Twenty (Or So) Questions About Midlife Crisis

I have been married to my husband for 14 1/2 years. We have always had a wonderful marriage. 3 weeks ago I found out he was having an affair. I found the proof on my own and confronted him with it. He says she meant nothing and immediately quit talking to her and texting her. He is 36, I am 32 and the other woman was 27. We agreed it would be better if he moved out while we try to work on our marriage.He said he doesn't think he wants a divorce. Says I am the perfect wife and perfect mother. He says he doesn't know why he is unhappy. I know I can forgive him. I love him with all of my heart. After 3 weeks he still says he doesn't know what he wants. We talk but that is about it. I hate juggling my kids back and forth. He takes them every other weekend for a night. We talk everyday. Most of out conversations are always friendly. Last time he came to the house I asked him if I could kiss him and he said yes. I thought of this as progress. I don't want a divorce. I never thought this would happen to us. Could he be having a midlife crisis? I don't understand why this has happened. He never seemed unhappy. Not even his parents ever dreamed he was unhappy. He says it isn't me. Says I am everything he could ever want. How do I put my marriage back together?

Hi, I was wondering how did your relationship progressed? I am 37, my husband is 55. We were married for 11 years, together 14 1/2. We had a fantastic marriage, sex life is wonderful, love all around. Early last year I senseed a change in my husband, he became a little withdrawn and started to enjoy spending time on his own. Slowly, I began to suspect that he is either having an affair, or he is close to having one. I asked him and he sai I was crazy and laughed. It turned out that he was having an affair, later on. He says that he loves me but has feelings for this other woman (23). He wants me but still talks to his girlfriend (more like mistress, but I won't split hairs). I suggested to him that perhaps he is going through MLC, after two disastrous years on the personal level where I had a miscarriage, my sister was arrested on a very serious charge, we had countless family members and friends dying or became very ill, you name it, we've had it. I think by saying that he is going through MLC I was offering him a way out, a serious explanation of him doing something so wrong. If he would've accepted this I would've been very happy indeed. I asked him to try councelling and he's not serious. I worked very hard at our marriage, business, life and I'm heartbroken but somehow still manage to keep afloat. I've lost a stone in weight, and stand now at 47 kg, at my 5ft 9". I love him so much but I now think I've offered him enough chances. He still wants to make love to me, says that I'm his best friend and is so sweet as if nothing ever happened. But how can I ignore the past and go on this way when I know he still calls his girlfriend, and won't give her up? Even a telephone relationship is still a relationship and I consider it infidelity on a emotional level (my husband says he isn't having sex with her). Mid life crisis, who knows? If it's true, why can't they invent some drugs to temper it? It distrys so many marriages and I'm not suure if it hasn't destryed mine...

"Mid life crisis, who knows? If it's true, why can't they invent some drugs to temper it?"

There are many things that can be done but they only work if the affected person wants them to work. Your husband won't even put his heart into counseling or call off his relationship with his girlfriend so what makes you think he'd take a pill if they had one.

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope it turns around. In the meantime make sure to take care of yourself.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

You must go to PerrieMenoPudge.com It's a new grown up cartoon for midlife women and those who love us. Very funny. Very true. Very empowering.

My best friend of 16 years told me recently that he doesn't love me any more -that he never really did - that I am only his best friend. He is 57 and I am 45. We met when we both were archaeology students at university and immediately made a strong connection. Each of us had gone back to school later in life and we had many common interests so we became fast friends. Several months after we met, he told me he was in love with me. I was surprised, but he was so interesting that I soon found myself head over heels for him. In the years that followed we have remained best friends and although we never married, had children or lived together, we have made a beautiful, rich life together. Solid as a rock. We do everything as a team and he was always so loving and caring toward me. I have grown to love him more each day and feel surrounded by sunshine when I am with him. We were going to grow old and share our lives together forever. Now he says that he never really loved me, but he wants us to remain best friends. I am so devastated because I never saw it coming. After the death of a childhood friend he seemed to change. He started to doubt himself and wonder what the future held for him. He feels he wasted his life and thinks there is something missing. He said he wants us to still be best friends and to act like nothing has changed. For me, there are so many unanswered questions. He says there is not another woman and I believe him, but feel that it is only a matter of time before he starts looking. Is he having a mid life crisis? He seems a little depressed. Maybe a lot depressed. When he first blurted out his true feelings for me (or lack thereof) I was so crushed that I couldn't see past my own hurt and I now realize that he is hurting too. I am very worried about his well being - and mine. I don't want to lose him!!!! We are still friends (I hope) and do most of the same things as per usual, only he wants to be JUST friends. Not lovers, not partners, not companions as we were before. This is very difficult for me to handle. What should I do? I don't want to seem needy and cling to him because I fear this will drive him away even more (although I feel very much all of these things). Is there hope for our relationship? Should I hang in there wishing he would change his mind? Or should I watch silently as he drifts away? Should I end it completely? Should I believe him when he says he still wants to be friends? I would give anything to go back to a happier time.

Everything you have said is the same as i my situation The funny thing is that the men say the same words they must have a script. I heard a converstaion on his mobile between my husband and another woman(who he met and has 'feelings' for) lots of phone conversations, she is not married and doesnt have children.. the exact opposite to our situation busy house, last three years of my mother ill, leading to her death, my bestfriend dying with cancer, his bestfreind with lyphoma, the triggers are the same, but not in everyone.

He is at home we go out with the children and frien. I feel that we love each other but are not in love any more.... it has taken me a year to realise this i have not talked about it to him. I am hoping we can get the spark back.....is this possible ...probably not. . . I think it is just a change of heart over a period of time you both get on with your lives....then its too late..they all say they are not needed the children do not need them anymore... he feels he is siting alone in the house... IT IS HIM IT IS NOT YOU.. he tells me that too. I am just living with it and trying to communicate .. i am financially sorting my acoounts out ......just in case.

Within this past year I've noticed my 43 year old wife has this need to be the center of attention with men. She will talk with nearly any man who looks her way. A friend of hers told me that she is probably in a mid life crisis. I tell her how beautiful she is all the time, but I hear her call other men "Hon" and "Sweetie" and it really hurts. What should I do?

l have been with my husband 26 years married 14 years and we have a 16 year old son. Two weeks ago my husband phoned me and said he was not coming home anymore its not his home l am devistated l did not see this coming l just broke down l thought we had a good marriage how wrong was l. l am so confused and hurt don,t no what to do l love him so much l can,t see a light at the tunnel. He contacts me with emails he said he not loved me for 5 years how can he live a lie that long l had no idea. If we were going anywhere he would hold my hand We have a fishing tackle shop and he wants tocarry on as normal l am finding it very hard l want him back so much don,t no what l have done.In the evenings we would lay on satee and cuddle he has even said in the pass he loves me uncondionally so confussed HELP

Francine

I went thru the same thing after only being with my husband for 5 years. We had babies at the time that he left. I had just had our last son and he was 2 months old. I was devistated also and never saw it coming. I had a good marriage so i thought arguments rare and affection was always showed between us. I tried everything to get my husband back at tht time. This happened 7 years ago and it was so hard. I was a young mother we had lost our home and relocted and were living in our new apartment 2 weeks when he left us there. When I got over the hurt that I had tried everything and given evry opportunity for him to make it right. I got angry, he had made our family a statistic for his own selfish reasons whatever they may be. We are good friends now it took a long time for us to beocme friends again, he still expresses having a relationship again. But theres a part of me that will never have the full respect I need to have for him, not as a husband or as a father. He is great with our boys now but has missed out on so much. His leaving made me stronger eventaully, but initially it broke me down, and made me see what I'm made of. By the time my ex- husband came around to realizing how big of a mistake he had made I didn't want him back. I tried working things out for the sake of our children but I wasn't happy. In time you to will realize this no matter how much you love him. He didn't love and respect you enough to keep it real with you for 5 years until now why wait so long. Life is too short!

Better yet why lead you on with the romantic times that you have shared if they werent real. It took a whole lot of effort for him to fake those 5 years he supposedly hasn't been in love with you any longer. When you get over the hurt and your strength builds back up. You will realize that you are the stronger 1 in your relationship. You'll also realize that you dont want to be with a man that has shown himself to be so weak as to leave everything on you. Isn't that what being the man of the house is about. Making the hard decisions and standing by your family as their guide and protector no matter what. You need to go over your reltionship break it down and see how many times have passed in your life together where you were the one that held everything together. It's possible your so blinded by love and being hurt that you might not see that he could be doing you a favor. Figure out his pros and cons and see which ones hold the most weight.

When you do this go to your husband and let him know that your open to working out whatever the problem may be if you still are after you weigh the options, and give him a time frame to either attempt counseling and if he doesnt want to do anything to save the marriage you have to let go. Let him know you've tried evrything and your at your end and that from the day you have that last conversation if it goes in that direction that you are going to start living your life as a single woman. Go file for child suport or work out an arrangement for him to still take care of his responsibility. Just keep in mind that it's not the end of the world it just feels like it. Its never easy to end a marriage or relationship no matter how much or how little time is invested evryone loves differently. If things dont work out stick to your decision and concentrate on yourslef and your kids. The more he sees that your not thinking about him just might make him try to come back. But it will also give you something else to do besides dwell on your situation.

Good Luck and be strong. Anonymous

Hey I think tht maybe he is depressed if everything changed after his friend died like you say. it's possible he's trying to put some distance between you so it doesnt hurt so much when one of you has to go. Be honest with him, but dont wait around. give it a little time if nothing changes your only hurting yourself by still remaining such great friends and hoping for more, because if he never comes back around to wanting a relationship with you again then you've wasted all that time. It's too hard to just go back to being friends after having such a deep relationship. Eventually maybe with time an space and some reflection. If you knew you were worth what you were earning on your job and your employer wanted to cut your salary by 15 grand but not your responsibilities would that be acceptable to you, or would you start looking for another job???????

Point being dont sell yourself short on your worth, he wont be the only man to realize that your a great person. I fhe needs to talk or vent thats hard for men to do be ther for him that way, but you need tostart adding a little distance fo it gradually. I'm not saying alienate him totally but cut your ties and time spent together way back, or he's never gonna really see what he's giving up if you still afford him the same relationship without the depth you once had.

thakyou for replying it hurts so much l just want this pain to go away.l am crying all the time l use to be bubblely person but that has all gone and l don,t think it is coming back. My husband and son are going away this weekend fishing which l paid for for my husband birthday l want them to go but all three of us should be there and it hurts they will be there and l will be on my own doing our shop its going to be hardl didn,t no he could put me through this much pain

My husband left in july and stil does not want to come back. We have 3 girls (one from a previous relationship) and have been together 14 years, 11 married. He says he is not happy and has not been for a few years. Says I excluded him in decision making and disregarded his feelings. I agree with him to an extent and have also realized that I've taken him for granted, assuming he'd always be there. I got caught up in the whole mom thing and did forget to put marriage first. Guilty. Thought there would be time for us later. But for this he shouldn't love me?? He says he just doesn't feel the same anymore. Honestly neither do I, but isn't that what a marriage is? You get comfortable. No one feels the same 14 years later. We have started counseling and he does say there is a chance but avoids me constantly. I feel like i could very happily go to sleep and never wake up again. I cry all the time and sleep during the day when the girls are at school because I can't sleep at night. I just am not myself. Neither is he. I just want my life back and I want to know that this is temporary. I try to tell myself that it is temporary but I could very well be setting myself up for a huge disappointment. I know that i have to take care of myself and get healthy but I absolutley have no desire to do that. I have joined a support group that starts on monday the 20th. I just need support and help RIGHT NOW!!! I feel like I'm 10 feet under water and upside down. I'm drowning. Help? "R"

i was with my high school sweetheart,for 31 years.on e morning i woke up,and found a note,saying it was over,he didnt love me anymore,he was done,and not coming home,now he has become more involved with smoking pot,and hanging with the 25 year old kids.He wants absolutely nothing to do with me.We have 2 kids,16,and 19,which doesnt live at home anymore.I got blamed for everything you can imagine for the breakup of this marriage.Yes we had problems,everyone does,,,money wise.our kids have had the best though,sporting stuff.and the 1 big blame was money.

My husband and I have been together for about 9 1/2 years. We started dating and moved in rather quickly. I already had alittle girl and we were both young. He played in a rock band and had been for many years before I met him. We were as happy together as any two people. I never thought anything would come between us. In 04' we had alittle girl - who would change BOTH of our lifes together. I became more of a stay at home mom and he decided to quit the band when our daughter was alittle over 1. I thought that is what he wanted - to be at home with us. I do say I didn't put him first in our relationship. I did fail to mention to him everyday how proud I was of him for being such a great husband and father (I just figured he knew.) I did nag over stupid stuff alot and I am in alot of ways controlling.. We just had a son in 08' - he lost his job after 8years and what a year this has been..New baby, new job and trying to get our bills back on track. Which did get me stress alot and maybe nag him even more. He is working night shift at work and thats adding stress. I just didn't know I was driving him away from me doing this. I guess I just figured he would always be around. How could he leave me? We have kids together. Plus, It wasn't like he ever said any of this bothered him. It was about a month ago he got off work (never told me) and when to see his old band play and found out the drummer was leaving and the spot was his if he wanted it. He never told me any of this and when it finaly came out - I was pissed because I felt I was lied too and never give a fair change to agree or disagree - Just to accept it. I did act very negative about the whole band thing. UNTIL - I went and seen him play the first time out. I then saw why I fell in love with him. The fact of him playing music was something I loved about him and saw how happy it made him - and from that point on - I quit nagging over the band thing. He mention he was not happy with me a few times and said things were different between us. I have turned into a home bound and he wants to go out more..He told me him playing in this band was all he wanted and our marriage was safe if I would accept the fact of him playing. Well, 2 fridays ago he never came home from work! He told me he needed a break for awhile. He didn't feel he was in love with me anymore. We just changed and grew apart. This was totally out of the blue and I was hurt (still hurting) He tells me he doesn't want to come home and not sure if he will ever will to come home. We decided to try and work on our marriage. We do have small children together and I know deep down he is not ready to say goodbye. I told him things would and will change. I don't know why it had to come to this, but it did and maybe we can get through this together. I am totally done with the nagging over stupid stuff, if him needs time to hang out with friends - Fine! Don't care if he plays in the band. I have told him and told him - I want to change for us. He tells me he is 75% sure he will come home? What does that mean. Am I getting my hopes up for nothing? He does still tell me he is not ready to come home yet. He wants to try and work on this. Should I believe him? He left ALL his money and checks are still going in the bank to pay bills like normal. I think is a good sign he is not over us. If he was over it why would he care about me paying our mortgage? He is not living here. He is calling the kids at night and we talk daily. (not always ending in a good way) We have alot to work on. We have also went out to eat and been boating twice. Which went well and he told me he saw some hope in the last time we were together. He stills saying he is going to come home - he is just not ready yet, but If I were to make him decide now - he would choose too end it. I want him to come back home so bad and I am will to change (to better us) so we are not going back through this again in a year - I just don't know if he will ever come back - or how would he ever want to when he has it so good right now - He is going to work and doing what he wants - when he wants and doesn't have to worry about nothing - Kids, Me - everyday living - He comes and goes here when he pleases and YES - I am still sleeping with him :( I know I shouldn't but I can help myself when I am around him! I just want him to come home so bad. I love him and want to do WHATEVER it takes to keep our marriage together. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. What else can I do? He tells me he doesn't even miss living here..BUT then tells me he probably will come home? What should I do??

If you want to be a doormat continue doing what you are doing and he will continue doing what he is doing. It seems to be working well for him so why would he change anything?

If you're going to continue on this path however, I strongly suggest you see a lawyer to get advice about how to protect yourself financially.

If you're going to continue sleeping with him I strongly suggest you get tested for STDs and start using protection because I guarantee you he didn't sleep on his buddies couch two weeks ago and he isn't doing so now.

I turned 35 this year, I have always moaned about getting older but this one did hit very hard.

I'm overweight, can't seem to shift the pounds been diagnosed with high cholesterol and I have been putting up with the same man for a year and a half because I don't feel anyone else would love me.

My son is 11 years old and is a very polite intelligent child and I just wish I could meet someone nice because my son and I really deserve it.

I no longer go drinking with my friends because I feel too old as all the kids out are about 25 years old or younger, I can pass for late 20's but that is not really the point.

I have been to the over 25's dating clubs and they are full of very desperate people who have had a really bad time- iknow that sounds bad but its honest.

I have a lack of friends as I don't want to go out much and I just feel really alone.

I decided to date the guy that had been my best friend for years, we had dated in our 20's but split found someone else and married. I thought when we happened to meet again it was fate and after being friends became an item only to find out that he had not really gotten over his ex, then i dealt with his drink problem, then he lost his licence, he didnt work and smokes pot, he is the same age as me but he seems to just want to do his own thing and we have now split -he blamed it on me being jealous but he used to purposely wind me up and flirt with women.

He says he loves me but i cant see how when he chooses everything over me and never calls or texts if im not there. i said he was using me which upset him a lot.

I just want to be happy but now i am 35 i think all i am going to do is die alone and never find happiness again.

In response to the last comment, I think the world is what you make out of it. Your last boyfriend didn't sound that great, there are great ones out there, but I think you need to demand the best out of yourself before you demand the best out of others. There's an Ayn Rand quote that I think applies, you have to be able to say I before you can say I love you. Basically, you have to be everything you want to be before you can be with someone who is everything you want him to be. Not to say it isn't then still hard to find the right person after you do this, but I think you have to be able to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship.

i think this is just an excuse for people to go out of control.