Book Review: Intimacy and Desire

One spouse wants sex more frequently than the other. That is the basis of a conflict that can split a marriage wide open--unless you undergo the developmental growth that is required in every marriage.

Intimacy and Desire, by Dr. David Schnarch, could be the book that saves your marriage. In it, he explains the dynamic of one spouse having low desire and the other higher desire. This problem is actually not truly a problem--it is normal--it's just that we are not usually taught so. Instead we are led to believe that a marriage begun with two people having passion for one another must continue that way or else fail.

All animals begin their mating with a feeling of lust for one another. The body chemistry develops that way and then it subsides. In human beings, often two people are married by then and they feel bereft when the feeling goes away. With understanding, two people develop the next stage of their marriage in which they get to know each other and they bond. But that stage passes as well, by the time a couple reaches midlife.

That midlife transition in a marriage is the point where a spouse wakes up one day and realizes they feel their life is a boring pattern, is controlled and passionless, and ought to end so somthing more exciting can happen. As Dr. Schnarch points out, it isn't the marriage that must end--it's the bonding. A married couple must move out of getting their identity from each other and from the marriage, into learning how to be together and yet develop their distinctive identities.

And when that happens, a new kind of magic can come into a marriage. If your marriage is intact but struggling, this book could give you the answers you seek.