Parental role models and us

Hi Lisa,

good topic - i think we can learn a lot from looking at the way our parents behave.

to answer your question, i see my parents have totally accepted each other, bot the good points and the not so good ones. they thorouhly know each other.

as a result i don't see them having much expectations which on one side is good, but on the other it might keep them from fullfilling some of their dreams. I don't know: we don't really discuss those topics :)

cheers, Wendy (NL)

Hi Lisa,

We learn so much from our parents. What to expect from a relationship is one of the many things we pick up by osmosis. As well we pick up values and beliefs--or we totally rebell against them. Part of growing up is to be self aware of our own values and beliefs and to accept or reject the ones that don't work for us any more. I saw this starkly in my marriage when I imitated how my parents dealt with anger - holding it in, denying it then slamming doors or sulking until it goes away. I certainly didn't want to be that way but I had no other way to be. It took a lot of imagination to see that there are other ways I could respond and cope with my anger. But it takes two. It would have really helped if I could have sat down with my partner and discussed our triggers and figure out another way to respond to each other. I feel I have more choices about how I respond when I feel angry, happy or sad. I think just being aware of how we react is a huge step. We can blame our parents only so long. After that we have to take responsibility for what we've ended up with.

Bradley Foster midlife coach http://giantstepscoaching.com

We were not a touchy family at all. Holdiing someone was for when they were children or for romance, and that's it. But there were other ways we were not supposed to be touched. You were not supposed to cry over a TV show and you were not supposed to cry just when you felt whiney as a child. You weren't supposed to stand up for yourself, so you learned to take the shit being dished out.

I suppose I'm not saying this to complain, not really because I already went through this at ACOA meetings for two or three years, and I accept my parents now. If you judge them on the whole, they are decent people and did better for us than was done for them. And they showed their love in many ways.

I'm saying it because letting yourself be touched means letting others' feelings affect you honestly, not just in a way you feel responsible for. Like, I know I need to be considerate because it was taught that you have to. But sometimes I'll act considerate in a hateful way. Does that make any sense? Like, "I'm acting out the proper role but if you look closely you'll see that I'm doing it with hate." It seems to feel good to have that little secret control over myself.

Ugh. I'm making myself sick writing this!

I think there are ghosts of people's past hurts that affect the present. They got hurt, they hurt and reject, and then you pick it up and learn it.

Lisa - You are right about the physical affection. Not once do I remember my granparents hugging each other, kissing, and saying "I love you." Honestly, I really don't remember my own parents giving this same affection before they divorced when I was 7. Sometimes I go through the old pictures of "The Men" of our family, which included my grandfather, dad, and brothers; and not once are we standing close with our arms around each other. It's amazing the things that you become more aware of once you've gone through a life-changing event. The beauty of it all is that you can stop the cycle and learn to love as love was intended. To become the parent of your children and the spouse to your significant other that you may have never had nor observed.

-Jim

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For many years back in my 20's I blamed my parents for my misery but as i cycled through those words of blame I came to see that my own interpretation of events was really to blame, hence me. Then I blamed myself for interpreting things badly. Then I forgave myself. That's taken like 20 years.

Now when I see loving couples and functional families it's kind of a cross between a mystery and as mushy thing I get a nagging feeling of contempt for. I'm not proud of that. It shines a spotlight on my personal messed up thingy. I need to heal.

For well over three years now, I have been reading the stories here while going through the worst storm of my life. So many times I wanted to post but refrained. This site has helped me in many ways. Just knowing I am not the only one who has suffered at the receiving end of a spouses midlife crisis. I married in 1983 to a man I thought would be by my side the rest of my life. I have three grown children 25, 23, 21. After 23 1/2 years of marriage in Oct. 2006, my husband ran off with a 10 years younger than me co worker. This came on the heels of his mothers death the previous year and his fathers death three years prior. We had both sets of parents all of which had heart attacks. Thank the Lord our youngest daughter is now a 10 year cancer survivor after 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and many years of follow up treatments, tests and checkups. All of that while I was going through the change. Many other things happened during the last ten years but too many to count. I didn't see it coming. I thought it would never happen to us. I thought it was just the storms that kept coming so fast and furious. I thought his anger would subside. I thought he was a good christian family man. I thought we would weather the storms together. I never envisioned weathering the storms alone. But I think I can. I have to.

my mom is the best role model in my life.