Mid-Life Crisis, Pending Seperation, Family

You are standing tall. I'm sad for you and hope if it doesn't kill you it will make you so much stronger.

I feel this pain... my husband of 10 years has just decided he is unhappy enough to leave... it was 5 weeks ago when I got the "I'm not happy and I don't know what I want", a couple of weeks later he decided "I love you and want you and need you" blah blah blah... 10 days later, in the morning we are planning a romantic two week get-a-way and by the evening he decided it was time to "move on".

We are ending the relationship and I feel sad for him... he does not know what he wants or what can make him happy... I want to help him but first I need to help myself.

You must do everything to protech yourself and your family... you need to heal yourself before you can heal him.

Good luck.

There are only a few things in this life that I know for sure and one of them is this. No matter how much you love someone if they've decided to 'move on' there is no amount of love from you that will hold them. Holding on tightly will only suffocate them and build resentment and enlarge the distance between you further. They don't care that you don't understand why or care about your confussion...this is about them and their needs not yours! People choose who they give their love to and can take it away just as easily, you have no control over that. What you control is how you conduct yourself with dignity and self respect and know that you loved him once with all your being and he at one time felt the same. Take comfort in knowing that, nothing he will do from now on will ever change that fact. Loosen those ties that bind you to him gently. He's already cut his.

I was at the peak of my midlife crisis when I moved out for 6 months, had an affair and realized that it wasn't as fulfilling as I'd thought.

The transformation we go through is tough...very tough. Combining a bankruptcy, foreclosure and loss of a 20 year business were the nails in my coffin of my MLC.

I survived and restarted my life again...with my wife.

She was patient and reminded me that this was a temporary event (3 years seemed like a LONG time). So we decided not to use any PERMANENT solutions to this temporary problem.

I really liked this article. http://bit.ly/18EQGt

An article that would certainly appeal to men, but unfortunately most men would rather have the affair and trash their marriage than read an article.

Congratulations on saving your marriage and for picking a very wise woman to marry in the first place.

This is obviously about him and not about you. You are just as lovable and desirable as you've ever been, and as your husband, he should be your encourager. However you did get a raw deal. You must be much more tender-hearted than me in that you say you "feel sorry" for him. I feel more sorry for you because you're a loving and devoted wife who is willing to go to great lengths to "fix the problem," as humiliating as it may be.

My advice would be to say, "Buddy, you want out of this loving relationship? Be my guest, it's your choice, not mine. But I deserve a spouse who is as present, devoted and caring as I am to you." I would stress that a separation would have to be a "monogamous separation," if he wants to have some space to "find-himself" now. If you were to give your relationship another go in the future, then he should agree not to participate in sexual acts with others. I would think that this would contaminate a married relationship to no repair.

My husband tells me things like, "thank you for being 'you," and "you're better than what I could dream-up." Every loving wife deserves to give and receive such feelings, and I pray that you can have this. Men love strong women who don't necessarily have to "depend on men" for financial needs or happiness. So be STRONG (or at least put on a good act)! Be as happy as you can, and be independent. Take this time to find yourself too. You have lots to be thankful for (just not your husband at this point in time.)

I have two friends who are also trapped in a miserable marriage due to financial obligations. One male married to an alcoholic wife, the other, female married to a non-stop going thru MLC husband who can't stop partying & cheating-- even though he is 53! Both have to stay for a couple more years, in order to get back on their feet. Divorce would cost them dearly, and they can't afford to go back out on their own just yet. They deal with it by having an open marriage, which I can't imagine doing, myself, because emotionally it would be too much to bear. You are not alone. Hang in there, seek counseling. Stay over at family members house for the night if things get really unbearable, at times. Go to church to keep your mind occupied with good thoughts and positive re-inforcement. Eventually, you will have to end this, because he seems to refuse to change. Your happiness is what you deserve, don't stay locked up in this jail of a marriage with this looser too long. I still believe, miracles can happen, however, if he's refusing to seek counseling, then he may not have a choice, should you decide one day "Enough is enough--I deserve better than this!".

We have been together for almost 17 years,married 14.He has an addictive personality which had gotten him into a lot of trouble in the past.It took the first few yrs to get him off drugs then his life was good.A short time after that,his inherited migraines had him taking every pill under the sun.We dealt w/ that & he went to rehab.We have 3 children together but I feel like he missed a big part of the 2 little ones lives.We do not fight as often as most couples but disagree on certain factors in life.I have always taken care of him.Getting him off drugs,nursing him through headaches,being mother,wife,worker & house cleaner.At least once a year he would have an explosion & want to divorce me but it would blow over & he'd say"You know I love you,I'd never leave you,you're the best wife ever"He would tell me that our life would be perfect if we could just have more sex! Ok fine..gave it to him! Now he's giving me a list of demands that I have to do or he's leaving.(PS)He walked out on us 3 days ago)I know that our family has been through a lot(lost house,moved,jobs suck)but we're a family!Good times or bad family comes 1st!He does not have any patience for kids so I have always been the yeller & punisher.But they need that daddy authority figure.I have also found some empty pill containers!Shit..not again!I do the best I can 4 my family & I hate that he never sees the good.I'm lost right now & wondering is this a mid life crisis?He's only 38 but going through what this site has written!My biggest problem when he throws his list at me....what about what I want?Why do u not do anything 4 me?My name is not Cinderella!It is not all about you..there are 5 people in this family!He thinks that because he works I am responsible for everything else!There is only so much time during the day W/3 kids(2inschool)homework,dinner,bath,book,bed,making sure kids do chores on top of doing mine.He does nothing to help me raise them or keep our rental up.Its all me!He never helps me!He yells"Don't mother me"Then yells that I am lazy & dont do enough!Damn your laundry is done,lunch made,bathrooms clean etc! What more does he want! What am i doing wrong??

I am currently goin threw the same thing as everyone else on this page. The only thing i'm not married but 17yrs in the relationship. I got a phone call the he couldn't do us anymore and that he has been cheating. And the person whom has been cheating with is pregnat.That was a lie she is not pregnat but he did cheat. We have a 15yr old son. He just moved out and it's like he jsut don't care about me or my son. this hurts so bad. All I can do is pray.

I've been married for 32 years. I've changed over the years to be the woman he wants. We have two children(now adults)33 and 29 years old. Our daughter had a baby, our first grandchild. we were both over the moon at the prospect of becoming gandparents. But since then my husband has been in a world of his own, he has turned pretty selfish and wants to be out 7 nights a week. I am sitting at home waiting for him to come in almost every night. He says he's changed and it's not just me! I am 51 still attractive and fit but he is so disinterested in me it hurts. I don't want anyone else but I have the feeling he would if given the chance. He's lost weight and runs and goes to the gym alot. I have asked him point blank if he has some one else and he says no. He is quite unhappy in his job a the moment which does'nt help things. I am not used to him being this way as I was always confident that he loved me and wanted only me, but now I feel so insecure. Do I ride the storm or give him an ultimatum. I have told him I am unhappy and feel quite abandoned to which he replied "You have never shown me any affection all our married life"!!

I agree that woman should try not to be needy as all the advice seems to tell you that, but it is so bloody selfish of men, whom for most of their married life have been needy of their wives to nurture the kids and them and look after home and extended family.Women have to change so much more than men when they become married. I think women can accept growing old better than men.

As many of the experienced midlifer's can tell you, when a guy (or woman) goes through this, you can only do so much support or coaching.

The REAL ultimatum should be with YOU! Focus on your self, your health and your family. Guys who go through this have to go through on their own. (I did)

I wish there was an express lane through the midlife transformation, but everything I've read says it's a 1-3 year process.

Hang tough, focus on yourself and no matter what happens, your new found strength will make you feel better.

Good advise, but it's quite hard to follow when you are feeling resenful,sad and unloved. I haven't done the ultimatum thing and I don't think I will, but sometimes it's quite difficult not to go off on one. Maybe I should get a punchbag and beat the shit out of it!!until he comes out the other end of this MLC......

Good advise, but it's quite hard to follow when you are feeling resenful,sad and unloved. I haven't done the ultimatum thing and I don't think I will, but sometimes it's quite difficult not to go off on one. Maybe I should get a punchbag and beat the shit out of it!!until he comes out the other end of this MLC......

he's definitely seeing somebody else - and probably full out emotionally and physically. You need to find the truth about this one way or another.

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.

he's definitely seeing somebody else - and probably full out emotionally and physically. You need to find the truth about this one way or another.

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.

Finding out the truth, one way or another probably requires an ultimatum! I have asked him not so long ago if there was anyone else and he denied it. Actually there is! Its a friend of his or should I say ours who has no marriage to speak of and since he started going out with him it hasn't helped. The touble is I know the other guy's first love is drink! He has had affairs but this was before my other half started going out with him. My husband couldn't keep it to himself, (I don't think)! He is out as I am typing this! What to do, What to do?? I just don't know.