Your Own Personal Stile

No, it's not a misspelling (and yes, I do make frequent use of my spell-checker). As our agrarian past fades from our collective memory, so will the images of pastoral scenes, farm implements, and, yes, even stiles. I even had some trouble finding a decent photo of one (and this one's from England, where the rural life still survives). What made me think of a 'stile' (a ladder providing access over a fence or wall) today was an interview I had last night with Rabbi Ed Weinsberg. Ed faced and overcame the challenges of prostate cancer just a very few years ago, and he's written a book that documents his story (and others) for the benefit of the 1/6 of all men who'll be facing that disease. For Ed, the experience catapulted him to a higher appreciation of faith, love, and even sex.

It's a fact of the human condition: transitions never come easily. They always appear as an interruption in the kind of life we desire and even plan for: a life of security, tranquility, ease, and peace. Yet, as I've written fairly often, the so-called 'interruption' is the reality, the sense of security is the illusion. Our 'common sense' lies to us, and tries to convince us that these disruptive events that come hurtling like projectiles into our lives are obstacles to our happiness and progress. Obstacles? Or, are they, in fact, the steps that take us up and over the obstacles? I submit to you that, just perhaps, these disruptions — even the big and painful ones — are what stimulate change and growth and that, without them, we'd face stagnation and decay. "No pain, no gain" is true particularly because every change involves a painful separation from our status quo.

Once we've faced and dealt with the pain (however successfully that may be), what we're left with is pure growth on a deep, personal level. We may see every transition as a kind of learning experience, and every pain avoided as lesson not learned that most assuredly will return again and again until we're ready to accept it and deal with it head-on. So long as we keep refusing to climb the stile of transition, we'll keep facing the wall of denial that keeps us trapped in the endless repetition of our mistakes.

Life can be very much like walking in a forest on a starless night. Even with the light of faith, we can only see a very short distance ahead. We can never be fully aware of exactly where the boundaries of our limitations lie until we bump up against them. For those of you who haven't yet experienced midlife, it's doubtful that you could ever predict exactly what area(s) of your psyche will wind up being 'ground zero' for your transition. Regardless, the point is that it's already there, predetermined by your nature, nurture and experience, waiting for you. The only awareness you need to be able to face that challenge, when it comes, is that there is no obstacle so large that your faith cannot transform it into a step-stair, a stile, that will get you over your hurdle.

For the rest of us, who have already achieved some modicum of acceptance of life on life's terms, our awareness needs to focus on the on-going process of growth. Once we've begun the transformation into maturity, we need only recognize that this is a never-ending process (in this world). There'll always be another wall, always another challenge, always another lesson, always another stile. Each one will take us a little bit further, a little bit higher, and make us a little bit stronger. One thing you must never do is to despair. Your reliance cannot rest exclusively in yourself. So long as you maintain your acceptance, trust, and engagement, you (and your Higher Power) remain ultimately undefeatable. Whether you're approaching the midlife transition or actively engaged in it, the key to maintaining your own personal stile is having the courage to trust that the One who has taken you this far will never fail you.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown