Who Am I?

As I've often written, midlife has little or nothing to do with age. It happens when it happens. It's a psycho-spiritual event, a transformation from adult to maturity, from self-confidence to serenity. The demarcation area (midlife) can be identified by one overwhelming feeling: fear. Even more specifically, it's a fear of 'losing it' (whatever 'it' may be). You don't even have to be able to identify what 'it' is: all you need to recognize the midlife transition is to experience the fear of losing it. Dealing effectively with that fear takes you to maturity; failing to address it leads you to midlife crisis. So, how can you deal effectively with what is very often a nameless fear? All you need to acquire (and, incidentally, this constitutes the essence of the spiritual transition) is a deeper self-knowledge. You don't really 'need' anything . . . you have everything you require.

Want some help? Here's a little exercise that I've put together for you to help you to work through this transition. The instructions are simple: a) Write down your answers; b) Do not read beyond this paragraph until you're finished with the exercise;. c) Work through each of the three phases of the exercise in order. That's it! It should take you approximately a half-hour to complete the exercise. Ready to begin?

1. Complete this sentence "I am a _____________" as many times as you can, each time filling in the blank with a different word or phrase (a minimum of 20 times).
2. For each of the statements you wrote down in phase 1, re-write each statement with at least 5 different descriptors (for example: "I am a married [descriptor] man [word or phrase from phase 1]."
3. For each descriptor-word (or phrase) set, circle the ones that are virtually impossible to change (for example: your height, your IQ, your sexual identity). Make sure that you only circle the impossible characteristics, not the merely difficult.

When you've completed your list and circled the appropriate characteristics, only then read on.

Were you surprised at how many different roles you play as an adult? The more examples you were able to identify, the more fully this exercise will assist you. For the time being, let's focus on all the statements you didn't circle. Now think of yourself as an actor playing each of these roles. You've already admitted (by not circling these statements) that the choice to play any (or all) of them is entirely your own. If there are any of these roles you're currently playing that you hate but feel compelled to continue playing, realize that all you've done is choose one value over another. Nobody is holding a (literal) gun to your head to keep doing what you're doing. You aren't always given the opportunity to do what you want to do, but you're always given the chance to stop doing what you don't want to do. You can always say 'No' so long as you're prepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

One of the fears of midlife derives from the feeling of being stuck in a rut and unable to get out of it. That fear is pure illusion. What very often happens to adults is that, for whatever reason, they lock themselves into a pattern of behavior that feels like 'them'. They become character actors in the play of life and, as a result, others (your producers and directors) type cast you in the roles you've always felt 'comfortable' playing. History seems to be repeating itself but, in fact, what you've done is set yourself up to be viewed as a particular type of character. Look at your list! You're NOT that type of character! There's SO MUCH that you can change — but only if you want to, if you're willing pay the price, and if you have the courage to change the rules of the game that you're playing.

Look at your list. Highlight the characteristics that you don't like about yourself . . . that aren't the 'real you'. These are your target roles. Right now, give up pointing your finger at your boss, your partner, your family, the government, organized religion, God, whomever it is you're blaming for what's going on in your life. You can't change them and, even if you were able to dump them and start all over again, remember that you're type-cast! In other words, you'll just attract the same sorts of people back into your life. You can't change them, so you have to change yourself. And right now, you have a list of things that you're not happy with about yourself that you can work on. What do you do next?

It's a simple two-step process: 1) get yourself a coach or a mentor whom you'll share with, seek advice from, and report back to; 2) with your mentor, make a plan consisting of SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-based). That's it. That's all there is to it. You don't like who you are and what you're getting in life? Then get a confidant and make a plan. Perhaps the biggest lesson that anyone can learn at the midlife transition is this: you're given the raw materials, but it's entirely up to you what you're going to make out of what you're given. What that is will change on a daily basis. You can never predict where it's going to end up.

Who are you? You're 'homo fiens' — '[hu]man becoming.' So long as you live, you will never be 'this person' or 'that person', you'll always be in process. Are you going to 'lose it'? Of course you are. That's the only way that you can gain anything: by becoming someone new. The moment you accept and become resigned to that fact, that's when you'll achieve maturity. When will we know who you are? Never. We'll only know who you were. Who you'll be tomorrow is anybody's guess, but it's your choice!

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown