Adult level question - Possibly NSFW

I don't feel as if my wife and I fit what you described however, we did go through a period of time where it was a sexless marriage. Of course that was when we were just existing in life together. One of the things that came out of this MLC for us is a much better sex life. We have opened up to each other, talk about likes dislikes, but giving things a shot that we would have thought the other would not like. It goes back to the communication thing, if you dont communicate you end up making assumptions of how the other feels or thinks. We have discovered that by opening up, talking, trying things, that we have similar feelings and thoughts.

The big thing i think stands in the way for people is, that is "weird" or not mainstream and if i do that, it means that is what i am. Its not what or who you are. most sex therapist will tell you that fantasies are very important. Explore them with your partner, find out if you both enjoy it, or how can you modify it so that it works for both parties. Your sex life is between you and your partner, if you are comfortable with each other to open up, as it should be, then go for it, who cares what other people view things as.

my 2 cents.

Be well

Dave R

I think one of the main components is communication between the husband and wife. You have to be able to talk openly and honestly. Do you feel you get enough sex? Does your wife feel she gets enough? Is there something either of you would like to try that you never have? Of course, this kind of talk isn't comfortable for everyone, but it's the only way to begin to find out what each person wants/needs out of the relationship. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets.....believe me.

My wife came from a very conservative religious family. There are a few Reverends in the immeditate family and they take some (perhaps justified) pride in that.

As a result, at least as I see it, is that she has some very "anti-sex" ideas. I did not discover this until after our marriage. She is opposed to any variety and will only consider two positions. Let's just say that after our two kids were born in the 1980's, our sex life began a slow decline. This was partly due to a slow but immense weight gain on her part. She is off the top of the chart for "morbidly obese." She is "working on it," but has said this before with little results.

We recently went through a 16-month sexual dry spell because of my ED. When I finally got up the nerve to ask her why in all that time she didn't reach out to me and try to help, she said that she thought I was going to leave her (??). Huh? I blame some of this for leading me into an emotional-only affair with a friend.

We are going to counseling and I hope to bring this topic up soon. I am working out to fight my depression and have lost 25 pounds in eight weeks. As I lose weight and she doesn't, I'm concerned that my new and better look/feeling will result in more strain on our marriage. I'm also looking for ways to convince her that our sex life is vital to our marriage. I'm only human and I'm in my very early 50's. "I'm not dead yet."

What to do...? I don't want to divorce, as I love her and don't want to hurt our families. But I don't want to live this way, either.

My wife has decided that she needs to find herself. She wants to go out more on her own and has stopped talking to me. When I bring up my feelings and that I would like to help her talk through what she is going through she clams up! Sex is a chore and has all but dried up. She is 39 and I am 43. My sex drive has gone into overdrive and hers seems to have all but stopped. She says she will work through this on her own and needs to sort it out in her head, by her self. I am not allowed to touch her or hold her, she just pulls away all the time or finds something else that needs to be done somewhere else. We have two kids 12 and 14 and have been married for 17 years. What gives??? I have tried reasoning with her, shouting, leaving her alone but nothing works. Anyone with any advice or suggestions?

If you want to know a technique, read it in John Gray's book,

Venus and Mars in the Bedroom

. He calls it Circumambulating the temple. I know this thread is about relationship issues but if you just want to know a way to do it to a woman so she will like it very much, you have to try it. It's not easy to do if you're used to very little foreplay. You have to really want to please her.

Don't ask me how I know.

I had a wife who packed on the extra pounds and became borderline clinically depressed.

Our marriage suffered exponentially because we never argued or discussed in depth our miscommunication with each other. I became less interested in her and her in me. Our spiral down lead to bad stuff including affairs and separation.

Re-inventing ourselves also meant re-inventing our sex life and our marriage. One site that added some chauvinistic, but interesting insight was http://makeyourwifehot.com

The blog is written from a male viewpoint, but the content in his book is for both parties.

often,I think serious weight gain is a from of physical rejection...to keep you at a distance...probably her own issues...

Normal body changes are normal. I don't think a 45 year old woman is supposed to be "hot." I think she maybe could have some "va-va-voom" but she needs to be classy and wear clothing that flatters her, not try to show off her girlish figure. A middle age woman's body is not for you to ogle and rate. I may sound hostile but it's damn hard work to come to accept who you are and stop thinking you'll only be okay if you're some different way.