Midlife Confession: Sandra Tsing Loh's Attack on Marriage

Her marriage failed, hence marriage ought to be abolished. I think I'm beginning to understand what her problems were already! And I'm only so incensed about it because I have thought that way too. What ego. OMG.

I tend to notice people value their "Time" as something that is the most important thing in the world, but when you get down to it time is irrelevant and meaningless, and nobody is important if they are selfish.

"...I tend to notice people value their "Time" as something that is the most important thing in the world..."

Our time on Earth is all any of us have and we don't even know how much of it we have.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

I tried taking that philosophy, DC but I felt like I was doing nothing but squandering and screwing up my time. So I decided to take the view that my soul is bigger than my life on earth, so I had eternity to get things right. I stopped looking at self-help or at what someone else was doing, which maybe for you it wasn't about that but for me, all this "live your life, you've only got one" was too much pressure because they made it look like it was about going skydiving.

It's not that I disagree with you really. I just needed a way not to feel so panicky about getting older.

Whatever we may say about Ms. Loh we must say she got us talking. I blogged about her NPR interview today (release date 7/31). It sparked an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who takes a more romantic view of marriage. I ended up somewhere in the middle, with open eyes and a willing heart.

Should marriage be avoided. Presumably yes, if you're married to Ms. Loh. The rest of us can decide for ourselves, I think.

Dina http://www.thismarriagething.com/

Watch the video http://podcasts.theatlantic.com/2009/06/my-failed-marriage.php this woman is troubled

take care of yourselves sam_in_la

Not only is she troubled but her ranting is senseless. This is clearly a woman that is so self absorbed that she will put all of her unhappiness on things outside of herself. Does she really beleive she will find happiness because she rid of a man that she speaks highly of? Sure she will find temporary happiness. And now, she is making money and fame on this negative aspect of marriage playing on the fears, concerns and confusion of others going through midlife. Our divorce rate in this country is where it is because society makes it so easy to say, hey if it doesnt work we can just get divorced. There is no effort or work put into it and its just easier to move on to another partner. Of course you will bring your same internal issues with you to the next relationship and the next and the next.

I think it is ashame that not only does this woman not want to look at herself for why things are "not right" in her marriage, but then she wants to spread this negative word about marriage and in turn make money on her bitterness.

I know what my wife went through, we have spent many hours and continue to spend many hours talking about it. I see the progress that has been made in her, in me, in us as a couple and as a family because of the work that both of us have put into it. I also know that as time goes on and things get better, the work is hardly work at all. Its 2 people following their hearts desire and not wanting to make crucial mistakes that their kids will take with them throughout their lives.

An interesting thing between my wife and myself in how we both grew up. Her family, 4 kids, parents seperated and divorced. Homeless at one point and startign around the age of 12 my wifes normal peaceful, loving life was changed. My situation, 3 kids, parents stayed together for the wrong reasons living in this zombie state of marriage without love being expressed. is one better than the other, i don't know, i don't think so. I think one caused more obvious pain than the other. But as we went through the last several years together, we lived out parts of both of our childhood lives. Fortunately for us we have identified with this and are on a path that is making us have a stronger bond between us.

My point is, you can buy into what this woman says, you can beleive that in todays world there is no room for long term marriage and you will feel empty, fill the pockets of lawyers and people like this woman who want to make money on the negative attitude. I choose to live my life and follow my heart. I gladly accept the pain I have been through in the past 6-8 months because the pain of losing what I have is 10 fold of what I felt going through this. Heres the kicker, now that we are slowly emerging from this, the pain is going away, true happiness is replacing it and my awareness of what is important, my wifes awareness of where her heart has emerged from this crisis and now its not a crisis, its midlife transition filled with awareness of ourselves.

be well all

Dave

I can understand your feeling that way. I don't take it quite that far. Yes, my time is important to me and I don't want to waste it. I think the key is defining what you mean by "wasting" it. I decide if it's a waste or not. No one else has the right to make that decision for me.

Are you "wasting" your time by sitting and rocking a baby in a rocking chair? Are you "wasting" your time working on your hobbies? Are you "wasting" your time exercising? It all depends on what YOU value. That's your decision to make, no one elses.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Okay I think I get a little overactive in the "this is how it goes" department!