Questions and Answers about the Book "The Marriage Turnaround" with Author Mitch Temple

1.) The Marriage Turnaround takes the angle that believing myths in marriage are responsible for many problems. What is the behind most destructive marriage “myths” that many couples believe?

Bad thinking! In other words, inaccurate beliefs, expectations and attitudes. The way we think in marriage, both positively and negatively affect our emotions and behavior toward our spouse. It what we believe about them is inaccurate or based on false ideas it will definitely affect our feelings and eventually how we respond or act in certain situations. For example, If I believe that my spouse is supposed to meet my every need, what happens when they don’t? That false belief will cause hurt, disappointment or maybe even resentment (emotion). If those emotions hang around long enough they will lead me possibly withdraw, say hurtful things, or avoid my spouse (behavior). Its basic Psychology 101. In marriage our beliefs drive or at least maintain unhealthy emotions and interactions in marriage.

2.) How do you help couples identify these myths?

First by helping them understand that the key to successful marriage is not only changing behavior, but by starting with our hearts- thinking, beliefs and attitudes. Understanding is often the first step to acceptance and change. Second, by helping them know what some of the most common myths are like: “happiness is most important, conflict is bad, or the classic I can change my spouse.” Finally, after identifying myths they have bought into, teaching them how to reframe/ change their thinking in a more healthy, positive direction, which ultimately turns feelings and behavior around as well. Changing behavior is important in marriage, but in many cases we start at the wrong end of the process. We focus on behavior (3 steps to solving conflict) before we look at the source or core of the problem, our thinking. To me this makes sense, common sense.

3.) Why do you believe that attitudes and actions have everything to do with whether marriages succeed or not?

Because if your attitudes stink and you constantly do things that cause hurt, anger and division in marriage, it will eventually fall under the weight. Its like letting snow pile up all winter on a weak roof, eventually it will give under. A marriage is like a computer, if you input the wrong things, the wrong things will come out. No matter how committed a couple is to marriage, if they don’t invest the right kinds of attitudes and actions, their feelings will eventually point toward the door- getting out.

4.) Do the stories and examples you give come from personal experience or from what you’ve seen clinically in your practice?

Both. Personally, I was the King of bad thinking and myths in my marriage. I bought into just about all the big ones before and after I got married. I also was affected by poor modeling of what healthy thinking and actions should look like in marriage. My own problems in my marriage and life led me get help. After learning how to help myself, I saw that I had a great reason to help others, I had been there and what worked for me could possibly work for others.

As I have worked with 100’s couples through the years, one of the reoccurring themes I saw in most struggling marriages was unhealthy thinking, expectations and beliefs. So as in most cases, I started out by helping couples understand how all this was related. Once this happened I helped them to turn their beliefs in a much healthier direction, which in turn led to better feelings and actions. I watched this work in a short period of time with couples who were having “minor” problems to those who were in major trouble- affairs, ongoing conflict, and those completely withdrawn. For numerous years I led intensives for couples in crisis which often last about 3 – 5 days and watched how helping them change their beliefs can help lead to other changes. Over 80% of couples who attended these intensives turned their marriages around. The process begins with our thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.

5.) Thinking differently about a crucial issue in marriage can bring about a helpful alternative in one’s thought life, however, it seems a bit simplistic for marriage problems. How can such a simplistic approach fit the complex problems of marriage therapy?

One of the things I am quick to point out regarding this approach is that its not the miracle method. Any competent therapist or psychologist will tell you that one method or approach will not necessarily work in every situation. You may take a Systems approach with some issues, and then you may have to take a behavioral approach with others. A Cognitive (thinking) / behavior methodology is a very common method used in helping a number of issues including depression, anxiety disorders, addictions and marriage problems. The concepts in this book are based on a cognitive, behavioral approach. In other words, a persons thinking can and does affect other key areas in our life. To make positive long term changes in behavior, one typically has to address the cognitive- thinking part.

Changing ones thinking cant address every problem. If a spouse is in a physically abusive situation, simply changing your thinking is not going to stop the abuse. You have to employ other actions like getting to safety, taking a tough love approach or seeking professional help. However, I do believe that unhealthy beliefs in “everyday marriage senarios” can drive the marriage in a bad direction or minimally maintain bad emotions and behavior. A good old fashioned thinking or attitude checkup never hurts most any marriage.

6.) Is the idea of a “soul mate”, or the ONE person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with an antiquated idea that doesn’t fit most couples today? What do you tell someone who believes they didn’t marry the right person?

Well, here’s the deal, couples can definitely become soul mates. My wife and I are soul mates, but we got that way by being committed to our marriage and by living life together- both good and bad. I believe that a soul mate is something that you become, not something you start out as. Sure, when you fall in love you feel extremely attached to that person. Chemicals and emotions are screaming halleluiah! We are designed that way- physically, emotionally and chemically. But true oneness, deepness, intimacy and closeness that comes through ongoing commitment and living life together, doesn’t just happen. You are not born with it. Some think that God ordained only one person in the universe for them and when they find each other, the stars line up, the heavenly chorus sings glory to God, and you KNOW beyond a shadow of the doubt that this is THE ONE. And, you know this is the one because you are so compatible and feel so in love. But, what happens if you believe this myth and then after 6 months you discover you are not so compatible after all and you don’t like this person you married? You start thinking, “Woops! This guy must not be my soul mate.” Well, that kind of thinking will get you every time. The truth is, there may many people out there that we could marry and spend our life with. And the truth is that compatibility is not a prophecy of success in marriage. Sociologists tell us that compatibility is really a weak predictor of success in marriage. Our perceptions about compatibility and commitment are much better predictors of success than compatibility. Just because we find we are not compatible doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed or we made the wrong choice. In fact, most of us are very different in our relationships. My wife likes to fly by the seat of her pants and waits until the last minute to make decisions. I like to plan out everything and make firm decisions in advance. But we have learned to accept these differences and realize that we are different but NOT wrong. I have learned from her last minute tendencies and she has learned from my structured preferences. I believe that commitment, acceptance of differences and management of those differences is much more important that compatibility.

7.) Many of us realize at some point that we can’t change our spouse despite our best efforts. What should an individual do when they believe they need to change their spouse in order to survive the marriage or get out of the marriage in order to stay true to who they are as a believer?

Reality is that we really cant change other people. Our chances of changing anyone in a marriage rests better with changing our self rather than the other person. We cant always change our spouse, but we can learn to love them, accept them, put their needs above our own and to honor and respect them, do the right thing individually in spite of our differences and dislikes. That’s the best kind of love- unconditional. Now, this doesn’t mean we simply roll over and play dead if a spouse is involved in stuff like addictions, or abusive or has the capacity to change in some areas and simply wont. I am simply saying that in most “day to day change my spouse issues” we are never going to force them to change. Trying to change a reluctant spouse is like pushing a rope- Its almost impossible. Its much easier to pull a rope in the direction you want it to go versus trying to push it. If your spouse refuses to change, model change for them. You change in areas where you can and see what happens. Basic Systems theory teaches us that positive change in one part of a system can lead to positive change in the other. For example, our bodies. If you correct a foot problem, that change can help your leg or back to feel better. The same is true in a marriage system. If one spouse refuses to make changes, work on the person that is willing (which may be yourself). Positive changes in you can positively affect changes in the other. The bottom line is that it works. Success in marriage is not so much based on changing the other person, its based on making individual changes and accepting the fact that some people will never change and learning how to manage that reality. Often the only thing we can change is our attitude, expectations, behavior and actions. Again, I’m not talking about abusive situations here, but day to day relationship scenarios.

8.) You mention that children are the best barometer for the health (or lack thereof) for their parents’ marriage. Doesn’t that put too much pressure on the parents which can then affect the marriage negatively?

We all know that children, especially older children are reach some point in their development where they start to make choices on their own. So when you are talking about children, especially teenagers, you can teach them all the right things and they can still make bad decisions. Some of the most successful parents with great marriages I have known experienced children who rebel, we all understand that. But based on working with families and teens through the years, I have noticed that often when children act out behaviorally as a direct result/ response to pain in the home. Not always, but in many cases. The fact is, the health and climate of a marriage will affect children, even young children. Remember, what happens in one part of a system will affect the rest of the system. Most family experts will back me up on this. Small kids, even infants can sense when tension is in the home. Even if you keep the arguments behind close doors, they know when something is amiss. When kids sense tension in the home, it often provokes a sense of fear and insecurity and they act out. So, if marriage tension in the home does at least affect kids in a negative way, isn’t that a good place to start if a child is manifesting destructive attitudes and behavior? I think so. Sure, often you have to bring other influencers, professionals into the situation, but if the marriage is unhealthy, it is very likely that kids will mirror the pain in their own lives.

9.) Why do most marriage books fail to meet the needs of readers and produce lasting change in marriages today?

There’s thousands of great marriage resources out there. Thank God for them. They became a bridge to help us from a very low point in marriage to better places. But one of the things I have noticed about many marriage resources is that they emphasize changing behavior- 3 steps to better communication, 5 steps to greater intimacy, etc. Yet there doesn’t seem to be many that encourage couples to also look at their attitudes and beliefs which can drive bad feelings and actions as well as keep them a float. If we neglect to work on what drives negative emotions and behaviors in marriage then changes in behavior can help for a while but may not for the long term. Yet if we can make healthy changes in our beliefs, thinking, then the changes we make in behavior can be much more successful. For example, if I tell a couple to just stop being rude to each other. They may do that successfully for a while, but if they think that its ok to be rude to each other ( a belief, myth) then sooner or later the belief is going to influence the behavior. So if we can help the couple to see a more accurate perception of truth, that ongoing rudeness really does hurt their marriage, then those kind of changes can help expedite and maintain healthier changes.

10.) What is it about The Marriage Turnaround that is so attractive to readers looking to have the best marriage they can have—or to save the one they are in?

Based on input from couples I have worked with who have used these principles as well as responses from people who have read the book, the principles in this book are simple, practical, basic ideas that really work. I am not a brainy kind of guy or an egghead. I do happen to have some education and practical experience. I cant remember million dollar words and cant pronounce half of them. But I do know when something works and I like things that make good sense. I am drawn to principles like these: if you do what you have always done you will get same results, or If you plug it in and it lights up, that works for me and my favorite- the grass is greener- where you water it. So in The Marriage Turnaround I attempted to take basic principles from ancient wisdom, psychological concepts and common sense and put them in a framework that all people can understand. I also try to keep things real. I want people to know that I don’t have it all together and that I have made some of the same mistakes they have make (usually more than once). I believe this makes me somewhat qualified to help people, I have been there. I am not simply telling you something my professor in grad school taught. Another thing is that through my own struggles, I have stumbled across principles that work. Through my own depression, depression that almost destroyed my marriage, I learned the reality that what we think affects other areas of life. I learned that reframing my distorted thoughts into healthier thoughts can really make a difference in emotions and behavior. So, if it works with depression, why wouldn’t it work in my marriage? So my genuine desire is that if a couple, only one or two, can take one or two of these principles in this book and it helps them to take their mediocre or crisis marriage to a better place, then I will be extremely happy. Nothing makes me happier.

Amazon Link: The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything