I want to help her home

If you read my story here, I could have been your wife. The only thing that saved me was that I was in a one-sided emotional affair that I never realized that I was in, until I found an article that slapped me upside the head. If the young woman in question had reciprocated my feelings, it could have been devastating. As it is, a lot of damage was done. I destroyed a good friendship (the young woman) and endangered my marriage. For the first time in almost 30 years of marriage, I honestly couldn't say what I would have done if she had said she wanted me too. That petrifies me. I hate myself for what I have done to both women.

For some reason, this phrase stood out to me: "...(She) was the person everyone wanted to be." Are you sure that she wasn't trying to be the person everyone wanted her to be to the point that she was denying herself constantly to try to meet that impossible demand? That maybe she was trying to be everything to everyone around her until her MLC made her collapse inside?

This sounds very much like MLC to me. "I have to do this?" Why is that?

You can only help her if she's willing to be helped. All you can do is your best. No one expects you to sacrifice your life and your children's lives at this point. She has made some decisions that soon may be impossible to change. You are going to have to decide where to draw the line with her.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

We have heard so many circular statements that I don't what is true any more. Its like trying to hit a moving target. All I know is that she set her life up how she had wanted it, husband, house kids and so on. Nobody including me told her how to live her life. I believe that statement is from everyone telling her she's crazy to throw it all away and you need to do this....... She is suffering, clinicly depressed, besides work and seeing our daughter ( our son won't) sitting in a hotel room alone. The line has been drawn which is why she is on her own. I think at this point it is where she thyinks she needs to be to work out her issues. Yes I am going to try my best to take care of myself and the kids and understand that as much as I want to help, I can't. She has the strength, love and courage in her to work through this, she just has to believe.

If she's clinically depressed, she may not have the wherewithal to believe she can get out of the mess she's in. Trust me as someone with depression issues: one of the things that goes is your self-confidence and belief that anyone can help you or even wants to help you. Feelings of hopelessness, self-hatred and worthlessness are hallmarks of depression.

Perhaps no one in the current relationship told her how to live her life, but does that really matter? Many people come into relationships with lots of emotional baggage from their past. She may have brought that with her. Many people, including myself, came into marriage with inaccurate and inflated expectations. As much as we'd like to, "...and they lived happily forever after..." is as much fiction as a romance novel. Inflated expectations can be devastating when compared to reality or marriage.

I certainly hope she can work out her issues. I think you are wise to care for yourself and the children first. You have to be ready for your own sakes, as well as in case she needs your help. Just be there if she suddenly "wakes up" from this nightmare and asks for your help.

I wish all of you the best, including your wife.

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Oh there is no doubt that she is clinically depressed, and is probably "cycling" through all those emotions and feelings. I am a depression sufferer myself and know full well what it "feels" like to be depressed. (Since this all imploded since May I have had a re-education in depression). But I know when I'm spiraling dwn and I got more help ( re-eval meds and thereapy) even this week as I have to function for the kids, myself, and her. But even in "good" times she hates Dr.'s, and to my knowledge in the 30 years I have known her she has never had depression issues. Her elder sister is a nurse (L&D, OBGYN) but for the last several years has been helping new mothers w/postpardum depression. Now while she is 1300 miles away in Ohio, she did speak with my W (her sister) on the phone for several hours 2 nights ago. My W seems to have responded that she liked speaking to her, she was gentle, not angry, and listened. My sister-in-law told me she just let my W talk and just listened, and tried some gentle reflection technigues on some things my wife said. My W told our daughter that her sister gave her a different spin on things. So..but my SIL is going to try to nudge my W to her MD for the depression....but not tell her its depression, its for trying to get better sleep, calm nerves....anything but the word...depression. So we pray and we wait....and I will be there if I hope to GOD she does wake up. I have also found great help in the website Women in MLC......if you goole it you'll find the exact webadress. If you have not been there I highly suggest you go.