What do you do if you hate yourself over an "emotional affair?"

It seems like both the affair was not really what it was about. I'm only guessing but I think anyone could have filled the role your old co-worker played.

I'm really more of an expert on self-loathing, my friend. Compassion and self-loathing are some people's lesson in life to learn. And what I concluded about self-hate was that it's an inside-out version of really being a decent person. Maybe you are doing what you believe decent people do when someone does wrong--condemn it, hence, condemn yourself. Being an ACOA you would judge yourself mercilessly.

I'm not going to tell you not to judge yourself because if it were that easy you'd be doing fine by now. But I will acknowledge to you that this is an important moment in your life. Just realize there's more to you than just that one thing you did, okay?

There's nothing wrong at all with loving someone, especially when it's easy. The thing that I'm running into right now is how hard it is to love someone when it doesn't come easily.

You are such a dear person! Don't feel bad for being human. You're married, not dead! It happens to most of us who've been married a long time. You were strong. You never allowed it to become physical. You didn't seek this out! It just happened. And you ended it when you figured out what was going on! You were totally honest with your wife. You've done all the right things. Now just use the information this encounter gave you to strengthen your marriage! And in the future, recognize your vulnerability in this area and try to stay out of situations that might feed into it. Best of luck to you!

Hi Lisa and Anon,

You're quite right about my self-hate and being merciless on myself. That's one of the characteristics of an ACoA, as I discovered when I read that book I mentioned in the other posts. I have every one of the characteristics the author mentions as hallmarks of an ACoA. I've been told more than once that I have too big a heart. When I hurt others or make a mistake, I turn on myself viciously.

I definitely agree that this is a defining moment in my life and in my marriage. To use a cliche, it's a "Perfect Storm." I have always hated and feared my emotions. Now I have to learn to accept them and use them as allies. I honestly don't know how to do that, hence the therapy again.

I can't honestly say that I didn't let it turn physical. The reason I say that is the young woman's reaction to my revelation - a complete cut off of contact at her request. What terrifies me is that I cannot honestly say what would have happened if she had said that she was also attracted to me. I have had ED for over a year, I think due to my medications and depression. The temptation may well have been more than I could have borne. I just hope that she realizes how serious this all is for me and isn't off somewhere hating me or laughing about me with her gffs.

Sometimes loving someone isn't easy, Lisa. I don't remember hearing anything about "easy" in the marriage vows, do you? (wan smile) People gain weight, lose hair, have or acquire emotional baggage, become old and wrinkled, contract unattractive diseases, snore, and so forth. We're supposed to learn to look past all that, somehow. There's lots of well-meaning advice out there for how to do that, some good, some not. All I can suggest is take it a day at a time. And, yes, Ringo was right, "It don't come easy."

Sometimes, I honestly wonder if humans are meant for long term marriages. The divorce and infidelity statistics certainly give evidence otherwise. I do agree with Judith Viorst* (I highly recommend you look up her books on relationships and marriage, such as Grown Up Marriage, Necessary Losses, Imperfect Control, etc.)

See http://www.amazon.com/Judith-Viorst/e/B000APM5L2/ref=ep_sprkl_at_B000APM...)

I think that we may be expecting way too much from young people when we allow them to marry in their teens and early 20's. Like myself, many are not finished growing up yet, which is a factor in why the divorce rate is so high. We married at 21 and sometimes I look back and wonder if that was a mistake. We might have been better off if we had waited and dated a few more years to finish growing up, since we were both ACoA. I certainly wouldn't go back to my youth unless I could take all my hard-earned wisdom.

I'm not sure how I can avoid situations like this in the future, Anon. I'm a "young at heart" guy, sort of a non-alcoholic Jimmy Buffett type when my depression meds are working right. I tend to attract and be attracted to younger people. I always have been - I suspect it ties into my family heritage of men looking younger than they are. (I'm 51 and if I bothered to dye my hair, I could easily pass for 40. Believe it or not, I don't even have a wrinkle yet. Jealous, ladies? ;-))

As you both say, I have a long, hard road to travel. I'm glad this site is here. It helps to talk to other men and women going through this. At least, I know I'm normal...

* She also wrote Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. You may have read that to your kids. :-)