My wife say's I'am her best friend

She's just selfish: get on your own two feet and after a while you won't believe you got trapped in the first place.

Try to find again the things that did turn both of you on. Talk. Do.

im in the same boat ive been married going on 16 years.Now she also wants her space so she can find herself.in aug.she wants to get a smaller apt. for her and my 2 daughters.I am supporting her with what she wants to do.I just hope she see's that im doing it for her i really dont want to lose her either

Hi all.Well here goes.Ive felt my wife acting kinda diff. towards me.So one day i asked if something was wrong she had said somethings inside her has changed she's not inlove with me but still loves me.For awhile she was angry towards me for how i treated her in the past. i admit i should have paid more attention to her feelings and we didnt communicate with our feelings towards each other very well.i know what she means to me i would give up my soul and life for her.@ first she had said she wants to seperate and maybe end up divorce.She wants her space i have 2 kids who wanted to live with me but i had decided they would be better off with her beacause i work nights and dont want the kids alone and i dont want to take the kids from her.she had said she never told me she was unhappy because she was scared i would leave her and when i asked to get some help she had said it might be too late.that was 2 months ago.We had just split up i moved out to give her the space she wants.Before we split up it went from divorce in the start to her saying we dont know where this might lead too.i still talk to her in a way of txting.im sorry for the long story.im very lost right now.But here is the question do i still keep in contact with here until she decides if we should stay split up forever or do i still keep in contact so she knows i still care and want to get back together.thereis more to this long story but ill spare everyone that.. =)

my wife wants her space after 16 years and two children later.It came out of nowhere.She has said she need to find herself and things have changed like her feelings towards me.We are now living apart so she can have her space.I have been txting her but people tell me not to anymore.I dont want to lose her in anyway shape or form.But do i stop all contact with her to give her,her space? also id wait my lifetime for her but i know thats not reality.Do i give it a time limit then try to move on even though i only want to be with her.Its june right now in aug she wants to look for a 2 bedroom place for her and my dauhters beacuase she still wants her space to find herself ad to think abut us.But living apart in my mind will make us drift apart even more if someone can give me some advice plz.Im lost in life right now and each day i hurt more and more. I miss her very much...

Okay. Are you ready?

Stop being so nice. I think you're giving too much of yourself away for free. If she wants to leave, she ought to vacate the house. If she wants to live on her own, set strict limits as to how long you will pay. Show her what it will cost to get a divorce and talk about what will happen.

I'm a wife. I feel like I don't automatically love my husband anymore. I have to try my damndest to turn my heart toward him and not away. My marriage is not so cheap that I could just let it wash away like it was built on sand. I want to think I built it on rock. I try!

When I married him I knew it would get this way, sort of in the back of my mind, because I've observed my parents' and grandparents' marriages--which lasted--because they made them last, not because it was easy at all. In fact, I observed that on some level they were rivals and they hated each other a little bit, but on another level they loved each other and built a life together.

I contend with the belief that I didn't know I had, that love is just something that flows up out of you or through you, and that love was so wonderful i'd obviously choose it and always keep it. But it doesn't. It runs out. It isn't pretty. And you have to love yourself too. If you don't, why would someone else? (by you I mean me.) I contend with it and I'm still not sure I can stay around.

I agree. Get on your own two feet and only permit her to be selfish with what belongs to her, not what belongs to you, which is your dignity and your boundaries.

You will be okay.

If your wife is like me, she doesn't feel like she's got anything of her own. Her life is all mushed up together with yours. I don't like this but I don't think my husband should be my patsy.

She wants her space but she wants the house and have you help pay for it and the utilities. WTF!?

Part of having your own space is paying your own bills, or else it's not "your own space".

I wouldn't pay any of her bills and give her plenty of space. Simply put, she wants your paycheck and is giving nothing in return. I'd also ask her upfront if she is seeing someone else or planning to. If you are her best friend she will be completely honest with you.

Something here stinks.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Hopefully you have no minor children. She is hurting you and any children you have.

Her reason for wanting a divorce is the number one reason given by American women - boredom and feeling out of love. She is being selfish, self-centered, immature and foolish.

Studies show people who chose not to divorce are happier 5 years later compared to people who went ahead with it. Please find a marriage educator and make her go.

teri stoddard men's advocate

. . . regarding minor children . . . I would qualify that to be children. My college age kids are taking it very hard. Wish their parents would get help, solve their problems and keep the family together. I've made it known to my W from the time she 1st said she "wanted out" that I'd hope we try to repair our relationship, even with outside help to give it our best, and if in the end it did not work we knew we tried. She basically told me to take a flying leap - trying to work things out will never happen. Now she hired a legal team to fix the problem.

In the meantime one of my kids, just like my W, blames me for everything; the other sees it more as a mutual problem. I've told them to love their mother, don't pick sides, marriage is very hard at times - but understand that that they cannot see / understand everything betw us, marriage is a two person deal, and while I am committed to work things out, I cannot make their mother do so. She has to choose for herself, but always love their mother.

It's hard in my heart to let W go, but I have no choice. She has convinced herself as to what is the truth. And when I brought up that I want to work it out**, she shuts down conversation and believes I am trying to control her decision. I just want us to take a chance to commit to real change. For her, it is lost forever, and she acts sometimes like she is punishing me. (** = Some people can harp on the same string to where the other person understandably gets sick and tired of hearing the other whine like a broken record. For us, I only said this twice - 6 weeks apart, the last time 3 months ago. She knows I "left my offer on the table" but I cannot make her accept it.)

I am trying to help my kids now more than myself, even in their early adult years. Not sure of the damage, but this whole thing has made me more spiritual. It really hurts to confront one's shortcomings that helped bring us where we are today.

- Wish I had a 2nd chance

There still may be hope for your marriage. Some people separate and find out that the grass isn't greener - It's just growing over a septic tank (Props to Irma Bombeck for that line). She may find out that the single life is a lot harder than she thinks/remembers it to be. You may get your second chance, if you're patient. The question then becomes, "How patient can I be before this begins to damage me and the kids?" At this point, you and your kids have to be the top priority, not her. For now, she's made her decision. It's unfair, but you get to do the damage control.

She may well be punishing you, consciously or unconsciously, right now. There's not much you can do there, except ask her not to do it in front of the kids. That's not fair to the kids - They are having enough trouble with your wife's leaving. They don't need to see the fighting from a ringside seat.

You told your kids the truth from your perspective, which was the right thing to do. It sounds like your kids are having some trouble with the situation, which is to be expected. You might want to take them (and yourself) for some counseling about the situation, if they're willing to go. No one is perfect - There's likely "baggage" on both sides of your marriage. The question is how you deal with it as a couple and stay married.

Best of luck...

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Okay here goes...16 months ago wife has picture taken with another man whilist on hen night abroad, claimed nothing happened, then after 4 days of deniel, admits to one kiss. After many attempts to get life back on road, and marriage guidance, I feel that all the things that have happend over the last 16 months means she has just not tried hard enough to repair our broken marriage. I think we are just different people (we have two kids) My way of explaining this is, if we had met over the last 6 months, ignoreing the pic thing, we would not have lasted, the things over the last 6 months need not have happened if she had really wanted to make it work. But here in lies the problem I think she is just being who she is, which is not the kind of person I want to be with. My suggistion is we take a step back and try to get to know each other again, and work out if we would really like to be together. To be honest I love her and still want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I dont like the person she has become. And I also think she has become the person she is because she is so racked with guilt over the pic thing and the lying, and never having told the whole trurth (ie. I think she slept with the guy)and I beleive this is what eats away at her, makeing her someone I dont think I like...does any this make sense..

Is it the person she has become or is, or is it this midlife transition that is causing the changes, therefore it would not define who she is? A woman my wife was talking to kept telling her throughtout this ordeal, (regardless if it was about me, the kids or whathave you), that these are just feelings, they do not define you. Learn to look at the feelings as just that and you will be able to move on as you realize its not who or what you are, they are feelings. This midlife transition makes people look back, is this what i wanted from life? Then they start looking at other scenarios of how life would be with other men or women. Then their head starts playing with them, my wifes big thing was, i got married and all of this for hte wrong reasons, i did everything because others told me i should not because its what i wanted. After she was able to dig past this, she is referring to her mother. that is a whole other story, but basically she started to realize that yes this is what i wanted, this is what i always dreamed of. I dont know if any of this helps, but if you love her, stay with her, work with her and understand that she oculd be going through things that even she does not understand.

Be well

Dave R

I say cut off your communication as much as possible and give her as little as you can. she is just using that freinds crap to get more out of you. how good are you going to feel when you are paying the mortgage and a new man is living in your house, its only a matter of time. the right things to do are always the hardest, respect yourself and have fun with life. she might want you back then but I would avoid getting hung up on that thought as much as you can!