Am I having an early onset female mid-life crisis or just figuring things out?

Tell him you need a break want to take 6 months or a year off - live separately and see other people. Space and breathing room and the opportunity to grow and do different things are very important. It sounds like he is a good and respectful guy so he will honor your needs and do what is in your best interest. Sounds like it wouldn't be a violent or dramatic separation; it would be healthy time apart to reevaluate the partnership and try different things. You could even get back together at the end of it if you both felt that was right.

about the future of your relationship. You're at a point where you're committed, but not married, and are wondering if this is leading where you want it to go. When you say you're calling yourselves de facto partners now, that tells me you're acknowledging another level in your relationship and you're probably not sure how you feel about that.

In a MLC, people are also wondering if this is all there is to life, but it's different in that your trigger is the advancement of your relationship, which is a natural point in which to reassess the relationship. MLC people also seem to feel a need to abandon/question the past in a way I don't sense in your post. You don't seem to think the time you've spent together was a waste, you just wonder if it's what you want long-term.

You recognize that no relationship is perfect, which is good because too many, particular in MLC, are chasing after an ideal existence that I don't know anyone who has found.

The trick is to balance what you want and need versus what shortcomings you're willing to accept. No one likes compromise, but that's really what works. Tell him how important going dancing occasionally is and suggest a tradeoff with something he enjoys more. Then maybe you'll feel like you're getting all you need out of this relationship.

But in the end you have to be satisfied that this is what you want and not just more comfortable than being alone, or you might wake up in 5 or 10 years and realize that going with the flow has left you behind and in the throes of a full-blown MLC.

P.S. Your feelings are always valid and you don't need to explain them away. I broke up with my boyfriend of 10.5 years not only b/c he was completely dependent on me and stifling my growth, but b/c he was a terrible alcoholic and not getting into treatment. Our relationship had become completely destructive and the idea of separating felt like death. It was brutally painful and I've been recovering from it for the past 7 months! Anyway, I denied my feelings about it for years out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. Finally got into therapy and had to face what was really going on.

Lucky for you, it sounds like you just need some healthy time apart to grow and that your guy is reasonably healthy and well-balanced (unlike mine). So he may not take it to hard and may encourage you to grow and do new things. You say clearly that you have been feeling like getting out for a while now and that the sex has not been good. Those are both very clear signs and you should honor them! If you choose to stay in the relationship out of guilt, you may end up just hurting him subtly so he breaks up with you and you don't have to do it.

The other option would be to get into therapy with him and see if you two could work on some things. But it sounds like you clearly want out. You can do it in a way that it is not harmful and that leaves the door open for a possible future together, in case your self-exploration leads you to want to give the relationship another try.

The way you feel about him, and the misgivings, will not change and the relationship will not lose these nagging feelings that something's not right. I married someone I loved and respected, but I knew I didn't have quite the passion for him that I should have, and that "wrong" feeling has stayed.

There's a difference between knowing someone has flaws but feeling passionate about them anyway, and knowing there's a flaw in your feelings for someone.

I've been married for 20 years now and I still have that nagging feeling like I should've fulfilled something deeper or higher-level. Life can be good, but there's a price to pay. My advice? Talk to a lot of people about how their feelings went over the years. I don't know, but I'll bet, those who married with a feeling like "It's not going to be perfect, but we're meant to be together" are better off than those who thought, "In time I will learn to love him/her better."

You are a beautiful, honest person and I found your two cents very helpful. Thanks.

In my humble opinion, both partners need to have interests, activities, outside of the relationship. If you are feeling you need to explore yourself, then do it. That doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, just add some personal development time.

Do something you always wanted to do whether or not your partner goes with you. Maybe take classes, be a girl scout leader, start writing that novel you always dreamed of writing.

I was married to a really great guy for 18 yrs. I was under the impression that my whole life had to evolve around the marriage and his wants/needs so I pushed my dreams aside. that made me very dependent on my ex for all of my needs. I became more and more clingy and needy. When he couldn't meet all my needs, I blamed him for being inadequate and tried to make him into someone he wasn't. The root problem was that I didn't have balance in MY LIFE, not that he wasn't superman.

Find a balance in you life and hang on to that great guy. No person can meet all your needs. If has to come from within. I hope you don't have to learn this the hard way like I did.

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