I'm changing and now I'm tempted to leave my marriage--help.

I will preface this comment with an interesting book I read several years ago. Genean Roth is an author who writes about weight issues in a unique way. She says that we often use food as a substitute for love or caring. Also she says that many times when a woman is experiencing that "I'm so fat I hate myself" feeling, there's really something else going on that somehow got placed into the "I'm fat and unacceptable and I need to go on a diet" category.

I seem to have an "I hate my husband and I want to leave him" kind of thing, where I am getting depressed and then he'll do something entirely ordinary and I will just hate, hate, hate it. This morning he wanted to say something to me so he touched me lightly on the back to draw my attention off of the paper I was reading. I did not like that touch and I felt so angry. I've told him at times that I don't like being touched, but he does it anyway. It's really a normal gesture, but sometimes and particularly today I just filled up with my own little neurotic anger.It reminded me that someday I'm going to tell him, "that's enough--I'm done. No I'm not having an affair, I'm just dying to get away on my own and not have to be this creature I am. I can't stand this anymore!"

And when it happens, he's going to think I blame him but I know I'm having a neurosis of my own. I chose him and I will want to un-choose him. Why the hell can't I? I'll be just like that Diana Ross song, "It's my turn."

Then I'll be lonely and I'll have to struggle to make a living. I'll have problems and I'll be alone. I'll make my husband feel lonely and rejected. I'll break up my kids' secure life. And for what? Just so nobody can touch me if I don't want to be touched? I'm already lonely.

I just don't know. I'm soooo tempted. I don't believe in religion anymore, I don't think I'm damned or that I have to be saved. I'm hating Christmas kitch. But I also know that when I want to be an atheist I'm very unhappy. Something tells me I need to stay the course and not flop out. I need to tell my husband I don't like to be touched on the back, and I need to just let the chips fall where they may.

I'm not the sweet wife he thinks a wife is supposed to be! I'm about to bite!

Last night I said I felt squished and wanted some room. I said it nicely but I was also talking about myself a lot in the way that he dislikes unless certain things happen.

I hurt his feelings. I was being truthful for once in my life. I didn't mean it forever, just that night.

And I figured out about the neurosis. I just don't like to be touched in many ways. I like to initiate ideas. I like it when I tell a joke, not so much when others do. Some of my worst regrets are from people asking me to do things and me saying no.

That's what I need to start doing--letting others ask me to do things, and doing them in a connective way, not just for appearances. Need to be honest and real. I'm not a mean person, either. I just need to make the shift to honestly doing things for others as a form of being part of humanity.

I'm sorry for the way I have been. I think it came from being hurt as a child or something, or maybe to me, the definition of love has been "Putting up with things one doesn't like." I think I learned to comply, but to keep a shell around myself. Midlife crisis is another word for growing into humanity.

Instead of Diana Ross' "It's My Turn", maybe her "Touch Me in the Morning" is more appropriate song for you, except it should be "[Don't] Touch Me In the Morning." ?

What is really sad about your situation is that your husband most likely has no idea what struggles are inside your head - even when you give him small pieces of honesty and reality. (Isn't it ironic how effectively you have communicated to all of us stranger-bloggers?) He won't get it until you walk into therapy with him .... or you walk out the door - and then he still won't get it until you are gone for a while. At first he might blame himself b/c he'll see all his shortcomings, but eventually he'll emerge from it. He'll begin to remember things about you over the past couple of years and a pattern will emerge. He'll stop blaming himself and realize how blind he was, but there was no way he could have known b/c you never told him via words - only through your destructive behaviors that are not how normal people should communicate problems in a marriage.

Some of your story is strikingly familiar to mine. As we approached the exit ramp for Separation Street, my wife went through her don't touch me phase, which became "don't get near me" (a variation of I need my space) ... and I usually thought she was just peeved about something. This evolved into nothing I could do or be was right for her. After 20+ years of marriage I was told that I would never meet the ideal husband standard - her best friend's husband or her own father. Consider, if a guy told his wife after 20+ years of marriage that she would never be as good as his mother, all of us would know there is a screw loose somewhere in that guy's bucket and would not blame her for leaving him(!).

The day she walked she said she never should have married me. Not that I was perfect, far from it. But never marry me after 20+ years? Slow learner she? Not really, just a rationalization for drastic action on her part. I have very little contact with her now. I'm fairly confident she has not approached the level of happiness she thought was out there for her. I pray for her every morning and at night now. I pray for my adult kids. I have a different kind of love, a deeper kind for her. I have achieved some peace. I have accepted her decision and it is over. I am moving on. It is very sad, and not what I wanted. But it's not what I want - in hindsight, it never was.

I sincerely hope you choose the right path, but know as you probably do that none are going to be easy.

- Big Dog On Little Porch

I've been where you were in a lot of ways. My partner of 20+ years and I were seemingly doing OK. I think deep down I wasn't happy, but it was tolerable; we got along well, had a great house, plenty of friends, and a lot of history, etc. I believe we had drifted apart in many ways; I suddenly developed feelings for someone else. Despite therapy and trying to put it back together, I ended up leaving. It was my gut feeling that despite the obvious upsides of the relationship I just didn't belong there anymore; was increasingly isolated, lonely and just kind of putting up with it all.We had no kids, so at least that wasn't part of the equation. Yes, it was hard financially, socially, psychologically. Lost many friends and it was the hardest time in my life. But it was something I needed to do and am now happier, more independent and just better of. Sounds like either of you might be vulnerable; once you lose the emotional support and closeness the balance is easy to tip.

Lisa,

I am probably not the best person to seek advice from in my current state. But you do sound much like my wife in some ways and in others ways different. I don’t think that I am in the same place as your husband and my thoughts are probably significantly different.

"Right now my husband is angry at me and giving me the silent, emotionally cut off treatment, which used to devastate me but now doesn't hurt as much as it used to."

I’m angry at my wife but she doesn't know. My feelings about her are a bit confusing to me. I’m angry at my wife because I feel that she hasn't done enough to help us. But I'm angry with myself for not being strong enough in the first place.

Though when I go silent, it is not to punish my wife, it is usually because I have felt some level of betrayal from her, (in emotional terms, you would say my feelings were hurt), but the wiring in my brain translates it as a betrayal. The silence is a period of introspection and evaluation of the circumstances and reasons for her actions.

I feel a bit resentful towards my wife because I have been the protector, primary provider, and the one who holds back the deluge. I sheltered and protected her way to long, and I did not force her to get stronger, and now when I am tired and wore out and I can no longer carry the burden, she is unable to help. The natural consequence will likely be the dissolving of our marriage because I can't go any more. I don't think she is aware of my thoughts and intentions on this topic. It’s not her fault, its mine.

"I cook and clean and I don't deny sex. I don't know why I feel so poorly able to love him as much as he ought to be loved. It feels like it isn't in me."

My wife has been a good wife and certainly doesn't deserve the results of my failures. Your statement above sounds very much like my wife, and I suspect that my wife also respects me, but I also very strongly sense that my wife is not in love with me. Maybe this is the final wound that ultimately brings me to my knees, and why I can no longer continue on.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know my husband very well at all. He gets his identity from his work, so to me, that's all there is to him."

I can't speak for your husband, but for me, Work is what I do, not who I am”. I would much prefer to be spending my life doing the things that I love. Work is not on the list. I work because I have to provide food, cloths, shelter, healthcare, education, and all of the other stuff. It’s my duty, not my passion. Note, I’m not a slacker; I am a highly educated white color professional. I would gladly stop my career and job and trade it all for a much more meaningful life. In fact, that is exactly what I am thinking about doing.

I would much prefer to spend time with my wife, kids, being a better parent and husband and spending some time with some old friends. Most importantly spending some time finding myself. I have much greater need for an emotional connection today, than I did when I was in my 20’s. My wife is emotionally invested in the kids, and divested in me. The problem with this is that I can’t achieve more meaning in the current scenario because there is no room for me. It’s like a merry-go-round that you can’t get off. You might say, it’s a last act of self preservation.

“But he never talks about what he's thinking and feeling. I see him as a robot because that's how he presents himself. I can accept that this is the way he feels it's right to live, fulfilling that role, being the traditional man.”

This is where I don’t understand. I hope that my wife doesn’t see me as a robot; in fact, I think that I am moving in the opposite direction and my wife doesn’t know how to respond or she is unwilling. I was a robot in my 20’s and 30’s; “When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.” – Forest Gump

I am now more of a human being and becoming something more sentient. This is the root of my problem. I can no longer just shut down my emotions, and deny the things I need. I can no longer work 12 hours a day as a robot day in and day out. I feel a little bit like Forest Gump, when after he ran across the US from coast to coast several times and then he just abruptly stops and says, “I think that I’m done, I think that I will go home now.”

That’s me, that scene captures me, where I’m at and where I’ve been.

“I wish I could find him a robot wife who plays tennis, gets her hair done, manages his social life, shows appropriate reactions at all times, and who finds that he completes her agenda. “

If my wife were to think of me as a robot or wanting a robot wife, then this would clearly demonstrate to me, her complete lack of understanding me. This would just make me more certain that I need to get off this merry-go-round. I would probably file for a divorce immediately. The last thing I want is a robot wife.

What I need is a safe place to sleep, a place to reflect, a place to recoup, I need some time to think about who I am, and where I want to go. I need to know if we are still important. If that image that I created 20 years ago was real, or even realistic. If I throw away 20 years of life, can I create a life that’s meaningful?

“I'm needing to be someone different, to let go of the past and be the middle-aged woman now, and if he wants someone to boost him in his way of life, maybe he ought to find someone who can! That's how I feel. Just go for it. But I don't want to suggest that to you, because it would be cruel of me to tell you that you ought to leave your wife. “

Again, my needs are different. I do not want my wife to be different; I need her to become more. I need her to be more for me. If she is unable or unwilling to be more, than what should I do? My wife is a very good lady, the problem is in me. I am just breaking down as a robot, my programming is failing. I was stronger when I was just a robot.

"But I know I'm projecting my own emptiness, or I think so. It has to be."

This fascinating and heartening to read becasue it shows that people can stop and think before acting on impusle.

My wife felt the emptiness and blamed me. She left and the grass was not greener. She's had at least two lovers, been laid off and rehired, lives the double life where she is a saint to her parents and church group while at the same times indulges in a nether world of codependents and lowlifes. She actually counsels these people. I think they make her feel better abut herself.

From the outside looking it seems depresssing and far short of what she envisioned for herself. Before she left she told me that she wasn't having fun and was miserable and should never have married me 13 years prior.

There were blah times. I won't lie. I knew it but trying to move beyond those periods alone was like pulling a very heavy log by yourself. I got tired of trying. My wife had a utopian view that marriage was always supposed to be snap, crackle and pop. She grew up in a family where the focus every day was to be happy and have fun, fun fun. Never a still moment. Stay busy. Travel. Run errands. Plan parties. Shop. Talk nonstop. It's like someone watching tv who constantly flicks the reomote from picture to picture. I never once saw an expresion of love or anger.

There are moments when I feel sorry for her, which is strange. I have flourished since she invited the trauma into our lives. It was unlpleasant and I dealt with a great deal of pain over the betrayal and contempt but I'm stable. Even with all that has happened I sometimes wish that she had also come out of this a better person. But she's no better off. It's chilling when I have to deal with her and I see the same tendencies - anger, selfishness, self-pity and refusal to take responsibility for anything. I don't think that she wants to be this way but she doesn't know anything better.

That is a great expression. I have things I wish we could find in our homelife, but I can't seem to find them. Things like just chatting about whatever's on your mind and having someone care to listen, which if you followed this thread or some of my other posts you could see that my husband once told me he didn't want to hear my smalltalk.

That loss of the ability to freely speak has put a damper on other areas, like just playing a game of Uno at the table or something. It turned game night into a serious ritual of something that we must do or not consider ourselves a functional family. It made me turn within myself for the kind of thinking that leads to interesting associations and isn't businesslike. If I want to talk to him I feel like it must have something directly to do with him.

But what you're posting is the other side of the coin, which is that we should just be able to be together and not have to run around like nuts. I may be like your wife in that I feel empty if we do this too much. I don't want to sit here for forty more years, doing the crossword puzzle ritually. I can't tolerate the thought of it and I hate to say it but I'd rather have glaring problems to deal with, than sit there in a boring stupor. It sounds crazy but I mean it.

Surely there's a third alternative. Or else someday I'm thinking I'll just walk out. Anything is better than nothing.

My gosh, look at that thought pattern I'm having. If I keep thinking it, it will become a reality. I need to find a better direction in my life and marriage or I'll just dump all that's good.

La vie, c'est la guerre.

I don't think that you are like my ex-wife. My former in-laws liked to run around because no one could live within their own skin. I saw their constant preoccupation with frenetic activity as a way to avoid facing themselves.

I'm a very active person - more fit than anyone in her family - but I also like to think. I can sit in a room by myself with the television off. No one in that family ever expressed themselves. Mom and dad never had cross words even though tension bristled under the surface. My ex once said that she never once saw them kiss. My ex and her sister were not really "raised." They were placed in a corner, fertilized with material goodies, country club membership, and told to grow, like a potted plant. I had a very successful ride through mlc myself. No affairs, binges, sports car. I was thoroughly unhappy, even though I was in the midst of successful career. It didn't seem enough. I had a good friend, a wise sage, who said that it was okay. Just take the time to think things through. When confused, just do the next right thing. I emerged a very content person. I felt fortunate to have my life. Nothing external had changed. Not one thing.I didn't even take a trip.

My ex-wife's mlc came about three years later. She spurned counseling. She spurned me. She said that the fact that our marriage needed work was proof sign that it could not work. can't work with tht logic.

Like her parents, she seeks activity or some preoccupation to avoid facing life. So she became a codependent and surrounded herself with a pod of desperately needy, psychologically stunted people who have deep problems,all of them of their own making. She was/is their savior. Better to work on someone elses issues than her own. She would die for these people.

She also plunged into the internet and had at least 2 affairs going when I found out. For the first time in ages I checked the phone bill and found dozens of calls to phone numbers in another part of the country, at 1 or 2 in the morning. This was when she was waking up to "catch up on her work."

When the madness really started - the blaming, self-pity and her very vocal intentions of finding "someone who is going to take care of me" - I saw the end.

I get chills when I think of the bleak rainbow that is at the end of her road.

Lisa,

I am probably not the best person to seek advice from in my current state. But you do sound much like my wife in some ways and in others ways different. I don’t think that I am in the same place as your husband and my thoughts are probably significantly different.

"Right now my husband is angry at me and giving me the silent, emotionally cut off treatment, which used to devastate me but now doesn't hurt as much as it used to."

I’m angry at my wife but she doesn't know. My feelings about her are a bit confusing to me. I’m angry at my wife because I feel that she hasn't done enough to help us. But I'm angry with myself for not being strong enough in the first place.

Though when I go silent, it is not to punish my wife, it is usually because I have felt some level of betrayal from her, (in emotional terms, you would say my feelings were hurt), but the wiring in my brain translates it as a betrayal. The silence is a period of introspection and evaluation of the circumstances and reasons for her actions.

I feel a bit resentful towards my wife because I have been the protector, primary provider, and the one who holds back the deluge. I sheltered and protected her way to long, and I did not force her to get stronger, and now when I am tired and wore out and I can no longer carry the burden, she is unable to help. The natural consequence will likely be the dissolving of our marriage because I can't go any more. I don't think she is aware of my thoughts and intentions on this topic. It’s not her fault, its mine.

"I cook and clean and I don't deny sex. I don't know why I feel so poorly able to love him as much as he ought to be loved. It feels like it isn't in me."

My wife has been a good wife and certainly doesn't deserve the results of my failures. Your statement above sounds very much like my wife, and I suspect that my wife also respects me, but I also very strongly sense that my wife is not in love with me. Maybe this is the final wound that ultimately brings me to my knees, and why I can no longer continue on.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know my husband very well at all. He gets his identity from his work, so to me, that's all there is to him."

I can't speak for your husband, but for me, Work is what I do, not who I am”. I would much prefer to be spending my life doing the things that I love. Work is not on the list. I work because I have to provide food, cloths, shelter, healthcare, education, and all of the other stuff. It’s my duty, not my passion. Note, I’m not a slacker; I am a highly educated white color professional. I would gladly stop my career and job and trade it all for a much more meaningful life. In fact, that is exactly what I am thinking about doing.

I would much prefer to spend time with my wife, kids, being a better parent and husband and spending some time with some old friends. Most importantly spending some time finding myself. I have much greater need for an emotional connection today, than I did when I was in my 20’s. My wife is emotionally invested in the kids, and divested in me. The problem with this is that I can’t achieve more meaning in the current scenario because there is no room for me. It’s like a merry-go-round that you can’t get off. You might say, it’s a last act of self preservation.

“But he never talks about what he's thinking and feeling. I see him as a robot because that's how he presents himself. I can accept that this is the way he feels it's right to live, fulfilling that role, being the traditional man.”

This is where I don’t understand. I hope that my wife doesn’t see me as a robot; in fact, I think that I am moving in the opposite direction and my wife doesn’t know how to respond or she is unwilling. I was a robot in my 20’s and 30’s; “When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.” – Forest Gump

I am now more of a human being and becoming something more sentient. This is the root of my problem. I can no longer just shut down my emotions, and deny the things I need. I can no longer work 12 hours a day as a robot day in and day out. I feel a little bit like Forest Gump, when after he ran across the US from coast to coast several times and then he just abruptly stops and says, “I think that I’m done, I think that I will go home now.”

That’s me, that scene captures me, where I’m at and where I’ve been.

“I wish I could find him a robot wife who plays tennis, gets her hair done, manages his social life, shows appropriate reactions at all times, and who finds that he completes her agenda. “

If my wife were to think of me as a robot or wanting a robot wife, then this would clearly demonstrate to me, her complete lack of understanding me. This would just make me more certain that I need to get off this merry-go-round. I would probably file for a divorce immediately. The last thing I want is a robot wife.

What I need is a safe place to sleep, a place to reflect, a place to recoup, I need some time to think about who I am, and where I want to go. I need to know if we are still important. If that image that I created 20 years ago was real, or even realistic. If I throw away 20 years of life, can I create a life that’s meaningful?

“I'm needing to be someone different, to let go of the past and be the middle-aged woman now, and if he wants someone to boost him in his way of life, maybe he ought to find someone who can! That's how I feel. Just go for it. But I don't want to suggest that to you, because it would be cruel of me to tell you that you ought to leave your wife. “

Again, my needs are different. I do not want my wife to be different; I need her to become more. I need her to be more for me. If she is unable or unwilling to be more, than what should I do? My wife is a very good lady, the problem is in me. I am just breaking down as a robot, my programming is failing. I was stronger when I was just a robot.

I am 43, white, professional. I have spent the last 20 years of my life, married with wife and 3 kids. I have worked hard, 100% loyal, gave every ounce of energy and self that is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually possible.

I am tired. I can't do this any longer. I am in tears down within my soul and not a single person is willing to hold out a hand to me. Most of all, my wife is totally blind to my needs, nor does she even care. I have been the one who has to be the rock, which everyone comes too for help, money, strength, whatever they need. Take from me and never give back.

So maybe life would not be so bad, if I just left my marriage. I don't need much, I certainly don't need all the stuff. Maybe leaving my marriage is the best thing for everyone. Staying in it is nothing more than a life sentence of having my life slowly sucked away from me. I have served my devoted role for 20 years. What have I gotten? I am nothing more than the guy who pays the bills, an indentured servant.

At work I come into contact with younger women (30's) who seem to have far less needs and more open to exchanging emotions. Maybe its time to do something for myself, what is wrong with that? Maybe, its time to get off this “merry-go-round” we call marriage. I have more than paid the price for my freedom, and I am sure most men feel something similar to this.

Now you try to figure out if this is fixable? I am not trying to scorn you, I am just trying to explain what some of us are feeling. Maybe just only myself.

Really. Why must we be sentenced to a life like this? Maybe when marriage was invented they didn't have the presumption that they were supposed to feel happy.

I think my husband would say exactly the same thing about me as you're saying about your wife.

Right now my husband is angry at me and giving me the silent, emotionally cut off treatment, which used to devastate me but now doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I probably deserve his anger for being so clueless about him and his needs. I'm not 100 percent idiotic as a wife. I cook and clean and I don't deny sex. I don't know why I feel so poorly able to love him as much as he ought to be loved. It feels like it isn't in me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know my husband very well at all. He gets his identity from his work, so to me, that's all there is to him. But he never talks about what he's thinking and feeling. I see him as a robot because that's how he presents himself. I can accept that this is the way he feels it's right to live, fulfilling that role, being the traditional man.

I wish I could find him a robot wife who plays tennis, gets her hair done, manages his social life, shows appropriate reactions at all times, and who finds that he completes her agenda.

I'm needing to be someone different, to let go of the past and be the middle-aged woman now, and if he wants someone to boost him in his way of life, maybe he ought to find someone who can! That's how I feel. Just go for it. But I don't want to suggest that to you, because it would be cruel of me to tell you that you ought to leave your wife.

So, I'm glad you're posting and I hope to read from you again! The pattern is clear. My husband needs sustenance, support, nourishment of some sort. What am I, some sort of co-machine who does that for him? I thought I could be, but now I'm afraid I can't!

Please tell your wife what you want and need. Not in an accusatory way, please. Just tell her to give you a hug. Tell her what's hurting inside you, but don't blame her, please. Women don't know everyone's emotional terrain. You don't have to turn into a girl, you can do that like a man. Real men have the guts to say what needs to be said about themselves, don't they?, I'm sorry if you're afraid she'll reject you and shut you down. I'm afraid I'll do that too. Maybe I'm so passive-agressively hostile I'll shut him down more if he does that, or if I even slightly don't respond the way he thinks I should.

It's kind of funny. The one that paid attention to me before turned out to be an America hater. I'm glad I dodged the bullet of getting personal.

Once again the job of facing one's own issues is a lifetime's worth. For example, the jacket my husband wore made him look like my grampa, and I had to kiss him goodbye for the day and it was very uncomfortable. I didn't know I'd feel that way and now I have to either change me or get him a more flattering jacket, or both.

No one, absolutely no one that you have met/will meet is the person that they project. It's a fantasy -- how they subjectively see themsleves, or how they hope to someday be.

Everyone has at least at trace of vanity, some secret or a self-serving picture of themselves in the world.

If they're online, they're looking for company. Once they've found that man or woman they are not going to say anything to drive that person away. They will lie to keep the "relationship" going.

Ask yourself: How truly honest are you in these online conversations - about your loooks, your character issues, your spouse, your temperment, your intelligence? If you yourself are not honest, why do you thihk the idiot on the other end is being honest. What you have is a two-way conversation between liars.

Granted, I may be a minority but I can't think of a good reason why a middle aged person would have a facebook account unless they're looking for something or hope something finds them. Suckers.

Okay. I've come to realize now that my problems are in me.

Now. I look at my marriage and I still feel like I'm going to go nuts if this marriage stays like it is. Please do not take this the wrong way but I feel like it would be a purgatory and I'd rather die. Just meaning it as a figure of speech.

Does this mean I'm killing my spirit somehow and I need to find a way to renew it?

I know I need to find engaging projects that I feel passionate about.

I need to reconnect with the lady who writes books about this stage and age. Barbara Scherr? Something like that.

Maybe I have always thought that marriage would be a nice partnership between two people who are friends and lovers, who care about each other and do fun things together.

I question my ability to love my husband or anybody. I respect him and sometimes love him and sometimes just, blah. Why am I here?

But I know I'm projecting my own emptiness, or I think so. It has to be.

How about this: Who or what am I living for? Certainly, living for myself is living for not much. I mean, that's like a boat. You can own a boat and keep it fixed and maintained, spending all that money to keep it nice...but it's a boat nobody else can own. So you can't sell it. All that money is sunk into a bottomless pit.

Is the boat carrying anybody else? Is it going anywhere that matters? Is it bringing any good cargo that anybody else can use?

I feel like an empty boat. A toy boat.

if i was you and i have been in the posion to know wot im talking about , make sure u want to leave because once its done there is no going bk , i nearly lost everything i had becauce i thought that i wanted out and then one day it hit me like a done of bricks even if i did leave him i would still be left with the same feelings and if i went i realized that i would be facing them on my own , the real q is for u to think about are u blaming him for the way ur feeling and to look deepinside urself and ask if it you ur trying to run away from cos if ur answare is yes then belive me u will live to regret losing him , after i stopped blaming my partner for the bad stuff i was feelings things got alot better becuase i wasnt pushing him away he felt like it was ok to love me again the way he has always wanted to do but it was me who was doing all the pushing , if ur still not sure at least tell him the way ur feeling and u never know sorting out wot he is doing rong could bring bk tht spark again xxxxxxxx

i hope it all goes well for you i hate to see people lose people in life that wen u realize that wot u thought was missing that, emtyness that ur trying to fill is only made wider when we splitt from the best thing thats ever happened to us just rember the grass is always greener and ur grass could be the greenest of all so be sure tht u want to end it before u act on anything

Lisa, I am going through a very simular thing myself. I have been with my partner for 15yrs and our relationship was strong until I went through depression which was made worse due to the fact that I bought a computer and over time shut myself off from him and the world. I spent 90% of my time online playing poker and facebook, This new social life became addictive as it was a place that no one around me could go.

I began talking to a man who made me feel good about myself, It was our "little secret".We shared our thoughts, hopes and fantasies with each other, I felt like he was the only one who really understood me and passed no judgement.For 2 months I thought I was inlove with him and needed to spend every moment possible chatting to him.

The whole time I was totally oblivious to how bad my "REAL" life was becoming. It was'nt until the fighting became unbearable and my man left me for over a month that I reevaluated mylife and how I really felt. A major part of our problem was due to me always being on the computer, I found the will power some how to only log in in the evenings. I admit it was hard at first But after a few days I realised how many things I had stopped doing around the house and how distant I had become with my family.

I had time to play with my daughter, clean the house and regain control. I soon realized that I wasnt inlove with my cyber friend that he in some ways filled a void that I thought was missing. I do care for him deeply and we still talk often But I dont make him or my other online friends a priority anymore.

During the time my partner was away I asked myself if Our relationship really was boring and as bad as it seemed. I looked deep into myself and finally worked out that he was the same loving man he has always been and that I was responsible for his change in attitude toward me and for closing myself off from him. My personality and life style changed which inturn changed our relationship.

He and my daughter deserve me and my time far more than anyone online. Just ask yourself this, If you found out you had one day left to live, would'nt you choose to be with your loved ones?.... Take each day as its may your last and put your time and energy in to the ones closest to you.

Choosing a particular time each day to get online will become a new habit, A habit that will no longer have the power to take away what really matters.... Your husband and family.

You will see that your husband will begin to see you... The you that he knew so well before facebook to you away from him and as you become you again , You will notice how well things will fall back into place.

All the best Lisa

Lisa, I am going through a very simular thing myself. I have been with my partner for 15yrs and our relationship was strong until I went through depression which was made worse due to the fact that I bought a computer and over time shut myself off from him and the world. I spent 90% of my time online playing poker and facebook, This new social life became addictive as it was a place that no one around me could go.

I began talking to a man who made me feel good about myself, It was our "little secret".We shared our thoughts, hopes and fantasies with each other, I felt like he was the only one who really understood me and passed no judgement.For 2 months I thought I was inlove with him and needed to spend every moment possible chatting to him.

The whole time I was totally oblivious to how bad my "REAL" life was becoming. It was'nt until the fighting became unbearable and my man left me for over a month that I reevaluated mylife and how I really felt. A major part of our problem was due to me always being on the computer, I found the will power some how to only log in in the evenings. I admit it was hard at first But after a few days I realised how many things I had stopped doing around the house and how distant I had become with my family.

I had time to play with my daughter, clean the house and regain control. I soon realized that I wasnt inlove with my cyber friend that he in some ways filled a void that I thought was missing. I do care for him deeply and we still talk often But I dont make him or my other online friends a priority anymore.

During the time my partner was away I asked myself if Our relationship really was boring and as bad as it seemed. I looked deep into myself and finally worked out that he was the same loving man he has always been and that I was responsible for his change in attitude toward me and for closing myself off from him. My personality and life style changed which inturn changed our relationship.

He and my daughter deserve me and my time far more than anyone online. Just ask yourself this, If you found out you had one day left to live, would'nt you choose to be with your loved ones?.... Take each day as its may your last and put your time and energy in to the ones closest to you.

Choosing a particular time each day to get online will become a new habit, A habit that will no longer have the power to take away what really matters.... Your husband and family.

You will see that your husband will begin to see you... The you that he knew so well before facebook to you away from him and as you become you again , You will notice how well things will fall back into place.

All the best Lisa

I've been staying off the computer on Sundays and noticed the day is very nice without this hot, dusty, black, stale, square thing stuck in my face all day.

It's all in how it's used.

Examples: I admit I'm a coffee addict - in the literal sense. I can't go without it without physical symptoms. However, I accept them as the price I pay for enjoying it. I don't consider it a problem because I am aware of it.

TV is not an addiction for me at all. I rarely watch TV anymore. (Reading, OTOH, is something very addictive for me, because I use it to "cut off" communication with people.) My parents taught their kids to use TV like a library. We would watch a show, then turn it off and do something else. We duplicated that with our children.

It's good that you realized that you need time away from the computer. If you can control something, it's not an addiction for you. But that's just my opinion...

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Oh, the journal has saved my life! I highly encourage it! The info it gives me isn't painful at all! It blesses me! It guides me. I only see the lessons when my mind is ready to deal with it. It's not harsh at all. It's very gentle and encouraging. I pray to God for guidance. I truly believe He guides me to the knowledge I need to have a happier life through this journal. And I don't condemn myself at all. I believe that God has a sense of humor, so I laugh at myself! We're all human. When the revelation of how my ego was getting in the way of happiness came, I wrote in my journal, "Oh! Duh!!! Who did I think I was?? Well, now I know. Before I was blind, now I see!" And I was amused at myself. We can't know what we don't know, so why beat ourselves up over it? I just try learn from it. I'm so grateful to have the snapshot of myself recorded. It can lead to great improvement and happiness in life.

I index the lessons and insights offered in the journaling so I have a good way to review them. Otherwise, I might fall back into old patterns of thinking.

As far as other people reading it, I'm thinking of destroying the individual entries once I have all the indexing and other tools I use in place. I would not like other people to read the individual entries! It would be hurtful to them. I'll bet my spouse would love to see the grateful list dedicated soley to him, tho.

The other thing I'm working on, is doing unto others what you would have them do unto you (the Bible.) And, "Do small things with great love. First start at home," from Mother Teresa. This inspires me to behave kindly based on what I would want others to do for me, versus what their current behaviour is towards me. And not just to give, but to give in a personal, meaningful way. And it doesn't have to be a grand project of giving. It can be just a little gesture. So it takes the pressure off.

Thanks for your encouraging words. I will pray for a renewed happiness in your marriage. Peace!

Hi Lisa,

The things you are going through are so familiar to me. You could almost be the female version of my MLC. I hit my MLC like a bug hitting a windshield. I had no idea it was coming, as I had a very rough time in my 40's. I thought that period was my MLC. Wrong! It hit full force out of the blue about a month ago. (I'm a youthful-looking 51 and in decent shape. I could pass for my early 40's if I dyed my hair.)

I carry a heavy load anyway as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. (Depression, denial, communication problems, occasional suicidal ideation, you name it). Google the term for more information. This has combined with my MLC to create a nightmare of emotions. I'm in the process of finding a new MD and a therapist for both myself and as a couple. I want my anti-depression medicine re-evaluated, among other things.

I had essentially been carrying on an emotional affair with a younger (34) ex-coworker for a few years via e-mail and Facebook. (The company we had worked for had failed. Many of us kept in contact via e-mail and Facebook.) I didn't even know the term "emotional affair" until I came across it by accident a few weeks ago, and I didn't I was in one until my MLC hit me. I told the young woman that I feared my feelings for her were getting too strong and I wanted her to help me back away before something bad happened. In reply, she cut all contact off with me. Maybe she's wiser than I thought.

Meanwhile, I have come clean to my wife about where I am and what I'm feeling. She had put on a lot of weight and our sex life had died altogether about 16 months ago. I ended up with ED because she was so large that I no longer had any desire for her as a woman. We are both going to the gym regularly to get into better shape. She has a long way to go in losing weight. She is also an ACoA, so she realizes that she bears a lot of responsibility for what has happened too. It took both of us to make this mess and it will take both of us to clean it up - if it can be.

I'm questioning everything in my life and I'm not liking the answers. I'm almost afraid of the therapy, because of exactly what you said about change, Lisa. Change is painful and stressful. What if after all this I decide that I want a divorce? I know that I'm incredibly lucky, because I grabbed the first person I could and married her. It turned out that we were able to build a decent marriage for almost 30 years. Will it survive this? I can't honestly say...

Hi Anon, (Please register, BTW)

You're on a good path. Making a "Grateful List" is a good idea. I know that I easily overlook or miss good things right now. The exercising is a great idea. I'm going to the gym on a 2 day on/1 day off schedule for an hour each day of treadmill and elliptical. I hate exercise, too. I realize it's like getting regular oil changes for your car - you just have to do it or face the inevitable wreckage. I'm on a path to lose about 30 pounds. My wife is also going to the gym for the same reasons.

I also support your idea of volunteer work. My wife and I have been active in a dog breed rescue (Shelties) for several years as "foster parents" and office work, fundraising, etc. We recently took a break from it for an emotional recharge, but I think we'll be back at it soon. A class is a great idea, too. The best time I've had in the last decade was going back to college and getting my BS degree in Writing and Communication.

I'm learning about journaling now. I've always been very resistant, as I'm afraid someone will read it. I have no one in mind that might do that, but I fear it just the same. That's something I have to keep working on. Ironic considering my degree...

I've been an organ donor my whole adult life and I support your decision to be one too. I was in a very physically demanding and potentially dangerous line of work for about 25 years (airline ground operations) and I knew that a rare bad accident could kill me in a split second. (Getting strained through a turbofan engine can ruin your whole day. So can walking through a spinning propeller, getting hit by a baggage tug, etc. If so, "parts is parts." ;-)

I found out some really upsetting things about myself during my MLC. I'm only about a month into mine and I have a long way to go. We've been married for almost 30 years and I'm trying to do repair work on our marriage. It's hard to admit some things, especially for a man in our society. We're encouraged to be tough, strong, silent guys and we frequently are...right up to the first stress-induced heart attack or stroke. Some men like me get a different kind of wake up call.

No, none of us is perfect or even close to it. Accepting that can be hard. Even harder can be not beating yourself up and/or hating yourself when you inevitably make a mistake. I have a long way to go on that...

Good luck and keep us posted. We need to hear the success stories as well as the trials.

"I want to be the person my dogs think I am."

It doesn't have to be a fantasy! You can have new possibilities in your life without leaving what you already have behind.

I would like to share with you my strategies for dealing with this painful midlife crisis.

I made a grateful list. I looked around my home and was surprised to find that people have given me a lot of things because they appreciate me! Most of all, my husband! I had been taking him for granted. There's a special list just to record any little gesture that my husband does that makes me feel appreciated. I review it when I'm feeling judgemental against him.

When people compliment me, I note it! That way, when I'm feeling insignificant, and like I've made too many bad decisions in life, I can review this list. I don't need to go online to get the positive reinforcement I crave.

I'm exploring my faith in God and have returned to Church. It's amazing how many secular as well as religious programs and books specifically address issues I'm dealing with. If you ask God to give you wisdom and counsel, He is happy to do it! I joined a bible study group. Some of the people there are in their 60s and have been married 30 or 40 years. They made it through this stage of life so that's encouraging.

I've taken up walking for a half hour a day. I don't like to exercise, but it's just a half hour. I alternate walking with exercycling. I'm thinking of joining a walking group, like Volksmarch, or walking for a charity. It will widen my horizen of acquaintances and friends, keep me healthy, and raise my self esteem because I'm donating my time to help others if I fund raise.

I'm looking for a new volunteer activity that I can do that's completely different than anything I've done before. And I've given away some of my posessions to charities that help the poor. Today, I signed up to be an organ donor. I want my life to have made a difference and not to have been all about me.

I'd like to take a class for fun in an new area. It can be a cooking class, art, graphics, whatever! As long as its fun.

Finally, as I journaled, I learned alot about myself. I hungered and longed for absolute perfection in the marriage relationship. I built up this incredible fantasy life in my head that I felt like I should have and I felt denied! And then over time, I remembered who I am and who I was when I married. And I saw that it was quite egotistical of me to think I was perfect! Now I'm grateful that my husband chose me to be his wife. I'm a work in progress. I hope this helps.

Oh, it's real all right. The problem is that there's no guarantee that things will be better for you if you leave. The odds are very high that you will be worse off. (That excludes situations like physically or emotionally abusive relationships. I'm referring to relatively normal marriage here.) Your challenge outside may not be what you think it is. That is the reality that you are avoiding, IMHO. At least, that's what your post implies to me.

I agree that physical exercise is important, so much so that less than a month ago, my wife and I have started to go to the gym at least five days a week. I have lost a few pounds, but I don't a "runner's high" or anything yet. Mostly, I get sore. However, the evidence is pretty convincing that exercise will help our health overall. Can't hurt, might help.

I don't recall if you said that you are an ACoA or have been diagnosed with depression, but this quote makes me wonder: "...I've lost some capacity to even experience it (fun) as my balance gets weaker and I retreat." That sounds all too familiar. Have you talked to your physician about it? It sounds like what I carry from my time being raised as an ACoA: dysthymia.

I'm not sure about your comment about "...be the good wifely example as taught to me in church as a child." I take it that perhaps you were in a Baptist or similar conservative church? Consider this: Much of what is taught in churches is not Biblical, but the church's group and cultural mores. Another question is how seriously you take the Bible and those that interpret it. (Disclaimer: I am a strong agnostic/atheist after being raised Catholic and spending my teens in the Baptist Church. I know whereof I speak, but I may be biased as I am very suspicious of organized religion in general, as well as Messianic churches and cults.) "Sold out?" That depends. If you think you did, then you did. But you can change that if you feel that it is the right thing for you. One thing I've noticed in religion is a strong drive towards reducing churchmember's confidence in their own judgment and intelligence, so that the church in question can fill that role. Harsh? Maybe, but it reflects my experience. And yeah, your "new husband" will do things that grate on you, like snore, leave the toilet seat up, etc. That's called "being human." ;-)

I like Facebook myself. However, in my situation the stage was already set before I first went into Facebook. I knew the young woman in question as a coworker and had worked closely with her for about three years before our employer went into Chapter 7. The "emotional affair" came later on. I am still conflicted about it, because I'm not sure how much blame the young woman in question bears. Was it all my fault as I fear, or is there enough blame to go around for both of us?

I have talked to my wife about it and still have no answer to that. Indeed, I may NEVER know the answer to that. I can only work on my side of the equation. I will admit that losing a close friendship hurts terribly, especially when you are like me and make a few close ones rather than many shallow ones. However, that might be the price for my personal and marital survival. If so, I will add it to the list of things I am grieving about in my life and will deal with it in therapy.

If you would like to link to me in Facebook, e-mail me privately. Your call.

Ditto what the two previous posts are saying--that's what I'm struggling with. I was so surprised by how excited I felt about having people (kind of) paying attention to me and listening to me in a way I hadn't felt since I was young. But I knew that this was nothing different from things I'd seen and heard of all my life, that I expected myself to be better than.

I stopped the exciting talk but i'm still addicted to Facebook and when nobody has written anything new lately I feel empty. Hence the need to go out and get involved in things that people are doing. I need people.

Also I too need to maintain my health and my respect for my body's need to be worked with. It's just so typical of me to avoid that matter, and now that I'm 44 it isn't going to stay good unless I help myself, unlike my 20's when I had a fountain of good health.

We have to submit to life's demands. Even as I'm writing this I don't wanna! I want excitement and romance and easy fun. And yet I've lost some capacity to even experience it as my balance gets weaker and I retreat.

The real demon to fight is not my yearning for a sweeter boyfriend, but that tendency to avoid reality. I think it's always been that way.

I'm also looking for a way to be true and honest in my words and feelings and not just speak according to stereotyped behavior. I dont' want to go wild, but I don't want to sit here and be the good wifely example as was taught to me in church as a child. I know I sold out in that area when I made my choice of a husband, but now any new husband would do the same snoring.

I have this fantasy that leaving would give me a challenge to survive and open my life up to new possibilities. Is it fantasy or is it real? I'm having a hard time giving it up.

I can relate with you competely. I became infatuated with a man who was very kind and encouraging to me in the middle of a hardship. It wasn't the first time I felt this way, tho married, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm easily infatuated it seems. Especially if a man is nurturing and encouraging towards me.

At any rate, I've never acted on these infatuations. I recognize how deceptive they are. People can behave in a positive way online and be total idiots in their home life. Think of people you know. Maybe it's an uncle who's a very popular, well-liked teacher. Yet at home, he drinks excessively and is rude to his wife. No one is perfect! You just can never know what people are really like.

I recommend that you close your online social networking accounts for a little while, and find creative, intelligent women who can support and encourage you in person. You will feel lonely at first. It will be painful. It feels like grief. But if you take the steps to work through this, you'll be a much happier person in the long run.

I know. I'm working through the same issues myself. And I watched my father destroy our family by running off with a younger woman. My mother never forgave him and his mistress left him in the end when he grew old. He died alone. Please work on making the life you already have, better. Even if it's just finding ways to develop and nurture yourself and accepting the shortfalls of your husband.

I wish you the best!

I have just come across a book called "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage" - it really says it all - especially the author's account of her affair. Sounds EXACTLY like my STBX and how we both let our marriage become dull and vulnerable. I had no idea that it really is a switch thing with some people - one moment everything is kind of OK (if not perfect) and then GAME OVER - the switch is flicked when a new man appears. I really thought I would get more notice if there was a serious problem - too busy with the rest of life to notice I suppose.

Anyway, you can read a fair bit of the book by going to Google Books and then searching for "avoiding greener grass".

There is also an article with the author and her husband on Youtube - search for "affair destroyed".