I'm changing and now I'm tempted to leave my marriage--help.

Hi Lisa

When my husband left me last year I loved him with all my heart and I only wanted him to be happy. I had always thought him to be a wonderful husband. If he wasn't happy with me and didn't love me anymore then I knew he had to leave to find happiness and ultimately it would be better for both of us. I am a good person and deserve to have a man love me for myself and want to be with me.

What hurt the most and I don't know if I can ever forgive him for it was the way he left. He was using the internet to connect up with an old girlfriend. He was using the internet to talk to her about issues that if it was not so readily available would he have talked to me about it? I will never know. How real are these people on the other end of the computer?

Before you go too far down that road please reconsider. I wish with all my heart that my husband had come to me with respect and honesty and told me what he was feeling and that he had to leave before he surfed the net. I could have handled that so much better. Now I feel like his cast-off that he was putting up with until he found someone else on the internet to go to.

It's taken me the last year to try to build my self-esteem back up and realize that I am not somebody's second best.

I hope you can save your marriage but if not please do it with respect to your husband and your family. Don't go down the other path because you will have to live with that decision for the rest of your life. And so will your family.

I'm not judging you in any way - I just hope I have given you some food for thought.

Lisa,

To answer your question I would say you might need to cut of those relationships that are getting to close and stepping over boundaries. I don't believe that your husband should be making up excuses for not talking.

My wife and I have been separated for about a year and a half now and I pushed her away with the same kind of attitude as your husband. I would suggest some type of counseling or maybe books (to many to name) that will open his eyes. Perhaps you all have close family members who can speak with him open and honestly to help snap him out of his funk. Truth be told my wife tried everything and then pretty much gave up on our marriage, it took that and quite a bit of counseling by myself to realize what an ass I had been. Now I'm struggling to get her to come back into counseling. She finally agreed to a Imago Therapy workshop in late June, but until then I'm left on pins and needles wondering if it'll work for us.

My wife joined these social networking sites and in our separation she has admitted to an emotional affair. It took me awhile to get over that and truth be told I'm still struggling with it now. So I would once again say don't fall for the trap of social networking sites, the lure is a sure fire way for you to make matters worse. Let me refer you to this link from this site: http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20090417-internet-addiction-and-women. The post talks about how women start out on these social networking sites just in an emotional affair and how it becomes more and more addictive, essentially drive a wedge into their marraiges.

I'll be praying for you and your husband to make it through these tough times. Marriage is filled with many peaks and valleys, although your in a valley now imagine how nice the next peak will be!!!

God Bless, Praying that my wife and I make it

This is not an unusual thing to happen, I guess!

Couple of thoughts. I was in the store shopping and I was thinking about this one old friend that I was having a great online conversation with, and I noticed myself feeling things I hadn't felt for a LONG time. Like, an open heart and stuff. I kept thinking about him and I felt some infatuation, even at the same time as I'd seen pictures of his wife and kids and on one level, was really glad to see how his life has turned out. On another level I was crushing.

That's when I started to see what it was doing to me. I thought about meeting him somewhere, and that was WAY over the line because I'd seen it happen and it was an ugly thing to do, and I didn't want to. If I was going to leave, I'd do it under no such conditions.

And besides, maybe I was looking to jump from this ship onto another ship. And that's not what I truly ought to do--using someone as a crutch. I need to stand on my own two feet and then see what would happen. Still, it felt so fun to talk to someone from way back when, and it was tempting.

But I held off on making an assessment. And then later, I'm walking along, thinking about a creative project I want to do. And that project, I know is going to work for me if I put myself into it. Now, this guy I've been talking to is a designer. He doesn't need somebody like me messing with his family life.

But my project! It needs a lot of love and attention. This guy symbolizes something for me, and I need to sublimate that infatuated feeling and put it into my next project. So...I'm hoping this is why this is happening. That I can find my way to a better place by using my own strength as a creative person. And if I still want to walk away, I can do that if I'm willing to work really, really hard.

And then, maybe I will have found the courage to tell my husband that if I can't talk freely and openly with him, he's not going to know what's going on in my life.

Thanks for kind answers. I have been knowing I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life, but now I see that I have some choices. I don't have to do what I said I'd never do.

The temptation? I'll have to remember who I really am--or find out.

Bottom line is we are bull headed and stupid at times. Get his butt in counseling before your heart quits. My X quit on me. I wanted counseling and got 2 yrs of hearing her say I dont know. Her heart wasnt in it she had already quit and yet I was willing. She never thought I would go and participate. Check out the movie Fireproof and the companion books including Love Dare. Great stuff, dont sell him short, nuture the relationship and pray. Pray your butt off. Love believes all things, hopes all things. - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Love is a beautiful thing, don't lose it fight to get it back

It sounds like your husband is so stressed out about work that he's taking it home and lashing out at your "petty things" as beneath the important issues nagging at him daily. Whether that's true or not, the nice thing about a relationship is that you have someone there to listen to "petty" concerns. Perhaps if you explain that you understand his stress and that, while these things you want to talk about are not a big deal, it's still something you need to get off your chest and you want to come to him with it because you value his opinion. Maybe if you make him feel you'd rather come to him than a person on net it will strike a chord.

I imagine you feel neglected and may think you shouldn't have to do all the work to get him to listen, but think about the end result and don't get bogged down in who is investing more in the relationship.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to seek an open listener elsewhere, but so many marriages are torn apart by such anonymous daliances because you can imagine the other person to be what you want, free of the annoying quirks of those we know inside and out. Plus, it's exciting to have a new audience for your thoughts and discover someone new.

But it's never right to move on without fully exploring the relationship you're in. Only when you've exhausted all options and let your current relationship truly run its course are you really ready to start again. Otherwise you're running away and you'll probably just keep running from one relationship to the next.

When someone leaves for another person, I always wonder if they were just hanging on until something else came along? Either they should have addressed the marriage/relationship problems or they were simply too needy to leave until they had something else, which isn't good either.

It sounds like your husband needs to understand that you're important too, even if what you might have to say might be relatively mundane. It's really not about the words, it's about who's saying them. I've been bored at times from hearing my wife drone on about work, but have learned it's important to her and to just appreciate that I am needed. He's coming home wanting to be free of work worries and probably thinks he's being bombarded with home worries on top of that. Not that he shouldn't be more willing to listen regardless, but balancing in more fun activities to make home more of a refuge would probably make him more receptive to hearing occasionally about "petty things."

You should talk to your husband about how you feel about the fact that he no longer wants to talk about petty things... and you should talk to him about your facebook relationships and how you have come to replace him with that. Let him know you are thinking about leaving and give him a fighting chance.

I experienced a similar situation with being contacted by an old crush from my youth and communicating via email and culminating with meeting for dinner. We never did anything physical but he was occupying my thoughts and I was fantasising big time about him for quite a while and in fact I still do a little. It had a profound effect on me and my marriage as strange as that might sound... and I was thinking of leaving. I did realize how crazy it all was and hooked up with a therapist. To make a long story short I spilled it all to my husband and I've worked my way back to wanting to stay with my marriage. Telling him about all of it certainly got his attention and he has been working harder to be there for me too. He has made it clear how important I am to him and we are getting some of the passion back.

If you are important to your husband he will do what he needs to do to keep you in the marriage. Whatever you do don't make leaving about whoever you are having an internet relationship with. The truth is that they are probably nothing like you think they are...and if you have even an emotional affair you will probably regret it I do!

By the way I posted my story here back in December or so and I believe you responded at the time saying that you had never looked up any old crushes and that you were now glad you hadn't and you thanked me for teaching you what could happen. Do you remember that?

yes, I hadn't hooked up with any old flames. A week ago out of the blue he looked me up on Facebook and that was so flattering. Someone was interested in me. I'd have thought that sounded like something a very shallow person would go for, but I don't think I'm shallow, and this excited me very much, like a drink of water to the thirsty.

That's a good observation about how the person on the other keyboard is probably not like you'd think they are. He isn't. Back before I got married he was a fickle dude, really kind of having me as a backup girl, and I know it. This reinforces that. And the thing is, he dumped me and I got obsessed about him and then I worked through the obsession and learned a very valuable life-lesson, and so then I had some affection for him on that basis. We were talking about intellectual things but then he said, "How far are you from Denver?" and that really got me in an emotional frenzy, fantasizing about what might be. But that's the same moment I realized I needed something better to think about. Needed that like crazy.

I love my husband enough, in a way that it would violate my standards to leave him over an internet relationship. Imagining the shame of doing such a thing, I would consider myself completely hypocritical, based on things I've thought about people who do that.

Now I know how strong the feeling gets, though. Maybe if my husband were a couple of degrees nastier to me, and I had one or two less bad examples to look at, I might have gone--assuming I'd even be invited. I should never judge anymore.

I will let him know about what tempted me. I feel obligated as this is one of the terms of marriage as I know it. I don't know if I'll be able to remain as I am, as we are, because I seem to have a strong drive to go back and make my own livelihood, which I feel I skipped doing, getting married right out of grad school. That is another thing to work out down the line.

I watched Fireproof and it was really good. I need to get Love Dare and see if that rekindles my open willingness for affection and caring. And, I need to speak.

I understand. I was (and still do to some extent) feel those feelings about that person I was communicating with, yet at the same time realizing how ridiculous it all was. For some reason that kind of attention can really have an affect on someone.... but I am pretty sure if we went for it we would be very disappointed... and regret leaving our marriages. There has to be something pretty strong there to stay in a marriage so long. Better to work on that and if you do decide to leave because your husband has checked out and isn't going to check back in realize it's likely you will be alone for awhile.

it's amazig how we can be in the same boat at the same time and not even know it.

i think sublimation of the infatuation is the best thing i have heard all week. as i am on the brink of being addicted to the attention my old friend lavishes me online, finding a way to channel this energy (tingling and inspired--even my skin looks better) that is so pure, it causes me to bloom, into something of more value. . .

thanks and good luck!

Lisa - I'd say drop Facebook and spend less time in front of the TV. Both you and your husband need to set time apart for each other. Our society has made it,almost, that work is an all inclusive pursuit. My recent class had us read a book at the end - a book that I was surprised was even part of the curriculum. It's title was "Choosing to Cheat." It has nothing to do with infidelity, it has everything to do with spouses cheating each other, and their families, by spending time in the 'workplace' at home. It was a big eye-opener in a lot of ways. You can only be thrown so many lines before the lifeboat pulls away and you find yourself drifting aimlessly, wondering how you missed out. The answers are not going to drop into your lap, you need to be proactive in a positive manner. I suggest you start reading things that are worthy of their print. I have mentioned a few books, along the way, in various posts since my own world came crashing down. It's a lot cheaper to spend a few dollars on a book, taking it's content to heart, than it is to go down the easy path which will leave you feeling the same, if not worse, after the honeymoon is over.

My recommendations for reading are:

"Choosing to Cheat" by Andy Stanley "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman "Change Your Heart-Change Your Life" by Gary Smalley "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado

-Jim

One more thing - Who cares about the 'status quo' be Lisa. That's all anyone, who truly loves you, should ever ask of you.

I talked with my husband, after we had a fight in which I heard him make a remark to me, and the content of the remark was silly but in the tone of voice, it sounded to me like he really didn't like or respect me--it was cold and vacant and mean. He took it as if I wanted to micromanage how he spoke to me and what he was allowed to say. I respect his point of view and yet his interpretation was miles and miles away from what I really wanted to make happen. All during the argument I wondered if I really knew him at all, or he me.

I'm not saying this to complain, but to look at it once again and be realistic about what it would take for us to have success. We need counseling or a support group. Jim, you are so right about the TV, computers, and the work ethic. We really slid down that slippery slope.

I think what it would take for us to stay together for life would be for us to start bringing out the best in one another. He can be really funny and interesting in real life. I am really flaky and sensitive in my worst light but caring and creative in my best light.

My MLC has forced me to start to be who I really am, and stop trying to apologize all the time and be the one to compromise. Now I'm angry. At the same time I will need my skills of listening and communicating and to not act on my adolescent wish to break free.

Choosing to Cheat sounds important. I mean, the book title, not the action.

I haven't heard from my friend this past week, because of his family life. He has a young boy about five years old and I'd rather cut off my finger than do anything to hurt that little boy. So...I've started refurbishing furniture. Who knows if I will be able to sell it. I may fail. But I'll love trying.

Lisa:

I hear ya...or should I say I have been reading ya...girlfriend.

I have been reading your postings here at LifeTwo for several months now. I have watched a very compassionate, intelligent and beautiful woman go through the beginning stages of a mid-life transition. I was extremely hopeful for you because you were thinking and talking/writing it out here on the forums. I fear with this new post you are crossing over from MLT to MLC!

Your most recent posts here sort of worry me...you are cycling or going round and round about your situation. You know the exact things that are causing your problems but you are choosing to continue doing them, allowing them or perpetuating them.

I am going to be very honest and forthright with you...be prepared...if I have misunderstood, please correct me:

First, step away from the TV and the Facebook relationships, especially the one with the man who has a family. I see an emotional affair building there, if there isn't one already...you are seeking out an "emotional/self-esteem massage" from this man and he may be looking for the same thing from you. They are both escapes and/or a band aid for what is really ailing you. Please read my most recent article that I have written about women and Internet dangers and addiction. I am not saying you, Lisa, are addicted...what I am saying is the lure is very strong especially when the result of the experience leaves you feeling exilerated as a recent poster stated:

To the Anon Poster who said:

You aren't on the brink...YOU ARE ADDICTED...compare this statement to what someone has said after having a great drug experience..."it felt good, I was inspired...creative"...think about it! You can channel this feeling all day long in to something of value, but eventually the FIX won't be good enough and you will step up the risk and the game...just like a drug addict will...soon it won't matter that you channel it in to something of value...you will do it just to feel the "tingly" feeling...but it will be at a much higher cost! There will be no value any more...just the addiction)

Be very careful about these on-line relationships. They are an escape! They are NOT innocent because you are on a computer and not physical...it IS stepping across the line. What would you do if you found out that your husband was chatting up an old girlfriend or crush on Facebook? Having an EA is not the way to give your husband a wake-up call...He will wake-up, alright when he finds out...what he does and says after that may just surprise you? It IS betrayal.

Also, pouring yourself into a project is a distraction. It is not doing the mind, body and spirit work you need to do to get past your MLC, along with healing the weak points in your marriage. Your marriage and relationship with your husband is secondary, while birthing the NEW, stronger, more confident and beautiful YOU is primary! You don't have to do this by destroying or hurting the relationships and people around you. Your MLC is about YOU...all the projects, new jobs, schooling or whatever, will not get you through this time in your life. An MLC is about unresolved issues that dip way back in to your childhood, stuffed anger, low self-esteem, an inability to cope, along with a need to know that you are significant, excellent and successful...it could even be driven by a unknown health issue. But it is a process...A person won't know the later until they tackle the former.

Lisa, focus in on YOU, instead of escaping in to others or other things.

I would love to speak to you or correspond with you...You and your writing has resonated with me since the first time you posted here...Please contact me privately here at LifeTwo or at Women in MLC (www.womeninmlc.lefora.com)

Lisa...I was you six years ago...I don't want you to go down the road that I did...Thank goodness, I didn't have to learn the hard lessons like some women that are at my forum or here...but I almost lost everything...my marriage, my children, my home...the life that I had grown to love. You can save yourself too...I know you can...the internet...the projects are distractions or a detour...I see greater potential and possibilities...it's in every word you write!

Shepherdess

Lisa, it sounds to me like you have done a lot of work to confront(is that the right word?) your MLC from all the posts I have read from you. You are taking the steps that you need to so your life is better. I have to tell you...based on what I have gone through, you have to take care of yourself! You can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink (unless you hold it's head under!!). If your husband is not willing to make time for you, that should tell you something. We have spoken about how it is all about communication - which he does not want to be a part of. So, you go and find some friends to talk with, and maybe something happens...will he take responsibility for pushing you away? He has to be willing to do the work as well.

For the MyFace (as my father called them!), there are two worlds that we all live in. Real and Fantasy. Fantasy can be reliving your past, reconnecting with old friends and ex's. If you recall my issues, my wife found her ex via Myspace and wanted to become friends with him and his girlfriend. She would not let me be a part of their friendship in anyway. To me, that's as bad as cheating. A marriage is two people working together. For me, its working to make sure our 3 boys are better off and better people than me. It's okay in my opinion to have those friends online, but your husband should be taking more interest in you and your marriage. My wife moved directly into fantasy world and it destroyed our marriage. I have now taken 2 out of our 3 boys to a counselor as they were going through depression and it seems not to matter to her. Now that I have given her the paperwork for a divorce THAT SHE IS ASKING FOR, she is hesitating to sign it. Becareful what you ask for!

I do have a facebook account as I use it to monitor my oldest sons posts, my wife has the myspace to keep an eye on him as well. It is a good way to reconnect with my old friends, but that is all. Maybe I have an antique vision of marriage, but you should never put yourself into a position that could be construed as cheating, physically or emotionally. She had one old friend start posting innappropriate postings on her page, which I said I thought was bad and got a blank stare from her. She finally asked him to stop which he did. Until the night a group of friends went out to the bar where she is living now...and this guy tried to jump all over her. You never know what others are thinking or what they could do.

Best of luck and I hope you can get your husband to be more responsive!

Kurt

I like to call it My Face too. That's what it's all about. Here's what's happening with the old paramour: He isn't posting now because...family matters are there for him. I must say I had some withdrawal feelings and it reminded me that I never was anything more than a distraction, kind of a conversational geisha. I was not that for my husband, I was number one for him, and remembering that is a good feeling.

I've been wondering what the Shepherdess and Jim really meant about being who you are. What does that really mean, and how do you know when you're doing that? I guess it's in what you do and whether you're being authentic, that is acting on your honest gut feelings, in integrity. I believe you can only know who you are by how you act. That's my hypothesis right now.

I am starting to see that I've been a coward all along. It takes courage to do what you really want to do and face the challenges, like the self-discipline and the hard work, and disappointing people who want you to help them instead of staying on task. Not that you're not supposed to be helpful but you have work to do, and if you're frightened of the sore muscles it's easy to let others' needs overwhelm that. So, even if I had a wild fling and all the excitement and the inevitable crash and remorse, I'd still not have faced the real challenge.

But here's the clincher. When "that guy" comes back and talks to me again, I'm going to want to do the creative fun talk again. He has interesting friends and takes a lot of pictures, and I keep thinking it could be fun but safe if we set up boundaries...I'll let you know if that's true or not. See? I'm not turning away from temptation. It's not cool. I could, but I'm still on the border. See, now I'm reading what I just wrote and it looks pathetic and I want to feel strong and proud of myself...

Wow, Lisa- you really hit some good points in your post. What I mean in my post about being yourself is basically not telling people what you think they want to hear, but what your heart is telling you to express to them. There is this thing called tact that you have to use when you don't agree with someone; a lot of us have forgotten, myself included, how to use this tact, so as to not to come across harsh. I was a people pleaser for a majority of my life - at least until about 5 months ago when someone pointed this flaw out directly when I reversed confronted that it was, in fact, not how I really felt. You should Google "people pleaser," it's amazing. And I want to point out that I am not, by no means, saying you are - it's just one of those traits that, if conquered, will make you more of who you are. It's easy to say that you will set up boundaries and respect those boundaries with this other male friend. I am sorry, but those boundaries will fail. You, yourself, even recognize this in your own post as you reflected on what you wrote. You want excitement? You need to go out on a 'date' with your husband. And not just once in a blue moon, but one night each week. Go to dinner, a movie, take a stroll in the park, go find a secluded area and be 'teenagers' again. The excitement of an affair is because it is something out of the norm that gives you feelings that have been long lost due to the commitments of family life. Nevertheless, something you and your husband need to realize was that the first commitment you had is to each other. Your husband may be reluctant to do as I have suggested; I know I was when I was still married. I was so tired from work that all I wanted to do was stay at home and relax - I was 'Choosing to Cheat' in my marriage by letting work overwhelm me physically and mentally to the point I neglected what really mattered. Marriages are work, it's that plain and simple. It's a shame that some have to come crashing down for us to realize this.

-Jim

Lisa, You can simply remove this person as a friend on your facebook during a strong moment. That's what I did with and "old friend" I was obsessing about on facebook. It was hard to to but I did it with no explanation and he never asked.

Well I do know that when I am receiving attention from this individual, I feel creative, inspired, and great. But when I am not being paid attention to, I feel degraded and miserable. I suspect many people feel this same way when they aren't getting their fix of the person they're infatuated with. I don't like feeling like I'm cheap goods!!!!! And yet that's me acting that way!!!

The thing is, it is just like a fix, like a drug they make you feel good too... for a while. Doesn't cure the problem really. If you felt good about yourself and your life you wouldn't need the fix. But it's just an illusion.. You should go talk to Shepherdess on her website.

Wow, I see so much of myself in the above posts. I don’t have an Internet relationship, but have allowed myself to become infatuated with a coworker. It felt safe to fantasize because he and I worked together on a project that was self-limiting and then I would forget about it. Wrong. The project is over, and I still find myself daydreaming and wondering when I’ll bump into him or if I’ll see him in a meeting. The feelings that have been awakened by this fantasy are indeed as addictive as a drug. I’m trying to overcome the feelings by forcing myself to channel my thoughts and energy elsewhere. I don’t know how else to get past it. It’s all in my head and it has got to stop! I was at an event last weekend where I observed this man I am so fond of and his wife interacting. I watched them lovingly talk and touch each other; they walked out holding hands. I felt ashamed that I have been lusting after this good man who obviously has a good marriage with a lovely wife. Shame is a good deterrent and I am going to keep feeling ashamed until I move past this. I also feel envious. I’ve been married for 31 years and have spent most of that time feeling angry, resentful, and disengaged from my marriage, instead of working on it to make it good, to make it something that an onlooker could see and be envious of. We’ve been to counseling before, but I’m ready to give it another go and put real effort into it, instead of sitting around daydreaming like a high school girl with her first crush. I need to understand why I was vulnerable enough to let this happen. What seemed so harmless has ended up causing me a lot of distress, but maybe that’s what I need to motivate me to improve my situation. ”Not to choose is a choice”. That’s the choice I have made for years, to just let my marriage stagnate and become fairly miserable. No one ever said change was comfortable. MLC sucks. I am not even going to pretend it’s a transition, definitely a crisis in my case. No wonder people do crazy things in their fifties. I am determined to hang onto my sanity and not do anything I will regret. I have to choose to do better.

OMG, reading your story is so much like my life at the moment, except for that I have become very close to another man from another country, he is also not happy in his marriage. I just wonder if it is a mid life crisis, or is it because i have never had any excitment in my life ever, (growing up with very strict parents, and getting married mainly just to leave their home, but at the time i did feel as though I loved him, and he was my first full on boyfriend) and now I enjoy being online with this new man, but for some reason at the moment I cant bring myself to leave my husband, maybe you just need that little excitment online for a little while untill you feel yourself calm down. Dont make any serious decisions like leaving him just yet.

I would really love to get in contact with you, so we can share our stories properly together, I have not met anyone in the same situation as what I am in.

Cath

It is so funny. This is like a replay of how it was back in the day. I predict I will hear from him again when his beautiful wife is visiting her family. But now I'm 44, not 24. Back then I felt like nothing. Now, I feel like something, and I know that first of all I have to see myself as worthy of first-class status in my partner's life, and worthy of telling and being told the truth. Actually I do not feel like I'm first class in my husband's life--his work computer is. But that is a separate issue, and the real one to deal with. It is me who lives in limbo lo these many years.

If internet guy said he would like to meet me in Emerald City, I would want to go, very much. I don't think I should "go there" in terms of conversation.

What would be really cool is to be able to raise a toast to all that is best about him, and then just reach a conclusion and say farewell.

Have you told your husband how you feel about his computer? It's amazing how the simplest things can rip a family apart. I can relate to you, Lisa, from the other side. I, too, let work and a computer come between my family. The sad thing is, I was so trapped that, even if someone had told me I would have brushed it off as nonsense. I sympathize for you and your husband - I have travelled down this road. Did you ever see the movie Fireproof, where Kirk Cameron takes his computer outside and bashes it to pieces with a baseball bat? Good stuff. : )

-Jim

Yes my husbands work comes first for him, and me and the children come after work and money. We have been married for 10 years, and I am hoping my life will not be like this for the rest of our marriage, he knows how I feel about the whole situation. I have been in an emotional relationship with this internet man for nearly a year now, talking every week and at times every day together. He has even talked about him moving to my country, cause i would not move overseas. But who knows what will happen in the future. But for the moment I need him, I know it sounds crazy and wrong to be doing this, but I actually think this is what is keeping me sane at the moment.

Cath

My wife turned 40 on 28 April 2009. For at least two and a half years prior to this she made it clear that she wanted something memorable as it was a mile stone event. Naturally I agreed and planned a romantic trip to the Amalfi Coast in Itlay or a journey on the Orient Express. Unfortunately these plans were exploded 20 days before her birthday, when I accused her of having an affair. When she failed to answer I threw her out of the house. I know! the biggest mistake of all. However, I had noticed her growing tendency to flirt with one particular guy in our local pub. She said that they were just good friends. Obviously thought I was blind or stupid or going to believe that guff. I'm not a jealous guy and to be honest my wife had been too shy even to enter a shop if I held the door open for her until very recently. So when I first saw her new confident behaviour I was extremely pleased. She is now having a full blown affair with this guy and says the usual MLC rhetoric of self justification. Am I bitter, yes I am and I think that I have a right to be so, as the guy is 58. I'm 47 and still fit, its just that I failed to show and give her the respect that she felt she deserved. Whether thats the answer to this split and not MLC I couldn't rightly say, as I am not a psychologist. However, reading the comments on this web page her behaviour and what she said prior to and after leaving the house are too close to be anything else. I believe the catalyst for all this arose back in January 2009, when she joined facebook and looked up her old boyfriend. He had dumped her in the most appalling way possible. She told me she had due it at the time, and that it had upset her. She was hoping that the ex BF was a failure. But he turned out to be happily married with a child (something my wife didnt want: No really she didnt want any children). I think that this revelation has caused her to suffer further anxiety attacks or full depression by reliving her trauma from that fatal relationship. I could be wrong but her behaviour started to change shortly after in subtle ways, not helped by the fact that our marriage had settled into a comfortable "loving attachment". What can I do! Write the woman off because of her actions? That's saying she is actually in charge of her actions, which is difficult to see. So I'll stand by her as I made a pledge on our wedding day that come think or thin I'll be there for her. Maybe it nothing will come of it, but if I don't do it then I am not the man I consider myself to be. But I am not going to mope about and toady after her, she has to reach her own decisions. Apart from that ellongated story does anyone have any suggestions?

That's why this is such a serious matter. We made vows for life, never knowing just how long life really feels, nor how hard it would be to love somebody. It is really quite an achievment to stay married. We are responsible to our vows. But I think it's foolish to go along with a proscribed model of how marriage ought to be, and then try to fit ourselves into it. What used to be fun is now boring. What used to be cute is now infuriating. What we used to think would change has now become the set point. It sucks!

For Wife at 40, my advice to you is to go over how your marriage is now. Admit your marriage has serious problems and is being held together by threads. I had that conversation with my husband and it helped because we couldn't take anything for granted anymore. But it can't be done in fighting mode. It should be done calmly, with nobody having to make an ultimatum or anything like that. The old template can be thrown away.

I'm not sure how good this advice is because I'm in the thick of it myself.

I don't talk to internet guy. What I want a love affair with is LIFE.

Thanks Lisa

As with all areas of life the human spirit yearns for the novel and unique. A marriage/relationship with one partner will become stale unless both actively make a point of introducing the novel and unique from time to time.

I am learning that I have the capacity, when I find myself really not able to stand another night, to turn it around and actively love my husband. It's not romantic love at all. It's just based on the fact that I need to love him if I am going to stay. I have no other choice.

well sir, if you truly wanted to stand beside her through thick and thin, then it seems to me like you would not have thrown her out of the house now would you? Had you thought of better communication or a belief in her that she has a right to have friends other than you?

I have just come across a book called "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage" - it really says it all - especially the author's account of her affair. Sounds EXACTLY like my STBX and how we both let our marriage become dull and vulnerable. I had no idea that it really is a switch thing with some people - one moment everything is kind of OK (if not perfect) and then GAME OVER - the switch is flicked when a new man appears. I really thought I would get more notice if there was a serious problem - too busy with the rest of life to notice I suppose.

Anyway, you can read a fair bit of the book by going to Google Books and then searching for "avoiding greener grass".

There is also an article with the author and her husband on Youtube - search for "affair destroyed".

Hi Lisa,

The things you are going through are so familiar to me. You could almost be the female version of my MLC. I hit my MLC like a bug hitting a windshield. I had no idea it was coming, as I had a very rough time in my 40's. I thought that period was my MLC. Wrong! It hit full force out of the blue about a month ago. (I'm a youthful-looking 51 and in decent shape. I could pass for my early 40's if I dyed my hair.)

I carry a heavy load anyway as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. (Depression, denial, communication problems, occasional suicidal ideation, you name it). Google the term for more information. This has combined with my MLC to create a nightmare of emotions. I'm in the process of finding a new MD and a therapist for both myself and as a couple. I want my anti-depression medicine re-evaluated, among other things.

I had essentially been carrying on an emotional affair with a younger (34) ex-coworker for a few years via e-mail and Facebook. (The company we had worked for had failed. Many of us kept in contact via e-mail and Facebook.) I didn't even know the term "emotional affair" until I came across it by accident a few weeks ago, and I didn't I was in one until my MLC hit me. I told the young woman that I feared my feelings for her were getting too strong and I wanted her to help me back away before something bad happened. In reply, she cut all contact off with me. Maybe she's wiser than I thought.

Meanwhile, I have come clean to my wife about where I am and what I'm feeling. She had put on a lot of weight and our sex life had died altogether about 16 months ago. I ended up with ED because she was so large that I no longer had any desire for her as a woman. We are both going to the gym regularly to get into better shape. She has a long way to go in losing weight. She is also an ACoA, so she realizes that she bears a lot of responsibility for what has happened too. It took both of us to make this mess and it will take both of us to clean it up - if it can be.

I'm questioning everything in my life and I'm not liking the answers. I'm almost afraid of the therapy, because of exactly what you said about change, Lisa. Change is painful and stressful. What if after all this I decide that I want a divorce? I know that I'm incredibly lucky, because I grabbed the first person I could and married her. It turned out that we were able to build a decent marriage for almost 30 years. Will it survive this? I can't honestly say...