Deal with Your Issues!

How many people are hurt from just one "hurting person" each day? In 18 years of marriage, I realized I was beaten down by his issues because he refused to address them, admit them, or get help for them. We became so proficient at sweeping problems under the carpet and not letting anyone help us. I'm sure we were afraid of it all becoming unraveled and it's embarrassing to admit you need help. And the Pandora's box fear was there.... once we opened the lid, it'd be very painful before anything got better again. Much easier to pretend it's not there and move on. His dad was emotionally abusive to him. He grew up trusting women but not trusting men. His dad was the kind of guy who could smile at you in such a way that you felt one inch tall. He had a grandmother and her roommate who took him to Major League baseball games and would let him stay with them at their apartment. And they'd play cards with him and make him feel like he was just the best thing since chicken soup. So he began to love MLB and trust women. And he also knew that for his own safety, never trust men. Because men could be nice, in such a way, that they'd cut you like a knife.

He grew up to be just like his dad. He'd really feel natural and loving toward his daughters, but he'd automatically mistrust his sons and feel intimidated by them. No amount of me trying to get him to go to counseling with me would work. He just wouldn't go. He thought I was being ridiculous. He didn't see that he treated the boys differently than the girls. Everyone else could see it. But everyone else must be wrong, apparently. He missed so many opportunities with his sons over the years.... but it doesn't matter because he can't see that he's missed them. And anyway he has a banner relationship with his daughter. They're like best buddies. So he's fine.

But oh my God, the damage he's left behind. The debris. Our marriage. His relationship with his sons, their perceptions of what they need to do to get dad's attention. Their view of their sister whom they resent because they believe she's dad's favorite, amazing, sports-wizard daughter. Her resentment of them because they are treating her unfairly. My relationship with her that had once been extremely close. All of this--has caused a division in our family. His issues have affected every nuance, of each relationship within our family.

The debris. People, look around you... when there is nothing but burnt wreckage and broken relationships and wounds and scars--all for the sake of your pride, was it worth it to tough it out and not reach out for help? Really. Was your self-esteem and your self-image worth the damage done to others? People who do not get help leave residue and pain on everyone they love and who loves them back.

By avoiding help, instead of protecting yourself you are damaging everyone you love. Your mental health issues, no matter what they are, have a ripple effect on the lives you touch along the way. And your children will grow up thinking that the way you parented them is the NORMAL way dads or moms should parent, or the normal way moms or dads should feel or behave--and the chain of damage will continue to another generation, just like my ex husband's pain and damage traveled on with him from his father. Is that truly the legacy you want for the next generation?

As for me, I left the marriage, I sought help. I found a husband who would be a healthy dad to my kids instead of a judgmental, insecure dad to them. And when we have issues? We get help. We address them. It will break the chain of damage into the next generation.

I was active in cutting that connection to the source of damage. Yet it didn't happen without a price..... my relationship with my daughter who is closest to my ex husband is not what it used to be.

But I intend to get help, and work on it.

Edited from my blog at: http://soupseedsnest.blogspot.com/2009/04/deal-with-your-issues.html