Reflecting on a year after the crisis hit

I think that both of you have got to look at your lives and decide what you really want out of your lives and out of your relationship. It may be that you two will start something new together or that you will decide to go your own ways. I met a couple one time who were 80 years old and had been married for 20 years. Than I realized that they had met and gotten married when they were 60 years old. You are too young to give up on life and I strongly suggest that you figure out what you really want, where your passion lies, and go after it. She can either be a part of it or you need to leave her behind. I speak from experience, my friend. I am 60 years old and got divorced for the second time 3 years ago. We made an amicable decision that we would both be happier not married to each other. Since than I have taken up yoga, cycling, running and hiking. I have met many new friends of every age, both men and women, and I am as happy and healthy as I was when I was in my 20's. Staying together is not necessarily the only or best option.

Reading about the process you're going through is helpful to me. Your situation sounds exactly like mine from just about every angle. I've just been faced with the surprise that I've apparently been losing him for a long time. The only difference is that my spouse wanted counselling.

While I want to talk it out and understand what's happening, I'm just terrified that anything I say or do could make things worse. There's a strong desire for me to put energy into doing something positive, but what? Every thing I try is criticised as making his life worse. Either I'm too selfish or I'm too selfless and virtually every decision I make, including sitting back and letting him call the shots, makes him feel pressured. I don't feel in control of my behaviour or my life. I feel increasingly confused, controlled, indecisive and isolated by everything that is happening.

This is a really painful process that I know is going to get much more painful. Its comforting to see that you've made progress in the past year. At the same time, it is terrifying to me that you've been going through this for a year and still don't know what the future of your relationship will be. Our therapist told me to expect this will likely be two years of difficult times ahead. It's hard for me to envision how to get through day by day, realizing that in a year, I may have few answers or any sense of direction.

How do you get to the point where you can cope with the tenuous nature of your marriage and career? Can you recommend anything you've read, any bit of wisdom that was passed to you that helped you cope with this crisis in your life? Anything that can provide some hope is really needed right now.

As much as I'd like to say there's a magic book or wisdom out there, the truth is that every situation is different and you've just got to be able to adapt. The most helpful thing reading about midlife crisis for me is to realize that I'm not alone. I've also read some comments from successful people who manage their fears by envisioning the worst case scenario and preparing a plan for dealing with that. The thought is that once you've convinced yourself that you can conquer even the worst thing that can happen, you can attack the situation with a clear, confindent mind rather than one clouded by worry.

With both job and marriage, my philosophy has been to do what I can and realize that some things are beyond my control. I spend close to the equivalent of another job contacting people, searching for jobs, updating my resume and the like and try to fit in time to think about my relationship and what is needed to ensure that my wife is happy.

In her case, I recognize that a lot of it has to do with keeping things fresh. I don't know if it holds true with other people, but I sense with her the important thing is to reinvent myself to hold her interest. I've never been a complacent, sit on the couch person so you'd think that wouldn't have ever been a problem, but her needs for constant stimulus are beyond those of ordinary people. Being childless, we've led lives of regressed 20-somethings forever, so imagine throwing the midlife crisis urge for a younger lifestyle on top of that. So I've taken more of dating mindset, not so much regarding spending money, however, as the job worries keep that in check, but in terms of suggesting different things, keeping a sense of humor and making her laugh and finding new, common interests - many centered on her love of the Internet, social networking, games and the like.

Counseling did help for her to realize that her restlessness is not uncommon and that her relationship doubts were also tied into her belief that she was "broken" - that her female problems and corresponding lack of interest in sex made her a bad spouse. I do think guilt about that played a role in her uncertainty. Combined with massive fear of aging, a best friend trying to pull her into a single lifestyle and a family history of divorce that had her thinking people just weren't meant to stay together, and the pressures on her to question our marriage were great.

While I'm still disappointed she didn't have more faith in us and me in particular to come forward when she first had doubts, understanding better what she's going through caused me to assign less blame and I think she's picked on that and became less defensive, starting a positive spiral instead of the negative one that had us constantly on the edge emotionally for many months.

I've also coped by recognizing that the dual crisis actually works out OK should the worst happen and I lose both my marriage and job. I'm sure I can find other places to live and would no longer have the burden of paying a mortgage that makes me so nervous about losing my job in the first place. Then maybe I could spend more time doing things I enjoy rather than always trying to fix problems in my life. Not that it wouldn't be devasting and it would be hard to lose the lifestyle I've enjoyed and built over the years, just that I can see myself picking up the pieces. That does help boost my confidence and, whether it's an employer or spouse, they will not find you desirable if you do not exude that confidence. Work worries have also made her understand things could be worse and she should appreciate what she has - part of her MLC was thinking she should have more at this stage in life and blaming me for not making enough money. She has blamed herself as well now. That's not a good thing necessarily but she does understand the role she plays in our financial situation and that my job does provide benefits hers doesn't so the overall compensation might not actually be so bad.

I still await closure with her former best friend, knowing that her anger gives an outlet that has settled her marriage unrest for the moment, but that it can't be healthy in the long run.

As I've said, the saddest part is that I'll never be as invested in my marriage that I once was. And I'll spend years, if not the rest of my life, wondering what might be around the corner. But that would be true of any relationship I might have now that I've been through this. While you want to think there's an end in sight, the truth is that this seems like what alcoholics say they go through - one day at a time. While that sounds difficult, it is something you learn to cope with. On the other hand, I have an opportunity to refresh my marriage and make it even stronger than it would have been had we just taken it for granted and just stayed together without addressing the doubts.

HELLO:

THERE ARE TWO PROGRAMS I WOULD SUGGEST, "MARRIAGE FITNESS" BY MORT FERTEL, THIS IS A PROGRAM THAT YOU TWO CAN DO TOGETHER OR ALONE...IT IS BETTER TOGETHER...YOU CAN FIND HIM ON THE NET (ABOUT $400) TAKES 7 WEEKS...

ALSO GO TO WAL-MART OR ANY BOOK STORE AND GET THE BOOK "LOVE DARE" ($12-$)...(TAKES 40 DAYS)...BASED ON THE MOVIE "FIREPROOF", WHICH IS ANOTHER GOOD SOURCE...WATCH IT TOGETHER...

IF YOU DO THESE PROGRAMS, ONE OR BOTH...YOU WILL SEE SOME GOOD RESULTS...THERE IS ALSO ANOTHER BOOK CALLED "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS"...

BUT DONT GO INTO THESE HALF HEARTED...BE DETERMINED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE....DONT JUST LET IT GO...YOU BOTH ARE WORTH IT!!

GOOD LUCK!!

TERESA

However, I don't know what gave the impression I was half-hearted. Sometimes not rushing off and trying to do everything possible is better. I know - in the first few months I read a dozen books or so (including "His Needs, Her Needs"), worked through two book-related series of relationshp tune-ups and went to counseling.

Some helped, some not so much. You can only nudge someone in a direction toward getting help, it's detrimental to actively pull the person.

There are depression, midlife crisis and physical issues at play here and those things take a long time to play out. The counseling particularly seemed to help put her on the right path and doing too much now will seem like a step back and throw things into turmoil.

My task now is to balance the need to at least touch on issues and keep lines of communication open while not dwelling too much and making it a crisis. My wife is more like most people envision men to be and would rather run than address emotions, so these things have to be handled tactfully.

It's sad to think you have to use strategy with feelings, but I know there's danger in my coming off as too emotionally needy, so I have to remain somewhat reserved in my approach. Maybe that comes off as half-hearted, but it's really not. However, I have found that the restraint has fostered some actual degree of detachment - that's where the notion of no longer being fully invested comes in. But, while that's not the fairytale, swept-off-your-feet romantic notion of marriage we might like, it's probably not only best for me but also more in tune with reality.

Just as my wife needs to understand that the fairytale life she thought she would have at this age is just that, I have to acknowledge that our marriage does not have to be this blissfully, totally in love 100 percent of the time thing to still be good.

My wife moved out 4 months ago. She said all the usual things " I love you but I'm not in love with you". We have not spoken in 6 weeks and I have found the lack of contact helpfull in a lot of ways, just getting my head straight. She turned 40 last year.

I have allways had a lot of hobbies, skiing, camping, biking etc. I shared these interests with my wife because she did not seem to have a lot of hobbies of her own. I feel she resents me and feels she has lost her identity. THe funny thing is her identity before meeting me was what she wanted to move away from. Now she is back to her old ways, going out for drinks 4-5 nights a week with 25 year olds and pretending her life is an episode of sex in the city.

This has been the hardest experience of my life. For the first 3 months all I did was try to win her back. Now I am focussing on the things I love to do, trying to be positive. The last time I spoke with her it was allmost like meeting a stranger. She had a disconnection from me that was startling, she is not the women I fell in love with.

The hardest part to deal with is the selfishness.

We have learned that we have no control over the things in our life that we THINK we control. Not our jobs, our homes, our families, our belongings, or marriages. We simply don't. We build our lives with that security - but it does not exist. Talk to people who lost spouses on 9.11, or in Rwanda or Darfur or in any war zone.

Ultimately, we learn that to be happy and fulfilled, we need to realize that it CAN take place with us alone, jobless, posessionless. Other cultures do it. Why can't we?

This does not mean that we should not try to hold our families together, of course. I tried - some wrong things, some great things, I would have climbed Everest to save my marriage. But I never had the chance, and I knew it when I got the first "speech." It was over in a snap of the fingers. Separation and divorce came swiftly, quietly.

So after that it becomes finding peace (for me God) in the stillness of NOW. The present moment. Not the past, and not the future. But living in the now - and now can be abundant. Don't let the bad memories of yesterday pollute your now. Those days are gone, over. Just like that time you got beat up in junior high. Just like that first girlfriend that dumped you. Just like your friend that died when you were 27. Those memories shape you, sure, but they don't need to control your "now."

Sorry for your journey(s) - but you never had any control. You could have been the absolute perfect husband/wife - and I guarantee it would not have made one bit of difference. Your spouse(s) simply began to suffocate from the life you built together. Doesn't make much sense, but what on this earth, with our goofy celebrity and accumulation of "things" obsessed culture does?

iamsingle

My husbands MLC hit a year ago. During the past year my thirty year marriage fell apart and I moved out of my home on Friday while my husband was more than happy to sit back and watch while I dealt with the selling of it. During the downsizing I sold most of our furniture. The only constant thing in my life for the past year has been my job.

However, I have an immense amount of gratitude. Gratitude for friends both existing and new friends made in the past year. Gratitude for finding my spiritual side. Gratitude for developing my artistic side. Gratitude for realizing that even though my husband did his best to destroy my inner self and esteem that I have more strength and independance than I ever thought I could. I never would have discovered any of these things if I hadn't been put in this position.

On the flip side I am unbearably lonely. I recognize that this is a time I have to go through. I have to heal and become whole before I can offer anything of value to someone else. I am proud of myself that I didn't fall in the trap of so many - jumping into another relationship out of lonliness or fear of being alone. And that fear of being alone can sometimes be overwhelming.

I'm still grieving but now I'm not so sure if I'm grieving for my husband or the life that we had. Maybe a little of both.

I have learned that you have to enjoy and appreciate your life day by day and never take it for granted because it can change without a blink of an eye and one simple sentence "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to live with you anymore".