Fall Out or The Ripple Effect of an Affair

Fall out from past mistakes will cause a ripple effect in your marriage/rleaionships, IF they are not dealt with in a healthy manner.

If the person who is doing the forgiving stuffs their emotions...the anger, betrayal, resentment, grief, in an effort to keep the peace, to move forward out of the horrific circumstances of knowing that their partner has perpetrated the worst act that they ever could on them...then indeed the "Fall Out" will be great and eventually it will ripple through the years. Trust, respect and the integrity of the relationship has not been restored...in fact; it has remained stuck back in the history of the original offense. Many times when this happens, the person who has done the forgiving gives themselves permission to do the same thing later on down the line…it is a delayed revenge. Their act eventually clears the playing field in their mind…you did it…so now, so can I!

This is what I see and hear when I learn that the husband has had an affair earlier on and has been told that he is forgiven…the important question to be asked is: Has this event on both parties part been resolved? Whether you like it or not, the original affair was the first sign of what your future will hold…unless both parties deal with the anger, resentment and the betrayal that originally occurred.

What all this boils down to is that the affair is yet another incident that is placed on her list of unresolved issues. It must be dealt with immediately…resolved…spoken about…forgiveness is not just words…it is an action word, just like Love is a verb…it is not a feeling, it is in the actions you take to demonstrate it. So, this is true with forgiveness.

The most important question anyone should ask themselves in the partnership is following the discovery of an affair is:

For the person who is forgiving the affair – Has this act given me permission to do the same thing?

For the person who committed the affair – You must ask your partner: Do you see this as permission to do this also?

The thing is…this question is never asked or answered after the affair has occurred. The offender, in most case is so relieved that they are forgiven and assumes all is well, while the partner may have taken a rain check on their own affair. Their partner may not even realize that they have done so…it is when the anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal grows or rears its ugly head that they decide or realize that it is alright to have their own affair. They give themselves permission…It is part of the justification and rational-lies that a woman in MLC will use as they blame their husbands for the cause of all that is wrong with their lives. “You made me do it…it was your affair that caused me to have mine.”

This self-given permission is no excuse or a valid justification to have an affair. It is still a betrayal to a partner…even if the partner was guilty of the same thing years prior. Two wrongs don’t make a right and this case…it is definitely very true. But at the same time, if there is a chance for reconciliation…both partners are on a level playing ground now…the score has been evened…neither, can hold this sort of thing over the others head any longer. It is NOT the best way to even things out…in fact, it is the worst. I don’t recommend choosing this tactic.

On the other hand, do not tell your partner that you will be able to forgive them for what they have done, if you truly can’t. Be honest with yourselves. Go forward in to trying to heal the situation, resolving the original problems knowing that there is the possibility that the partner will not be able to forgive. Opening the lines of communication in this way, letting your partner know that if they believe that they can not get over this betrayal down the road is honest and deserves respect. They must be honest with you on this fact and not seek revenge against you by perpetrating the same act upon you. Be honest…telling them that you can’t forgive them and then make plans to end the relationship. This is the adult/mature way of handling this situation. It stops the “Fall out” and the ripple effect is diminished to almost nothing.

Of course, this is the best case scenario that you could hope for...most humans are reactionary and their moral and ethical measuring sticks seem to be lost when the MLC occurs. If you haven’t had these sorts of discussions...you should anticipate that this permission is there...you shouldn't be that surprised when it occurs. Your past affair will be used against you.

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