Uneven Ardor

What a relief to read the above, having left a marriage of over 30 years and lived independently, the last thing on my mind was another relationship, however when it happened, it was so refreshing for someone to find me attractive and say they loved me, frequently! I honestly thought I was in love and floated for the first couple of months. Now six months on I have ended the relationship, because I had tremendous feelings of guilt that I didnt feel the same, as much as I would liked to have done. Time and time again, I went against my gut instinct to end the relationship, but now that I have, I feel scared about the future but at peace; I can live with myself again.

Interesting topic about uneven ardor. You talk about it outside the realm of marriage. But what about inside? Once a couple is married (as I have been for 14 years) How is uneven ardor to be handled at that point? It was not too long ago that my wife said to me (as we were discussing the daugther and her boyfriend) that it is probably a good thing if the man is more in love with the woman than vice versa. And it was said in such a way as to communicate that that was the case with us. Her theory was that since men are more apt to 'stray', this would help keep the relationship strong. WOW! Now I have been known to stretch logic to supoport an argument in my day as well, but this takes the cake. I understand all of the theories about how relationships start hot & heavy then then cool off over time and what comes out of the oven is a good, solid, lovING relationship (which is supposedly so much more valuable than the ga-ga stage). In other words, 'love' is what remains after the infatuation period has ended. I'm sorry, I do not believe that. You are correct when you say a relationship with uneven ardor has no business being. But IMHO, the same applies to a marriage. Even if the 'infatuation' is mutually gone, but PARTICULARLY if it is gone from only one person, it is time to go. I just don't accept the theory that having loving feelings toward someone is SO MUCH BETTER than being ga-ga over them. I mean we are not buying cars here. Relationships and feelings toward people do not have to depreciate as soon as they are driven off of the lot. And the fact that this is how most relationships end up is not proof that that is how it is supposed to be. It is just people accepting what they see as the norm.

In my nearly twenty-year marriage, our ardor would wax and wane. One of us would be more connected then the other. When we were both in the same cycle it was fabulous. So if he were more "in love" at the moment than I was, I appreciated and welcomed it and it indeed increased my connection. And it seemed the same was true when I was the one more infatuated at the moment. I think the challenge is if one of you is more smitten more of the time. It can seem way too out of balance, and I think it's a yellow flag.

Dating Goddess Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 http://www.DatingGoddess.com