MLC seems like a bereavement..maybe worse

Dear Des: Oh my goodness! Oh my!! I've never heard of this MLC type of reaction at all! Never!! And, yes, you're very correct in saying in paragraph '3'.......bereavement is completely different/better ??? Hard to put it into the correct terminology. I lost be best friend-hubby 21 months ago, & it is truly the worst journey of my life. Its like each morning, it feels like there's been another jab in your heart, whats left of it that is. But, no, this MLC ??? I'm trying to imagine the difficulties it would hold, as its something I've never experienced, and 'thankyou Lord' it passed me by ! If you would like to know our story, I'd be more than pleased to share with you, as it is quite amazing, but clearly the work of our Saviour. God Bless & take care my friend. Remember, you're not alone & HE will never leave your nor forsake you !! /sjg

My apologies Des....... e-mail address is: sjgibbs@shaw.ca should you like to respond. Sincerely, Sheila Joyce Gibbs

Des24; I know exactly how you feel. It would have been easier to take if she had passed away or even if we had fought bitterly, it would have given me a reason for her absence. Something to focus on. I could have said, "Such is life." Made my peace and carried on. But to watch her slowly and meticulously dismantle our marriage, our lives and our dreams is the hardest thing to take. And then to be able to justify her actions as though the past was nothing. To take pleasure in causing the greatest amount of damage. Now she's off having weekend rendezvous with men that she has no intention of ever seeing again. There's a word for that. All just to feel "alive". As men who have to watch all of this, we are confused and hurt. We don't understand how someone could mentally try to erase everything and walk away. Why? There are so many WHY questions that I have that will never be answered. As it stands now, we have been divorced for some time and it's her life to live. But to see her act in this manner is painful. She is becoming the talk of the town - and not in a good way. She's a fixture at the clubs and bars. Standing on the sidelines watching all of this almost makes me sick to my stomach. What a waste! I hope that she doesn't get hurt - physically or mentally. But if she keeps going in this direction, I really fear the worst. Despite being divorced, in my heart, I don't want anything bad to happen to her.

Take care, Buddy

I know exactly how you feel. With a bereavement you still have all the good memories right up to the end and remember your spouse with only good thoughts. I remember telling my husband before he left that when he gave me the "I don't love you anymore" speech it was like he died to me that day. But unfortunately with all the events that happened in between his speech and leaving I have only painful thoughts of him right now.

I knew even through the pain that I was going through that I would come out of this experience far ahead of him in every way. And it is coming true - he has fallen so far down but the really sad thing is that he hasn't hit bottom yet.

It takes time but I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I've stayed true to myself and conducted myself with dignity and honour.

Hang in there Des24 - my thoughts are with you.

I'm still hanging on in a void at the moment, but the initial months seemed very much like a death in the family. Actually, there were times I wished that was the case, not that I wanted her dead but that it would be easier on my psyche to take and I could count on a lot of support from people who I can't rely on with MLC. You don't want to let too many people know your personal business, particularly if you're hoping it will pass, so it becomes more of an individual burden to bear. It does feel as if someone you've known and loved has moved on, only in this case it's moving on to another phase of their life rather than in death. I've heard the speech about how feelings just change and she doesn't know why. Thankfully, in my case she was clinging to some possible reasons that have been worked out, so that she admittedly can't blame it on me anymore. My life is now back more or less to how it was, but I know she still has inner demons to work out and it may come raging back. However, she's not one to soul-search, so I have no idea what might ever happen or if she'll accept the feelings as just something she went through. But I can tell you that there is hope. Some people do realize that what they're going through may not be about their marriage after all and it's not necessarily the confining institution they thought. They see that personal, inner change isn't always about changing all of one's circumstances, surroundings and relationships. However, even then there's still a matter of how much damage is done in the meantime. And you have to figure out how to move on without counting on the "old" her to return, because that waiting all too often only appears to fuel the MLC. You're the rock that they don't want to anchor themselves to any longer. I think they're sometimes waiting for you to change as well, if only to excuse their behavior and desire for change. Good luck, Des. As painful as these things are, you can only do so much and just have to accept the rest and take care of yourself.

Des - i know what you mean - i mentioned this very thing in one of my first posts a long time ago - i said i cant lower her into the ground becasue she is still there still alive yet totally shut down from me and atteh time i felt like you do now - yes it would have been easier to handle the bereavment as i said the casket would hve been lowered int othe ground and you cherish the times you had so i know how you feel - but that was then now is now and what i have in the little box in my head are teh times we had - her as i knew her - she changed into a different person like your wife has and unfortunately you cannot do a damn thing about it all you can do is and i reiterate look after your own well being - i actually felt and still feel sorry for my wife and what she has done i know in my heart she probably regrets the life changing decision but i also know i came out on top - i am happy with my life lot of people around me love me i still have all my friends which still include her friends and her family they think the world of me probably becasue of teh way i handled it all from teh beginning and not being vengeful or bitter - i'm a realist and i know sh*t happens in life its how you react - stay focused on you m8 - Stu UK

Hi Des and all Others

I know exactly what you are going through as I'm in the same situation myself. My husband (we are both 60) has just left me for another woman. It is his 3rd affair in 41 years of marriage, the first was in 1983 and other 2 in the 2006 and 2007. I found texts to the woman he is with now on his cellphone while we were on holiday in the UK last August.

I have been devastated ever since but am gradually dragging myself out of the pit that I've been living in for the last 5 months.

Des, a website which might help you is www.midlifeclub.com It has been a life saver for me, as have my son and daughter. They have been wonderful.

I am very interested in getting together with any other left-behind spouses in the Auckland area - it would be good to get a support group going.

If anyone is interested, email me on mrmnz2008@gmail.com

Des, it does get easier - I'm hoping that, if and when my husband finally wakes up and realises what he's done, I'll be long gone, enjoying my new life.

Hi everyone,

Clearly this is a shared emotion for those of us going through the mill.

The next two days encapsulate just how my life is going to change. Today is my eldest's (16) birthday. We gave him his presents this morning. He was happy. Mum and Dad are there for him in his family home. We both love him. He knows that. We want him to have a good day. I want to hug his mum like I always have, but she is rejecting me. She is civil but her decision I cannot change. Tomorrow she will take them from me and start her new life a few miles away. I will be alone. She will be without me. What a change in two days.

This feeling of bereavement lingers. What do I do with my memories? They hang in the air with no home, no place to keep them. I once used a simple analogy of our love being like a precious vase and she is going to smash it. Perhaps a better one is a valuable painting. If she had been taken from me I could hang it on the wall, admire it, show people it, love it, cherish it. Remember the memories and how it was painted. But no, it is like she has thrown red emulsion all over it. I can't hang it up, it is damaged. I can't fix it. But she can. She has the tools to restore it, to strip away the alarming mess she has made of it. Underneath, that picture remains and she can if she chooses bring it back to life. Will she? I can only hope.

To the person that wrote 'Right on Target'. There was some interesting stuff in there. You wrote "But I can tell you that there is hope. Some people do realize that what they're going through may not be about their marriage after all and it's not necessarily the confining institution they thought. They see that personal, inner change isn't always about changing all of one's circumstances, surroundings and relationships. However, even then there's still a matter of how much damage is done in the meantime. And you have to figure out how to move on without counting on the "old" her to return, because that waiting all too often only appears to fuel the MLC. You're the rock that they don't want to anchor themselves to any longer."

I can tell you I don't think the reasons she is giving me (however sketchy) are the only or even the real reasons. We have had so much stress in our lives recently and her disappointments I think have been diverted onto me. Its a bit like referred pain. You say it hurts me here, but the reason for the pain is somehere else and unless you fix that, it will not subside. She has told me that if I sit waiting for her to come back, that would be an awful pressure on her so you are right in your observation. Your post sounds encouraging though. It sounds like she has got through this to some extent? Has she? I cling to hope.

I still love my wife but the game is changing. What she wants she thinks I can no longer provide. What I no longer have I still need. The question is will she return and give it back with complete love or must I try and find a happy life elsewhere.

Des24

"I still love my wife but the game is changing. What she wants she thinks I can no longer provide. What I no longer have I still need. The question is will she return and give it back with complete love or must I try and find a happy life elsewhere"

Des i think its evident you truly love your wife but you need to understand the difference between a want and a need - yes you want your wife but you dont need her in order to survive do you see theres the difference - as the poster alludes, waiting, pining will fuel the mlc and she will keep running - the poster also alludes to them waiting for you to change to excuse their behaviour and desire to change and one day along the way she may well say you have changed to and you will ...for the better you will become a better person - if on this journey she has the strength to turn around you may well take her back but you may be in such a position as to not want to - if i am brutally honest i like you truly loved and adored my wife i'm sure it wasnt about our marriage it was about her and where she saw her purpose in life at 43 diagnosed on the menopausal change, kids grown up, not achieved a proper career because of motherhood etc etc etc but its too late i couldnt go back now ive come too far forward and i will find love again one day - stay focused

Hi,

You are probably right. I value your opinion. Obviously, I am raw just now. I can't see past this. I am about to let go of a 26 year love. I've spent more time with her in my life than without. Your comment is something I have heard from others. I will survive without her. Yes, I'm scared. Who wouldn't be? I have no idea what the future holds. It's hard to imagine living or loving with anyone else. She is so hard-wired in my affections. I see through the recent insults, the anger but I can't hide the fact that it has registered. I am emotionally hurt. Undoubtedly, this journey will change me. It has to. I feel like I'm being sent away to the other side of the world and I'm waiting to depart. But in time I guess I'll have learnt something, improved myself. Tomorrow she is leaving. Then I will have to focus on myself (and my kids too). Thank you.

Des24

I lost my now ex husband to his mlc 9 months ago.I feel for you dez somedays i dont think i will cope with the pain but i do.When i see him i get upset as i can see he is still in the full swing of his mlc. He seems happy he now has no commitments and loads of money to buy his toys as i call them.I like you had so much hope that he would return, i have come to realise that this could take years or may never happen and i will have to move on. You cant sit and put your life on hold this hand might have been delt to us for a reason.I work with the public and people have been so surportive there are alot of us that have been through this. People tend to tell you there stories when they know what you are going through. I have surprisingly heard from people who i thought were happily married but have either been left or divorced by their spouses and then got back togeather. Im sorry to say that they all seem to have taken 2 or 3years for that to have happend.There tip to me is dont change and always look like your coping. It can happen for some so dont give up hope i havent.But try and move on. On my good days i tell myself i might find something better. On bad days i get upset because i dont know if i could ever love someone else as much as i did and still do. People tell me i will be able to in time so im going to play the waiting game and see what life is going to deal me next. take care

Des, I wrote the "right on target" and, while part of my reason here is to say there is hope, stories here indicate that the odds are not good and of course every situation is different (although it does seem there are so many parallels).

In my case, my wife really hasn't sorted through everything, so I can't be sure what the future will bring. But the wrath of her MLC seems to have come down on the now former BFF who brought my wife's behavior to my attention and said I needed to do something. I don't know if that will spare me the brunt of it or not. The BFF had been trying to drag my wife into the BFF's new world of singlehood and appeared upset with how that was going, so she spoke up to me despite the fact I later learned she suggested my wife leave me. My wife's now attributing much of her uncertainty about us to the BFF's coaxing and seems happy now.

While I'm sure that's different than what others have experienced, I can tell you her fear of aging and desire to appear attractive to others are also major factors and are still very much in place, so I know it's not yet over.

The main thing I've realized is that I can't be happy myself if I spend too much effort trying to sort through her problems in an attempt to keep her around. To a certain extent, you've got to be yourself and let things play out. Worrying and doting definitely aren't going to provide any positive results. And a person who doesn't care for you is not someone you should want to be with, regardless of how it used to be and how blindsided you might have been by the MLC. But I know the desire to rekindle what you once had and really wish that can happen for you.

It's hard for me to comment on a 26 year marriage, because I was 11 when you got married, but my wife is also doing what yours is doing, so I have a sense.

There are things you cannot control. Someone else's understanding of their own emotional situation and the acts they engage in as a result are one of those things.

I've wasted a lot of time on different sorts of heartbreaks, including relationships and career shifts. This latest painful situation doesn't catch me with no experience. I am painfully aware that I can't waste any time if she is going to do what she is going to do.

I encourage you to take the same approach. It must be a crushing pain, but get up off your knees as fast as you can and rebuild your life anew. Don't give her the position of the woman who ruined the rest of your life.

I was going though so many things in my life I can't even begin to list them.

I talked to Hanna Craig and she really helped me though all my hard times. I wish I found her sooner.

Honestly...take a look and don't hesitate to contact her. She is a great listener.

http://www.changelifecoaching.com

Margo, Ohio

She changed my life.

I never thought I would need a life coach...but Hanna changed my life. I recommend her strongly...don't let your life get out of hand like I did. Wish I found her sooner. She talks to you on the phone.

http://www.changelifecoaching.com

I am going through same thing I feel the same if he was dead then there is closure at the moment I keep hoping and praying he will realise what he has done to his family and come home I look at every car going by, every phone call any letter or knock on the door. That cant be healthy I have a great son and I must pull my self together for him. I last contacted him last week by text about his sons depression and have had no contact which is iunforgiveable. and hurtful but if I keep getting intouch I know it will bring back the hurt time and time again. The thing is I am a very loving person and forgiving but soon I will go through that barrier and never want to go back. I hope you find happiness and if your wife does come back make sure it is on your terms andyou still truly want her with you.

I am in UK if you would like to chat my email is sian1961@ntlworld.com I can also bitch about the awful weather we have. I dont know where you are but I presume you are in US

dear des,My heart goes out to you.I had reserved a room at this wonderful place where we had been married 17 years ago.this was to be for our 17th wedding anniversary on december 21st.Two days before we were to go she came home and just out of the blue said to call and cancel the room and oh by the way i also want a divorce.I thought that we were just truly head over heals in love.I had great plans for the future.It was so incredible the way she just turned on me so suddenly.I honestly thought that all was well in our marriage but i keep trying to figure out how this could have happened.I knew something was terribly wrong though because she said this right in front of our 12 year old daughter just 6 days before christmas.I don't know much about mlc but one of the reasons she gave for divorce was that she didn't like our house.Our house is so beautiful We built it together in 2001 most people would die for it,this kinda tells me that something very strange is going on inside her.it's like she can't feel anything for me and how I might feel'It's the strangest thing i've ever seen.I'm just really lost with all this and the sad thing is that she doesn't even realise she's in it, she is in denial.I wish there was something I could do.I hope des that life gets better for you if you want to talk please right back thanks take care of your self, Jim

My husband on 13 years (together for 15) told me he loves me as a wife and a mother, but is not in love with me. This all happened a week before Christmas. He says I pulled it out of him because he did not return my hug and I questioned him. The last 6-8 months he has been very short with me- snipping at me for the stupidest reasons. When I would question him on why I annoy him so his response was that there was nothing wrong so I would dismiss it blaming it on the stress of his job. I am so hurt. I feel like all is lost. He is living in the house in a separate room. We have a 12 year old. Everyone I talk to including family states that do not know what he is thinking. I say a midlife and he says absolutely not. He states there is no one else. He is always home so I have to believe him- he has never given me an excuse not to. He states he has this feeling inside that he cannot explain and has felt it for the past 2-3 years and thought it would pass. I cry every single day. One minute I am fine the next I break down. I feel I am in a depression now. Somedays he acts like nothing is wrong and other days not a word is said. He is looking at homes to purchase-- to me he wants things to end permanently, but states when he moves out sometime in March that he wants a separation. Purchasing another home to me is just not the right thing to do. He says he has never heard of a separation to include not seeing other people. I am requesting this because I want him to use the time to really think hard about what he is doing and if he becomes involved with someone this will cloud his judgement not to mention he would also be committing adultry. What to do? I am an emotional rollercoaster that has no end. I still love the man with all my heart and do not know if I will ever love again. He says I will- I beg to differ.

Start looking for evidence of an affair. I guarantee you he is already sleeping with someone else or has met someone and plans to sleep with her.

Don't bother confronting him when you find the evidence because he will lie, lie and lie some more.

Protect yourself financially. See a lawyer.

I think the title of the original post is exactly right. It is a form of grieving, nostalgia, wanting your past back (in a highly idealized form). Many, myself included, hit their MLC and look around in bewilderment at who they have become and where they are in life. They look at their partner and wonder what they have done to themselves by marrying this person. Others begin to look like more appealing partners. They look back and see an illusion of a "better past" and think that it can be recreated somehow. This can be made even worse by communication issues in the relationship, weight gains, job and life stresses, medical problems, etc.

The person in MLC starts seeing these "new partners" like some of us did when we had high school crushes. Remember how perfect that guy or gal seemed? Guess what? They were no different then than your partner is now, but you couldn't see that through the mirage of what you wanted them to be to you. Guess what, though? Your new guy will pass gas. Your new gal will get her period or have PMS. Your new person is no more perfect than you or your current partner are today. Indeed, you may only exchange one set of issues for a different set. Maybe a much worse set like alcoholism, STDs, etc.

It's a short, but dangerous step from that idea to doing something destructive like cheating on their partner, divorce, etc. If the person can recognize the MLC for what it is, they can be more creative and less self-destructive in the changes they make to their lives. It still won't be fun or pleasant, but it will be a lot less painful for all concerned.

In my case, I was fortunate enough to "bounce off a wall" and "wake up" before doing anything too destructive and change course. I use the term "wake up" deliberately. You can almost think of the person in an MLC doing foolish and hurtful things (such as affairs and divorces) as a "sleepwalker." The question then becomes, "What will they find if/when they finally wake up from their MLC?" Will they awake in Hell? Heaven? Purgatory? Limbo?

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

Your circumstances are a virtual mirror image of mine. My husband used the exact same phrase to me, stayed for christmas beacuse of our children and left in January for what he said was a 3 month separation. He told me he had never been happy with me and never would be. That he deserved to be happy. He was not depressed, except by living with me. he was not having an mlc.I reeled with verbal blow after blow. In April I found out that he was seeing someone else and had been since virtually the day he left. 10 weeks after leaving they were living together. He had told me there was no-one else and i had believed him. I know her, she is my age but real barbie arm candy. Its now 8 months since he left. I was at the bottom for endless days, but thecloud is lifting. Every one said it would. I have cried so much, and thought so much and talked so much to friends, my priest, my family, his family, and read so many self-help books I could start my own library and out of this have learned some basic truths; My husband cannot communicate. He cannot deal with his own feelings. He cant even identify them. That is very sad for him not only those aropund him. He is without doubt in a midlife crisis. So is yours. It was nothing you did or have done, the crisis came from within him. You cannot do anything to help him as he has shut himself off from you. You will have to wait for him to come out of it, and that also is not within your control. You still have the capacity for love. He will carry the gremlin of guilt on his shoulder for ever. His new life will have to justify what he has done. You are stain free. In the meantime,you are worth more. you have the love and repect of your child, he has jeopardised that. He has thrown away so much; if he doesn't realise it that makes him a very sad person. If he does in time realise it that is also sad. This is the start of the rest of your life. I am with you Its hard work but you will come out of this stronger and happier. If he ever wants to come back it will be on your terms. Life can be good and better. Its his midlife crisis - make it your midlife gift to live the rest of your life on your terms. I truly hope thAT YOU ARE IN A BETTER PLACE THAN WHEN YOU LEFT THIS POST. God bless.

I can only agree with parts of that last post. Being the man and feeling the wrath of a MLC from my wife, i heard and felt much of what both of you are saying. The last poster is correct that the person going through it needs to come out of it, but so wrong that nothing can be done. No you cannot fix it, that is how most men try to handle it when their wives go through it. You can show love, you can change you, you can work on yourself. You can take him back to memories of why you 2 fell in love and why you were together. It is hard, it is painful. But ultimately what i get out of you, you love your husband. Dig deep insdie and figure out what is a "deal breaker" for you.

Stay with it, dont quit loving him, dont stop being there for him, trust me, i went through so much with my wife, but you know, we are now on the other side of it and it is more than i had hoped for. Resist contacting a lawyer until it is last resort. Trust your heart, listen to your intuition before acting. Just as he is putting your marriage at stake, you will be as well if you do certain things, things that are not from your heart ,but are from your ego to protect you. your husbands just as my wife and many others will not resolve these inner conflicts by leaving you, they will simply take it to another relationship. your husband sounds like he is in MLC but he can get back to midlife transition and remove the crisis. You are limited in what you can do other than work on yourself, be happy, workout, take up hobbies and have a life. But be compasionate, understanding, loving and remember he didnt ask for what he is going through, he doesnt completly understand it either.

There are many that will harbor bitterness and its understandable, but not always is it the best way to handle things. Every relationsip will have differences, take what you read from me or anyone else here that you relate to for your relationship and you. I know much of how you feel and it sux, but wow if you make it past this, the bond, the connection, the love will be far greater than you can imagine happening.

I wish you the best through this.

Be well,

Dave R

I, like so many of you, was so proud of my marriage to my beautiful wife who when I had brain cancer, did all the research on getting me the best care and because of that, probably certainly saved my life, or at least made it possible for me to be completely functional after brain surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. If there was one thing that gave me confidence in my life, it was her and knowing that she loved me no matter what happened, and I had that same love for her. She was what gave me my strength in life and our love for each other seemed as good as it could ever get for any two people. It was each of ours second marriage, and she had children and I had children from our first marriages, and we raised them together in what seemed to be impossible circumstances. All of this we went through just brought us closer and closer together every time we had to deal with a minor crisis. It was the worst day of my life when my wife suddenly announced to me that she wanted out of our marriage, it was shortly before our 12th wedding anniversary and we have been together about 17 years. But when she hit her mid life crisis she turned completely cold towards me and she said that she had fallen out of love with me and it had happened over several years for it to build up to this. I know that was not true but she believed it was. She later moved out of the house that she had created and quit caring about it and me in the way she used to. I know exactly what the guy says about a breavement being almost better because then you at least could have said she loved you. This is such a bad thing to go through with the uncertainty if she'll ever come back and the lonliness that I feel in this house that we made together LMW

It was shortly after my 25th wedding anniversary that I found out he was seeing another woman, much younger, blonder, thinner, you name it. Except that she also was married. He had been different the preceeding year, withdrawn, distant, but when asked, blamed it on work stresses. We entered marriage counseling, but his heart was never in it, and his relationship with the other woman continued for some time, at least, maybe still is continuing. She got divorced. He finally moved out 3 days after our 26th wedding anniversary. He says he is confused. He said that he needed time alone. I am heartbroken. I do not know how to explain it to my kids (teens and young adults) or friends. All of my memories of a happy family life are tarnished. I really identify with those who have said that it would have been easier if the spouse had died than if they went into MLC and left. At least there is a lot of community support and the situation can be explained in a single sentence. What is going on now is so bizarre, this man is nobody I have met before. I thought MLC was for narcissistic jerks, but my husband was sweet and caring right up until he started seeing the other woman. What kind of woman goes after a married man 20+ years older than her? My husband cannot identify his feelings, he cannot communicate them and he cannot deal with them. He is making a huge mistake and sometime he will realize this and regret it. But where does that leave me in the meantime? I am trying to take care of myself and my kids. My daughter is heartbroken, too, I can tell, although she hides it. He is taking away so much from the kids, and he just doesn't seem to care. Was there any way to have known about this, to predict it ahead of time? I wrack my brains trying to figure it out. I thought we were happy, if he wasn't, he never said a word. He now rewrites history, saying that we would have gotten a divorce even if he hadn't had the affair. No stinkin' way! An alien took over his brain, I think. Why would't he want to try to repair our relationship? What could be wrong in the 3rd decade of a marriage that wasn't apparent in the first two?

RubyPearl

I'm replying to the previous poster who asked what could be wrong in the third decade of marriage that wasn't wrong in the first two. I've never been hurt by the MLC of another but feel I'm going through one now, myself (though it's not something that will threaten my marriage...I know it's "within me" and that I need to work my issues out instead of blaming them on my husband).

What could be wrong that wasn't wrong before? I'm guessing that many men and women at mid-life feel they're missing something, that things could be a lot better, that they're very ordinary, etc....and they end up blaming their partner for these feelings they're really having about themselves. They're projecting self-hatred or disappointment onto their spouse and/or children. They're identifying their spouse with their own disappointments, failures, imperfections,fear of aging -- and coming to the erroneous conclusion that their marriage/aging spouse must be what is causing their distress, boredom, loneliness, etc. So they jettison the spouse/marriage. But, as they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." Unless that person changes within him or herself, he or she may be haunted, eventually, with these feelings no matter what relationship they wind up in.

In a different vein, there may also be people at midlife who feel they haven't grown as much as they'd like, and want to try to do that..or people who know they have grown and changed but perceive that their spouse hasn't grown with them. Perhaps these folks want a spouse who also wants and seeks personal growth, individually and in the marriage...Maybe they perceive their spouse as a hindrance to their personal growth and self-actualization. But if you believe that marriage is a permanent commitment -- and your spouse hasn't grown -- you must continue loving (with your actions) your spouse even if you perceive he or she is not the changing, dynamic person you wish they were. Maybe "self-actualization" at any cost is not really the point of living and loving.

How rich would we all be if we had a nickel for every time we heard or read, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you?" When will we realize that romantic love waxes and wanes, hits us hard and then recedes and disappears...and often reappears (when you stay the course)? This is completely normal, and not a sign that true love doesn't exist in a relationship. If you really think about it, that "in love" feeling is a "high" that's almost like taking a recreational drug that makes it seem everything is beautiful and exciting. Then, when you realize that your spouse -- and indeed no other person -- can make everything beautiful and exciting for you, you "fall out of love," get depressed and confused, etc.

I think we need to learn to love ourselves better...not to expect to be "filled up" by someone else, no matter what stage of our relationship we are in.

Also, I understand the expressions of many here that a death would have been easier than spousal abandonment because of a MLC. I had a wonderful husband who died of a brain tumor, and losing him is the most painful thing that's ever happened to me. But you're right that I have my happy and loving memories...I'm not looking back and wondering if our relationship never was what I thought it was. I know our love was real (though not easy and far from perfect), and I'll always have that.

The best to everyone here. Hang in there. You are not alone.

thank you for the above reply, it was just what I needed today.

RubyPearl