Reflections From A Rollercoaster

Three days only into this nutty experience, and the world for me has become a surreal and disorienting environment. For my part, I am able to eat some now, and sleeping pills have made it possible to sleep.

What's amazing to me is that my wife is so blithe about the entire situation. Within 24 hours of telling me that we may split mid-year, she asked me if I wanted to go to an acquaintance' birthday party at a sushi restaurant. Both Friday and Saturday evenings she went out carousing with friends. What this tells me is that either she really doesn't care, or that she is in denial as to the magnitude of what she has done. I've tried to figure out what part of the famous "grief cycle" I am in - I don't feel "angry", yet, I am not in "denial" either - but I wonder if she is even experiencing grief. I hope for her sake she knows what she's doing, because if she has thrown our lives into crisis like this without really thinking things through, and with a high degree of seriousness, then she is going to be in for an unpleasant emotional experience herself when reality sets in.

Whatever the case, "blithe about it" is a clear warning sign of ... something ... to be paid attention to.

There is an odd numbness that sets in with emotional exhaustion, and it brings with it an equally odd clarity. You sit strapped into a rollercoaster, being flung around by forces outside your control, but you can at least watch the ride with a calm detachment. What I can be certain of is that I need to try to get control of my place on the rollercoaster, to try to see where it is going, what my options and opportunities are, what my feelings are in this new world I've been flung into in 2009.