The Possible End of a First Marriage, and I Don't Believe in Second Marriages

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your current situation. LifeTwo is a good resource to get through the rocky times ahead. I have been divorced for quite some time and it takes a lot out of you. The basic message that you will read on LifeTwo is that you do eventually get past the emotions and you will begin to build a different, but ultimately better, life for yourself. Lessons learned and baby steps for now, my friend. If you have not already done so, check out Craig Tomshaw's blog - I think his latest entry is titled about finding his second life partner. Just try not to think in extremes right now. If you find yourself going down that path, get online to LifeTwo - it has a calming effect and may help you to get back in balance.

Take care,

Terese

Thanks for the words - its definitely been a rollercoaster 72 hours. As for Tomshaw's blog, I certainly read the entries. He seems to be trying to turn the bad into the good, for what its worth, by making a positive contribution out of a negative experience.

Dear Simply Human:

I can totally relate to your post. When my husband of 20 years announced that he thought "this marriage is done" two days after returning from a romantic, passionate week-long vacation in NYC, I was devastated. Like you, my body would convulse into involuntary spams and my incessant crying took it's toll. A few days after his announcement I found myself weeping so hard in the shower I became lightheaded and was concerned I would faint.

The pain of a "surprise" divorce announcement can seem unbearable. Now, 5 years later and having spent lots of time releasing my anger and hurt, it can still seep in when watching a movie portraying similar emotions or talking to a friend going through painful times.

I encourage you to do all you can to revive your relationship. However, it takes both parties being willing. If she wants only you to change, it is doomed. Best then to get out and move on.

At this point, I see my ex-husband's announcement as a blessing. He released me to explore singles life, and has allowed me to meet many fascinating men. I still search for my "one" but I have met many treasures that I wouldn't have met without being in the dating world.

Good luck!

Dating Goddess

Doesn't anybody stay to their commitments anymore? Good grief, that's why the vows say for better or worse. As Dr. Phil says, You make the right decision, then you gotta make the decision right! Get HIS BOOKS. Some may be in your library, or buy them. Get All of them. I think there are 3 good ones out right now. If you were in love you don't just fall out. Maybe you just lost your way, temporarily. It's there you can get it back. Don't throw it all away.

Thanks. Nobody ever pointed this out before. Funny how there's been a cure for this all along. All we have to do is what Dr. Phil says.

Its ok to cry. Men, women, we all have a right to our pain. Yet it is the "comfort of a warm blanket" syndrome that prevents us from getting "into action" to save our relationship. What I mean is not that you go giver her tons of attention, actually quite the opposite. In midlife, partners often project onto you their internal anxieties. And while you were part of a twosome which contributed to the emotional estrangement, I suggest you stop focusing on the "legal divorce" threat and focus more on the "emotional divorce" which has occurred, for whatever reason.

Whether its an MLC or not, do not stick to her. Giver her space. If she has another man, remember that he probably plays the cat/mouse game with her, which is what gets her interest. You may have some real issues in your relationship about how you treat her, yet often its also about how you treat yourself. Do not beg or plead, it works for a short while, yet pity is not why you want her to stay with you.

Go become the catch of the day, give her space, make her curious again. She might very well still love you, yet she has to want to make this work by seeing you in a new light. She may be bored, and as stated, looking for something new. If she is going through an MLC, you need to give her space, do not call or email or text more than you need to. When you change something you will get a reaction. It does not take two to change your relationship, it just takes one.

Get moving, improve yourself, and agree with ALL of her negative emotions. She will not leave a productive and happy man. They usually don't. And most of all, focus on your own inner happiness, kids, friends, work, hobbies. And let me tell you the most powerful instinct a woman has...jealousy of another woman. If she suspects you are now a catch about to be caught, it won't take much to get her talking about how she wants to make it work. When my wife asked me for a divorce, i told her i agreed, that its hopeless and that she should pack her bags. Then i walked out of the conversation. Within 30 minutes she said "I want to make it work between us". That was because i agreed with her, i did not dismiss her emotion, and thus i brought down the boxing gloves.

Take this for what its worth, you cannot beg her into making it work. Maybe for a few months, then she'll get the itch again. To make it last, you need to win. And if she says that she may be interested in someone else, do not act jealous for it attacks her pride and your own. Again she needs to feel proud to be with you, thats what romantic love is about and right now she does not value things like dependable, comfortable, caring, etc... her ego is talking and you need to address it.

Good luck.

simply.human, when a marriage is on the rocks what is often at the core of it is that you and your wife are not meeting each other's needs. When we live with someone a long time we get the expectation that not only will you know what your partner's needs are but that they will somehow know what yours are. Often nothing is further from the truth. As an experiment, write down what your needs are. These are needs as opposed to wants. We all need to feel loved, secure, hope and so on. If some of these needs are not being met, it's often because your partner's needs are not being met and we get into a Mexican stand off: My needs aren't being met, so I'm not going to meet yours.

Sit down with your partner and ask if she will participate in an exercise to help you identify each other needs. This is a great start. Now the interesting part is to be curious as to what each need looks like. For instance, what does it mean that you need to feel loved? A two day tantric sex marathon, or simply a hug and kiss each morning? What does security look like? Having a million dollars in the bank or to sit down with each other a couple times a week to have an intimate conversation?

This may be what you need to heal your relationship from the ground up. At the very least you get yourselves on the same page and share an intimate experience. I would be interested to hear back from anyone who tries this exercise. The feedback I've gotten from clients is that it is very supportive for relationships and has worked wonders. It builds a strong foundation from which the relationship can grow.

Good Luck!

/Bradley Foster http://giantstepscoaching.com

Hi simply.human,

Why not? Do you believe that you and/or your wife are infallible? Sounds like someone's dogma to me, not reality. As much as I hate to point it out, that kind of yes/no, on/off thinking is a cop out. Why?

Because as much as we'd like to believe otherwise, life is a palette of endless shades of gray. The true yes/no decisions are few and far between.

The only people I know that believe that to be true are those that have never had an MLC or never been divorced. Give yourself a break here. Work as hard as you can to save your marriage. If you can't (and there are limits to what you can do given there is another person involved - your wife), then give your self time to heal and then open up to the possibilities for the rest of your life. I see no compelling reasons why you should condemn yourself to a life of loneliness.

Bradley Foster has some good ideas - heed and follow. Best of luck.