MLC? Will I lose her for good? Is there any hope for the future?

Des 24 I got the words from my wife: "I need to find myself" "I love you but not in love with you now"

20 yr marriage, great career, 2 children, We both believe in God.

Yes from what i read and see it sounds like she is in some sort of MLC or state of change and depression which is MLC. I have been dealing with my wife for 2 years, she has moved in and out, had boy friends and dating service. The worst thing that really happen if that is not bad enough, is that i have fallen into a state of depression trying to save and rescue her.

Im trying to detach myself but yet still stay married and committed. Doing either one is hard for me to detach and move on is one thing but to detach and stay committed is crazy. But I can honestly say, trying to rescue her and fix her was more crazy, crushed and hurt my self esteem, pride and self respect and did nothing but make her walk further away from me.

I believe in good morals today and will stand as long as I can with working on myself and taking care of children and house, but detaching from fixing and rescuing her.

Your wife and mine both NEEDS HELP BUT PROBABLE WONT SEEK IT UNTIL SHE IS READY AND HIT ROCK BOTTOM. MOST IMPORTANT YOU NEED HELP, SUPPORT FROM DOC'S OR SUPPORT GROUPS, DON'T BE AFRAID TO GET HELP YOURSELF, IF YOU WALK THIS PATH ALONE, VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU WILL FALL INTO DARKNESS. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE I AM AND I AM TRYING TO GET OUT NOW.

Still committed, wearing rings, working on relationship with God and Ironically searching and finding myself more and trying to get healthy.

You can email me to chat if you want my email is dburton1221@hotmail.com

GOOD LUCK, GOD BLESS

ROMAN 21

I don't know what kind of advice to give you. But, from the perspective of someone who has been there. I am the "wife" you describe here in your situation. I thought I was happily married (16 years at the time now 20 years) with 2 wonderful children. Then something changed and I began to withdraw from my family emotionally. I did a complete 180. Started drinking, submersed myself in my work. Fought against everything my husband did to try and help me. The turning point came when he never gave up on me(when it felt everyone else had), never accused me (always looked to see the good in me), but was there for me, being patient thru it all. It took a lot of prayers but we are working thru it and he continues to be the rock that I need him to be. I just hope in turn I don't realize it too late and loose a great husband and father.

There's nothing you can say to make her come back. I'm no authority and if this doesn't ring true, put it in the circular file but...

I was locked into some incredibly self-centered, self-referential mode and I was transferring my dissatisfaction with myself onto my husband. But he and I had both agreed a long time ago that we are only responsible for our own feelings and that others can't make us feel anything. We choose how to respond and what we feel. Sounds cold, but in our case, it forced me to take responsibility for my unhappiness. He stayed out of it and forced me to fight within myself. I tried to get him angry at me, tried to get him to dump me, even, but I ended up being forced to decide my own fate in the matter.

I too was thinking of leaving in the future. In my case, I wanted to go back and live with my people back home instead of staying in this trapped, sterile life with him. Now I see that it doesn't have to be like that at all and that I'm the sterile one I need to worry about.

If you ask what you can say to make her stay, that does two things: It gives her the power over you, and makes you weaker than you should be. And it gives her a single word that can destroy you: "no."

What you should do is take out your documents and sit down and show her all assets and liabilities. Tell her this will all be half her responsibility. Figure out what her monthly income will be and then tell her that will determine what rent she can afford, because it's true. Ask her what kind of custody she'd like, because if she's leaving, you're keeping the house and the kids. It would be preposterous for you to have to leave your home under these circumstances. Find the names of some lawyers and show them to her.

This isn't being mean. It's actually very respectful and it gives her dignity.

Another question I have is whether it is worth talking about MLC to her at the present time. Will she just think I am patronising her? Suggesting she doesn't know her own feelings? The thing I cling to is that she freely admits she doesn't understand why she feels like this and she keeps asking herself why she can't be happy with what she has.

Is there a gentle way of talking about this. I even thought of showing her this site but things are so fragile at the moment I dont want to jeapodise the small chance she might stay and reconsider.

Any advice?

Des24

Does she tend to work through her problems or move on?

In my own case, not being able to accept what I have was really not being able to accept me. There was nothing nice anybody could say that fixed it.

If she took a road trip and got away from everything she had, maybe to see someplace she'd always wanted to see, it could give her perspective. Being completely alone with oneself and one's own broken down thoughts is something not usually done.

I'd say, give absolutely zero suggestions or advice or props. Once again, I don't know really but I was the only one with the key to myself.

I've found myself in this same situation with my 30 year old wife. I've heard the term MLC but never had the need to research or find out exactly what it is. I didn't think I would ever experience it.

My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We've been married 7 years (12/29) and together 12 years. We have a 4 and 1 year old. To make a long story short, I was told the "I love you but not in love with you" line about 4 months ago. I've seen the "normal" actions....out with single girls, steamy conversations with male co-workers, comments that she will never feel the same, wants separation, stays on MySpace, email and text messages. She works the midnight shift and will not change shifts. I have a strong feeling that the time and co-workers have a heavy negative influence.

Good weeks and bad weeks have gone to good days and bad days to now good hours and bad hours. I am fighting to keep my sanity for the kids and myself. She is so up and down. She wants to separate but not get her own place. I've given her the opportunity to separate but she will not commit. I pray that she is not "playing" me. We have agreed to not go out separately for New Year's Eve and our anniversary is coming up 12/29. She has scheduled herself to work the night of our anniversary. Should I say anything about the anniversary? Should I let her go out with co-workers and friends without trust? She has slowly made me loose trust in her by her actions. Should I ask her on dates or sick back and not interfere? Has anyone read any good books to help through these hard times?

Everything I’ve read and heard says to sit back and wait it out, but I don’t want to do anything that will push her further away.

Hi,

I am pretty desparate (see my posts) at the moment. The consensus does seem to be don't try too hard. There is very little you can do to penetrate their mental shell. I have tried hard. If you look at 20 years of happy fun marriage (for me) and the recent change in her, most people would see these as an short term problem. in the bigger picture, this should be the 'worse' in the 'for better or worse'. I mean look at the numbers, 10% of the marriage is not happy for her. So why oh why trash everything? I am going through this right now. Many people though (Lisa, Stu(UK) etc.) have been very kind in their responses. Just hang in there. That is what they say. I know it will be very tough.

For me I think I cannot stop her leaving now. She is not being rational. Whatever is burning in her mind needs to be aired. She has to explore this unhappiness she feels. Of course its hard for me. I haven't changed. I just want to carry on loving her and enjoying my family. But for her something has clicked, a switch. She cannot see the me she married, has lost her feelings. When you feel exactly the same as when you married it is really hard. You think that love is hard-wired. Mine is for her. I cannot imagine it changing. This is very hard to get our head round. For all of us. They won't seek help. They are sure they know their own mind and they have lost the value of all those years of love. To us it's crazy. I know whatever the next few months hold. I have to be seen to be strong. To hold back. To have minimal contact (difficult with having kids). To appear confident and able to move on. Perhaps and only then will those doubts surface in her mind. Has she done the right thing? What has she thrown away? I do think it will hit her like a train eventually. I may be wrong but I just don't think you can lose 20 years of emotion, care, support, love. It must resurface at some point.

Maybe when she is lonely. Maybe when she needs someone that understands how she has felt in the past. Maybe when she needs someone that knows her memories. Maybe when she needs help with family. These things run deeper than the superficial state she might be craving. She wants to be in love again. Maybe she wants lust rather than love? She says her feelings have changed but then adds how can she not love me after all this time? I have that at least to cling to.

This will be the toughest part of my life so far. I have already come through a great deal but this is so important. It defines my future. I feel for all of you that are going through this. Keep believing. Your faith in human nautre is being tested right now, but I believe love IS the most importnat thing in the universe and in time it will pull through.

This required faith and hope in great abundance.

Take Care.

Des 24

there are better things than having the hots for someone, and I hope everyone can realize that. When you have identified your true reason, purpose, whatever--the thing you were born to do, and you go and do it, that's better than a fling. I hope that emerges in her life. I'm trying to make it come out for me.

Blame it on those romantic comedies!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm

Tempting to forward it to a mad wife but it won't get us anywhere.

Try to have a Happy Christmas fellow victims and sufferers!

Love. Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love always protects, love always trusts. Love always hopes, love always perseveres.

But right now. Love hurts. My husband is going all the things your wives are doing. I don't think there is any real difference in what happens to our spouse, whether they are the wife or the husband. I've been trying to hold on for four years. Saturday is our 28th anniversary and this week I will be filing for a divorce. My husband has now refused to provide the funds from our estate to pay for our eldest daughters wedding and my youngest daughter's remaining 1 1/2 years of college. He is even refusing to go to the wedding. When those words came out of his mouth something happened. This is not the man I married anymore. He is not only willing to destroy our marriage but also the love his daughters have to give to him. I'm not sure I can even feel sorry for him. But I do really miss that wonderful man that I love with all my heart. I'm just so tired of being sad all the time. I think its time for me to give him what he wants. You know, he seems to always get what he wants. I will miss him. I hope that if he does come to his senses that it will not be too late. He family has so much love to give him if he would just let us back in.

Hi Everyone,

I thought you might like to share this article that I found in an UK newspaper site (the independent). For me in encapsulates what is happening to my wife. She is 42, has changed and says been unhappy for the last two. Doesn't want me completely. Lost intimacy. Loves me but not...etc.

It is very hard when you have suggestions that it could be biological. And yet she will never accept that. She has a barrier to getting help or even exploring her feelings. She just says 'Dont analyse it, it happens! People fall out of love. I do want my feelings back for you. But my feelings have changed'.

Here is a section from the article.

----

"Over the last few years the incidences of mid-life crisis in women have increased dramatically," she said. "There is transition and crisis. Transition is normal development when, more or less at the age of 40, women question whether they should be dividing their time better between their profession and family. Crisis is when people act impulsively. They leave their husbands, their careers or want a child. They have a desire to run away from what they have and a fear of their life ending without being fulfilled."

Jane Polden, a psychotherapist and author of Regeneration: Journey Through Mid-life Crisis, has far more female clients who are going through a mid-life crisis than male. "They have had a whole meaning to their life looking after their family or having the perfect career. If they have chosen one of the two they start to feel incomplete and that they have missed out," she said.

"All the hormones about mothering are starting to leave their body and their testosterone is starting to rise, which actually makes them more turned on to sex, but not necessarily with their husband, which can take a lot of women by surprise."

Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, said: "We are seeing more women in therapy whose issues are to do with middle life. Women in their early forties have reached a different stage in their life which is one of uncertainty. It calls into question their identity and activities which are less rewarding because the more you go on doing something the less rewarding it is."

----

So for me this resonates hugely. The reason why she was blissfully happy for 20 years and now doesn't even want to be close to me could, it seems, be part of a natural change in her hormones etc.

Yes, I know this doesn't change things. She is shutting out all reason and she would not accept this is what is happening. My logical side however says 'Hey, there may be hope that she could come out of this. Maybe even the menopause could make her change again.' I don't know but I hope she can come through this storm and see that I have the qualities that she wants in a man that she would like to grow old with.

There would appear to be a huge field here for tackling this. I come back to how this could be managed with a realisation of what can be lost. That is where I am right now. I feel like she's walking towards a cliff edge. I know its there but she can't see it. She keeps saying she doesn't want to know. But my love for her is so strong, I need her to know that danger is there. At what point to I give up and climb down the cliff? Just waiting to catch her if she does fall?

Let me know what you think about this article. It gave me some hope but then I still don't know if they can come back out of this state to find what they had. I hope.

Des 24

Pride, in most, will be the reason they would rather take that step over the edge instead of turning around and admitting they need help or made a mistake. It all boils down to the character of the women we married. Lisa, is a woman of strong character. She stayed with her marriage, even after feeling the impulses that our wives (and husbands) felt and delt with the life-changing event. In reflecting, you see other women with the same character assets as Lisa in the beginning of the posts in "My wife is having a MLC." They state how happy they are that they stuck by their men in the process. I also think it's important that we realize that we shouldn't take our spouses back at the first sight of trouble when they reach out to us. Nothing is gained unless they truly realize what they have left behind. Don't give them the quick exit from their fall. Sometimes it's good to show tough love.

-Jim

My wife recently hit me with the same type of thing and we both agreed to temp separate. I keep the kids and she can move into a apartment see the kids on weekends. She has a year to get it together or not then she can pay me child support.

I have asked my husband to leave temporarily and he doesn't want to. What he asks from me is to carry on doing all the things I do (which of course includes my full-time involvement with our kids and household obligation plus my job)while he sorts himself out. Basically, I feel that he wants everything to remain the same while he makes all he can to change himself. This feels so unfair... I am planning to leave him when my daughter is done with school at the beginning of the summer... Before that, any plan of leaving would probably create even more problems than the ones I'm currently facing...I'm scared, I still want to be with him, but on the other hand, it feels that the only way out of this mess is me disappearing from his life... Everytime I wish we returned to "normal", I don't really know what I'm hoping for... He says I did horrible things to him...he is so angry...He says he doesn't blame me for his situation but all he talks about when we're together is how I changed him, how I transformed him from being "real and true" into a "scared" and "must-do-the right thing" human being... I think he sees me as a monster... There are still moments I think all this is a bad dream... Will I ever be able to function again? Will I ever manage to get myself together?

You're on the right path with your faith. The bottom line is that you've done all you can do. The only person you can control in this situation is yourself. It is a terrible thing to stand back and watch the life we've built with our spouses just crumble before our very eyes. You reach and want toi grab onto something as it comes crashing down, but there is nothing within reach. The harder you reach the further they distance themselves. It's been over a year and I just came home from a church small group dinner party. Everyone knows my situation with my ex-wife and the divorce. Strangely, everyone in this small group has been previously married as well. It sounds bad that I am sitting here admiting that some Christians have been through divorce and remarried when it purely states in the Bible that "God hates divorce." I don't know the circumstances of those in the group, all I know is that they are very strong in their faith. Whether they were that way before, or like me, found their faith through extreme trials, I have no idea. All I know is, that while driving back to my apartment tonight I came very close to crying again - and even as I sit here and type this I get a lump in my throat. A bit lost, perhaps. Wondering why. Hoping. Missing. But in the end I know that there is a plan through all of this. That is where faith comes into play.

-Jim

Hi,

I have just learnt that my wife will be moving out in Jan 10 months of trying to save this and hang on to no avail. I have tried everything. But the harder I tried the more she resisted. She hasn't tried to get help and that disaapoints me. We argue, but only because she says her feelings have changed and I want to save this. I realise that she has to leave. We cannot have a complete relationship together and therefore I have to let her leave. This is the greatest test of my faith. Will she find someone else, will she be unfaithful? Will she make a mess of her life? Will she just find happiness without me? Will she see how life is without her husband and find that she did have all the love and support she ever needed within our marriage? I don't have a crystal ball. She neither. I don't know what has happened to her. I can't explain it other than some biological change, some chemical change. Why trash 20 years of happiness for a relaively short term unhappiness? She is saying such hurtful things, I cannot believe she is the sensitive woman I married. But I have hope. With that I can move forward slowly. It will be a lonely road at first. But for all of us going through this, use your family, use your friends, find inner strength and believe in the power of love, true love.

Des 24

A book by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family.

Read it.

-Jim

Hi,

I know my wife is leaving me now. There is nothing I can do to stop her and she is taking a tenancy on a property. I know I need to let her do this. It is the only way she will ever see what she had (20 years of very happy marriage and many children). This recent change in her is so strong that she craves a dazzling happiness that doesn't include me.

I am very troubled by the thought of her being unfaithfal. We will still be married. We have been faithful for our entire marriage. However, she says her feelings have changed (doesn't know why though) and can't be a complete wife to me right now. She has expressed thoughts of moving on and wanting to be head over heels in love again. My deep, constant and always visible love for her isn't enough it seems.

How on earth do I cope with thoughts of her infidelity. Her possible intimacy with a stranger? It makes me feel awful. We have been so close and in love for all of our married life. She is so different right now. I see our love like a precious vase. If she does this and smashes it, it can never be the same. I know I have been lucky to have a long, faithful relationship and maybe that's the problem. I haven't had to deal with such feelings before. In that respect I am very traditional in my thoughts of marriage and loyalty. I hope in my heart that she will see just what me and her family as a mum/dad unit mean to her when she is away. So in that respect, even if she does this to me and is unfaithful, I suppose I still wish she will come back to me and revert back to the same woman I married again. But if she does change back, then I would have to be able to forgive her.

I suppose if I thought of sex and love as different things, maybe I could handle it, but I just don't know if I can. Intimacy is so personal and it is a precious thing to have a faithful partner in life.

Is it possible to forgive? I really valued the fact we were a faithful (and virgin) couple. But I am faced with the possibility that she will throw all that away to see if the grass is greener with someone else.

Advice please.

Des24

This isn't really about what you're posting, Des, because I think this is heart-breaking and shouldn't be happening to you.

It's more about the question, "How did it get to be so that people will throw a life away to find excitement?" Does domestic life feel like it's killing us, now that we're not (up til now) threatened with serious problems like starvation? What part of us got neglected to make it so we feel like we're dying by degrees and we're so desperate to do anything to break free?

I have that feeling right now. I'm just not acting on it because I love my kids so much I will sacrifice that wish for excitement to take care of them. However I feel sad.

I reckon that humans probably just can't cope without a drama or crisis. Most of us are just never happy. Always anxious and restless. We invent problems for ourselves when life fails to throw us any. People come into money and get a whole load of other problems to go with it. Celebrities marry each other (both beautiful, rich and should understand each other) and make a mess of it. Give us a war or some other restricting influence on our lives and we are OK because we have something other than ourselves to blame for everything not being perfect. We knuckle down and "make the best of it" in adversity. We feel as if we are doing something. Give us what we want and we can't handle it for long.

Of course there is the ever-present grass is greener syndrome to contend with as well!

Des24:

I hate to tell you but...if you don't set the NO INFIDELITY dealbreaker and boundary right now before she moves out or you do...it is a sure bet that infidelity will be involved at some point, if it's not already involved AND the reason why she wants to move out.

Women in Mid-Life Crisis (MLC)who are searching for excitement and romance on many occasions are secretly on the hunt even before they move out or the husband moves out. Women are getting on the internet and meeting men on Facebook, in chatrooms, connecting with old boy friends at Classmates. There are even web sites created for Married Women who want to have secret affairs. Women in MLC will even sign up at dating sites, like Match.com, to see who is out there and if anyone would be interested in them. Women in MLC can start out this way by getting involved in an Emotional Affair (EA) with a man, either through the internet or by chance meetings with someone that you least expect; A co-worker, a committee member, your child's coach or teacher, a neighbor...even the mailman, UPS guy, plumber or the painter. They text. They talk on the phone...they might meet for coffee or just chat at length after your kid's game. It is filled with flirting and temptation. She becomes the woman she dreams of being or who she thinks she has lost AND she is telling these men or man that her marriage is on the rocks. Many times these relationships stay only emotional...they are still affairs...it isn't until they move out or you move out that they give themselves permission to allow these relationships to become physical affairs (PA). Moving out increases the chance of infidelity.

Des24, you need to find out or ensure that this is not going on now with your wife. Your gut instinct to worry about this right. Start looking for the signs before she even leaves. Check your computer history, look in her cell phone records for phone numbers and excessive text messages to a particular number. I know this may go against your present state of mind, but you are trying to save your marriage.

There are many moving parts to this whole thing called Women in MLC. Knowledge and understanding will put you in a better place. I could write on end about what is going on with your wife, but I have already done this at my forum called Women in MLC (http://www.womeninmlc.lefora.com). Both, women in MLC and men whose wives who are in MLC are there telling their stories, encouraging and guiding one another through this difficult time. Please join us there...you will gain strength, comfort and guidance by others and the many experts I have gathered to help men and women who are struggling with MLC.

Shepherdess

http://www.womeninmlc.lefora.com

Des - what is going to unfold will unfold - you have absolutely no control over it - you can set the infidelity boundary but i fear that will have no impact whatsoever - i remember when we separated we looked at a separation agreement and one note in there stated something like "under the separation agreement you are still legally married therefore must not enter into anther relationship as this is deemed as adultery" i pointed that out and she didnt agree with it. What i am imparting is that i feel she may already have feelings for someone else even if this person isnt fully aware yet - they have to leave the marriage and have their own space their own place in order to have an "affair" - i agree with shepherdess and that site gives another good insight into this - once they feel the excitement, the chase nothing can stop them, invariably the grass isnt greener on the other side after a couple years i think my wife in fact i know my wife has discovered that - thing is as forgiving as i was and am with her even though the trust, the vows, the marriage was detonated i forgave it made me heal quicker and better but she cant forgive herself for it - the guilt is too much, accepting the mistake so it is so hard for her to turn around whether the door is open or not. your wife is where mine was 2 years ago - i fear she will move out get a flat and ultimately meet and have a relationship with another man it is what the body is craving it is what her brain is telling her to do and no amount of bargaining, setting boundaries, pleading etc will stop her - she sees it as her destiny - as much as we love and forgive them sometimes we just have to accept that that is it teh end of something wonderful and the beginning of something we yet have to discover - as we have always said throughout you have to focus on you and not her, you have to keep moving forward, you never forget the good times, the good memories but that is what they are memories of what was. I have said before i do believe in fate and we just dont know what the future holds just be strong you will get through this

Regards Stu UK

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your comments. It is Christmas Eve. I am sat watching TV (Toy Story 2)with my family. The decorations are twinkling. It all looks idylic. But the cold truth is my wife is moving out in two weeks with my children. She wanted to do Christmas for the kids and that is what we are doing. But its surreal. I just want to hold her and make all this go away but I cant. I will try and think about myself. Right now I am in the eye of the storm. She said something telling today. She is apparantly being so horrible to me so that I don't get any false hope of a reconciliation. This upsets me greatly because she is saying the most hurtful things, focussing on tiny events in out marriage and completely missing the years and years of beautiful memories. Yes they are in the past and I am going to have to put them in a 'box' to move on. My problem is that I feel they are tarnished now and I cant imagine looking back but I know I must in time. I keep telling my wife not to jump too far ahead. After all she doesn't know why she feels like this so how come she is so confident she won't change again? But perhaps that is just me being hopeful, grasping the tiny glimmer that may still remain for the future. I am bracing myself for infidelity. She seems so determined that our marriage is over and only exists on paper. I wish she would entertain some hopeful thoughts for us, but it is clearly not on her radar. She needs to do this and noone, not even her children (which she will happily take away from me) will get in her way. She is like a train thundering down he track and I'm trying to stop her with words.

I am ten months into this journey and the worst is happening now, but your comments are valuable to me. I wish you all the very best for Christmas and the New Year. Take Care.

Des 24

Des ive seen it heard it got the t shirt - "i dont want to give you any false hope" i was still in turmoil after 10 months cos we got back together after about 5-6 months only for her to leave again - you've a long way to go but keep going you dont forget but listen.. you only lose what you cling to - you will live in hope..hope that she comes to her senses that she suddenly announces what am i doing? Some manage to stay on the track some fall off the track yours has fallen off the track and if you stay onside one day she might just get back on it - where you are then who knows fate works in mysterious ways - be the kind of man you always have been - dont go off the rails, be a good father, husband because during this time time she will have the odd lapse of rationality amid all the fog and she will see you are still the good man that lurks somewhere in the back of my mind - unfortunately she is vunerable and there will be vultures lurking - misery loves company remember and there will be some parasite probably divorced, dydfunctional who already has her in his sights thats the sad state of affairs - call it out of control because i believe they are - the seratonin is swirling around and sense and rationality go out of the marital window - sadly this is commonplace nowadays but again focus on being YOU - you dont need to be vindictive or retaliate your not the problem - stand back, take a step back - the show will unfold the book will be written - i just hope its a happy ending one day - take care

Stu UK

I am going through the exact same situation with my wide of 17 years. It is a little comforting to know that I am not the only one in the world going throught this.

I found Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" actually very helpful. In a nutshell it helped me realize all I can do is be the best me I can be. Hopefully this will be enough to inspire my wife.

I have been through 6 months of incredible turmoil. I though this was long but it sounds like it is not unusual - sadly.

Hopefully me and the other fellow like me can stay the course and be the best we can be.

my wife, 46, in menopause about a year i guess...came to me 3 days before 19th anniversary, with "i'm nothappy here, if i could, i'd leave right now"...i was floored. had no idea.."it's not you, i'm changing" she told me...i begged her not to do this...she wanted to leave me and our 17 yr old daughter...at first, she denied there was anybody else involved. i soon found out otherwise, she had been seeing this guy for a while on the side...and she wanted a divorce, and to move in with him. i couldn't stop her.once i found out another man was invovled, i gave up and we agreed on a settlement, etc...filed legal do-it-yourself papers, and she moved out. all in les than two months. my daughter and i are devastated. she just left town, cut all ties, and our frineds are all amazed she would do this, it's not really like her...she tries to see daughter, but the meetings aren't always very satisfying for her. the guy involved has never been married, but has had string of women. now he has mine, and she will be takinghalf of my house. i am heartsick. help.

What a day. I am stuck in a delicate negotiation with my wife. She is moving out in two weeks. I feel weak. She is empowered. A stranger within the shell of my lovely wife. She seems to be calling the shots. She hurts me with every line.

Any attempt to try and reason why she has come to this is shot down. Won't talk.

My difficulty is that I am walking a fine line. She is demanding help with the children. She is taking them. Of course I will provide maintenance. I will always do the best for the kids. But I am emotionally vulnerable. She asks for more to help her move out. What should I do? I harbour a thin hope that she will get through this change in her and one day return to accept my love for her. The same love that she admits she felt for me throughout our marriage. Any attempts to raise those memories are destroyed. 'That was a hundred years ago' she says. But keeping that hope means I am trying not to antagonise her. I could be stronger, cut my ties and be difficult. Would that kill any chance of a future reconciliation? Would she respect me more? Who knows? who can predict what they will think next? My inclination is to be myself and remain true and respectful. As others have suggested (Stu etc.) if people see I am a loving father and a good man, that may be the thing she wants to return to when she has explored her freedom?

It is so hard though. She knows she can exploit the emotional ground of the children. There I am weak. I would never have them think I neglected them. They have to know I will always be there for them and when I see them I will try and give them quality time. But I have to balance my support with a firmness to my wife that says 'I do not support you walking away from your marriage, not trying to work through this, not getting help and abandoning your affections and all this when you say you don't know why you feel like this.

I think I just have to get past the next few weeks till she is gone. Then she will be independent and can no longer blame me, reject me, hurt me or ignore me. I hope she can then start to sample life without the caring man who longs to share her life as I have always done. I hope the thundering train of what she has done will hit her then and lay her open to the truth of what she has thrown away.

I looked at her today, to catch a glimmer of my partner. She was not there. I couldn't see the beautiful glint in her eye, her vivacious smile, her loving touch, her compassionate embrace. She looked distant and as her words cut through me I saw no emotion.

She left me with a line that took my breath away. She said who knows why people fall out of love? There are men who beat their wives and abuse them and their wives say they love them, they don't know why. Well I don't love you as a husband. As a person yes but I just stopped being a wife. I don't know why. I just have.

Nice!

Sorry, that last post was from Des24.

cheers everyone.

Des24

Seen this so many times - check out from the marriage for this new exciting life with somebody new, the chase etc eventually it will go flat she is just another notch on this divvy's bedpost - you was never going to stop her...escapism there is no realisation as to the hurt and pain they leave behind, they become selfish, so self-indulgent given time she will realise its a mistake but the opportunity that is there she just cannot miss it, it will solve all the issues in her head or so she thinks - i know better the guy will get fed up once the honeymoon period is over and she will wonder what the f%"" she has done - just look out for yourself man and your daughter leave her to it there is no other way believe me.