On My Soapbox: Women in MidLife Crisis

Based on what I've observed and read, it's clear that the main difference between men and women isn't what they're going through, it's their reaction to it and the support they get. Few men are ever looked at positively should they flee their marriage in search of their youth again. However, it often seems to be looked at a sign of strength when women do the same thing. It's like, "look, my happiness isn't dependent on my husband/family and I can be my own person." While that does suggest a trait that is admirable, I don't understand how being yourself excludes the spouse or children, as so often is the case. Anyway, there really doesn't seem to be even very much information on the male midlife crisis and almost none when the subject turns to women - this in spite of the statistics showing how many divorces are now being initiated by women. In light of this, it may be even harder for women to deal with their emotions because there is almost nowhere to turn. Good luck in trying to call attention to this situation. I think the biggest problem is the lack of attention. People moan about divorce stats, but it doesn't seem like enough effort is given to figuring out why that is and what can be done. Maybe people aren't meant to be together for life, but we all suffer when it's deemed acceptable for relationships to be disposable.

Clearly, individual cases differ, but to say that on the whole men are admired for leaving for younger women is probably true for upper level executives and celebrities, but that's not the majority of people. And as for there not being any "trophy husbands," there's a reason the term "cougar" has come into vogue in recent years. They may not marry, but it's a trophy just the same. I'll give you that cases involving an alcoholic, abusive or depressed husband can certainly give cause to leave. But what I take from her column isn't those cases, but the growing trend of women who decide that any degree of disatisfaction or unhappiness rises to the level to seek divorce. Life is not going to unfold like a storybook and those who think otherwise have problems when reality comes crashing down. Often it seems that they are unhappy in a way they can't define, aren't sure why or what they want, and decide that any action, no matter the consequences, is better than the status quo. In this regard it really doesn't sound much different that the male midlife crisis.

There is something odd going on. Look at the posts on this site:

1717 = "My wife is having a midlife crisis" 253 = "Will my marriage survive my husband's mid-life crisis?"

Look at the statistics: 75% divorces initiated by women.

Are ALL those men so bad? Were they all really so mismatched? Who do those women end up with? Those awful men discarded by those other women presumably.

No, in the modest middle classes we do not celebrate men leaving their families at all. However, we all assume that the woman divorcing the man must have "good reason", has really thought it through and nobody thinks to make sure that she is really sure that she is doing the right thing. I used to think the same thing and used to believe that women having affairs was very rare. I always assumed that the man must have being playing around or had been abusive etc. That was before I became one of the hoardes of rejected husbands (no, I am not perfect but I am OK, trying my best, faithful, love my children and I am the one she promised God to stay with - within reason obviously) and started my research journey. Just look at the posts on this and many other sites where women say that their husbands are great, their lives are very comfortable but they are restless and JUST WANT OUT - NOW and just can not explain why they feel like that!

My wife (nearly ex now) used to listen to music with highly intelligent lyrics. Maybe she was just humouring me - but for 20 years? Now it is all Vonda Shepard and no doubt "I Will Survive" will be heard a few times in the house. Cliché.

The media needs to stop encouraging this behaviour (not working at marriage - or anything for that matter) or marriage will become too scary for men to consider. How can the empowerment of groups (gender, age or whatever) to indulge in immature and destructive behaviour of any get us anywhere?

If you don't mean it then change the vows to give us fair warning:

Till death do us part ... or until I get bored and restless.

They end up with themselves. And many of them are happy for the first time in their lives, after taking care of everyone else for years or decades.

"However, we all assume that the woman divorcing the man must have "good reason", has really thought it through and nobody thinks to make sure that she is really sure that she is doing the right thing."

This is not true. One of the things I was always grateful for (in an odd way given the overall wretchedness of the situation) was that no one could fault me for leaving my marriage for one of the "big A" reasons: Abuse, Addiction, Abandonment, Adultery. Because I WAS asked if I was doing the right thing, repeatedly, and I'd venture to say most women who leave are asked - and they ask themselves, too.

It's no coincidence that most of the people saying women aren't "thinking things through" are the men who have been left.

I'm fine with the idea of men being scared of marriage. More women should be scared of it. That there are now options for women other than getting, being, or staying married seems like a very good thing to me.

I have to agree.

I stand here today facing my wife taking everything away from me. My lover, my friend, my soulmate, my life, my children, my future, my reason for being.

Why? Because something changed. Something she doesn't understand. She has thought the same thoughts for 20 years and had the same values, goals etc. We both have. That is what we subscribed to when we married. Now it seems she is having this MLC. I have no say. This change is burning so strongly that she doesn't care about discarding me, destroying the children, all the relationships with my family (that were VERY strong). She is not the same woman I married right now.

Why do they lose their sense of values, responsibility? Why won't they even try to work through these thoughts? Don't we deserve that at least?

This issue is really serious. I can honestly say my wife and family are my reason for working, for striving, for dreaming for believing. Women have to understand the gravity of what they are doing when they do this. I am fully sympathetic to the fact they are feeling this. It is very real. I understand that. BUT I have given her my life. She says I have done nothing wrong, that she is horrible to me, that I don't deserve this. But still she is thundering on with plans to walk away from me and take all my children who love me and who are the world to me.

I strongly believe this phenomenon is just too common and too damaging to be neglected by society today. If this site gets it into the public arena and debated then great. But somehow we have to have an acceptance that people's lives are being wrecked. I truly believe my wife did mean those vows when we wed. She dismisses them now as 'just words' but her mindset has changed. I am struggling to cope with all this and feeling out to see if there is evidence she will come through it. However it seems I may just have to let her wreck everything to see what she had. I am not saying I am the best husband in the world but I do know we loved each other and I have never stopped loving her, paying her attention, making her laugh and working hard to give her a good life. This all seems so unfair. I have hope but I may have nothing else soon.

Des24

"They end up with themselves. And many of them are happy for the first time in their lives, after taking care of everyone else for years or decades."

"They end up with themselves" is a convoluted way of saying 'We're selfish', and "happy for the first time in their lives, after taking care of everyone else for years or decades" is convoluted way of saying 'We've always been selfish'.

If you are a selfless caring person who actually loves your family that you are taking care of then you actually derive joy from taking care of them. I look forward to being grey and old and still looking out for my children and their children. I would rather have them than a selfish jetset bachelor lifestyle that I could easily afford.

Of course there are genuine reasons why women should divorce, but it seems increasingly like women today are behaving more like animals on the discovery channel rather than 'mothers'. Caring for their young only as long as their maternal instinct allows. They then just dump them when they feel the need to procreate again.

Interesting and yet sad comments by so many. I am a woman and am deeply saddened by how women have become so cold and unnurturing towards those around them. Women may think that they have turned over a new leaf but the lack of nurturing in women is causing a tremendous ripple effect in society. Children are becoming colder and angrier and many men are lost. Friendships with other women are not as enriching as they once were.

Many women underestimate the damage that they are causing not only to themselves but to their loved ones and society as a whole. All this damage in the name of progression? Somewhere along the line we have really messed up - big time.

*Sorry about the repost - Just registered*

"They end up with themselves. And many of them are happy for the first time in their lives, after taking care of everyone else for years or decades."

"They end up with themselves" is a convoluted way of saying 'We're selfish', and "happy for the first time in their lives, after taking care of everyone else for years or decades" is convoluted way of saying 'We've always been selfish'.

If you are a selfless caring person who actually loves your family that you are taking care of then you actually derive joy from taking care of them. I look forward to being grey and old and still looking out for my children and their children. I would rather have them than a selfish jetset bachelor lifestyle that I could easily afford.

Of course there are genuine reasons why women should divorce, but it seems increasingly like women today are behaving more like animals on the discovery channel rather than 'mothers'. Caring for their young only as long as their maternal instinct allows. They then just dump them when they feel the need to procreate again