The Other Man (OM) and The Other Woman (OW) Explained

complete BS

If it is BS, then who ever posted this knows the truth...the real scoop on this topic and refuses to enlighten the rest of us...or...they are in complete denial about who they are and what they are doing...they ARE an OM or an OW.

Instead of flying in and dropping a BS bomb on my article...why not enlighten the rest of world as to why you think this perspective or information is wrong...OR...did I hit a spot that hurt? Did you see yourself in amongst the words and discriptions? Was it painful to see yourself being reflected back from your computer screen? Did the shoe fit and you didn't like that fact?

Go ahead and tell me that what I said was total BS...off-base...way out in left field...back it up with research, data and your own personal experience....talk to several of Left Behind Spouses and see what they say about this subject...convince me that I am wrong and while your at it sign in so your alias or name appears on the post! Otherwise, your comment is meaningless!

I think that sheperdess is right.

My wife is under the spell of an ignorant, illiterate git. She tells my children that they are trying to deny her lurrrrrrrrve when they protest.

I get to experience the spectacle of this creep, who is already divorced (maybe more than once), who did the deed with a fairly happily married woman (i.e. my wife) after chatting each other up over the internet, trying to get his feet under the table and play step-dad to my children. Wow, what a relationship. What an honourable pair. What a foundation for a lasting relationship.

But there is no way on this planet that anyone would be able to tell her that this will not last and that it would best not to introduce affair man to the children. What are 11 and 13 year-olds going to make of relationships after seeing their father suddenly sacked from his role and thrown out of the house, a new affair partner suddenly being introduced as "the one" and then that going horribly wrong?

Can't tell her - she is one of those people who NEVER do anything wrong! It is always somebody else's fault. "There must have been a reason that I...","I couldn't possibly"...blah, blah, blah.

Keep writing sheperdess. This site and your contributions helped me make some sense of this senseless situation a few months ago. It is all well and good us men moaning about what has happened to us but the female point of view is what really helps us.

Thank you AP-United Kingdom...for backing me up!

I have a whole forum full of men that would join you in your agreement, along with a whole membership of over 1000 women on a web magazine and my forum that would say "You betcha!" on the discription of the OW. They've seen these women...they are their ex-husband's second wives or girlfriends, some of them are their mothers, sisters or friends...some of them have been or are these women!

These men are talking to me every day at my forum about these knuckleheads that have no conscience about turning the head of a married woman, destroying their marriage and forever damaging their children.

I know what I wrote was not BS...I see and hear about this cr*p every day...it is what I research and write about the most...WHY? because people having affairs, especially women has increased dramatically in the past five to ten years. Oh, it may have happened before...but these things for women just weren't talked about or condoned.... it was ignored, looked over, swept under the rug...it was kept a secret...but today...it is being passed off as a right of passage in to mid-life..."the mid-life affair"...finding your "pilotlight lover". Pick up Gail Sheehy's book "Sex and The Seasoned Woman", "The Walk Out Woman" by Steve Stephens and Alice Grey or all the many books that are filling the book shelves at your local book store and you will read exactly the things that I wrote in this article, just that I have wrapped it in my perspective of using stories that we know and understand.

Thank you again, AP for writing a response. I'm so glad to hear that what I have written has helped you. I hope that you will take the time to come over to Women in MLC...there is even more information, encouragement and guidance... and many men and women who are struggling with their spouses who are in MLC and having affairs...or are in the MLC themselves. It is good to understand from whence they are coming.

Hi Shepherdess56

Just interested to know the percentage of successful relationships between a MLC man and his new soulmate OW that he has hooked up with. I'm trying to be the bigger person in the fiasco of my marriage break-up but I can't help but wish everything bad on my husband's new relationship with his three time married loser girlfriend.

To be honest, I do not have any hard core stats at this time (they are ever-changing and not for the better) on the success of the MLC Man or Woman and their OM/OW, BUT I can tell you that experts say that 95% of all relationships that start out as an affair will end within a six month to a year or as soon as the thrill of the sneaking around or secret is over. Experts will also tell you that the relationship is not based on "love" but on "lust", which is why the affair is doomed from the beginning....it is hormonal.

I don't think you have to worry much about your ex-husband's relationship with the OW...she will be carrying the same unresolved issues and baggage in to their relationship...wishing them bad is a waste of your time...the OW will take care of the ill-will all on her own. IMHO...their relationship is doomed...all the cards are stacked against them...successful marriages are NOT her strong suit! DO the math!

Stop worrying about them...work on your happiness...in the end this IS the best revenge...your happiness...your success! Take care of Y-O-U!

Shepherdess

Thank you for your reply.

I am working hard at rebuilding my life (this was a thirty marriage) and have had some success in a lot of areas. I just bought my own home, have made some wonderful friendships in the past year and taken up some very creative hobbies which allow me to express myself in ways I hadn't thought of before.

But despite all this I am still on the emotional rollercoaster. I can't wait for the day when I feel total indifference to my ex-husband and his new soul mate and whether their relationship lasts.

I just wanted to add to this post by saying that we all have those same feelings of wanting to see the 'other' relationship fall flat on it's face. Shepherdess is right, it will. It seems so easy for me to type that all you should focus on is your happiness and success from all of this, but it's the truth - your success through all of this will be vengence enough. A relationship built off of sneaking around and adultery is not a fulfilling relationship. Build yourself up, mentally and emotionally, in preparation for the wonderful times, and person, that are being predestined for your future. Do not be anxious for a 'filler' relationship either; rebounds never last. In time, things will work themselves out and you'll reflect,one day, on how you became stronger and happier. It's a promise.

-Jim

P.S. In one of my previous posts in a different thread I stated how the ex feels compelled to 'make' the new relationship work - at any cost. They are almost forced to, due to their decision. It's as if failure isn't an option anymore and they'll even stake their own happiness on it as to not appear as if they failed - again. They aren't as happy as they appear. The laughter they display is a cover-up for their continuing free-fall into dispair. Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief."

Thank you Jim for your kind words of encouragement.

How naiive I was when this started a year ago. I remember telling my sister that I was not going to give my ex-husband another year of my life by crying for the next year. Yet, here I am doing that very thing.

It's amazing the things you hear after the fact. I had coffee on the weekend with a casual friend. Apparently last year - two months before I found out about his affair - he was bragging to her that he was leaving me and a direct quote was "that he would not be sleeping alone for long". I told her I was not surprised to hear that because he had already told my dental hygienist the same thing and implied as much to my co-workers at our last social function.

My immediate thought was how much he must have hated me. Upon reflection I think it was probably more resentment because I was more "together" than he was. I believe he actually disliked himself and the only way to make himself feel better was to put me down and humiliate me.

A friend told me not to worry so much about the future because you can't predict what is going to happen. He asked me if I could have ever possibly predicted this last year in my life.

I spent Saturday evening in church praying for emotional healing. I have to believe God has set me on this path for a reason and He wouldn't give me any more than I can handle.

My wife became addiscted to the internet, right under my nose. She'd wake up 3,4 in the morning to do extra work becasue she couldn't sleep. I found the bills - but not before she had progressed to affair at work.

In the heat of our divorce she was moving her things out of th house I calmy looked at her and "It's not going to get better." It hasn't. She took a gamble.

You are right about not wishing ill will. This whole madness can make a person feel so low that you have to work very hard to get bcak up. But once you've invested so much into recovery, you can almost forget what it was like being bitter.