How Powerful Is Your Denial?

There's a qualitative difference between the male ego and the female ego. I've never heard of anyone demanding of any female that she prove that she's a 'real woman.' It's just assumed. It's taken for granted. A woman is born a woman. That's exactly the opposite condition from the one that all males are born into. Norman Mailer once wrote, "Nobody was born a man; you earned manhood provided you were good enough, bold enough." Dr. Jed Diamond writes that among one tribe of native North Americans (the Fox), "manhood was seen as being 'the Big Impossible,' an exclusive status that only the nimble few could achieve." What, I wonder, about all those who couldn't achieve it?

I have no idea what happened to the (perceived) failed men from the Fox tribe, but I do know what happens in our Western world. As reported by the Ministry of Social Development in New Zealand:

"Males have a much higher rate of death by suicide than females, with 20.3 deaths per 100,000 males in 2003–2005, compared with 6.5 deaths per 100,000 females. The male suicide rate increased sharply in the late-1980s, declined after 1996–1998, and in 2003–2005 was the same as the 1985–1987 rate of 20.3 deaths per 100,000 males. In comparison, the female rate has been relatively stable over the last 20 years. Because of the small numbers involved, it is more reliable to consider the trend over several years."

Men, in general, are caught in a deadly vicious circle. First, they experience from a very early age that their value as a person depends entirely on how 'manly' they can become. Being 'manly' is carefully defined for them. In order to be a 'real man', they must prove themselves to be:

* Aggressive * Dominant * Achievement-oriented * Competitive * Rigidly self-sufficient * Willing to take risks * Adventure-seeking * Emotionally restricted * Constituted to avoid all things, actions, and reactions that are potentially 'feminine'

However, unless they've won some major competition and have some sort of 'trophy' to prove it, the job is never really done. It's an ongoing contest. In fact, even the top men in their fields are pressured to outdo themselves. The stress of maintaining their manhood takes an enormous emotional and physical toll on most men. However, because they must be self-sufficient and emotionally restricted in order to maintain their manhood, they can never admit their emotional or physical pain, nor can they ask for help. In fact, the increasingly-severe pain only makes the stress of maintaining themselves in a state of denial and blame (it's not really happening, but if it were, it would be your fault) that much worse. So the contest becomes more and more difficult to 'win'.

Is it any wonder that, when career difficulties challenge men's self-reliance and their culturally- and self-imposed role as protector and provider (left over from hunter-gatherer times), the stress can become too much? When the core of your self-respect has so eroded that your very identity as a worthwhile human has been called into question, for many men, it's time to 'check out,' and they do. One of the reasons why the male suicide rate is so much greater than that of females is because men have been so well-trained as aggressors, and they have powerful and effective weapons at their disposal. After all, even in suicide, a man wants to preserve what's left of his male dignity.

Of course, this whole tremendous house of cards that causes men at midlife so much grief — particularly when it comes to their careers in a world that's changing at the speed of thought — rests on the ridiculous premise that a male's manliness is somehow not inherent. Sooner or later, this house of cards is destined to collapse. Whenever people try to define reality in terms of what 'should' or 'ought to' be, they distort or destroy what is. Instead of using the potentially deadly escape mechanisms of denial and blame to redefine the male experience in terms of an arbitrary archetype, the salvation of the 21st century male will be the redefinition of the role of the male in society based on the essential skills and strengths inherent in the male of our species; skills and strengths currently being devalued by an obsolete paradigm.

If you're a male, how are you using denial to keep your self-image unnecessarily tied to a competitive model of masculinity (especially in your career)? What damage is that connection doing to you emotionally, physically, and even spiritually? Now, here's the biggest question of all: do you possess the courage to redefine your masculinity in terms of your value as a loving, caring, giving individual, rather than as a mythical 'protector and provider' for your family? Just how powerful is your denial? Is it powerful enough to kill you?

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC Website: http://www.MidlifeMaster.com e-Zine: http://www.proactivation.org