Divorce Math: The answer always equals one

I have never been able to deal with numbers very well. I didn’t get the process or the language. I thought “Calculus” was some Greek God with the power to make men’s brains to explode. Balancing a checkbook is more difficult than balance a VW Beetle on my head. When my son asks for help with his algebra homework, I suddenly find something incredibly important that needs my attention in another room until he’s done.

Having said all that, though, I will admit that over these past couple of years, there is at least one type of arithmetic I have become very good at. Not multiplication or division. Not geometry. Not trigonometry. This is something much simpler. It’s Divorce Math, where no matter what the story problem, the answer always come out to one.

It goes like this. One person plus one spouse plus X number of children, multiplied with divorce, equals one person. Yourself. No matter how many different ways you run the numbers, at the end of the day, the end result of a divorce is one. It’s partially a literal thing – you end up spending more time by yourself than you had in years. However, it’s much more of an emotional deal – even when you’re with people, you feel like you’re on your own.

By that, I’m not talking about dating. Sure that’s a part of the loneliness that comes with this new version our old lives. It’s just a small piece, though. What I’m talking about is normal, everyday existence. Sunday afternoons when the few friends you kept through the divorce are busy and you have to entertain yourself. Wednesday nights when you just can’t stand to microwave another meal to eat while watching House. In other words, all those moments when any kind of human connection is necessary to yank you from a pit of despair and back into the land of the living.

Those with many more divorce years under their belt assure me that things will eventually add up. At some point, I might even factor in a Magic Number to increase the sum of my life. Certainly the situation isn’t as dire as it was in the initial stages of separation, when launching this second life was something was completely a solo act. Still, there are plenty of times when I find myself by myself more than I ever thought I’d be at this point in my life. Ironically, I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

I vowed early on to get out with people one evening every weekend when I wasn’t with my kids. It could be with friends. It could be with a date. It could just be on my own. No matter what, I had to break the habit of isolation that developed pretty naturally the instant I was living on my own. So, as a public service, here’s a list of some of the ways I’ve found to make sure one is not the loneliest number. With some being more effective than others.

• Buy A Watch – If you don’t have one, get one. Even if you get it from that guy on the street promising you a “real” Rolex for $5. It doesn’t matter. You just need something to look at while sitting alone waiting for a movie to start. Even if you’re not waiting for someone to join you, everyone will think you when you look all around and then roll yours yes. Which, strangely, can feel pretty comforting.

• Tip Heavily –A meal out is supposed to be a social thing, where the conversation is just as important to digest as the food. When you’re dining alone, that’s a little tough. So, pick a restaurant you like and tough it out that first time you eat solo. Tip an extreme amount, and word will travel. By the next time you go back, everybody on the wait staff will want to work you table. And, thus, you’ve got instant companionship for the entire meal.

• Become A Sports Fan – If you’re not already…Walking into a bar by yourself can be a tricky thing. That sense of all eyes staring down upon you can leave you feeling like you forgot to put your pants on before entering. But walk into a sports bar when Your Team is playing, with that team’s t-shirt or cap on, and the world becomes your friend. The critical combination of beer and ball means you’ll never feel alone. Unless, of course, the team loses. So pick any team you want, except maybe the Chicago Cubs.

• Talk to Telemarketers – Hey, if you’re having an exceptionally lonely day, at least somebody is calling you! Take advantage of the human contact. Just remember that you really don’t need life insurance, a new home loan or a time-share in La Jolla.

• Volunteer – During my married days, every evening or weekend that I wasn’t working was spent doing something family-related. Now, many evenings and all alternate weekends are full of spare time. I’d always wanted to find some charity I could volunteer for in order to do the right thing and give back to the universe. I found a couple of charities to work with not long after separating, and while I enjoyed that feeling of helping others, I equally enjoyed being out with strangers who were instant friends because we shared a common goal.

• Buy Your Own Clothes – This totally did the trick for me, although maybe it’s just a guy thing. During my marriage, I virtually never bought clothes for myself So, when I was on my own again, I had to learn how to create my own wardrobe. Which meant going to stores and talking to salespeople. The clothes you pick establish your style, which is very personal. So, bringing someone else into the discussion can be very therapeutic.

• Watch TV – But not at home by yourself all day Sunday without getting out of your pajamas. (That actually can be fun but trust me, it gets old very quickly. And it’s very hard to explain on Monday when co-workers ask what you did all weekend.) I’m talking about watching TV at an electronics store. They’ve got dozens of them on display and, even though they’re way too expensive, there’s always a salesperson there who will come over and start talking to you. Until they realize you can’t afford the TV, they’ll be your best pal. And by then, you’ve watched whatever game or show you wanted, on a fabulous screen, and can be on your way after sharing some quality human interaction.

• Cook – Right from the beginning of this second life, friends were telling me I needed to get out and take classes. Identify something I was interested in and take lessons on the topic, which meant I could be around people with whom I had something in common. I resisted the idea. Classes mean school. School means cliques. Cliques mean more people I want hang out with. Still, I finally decided to take a cooking class because even if the experience was horrible and I couldn’t wait to retreat to the solo safety of my apartment, at least I’d have a dinner to take with me. (I’m not sure what to make of the fact that in the end, the three courses I signed up for were all canceled so I ended up not mingling with new people or learning how to make spinach risotto.)

• Revive Your Imaginary Friend – He/She/It was always there for you when you were five years old and banished to your bedroom. So there’s no reason he/she/it won’t be there to offer companionship now. And who knows, he/she/it could be in the middle of a nasty divorce and needs a couch to sleep on.

Read all of the articles in this series.

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