Living Life on Life's Terms

On last night's internet radio program, I interviewed rock musician and author, Steve Mayfield, about his new album and book, Afterlife Crisis. One of the principle themes (that became a song on his album) was that, even when we've gotten through the midlife transition, we still can't find a "Resting Place" — somewhere or somehow to put down the stresses of life and catch our breaths.

In my opinion, that's probably the greatest disappointment of midlife and beyond: that the promised rest ('retirement') doesn't materialize anymore. Steve is from the Chicago area, and he shared with me that most of the people whom he knew were still working at the same corporations (some of them in the same jobs) that they'd had for thirty or more years. That has not been his experience (he was downsized twice), yet he was somewhat surprised to hear that almost no one whom I know from the midlife-and-beyond group has escaped a career change after age 50. Perhaps it's a bi-coastal phenomenon that's only now reaching Middle America. However, the point needs to be made that it is, in fact, reaching Middle America now.

At times, I've stated my firm belief that one of the great challenges of surviving the midlife transition derives from the sense of profound disappointment that comes when you realize that most of the assumptions that you had about 'success' in your early adult years were bogus. We joke about the portrait of life that we were fed from such 1950's and 1960's TV shows like "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best". It's a picture of life that even now we're digesting with 20/20 hindsight in such period dramas as TV's "Mad Men". We were somehow brought up to believe that, when we retired, life would, at least, be quieter. Also, it would be better if we worked hard and saved up wisely for our 'Golden Years.' Many people still go into middle age believing that, even though slowing down will be inevitable, at least we have some peace and quiet to look forward to.

For those with 1950's-style expectations (that includes just about all of us baby boomers), we're just know getting into the depths of our disappointment. As midlife expert George Beshara shared with me on the radio program about six weeks ago, 'retirement' has now become an obsolete concept. In its place, we now have 'serial careers'. This is happening for a number of reasons: 1) financially, the 'safety nets' have gone and there's no longer any such thing as a 'guaranteed income'; 2) the quality of life we enjoy has extended our years of vitality now well into our 80's (for those who don't succumb to disease); and 3) the pace of life does not let up just because you've reached a certain age.

The midlife transition takes you from a naive other-centeredness (where you do you best to live up to other people's expectations) to an enlightened self-motivation (where you begin finally to live by your own principles and values). At the same time, the transition doesn't relieve you of any of your obligations or release you from the stresses and demands of living life on life's terms. In fact, you can expect to keep growing, developing, learning, and fighting for your very existence right up until the end. Life has no mercy on those who've been hanging around a long time: in fact, the demands become greater as (one by one) the props get kicked out from under you. In the end, this process enables you to live life to the fullest but, in the meantime, you'll get no rest, no matter how 'well-deserved' it may be.

You can't change the way life unfolds; that's the same for everyone (only the details vary from person to person). What needs to change during the midlife transition is your attitude toward life. As the challenges become ever-greater, so do your opportunities to develop your sense of value, your courage, and your sense of self-esteem. The ever-widening challenges of life that you'll encounter on the other side of the midlife transition give you the chance to live life well and without regret. Why should you look on maturity as a time of decay? It's not. It's a time of extraordinary inner (spiritual) growth and development. It's the time when you've finally been given the perspective that you need to see the bigger picture — and your place within it.

There's no need for you to fear the challenges of maturity. Facing them head-on gets you over that soon enough. Your real fear should be that you get to the end of the road and look back only to see that you never got to fulfill your real purpose. 'The Terror' as Kuntz laments in Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (filmed as Apocalypse Now) lies not in regretting at the end of your life what you did, but what you didn't do. Maturity, as they say, is not for the faint-hearted. It takes tremendous courage to face the challenges of the second half of life. The rules don't change just because you've reached a certain milestone of age or achievement. Life on life's terms awaits you, regardless of your age. Forewarned is forearmed. If you can tailor your expectations to what awaits you, your chances of embracing it with joy and vitality and living it to the full without regret are tremendously enhanced. Indeed, despite the challenges, the best is always yet to come.