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Anger - the Hidden 'Gotcha' of Midlife
For the uninitiated, the midlife crisis seems inexplicable. Why would someone who should be really happy behave so erratically? There's the key, though: they should be really happy . . . but they're not! Even those closest to the midlife sufferer are apt to be shocked and confused because there's no discernible reason they can find to explain their friend or loved one's erratic behavior. In addition, when they sit down to talk with the poor unfortunate, they don't ever seem to get a straight answer. What they may not realize is that even the person him- or herself isn't able to sort out what's going on.
One of the core features of the midlife crisis consists of the inability to connect feelings with facts. And, the feelings that accompany the midlife transition can be very intense (as well as very negative). Getting up first thing in the morning and, before you know it, feeling like doo-doo inside only aggravates the situation. Sadly, the negative, free-floating emotions soon generate a low-grade, equally free-floating anger. Generally, when you experience such unattached emotions, your reaction tends to send you into self-doubt; self-doubt sends you into denial; denial spawns displaced anger (a bad day at work translates into anger at your spouse).
The midlife transition strikes at the core of your self-esteem. It casts all of your basic assumptions into question. It undermines whatever platform of stability that you've constructed for yourself. It dissociates your choices and decisions from expected rewards or punishments, pleasure or pain. You suddenly discover that, on one hand, no good deed goes unpunished, and, on the other hand, breaking the rules often has no consequences or even brings about some good results. At the same time, you come to the realization that all your planning and hard work has brought you to this point in your life, but, either you're not quite sure where 'this point' really is in the big scheme of things, or where you are isn't what you thought it'd be. Either way, you're confused, disappointed and, above all, angry.
Nobody has ever told you that arriving at this juncture was a normal part of your evolution as a mature person. It feels as though the situation is out of control, you've no one to blame but yourself, and you have no idea how you got into this mess, let alone how to get out of it. Sure, you can find any number of people to blame (and you will), but all of your complaining and finger-pointing sounds strangely hollow and unconvincing. Deep down, you're starting to feel that you know who's responsible for this mess you're in and you're it! That's not something our psyche (particularly as males) wants to deal with. So we're left with free-floating anxiety generating free-floating anger that's tending to explode randomly in all directions but achieving nothing (except making you feel even worse). On top of this all, you feel like you're the only person in the world having to deal with this. It's like puberty all over again, only worse, because you haven't any explosive hormones to blame it on and nobody to offer excuses for you.
Depression, they say, is anger turned inward. No wonder you're feeling depressed! At the same time, unrelieved anger is an emotion-blocker. As long as you're stuck in the mire of free-floating anger, other emotions like true joy or sorrow simply can't express themselves. Anger turns you into an emotional Johnny One-Note. You find yourself stuck like a prehistoric animal in the La Brea Tar Pits. That's what a midlife crisis feels like. Yet, escape is surprisingly easy: once you're aware of what's really going on, and once you've come to accept that this experience is not only normal but a positive sign of growth, you can let the anger go. And, once the anger's gone, you're free: the crisis is over. Does it sound easy? In theory it is; in practice it takes some real work for you to get to true Midlife Mastery.
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Topic: Living Life to the Fullest
Tags: depression | happiness | health | Life Plan | men | mid-life crisis | middle age | midlife crisis - man / male | positive psychology | self-help
Type: Opinion
Tags: depression | happiness | health | Life Plan | men | mid-life crisis | middle age | midlife crisis - man / male | positive psychology | self-help
Type: Opinion
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Excellent Article
This is an excellent, well written article...a must read for all mid-lifers and their partners. Anger is at the bottom of much that is throwing a mid-lifer off track. You have hit the the nail on the head! Thank you.
wife seems to be in mid life crisis
My wife seems to be in a mid life crisis. I do not know what to do. She does not want anything to do with me. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. She is always angry with me. Everything I say or do upsets her. If I try to be nice or suggest anything to help she goes berserk. She can not stand for me to touch her or be nice to her. She says she wants to live on her own and is going to move out.
It seems like her emotions are always changing, but always negative. She seems to get along fine with everyone except me.
I love her very much and do not know what to do. she will not go see a doctor or go to counseling. She says she is ok and everything is my fault and the salution is to get rid of me.
Mid life crisis
I don't know if I can be of any help, but my sister is going thru the same emotions and wants to get a divorce after 24 years of marriage. She is married to a very nice, funny man and her family does not understand why she needs this big change. She wants to date and relive her late teen/early 20's. She wants excitement and finds marriage boring. I want to tell her she's crazy but I'm her sister.
My only advice is that you can not make her happy, no matter what you do. You deserve to find a new life with someone else.
wife seems to be in mid life crisis
I just wanted to tell you to hang in there, you are not alone. My husband HAS moved out and all the things your wife is doing are the EXACT same things my husband is doing. I have come to the conclusion that since he asked for space, it is in both of our best interest to just give that to him. As hard as that is I have to do it. We are however lucky enough to be in counseling and have just recently started. We have gone 3 times and it does seem to be helpful. Hoping for the best though. Although I am giving him his space I will make sure to be there if ever he needs to talk to me. I just won't push the issue. Don't get me wrong though, my days and nights are spent crying and sleeping, but I will be okay (I can say that today) and I will not cry to him anymore. Just let him know that I'm there. That's all we can do. I'll keep you both in my prayers and I hope this helps...A.
Her MLC is about to end our marriage
My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7. Here is what has happened since last December in chronological order:
-she has gone from a size 12 to a 6. A dieting and exercise obssesion kicked in..and I supported her new found self-confidence/appearence.
-she then bought a BUNCH of new clothes from March through July. She spent $1500 on new clothes from Ann Taylor, another $685 from The Limited, and $300 from Victoria's Secret- ALL IN ONE MONTH and without me knowing! And we aren't rich!
-she spent $1500 on laser hair removal from her armpits and bikini area...and told me AFTER the fact about how much it cost
-numerous nail and hair days- almost every other week
-buying jewelry every other week
-she opened her own individual bank account
- a trip with a girlfriend to Vegas where she blew $3000
-it seemed like she was looking for reasons to go on 'business trips' every other week...several to Vegas
-she started spending a lot of evenings after work 'having sushi with the girls or having some drinks'...and several 'of the girls' are recently divorced
- sex was still there, but not as often with her work travels and mine
--all the while I was supportive of her new found confidence, and had no idea of the spending she was doing.
-On August 24th she told me she wanted a divorce completely out of the blue...and turned 40 two weeks later...AND THEN took another trip to Vegas with one of her girlfriends right in the middle of a divorce!
She is spending, spending, spending, and can't even afford to pay her credit card bills...so much that she borrowed $2000 from family in two weeks.
Right now we are in a nasty divorce, I am living with my sister and her husband, and I am in a WAR I don't want to be in..WHERE DID MY WIFE GO?! WHO IS THIS PERSON?! AND WILL SHE REALIZE WHAT SHE IS THROWING AWAY?!
wife spending and traveling
I am in something similar with my husband and I actually just got done posting about it. I know this is not much but we just have to give them space and wait. It hurts me to say this because I just want my life back so badly. Get counseling and pray. I have 3 girls and cannot stop crying and being miserable. But at the end of the day I can only give him the space he asked for a wait and pray that he comes back home to us. I'll be thinking of you and I wish you the best....sorry to hear of your situation. "R"
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