If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

I totally agree that they become habitual, no matter how much out of the way other partner goes for him or her they are not contended and will go on cheating and they find it thrilling but when they suffer rejection and a blow they come back crying to the man/ woman they trust promising never to do it again. After sometimes when life is back on track they forget their promise and are back on the course of cheating. This is my personal experience in a marriage of 19 years this has been the behavior pattern of my hubby. He says I am a wonderful wife in bed, I am a good cook and house keeper, a good mother and still just for the sake of thrill he do not refrain from cheating me all the time.

"Almost everyone comes in with baggage"...

Never has there been a truer statement said than this one....we ALL come in to our marriages with baggage and then we add to that baggage as time goes on, stuffing and cramming all the unresolved issues. anger and resentment deep down inside, until one day the bag finally busts or is overflowing on to everything that we touch or are involved in.

You must be complimented for staying the course with your therapist...I am sure you are a better man for it AND if you choose to enter in to another relationshship...your partner will also be glad that you unpacked all your unresolved issues and dealt with them. Your children, if you have them, will be grateful also. We tend to add to our children's baggage also, when we don't deal with this bagage also.

It is very sad that your ex-wife has not seen the same wisdom of this and has chosen to stay burdened by her lot in life by adding even more to the weight of the baggage that she carries. But this is not your burden to carry any longer...whatever you do, don't pack this back up and put it back in to your baggage. Eventually, she will see what you have done and maybe even deal with her own...but then maybe she won't. Your only job at this point is not to let her self-destructive ways get in the way of your progress in living a mature and fulfilling life and keeping these same things from effecting your children.

Do not look at this marriage as a waste of years...it brought you to the point of self discovery, it grew you in to the man that you are today...it taught you much...it is time to take this growth, maturity and strength on the road to success and happiness. You can only control and grow yourself...celebrate the person you become!

If infidelity were the wife's fault, all men married to ordinary human women would cheat.

In my personal life, those I know to have cheated were attracted to the OW because she flattered him or she was more fun. That means the GUY had an empty space in his life.

My other question is why are womens magazines filled with how to keep your husband from cheating, how to perk up your sex life, what you can do to save your marriage. Do men's magazines talk about making your wife feel sexy after 10 yrs of marriage, how to keep the fires burning etc. If there is and you are a guy please tell me so I can pick one up.

Frankly, I am sick of it always being up to the woman to keep the man happy.

If you cheat, yes there are generally problems in the marriage. But, if you cheat and lie about it that is a problem. Especially if you keep doing it. You have a problem, not the faithful spouse. So to blame the faithful and say it is their fault is ridiculous.

I am a cheating man. Let me enlighten you as to why I'm a cheater. I have never been abused, my folks are very happily married 47 years, I'm married 16 years with 2 teenage kids and great relationships with them all. I cheat for 2 reasons: 1. I see my years slipping by and I know my looks are going to change dramatically over the next 10-20 years. Currently I'm a premium hunk, tall, built, very handsome (top 5% easily, and that's a realistic number), and very fit. Beautiful women do a double-take every time I walk by... That is real power and something money just can't buy. It is also something I can’t ignore as it will fade as I grow older. I can attract almost any woman I like and it is fun knowing that. 2. My wife stopped caring as much about her appearance and her performance in bed. She has no creativity, low energy, less enthusiasm, and diminished interest as early menopause sets in... That is a daunting reality for many men who are not ready to throw in the towel on great sex. My wife and I still have great sex but I now feel like I am bothering her too often, which is a major turn off. If she does not want it, I'll get it elsewhere. If it makes women feel better to blame the cheater to deal with the fact their husband went elsewhere - go for it. I'm sure it seems like a great way to lay the blame. But it has no basis in reality. Women: Take care of yourselves at all costs, stop eating too much, turn off the TV, exercise a little every day, take care of your husband in bed, try new things to get him off, and he will never cheat! Trust me... A hot, sexy, adventurous wife at home is worth 10 mistresses!!! Now go hit the gym, buy a thong, lookup crazy sex positions online, and get your man back!

"The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage."

I've never watched the Oprah episode you've mentioned. In fact, I never watch Oprah period, and since I am not a woman I cant say if your statement applies to women, but your assessment as to why men cheat is absolutely ludicrous. It boggles my mind to think that women digest this rubbish as advice.

You cannot understand a guys mindset unless you think like a guy. I've been married for 20 years and have coped comfortably (or so I thought) with a dwindling sex life even though my sex drive has always been much higher than my wifes. I've always felt that all other factors in my marriage have been perfect and to ruin my marriage for the sake of sex just wasn't worth it.

However, after hitting 40 the need to have sex with a beautiful sexy woman became overwhelming and I realised that for all these years I had actually been exercising extreme self control. I felt that if I actually left it too long, then I'd be too old and unattractive. I wanted someone who actually 'wanted' to have sex with me. Not someone who had to be convinced or did it just to make up the averages. Whats the point of making your wife have sex with you out of guilt?

I'm amazed that women cant grasp the importance of sex to a man. When looking for a partner, women will use a mans sex drive to attract him be it with perfume, cleavage, legs, make-up or flirtatious behaviour, but once married expect a man to behave as if he's been castrated.

Ladies, accept Shepherdesses advice at your peril.

This column was not Shepherdess's advice. She was saying it's wrong to think that way. Too often we react before reading fully.

I stayed faithful through health, illness, child birth, weight gain and loss... after a decade of NO SEX, (in an 18 year marriage), and suggesting counseling but being shot down, and having a spouse berate me for masturbation, I decided I needed to be loved again.

I found a married lover in a similar life, and we both find solice in each other's arms. Sometimes "cheating" is all about sex. Pure, Hot, Sweaty sex. I do not wish my spouse any ill, nor do I want a divorce, but I will me damned if I want to lose out on an activity I enjoy. My spouse gets angry and cries everytime I suggest I want intimacy, and when I am caught masturbating, my spouse really goes off.

For some of us with a libido, and a sexual drive that cannot be fulfilled, "cheating" is not cheating, we are only filling our sexual needs.

I thought I read the column correctly and I in fact quoted her paragraph word for word.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear so I'll draw a picture to make it simpler.

Take a piece of paper and write a heading that says "REASONS WHY MEN AND WOMEN CHEAT", and draw two circles that cross each other by 20%. Colour 80% of one circle blue for men and write "SEX" in it. Colour 80% of the other circle pink for ladies and write "UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD ISSUES", and colour the interlocking 20% purple. Therefore 20% of men subscribe to Shepherdesses theory and 20% of women subscribe to an unsatisfactory sex life, or a combination of the two. There you have it.

Is it so difficult for women to accept that there are fundamental differences between men and women?

And as for your quote;

"If infidelity were the wife's fault, all men married to ordinary human women would cheat". The fact that we do not all run off to the nearest prostitute whenever our wives say that they 'arent in the mood' are 'too tired' or 'have a headache' says alot more for mans desire to be faithful than many women would believe.

Our mid-life crisis generally comes when a fuse that has been burning for years over a sexless marriage finally goes 'pop'.

*Sorry about the repost - Just registered*

"The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage."

I've never watched the Oprah episode you've mentioned. In fact, I never watch Oprah period, and since I am not a woman I cant say if your statement applies to women, but your assessment as to why men cheat is absolutely ludicrous. It boggles my mind to think that women digest this rubbish as advice.

You cannot understand a guys mindset unless you think like a guy. I've been married for 20 years and have coped comfortably (or so I thought) with a dwindling sex life even though my sex drive has always been much higher than my wifes. I've always felt that all other factors in my marriage have been perfect and to ruin my marriage for the sake of sex just wasn't worth it.

However, after hitting 40 the need to have sex with a beautiful sexy woman became overwhelming and I realised that for all these years I had actually been exercising extreme self control. I felt that if I actually left it too long, then I'd be too old and unattractive. I wanted someone who actually 'wanted' to have sex with me. Not someone who had to be convinced or did it just to make up the averages. Whats the point of making your wife have sex with you out of guilt?

I'm amazed that women cant grasp the importance of sex to a man. When looking for a partner, women will use a mans sex drive to attract him be it with perfume, cleavage, legs, make-up or flirtatious behaviour, but once married expect a man to behave as if he's been castrated.

Ladies, accept Shepherdesses advice at your peril.

*Sorry about the repost - Just registered*

I thought I read the column correctly and I in fact quoted her paragraph word for word.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear so I'll draw a picture to make it simpler.

Take a piece of paper and write a heading that says "REASONS WHY MEN AND WOMEN CHEAT", and draw two circles that cross each other by 20%. Colour 80% of one circle blue for men and write "SEX" in it. Colour 80% of the other circle pink for ladies and write "UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD ISSUES", and colour the interlocking 20% purple. Therefore 20% of men subscribe to Shepherdesses theory and 20% of women subscribe to an unsatisfactory sex life, or a combination of the two. There you have it.

Is it so difficult for women to accept that there are fundamental differences between men and women?

And as for your quote;

"If infidelity were the wife's fault, all men married to ordinary human women would cheat". The fact that we do not all run off to the nearest prostitute whenever our wives say that they 'arent in the mood' are 'too tired' or 'have a headache' says alot more for mans desire to be faithful than many women would believe.

Our mid-life crisis generally comes when a fuse that has been burning for years over a sexless marriage finally goes 'pop'.

I am a woman in my forties, very attractive, sexy and extremely good rather outstanding in bed. I have never refused my husband in this 19 yrs of marriage even once for sex despite being a working woman. We have experienced wonderful times,massages, varying positions,back, front whatever a man can want.Exploring n experimenting new things. He asks me on kitchen floor I am ready, he asks to masturbate me while driving I do it and as we both have a very high sex drive no one else can be better in bed than when we two are together. My husband is like u, extremely good looking getting to much female attention so he forgets that A HOT SEXY ADVENTUROUS WIFE AT HOME IS WORTH 1O MISTRESSES.........He cheats me all the time. You will be surprised I am an Asian women n live in a third world country, we are quite well off n educated as well n women in this part of the world are not so open about sex even with their husbands... I am and as good as any white woman in bed but he is habitual he cheats ... n can't help it.I have a very sexy n dusky appearance n I too get much male attention but I am loyal towards him wish if only he cud understand this??

"The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage." Your perspective is dead on. Popular culture, though, would rather have a simplistic, quick excuse. BLAME the spouse. Your viewpoint requires thought, a bit of intropection, courage to face one's self and effort. At 47, my wife had two affairs and became a substance abuser. In our last round of couple's counseling she said she wouldn't have done any of this if it weren't for me. I wasn't making her happy. When asked by the counselor what she wanted fomr life she said, "to be happy and have fun." Ther therapist thought she had heard incorrectly and asked her again. My wife repeated the reply. Then she said, and I quote directly: "If a marriags needs work that means it doesn't work and shold be over." Huh? She ended up bailing out of the marriage at the behest of friendsa who told her she was entitled to be happy. Sheis on the internet dating scene now. According to her profile, fraught with lies about her weight and work out regimen - she has none - she says she's looking for a man interetsd in erotic sex and sports. I kid you not. Anyway, thanks for the common sense talk.

The key is recognizing the baggage and working ot rid it from your life. It can't be buried or denied and it wil catch up to you. I'm grateful to have had an excellent counselor who would not let me dodge my issues with emotional intimacy. I initially dismissed his "diagnosis" but I kept seeing him for some reason. With a lot of work I actually owned up to this issue and grew past it. I felt more whole. The problem was I had married someone who was like me - averse to emotional intimacy. We were a good, dysfunctional match. As I progressed,and actually began to radiate health, she withdrew. In the end, she invested herself into an affair over the internet, got into cyber porn and then found a real-life boyfriend on her job. She has bragged about trysts and sex toy parties to people I know. I realized that the marriage was lost. She was just too happy in this new life. She had also found support from a community of people who are like her. They too are divorced or in marriages teetering on disaster. But remarkably, they seem happy. You almost envy people who can have lives that are so undesireable yet they are very happy with themselves. I was flatfooted at first. I felt that if I could "grow" then anyone could and would if it meant a strong marriage. Who wouldn't want that right? It's a no-brainer. My wife has excellent benefits. Therepy would have been almost free. She tried three sessions and walked away from them. She said it wasn't worth it. What I learned from this is that you can deal with your baggage and, in the process, aspire to live on a higher level, but it does not guarantee a desired outcome. Your spouse may not be happy with the "new" you. That was a very hard concept to swallow. That said, I wouldn't want to go back to the person I was for all the money in the world. I felt depressed and plain sad that she walked away but deep down I know that the marriage was shot unless she tool dealt with her baggage. It would have been like living in a prison. Truth be told, I would have stayed in the marriage out of stubborn loyalty and wasted years of my life. My wife came to the conclusion quicker than I did, that were were no longer suited for each other. The shame is the degrading way she ended it.