If Your Spouse is Cheating...It's All Your Fault!

My other question is why are womens magazines filled with how to keep your husband from cheating, how to perk up your sex life, what you can do to save your marriage. Do men's magazines talk about making your wife feel sexy after 10 yrs of marriage, how to keep the fires burning etc. If there is and you are a guy please tell me so I can pick one up.

Frankly, I am sick of it always being up to the woman to keep the man happy.

If you cheat, yes there are generally problems in the marriage. But, if you cheat and lie about it that is a problem. Especially if you keep doing it. You have a problem, not the faithful spouse. So to blame the faithful and say it is their fault is ridiculous.

If infidelity were the wife's fault, all men married to ordinary human women would cheat.

In my personal life, those I know to have cheated were attracted to the OW because she flattered him or she was more fun. That means the GUY had an empty space in his life.

"The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage."
Your perspective is dead on. Popular culture, though, would rather have a simplistic, quick excuse. BLAME the spouse. Your viewpoint requires thought, a bit of intropection, courage to face one's self and effort.
At 47, my wife had two affairs and became a substance abuser. In our last round of couple's counseling she said she wouldn't have done any of this if it weren't for me. I wasn't making her happy. When asked by the counselor what she wanted fomr life she said, "to be happy and have fun." Ther therapist thought she had heard incorrectly and asked her again. My wife repeated the reply.
Then she said, and I quote directly: "If a marriags needs work that means it doesn't work and shold be over." Huh? She ended up bailing out of the marriage at the behest of friendsa who told her she was entitled to be happy.
Sheis on the internet dating scene now. According to her profile, fraught with lies about her weight and work out regimen - she has none - she says she's looking for a man interetsd in erotic sex and sports. I kid you not.
Anyway, thanks for the common sense talk.

The key is recognizing the baggage and working ot rid it from your life. It can't be buried or denied and it wil catch up to you. I'm grateful to have had an excellent counselor who would not let me dodge my issues with emotional intimacy. I initially dismissed his "diagnosis" but I kept seeing him for some reason. With a lot of work I actually owned up to this issue and grew past it. I felt more whole.
The problem was I had married someone who was like me - averse to emotional intimacy. We were a good, dysfunctional match. As I progressed,and actually began to radiate health, she withdrew. In the end, she invested herself into an affair over the internet, got into cyber porn and then found a real-life boyfriend on her job. She has bragged about trysts and sex toy parties to people I know. I realized that the marriage was lost. She was just too happy in this new life. She had also found support from a community of people who are like her. They too are divorced or in marriages teetering on disaster. But remarkably, they seem happy. You almost envy people who can have lives that are so undesireable yet they are very happy with themselves.
I was flatfooted at first. I felt that if I could "grow" then anyone could and would if it meant a strong marriage. Who wouldn't want that right? It's a no-brainer.
My wife has excellent benefits. Therepy would have been almost free. She tried three sessions and walked away from them. She said it wasn't worth it.
What I learned from this is that you can deal with your baggage and, in the process, aspire to live on a higher level, but it does not guarantee a desired outcome. Your spouse may not be happy with the "new" you. That was a very hard concept to swallow.
That said, I wouldn't want to go back to the person I was for all the money in the world. I felt depressed and plain sad that she walked away but deep down I know that the marriage was shot unless she tool dealt with her baggage. It would have been like living in a prison.
Truth be told, I would have stayed in the marriage out of stubborn loyalty and wasted years of my life. My wife came to the conclusion quicker than I did, that were were no longer suited for each other. The shame is the degrading way she ended it.

"Almost everyone comes in with baggage"...

Never has there been a truer statement said than this one....we ALL come in to our marriages with baggage and then we add to that baggage as time goes on, stuffing and cramming all the unresolved issues. anger and resentment deep down inside, until one day the bag finally busts or is overflowing on to everything that we touch or are involved in.

You must be complimented for staying the course with your therapist...I am sure you are a better man for it AND if you choose to enter in to another relationshship...your partner will also be glad that you unpacked all your unresolved issues and dealt with them. Your children, if you have them, will be grateful also. We tend to add to our children's baggage also, when we don't deal with this bagage also.

It is very sad that your ex-wife has not seen the same wisdom of this and has chosen to stay burdened by her lot in life by adding even more to the weight of the baggage that she carries. But this is not your burden to carry any longer...whatever you do, don't pack this back up and put it back in to your baggage. Eventually, she will see what you have done and maybe even deal with her own...but then maybe she won't. Your only job at this point is not to let her self-destructive ways get in the way of your progress in living a mature and fulfilling life and keeping these same things from effecting your children.

Do not look at this marriage as a waste of years...it brought you to the point of self discovery, it grew you in to the man that you are today...it taught you much...it is time to take this growth, maturity and strength on the road to success and happiness. You can only control and grow yourself...celebrate the person you become!