Internet Dating; Who says you can't put a price on love?

I'm divorced a year and go onto match.come to look, see who is out there. Maybe, just Maybe.

I come to a photo of my best friend's wife. They separated about 4 months ago, probably headed for divorce. She's lying stomach down, on a bed - it looks like a bed anyway -with one of her feet kicked up and a full shot of her cleavage.

She describes herself as single and fancies a man interested in "erotica" and travelling to romantic places. Whoever takes her up on this will be in for a surprise. She lowaballed her age by 7 years and said she was athletic and worked out. Talk about whoppers.

I was stunned and depressed. This woman has a 10 year-old and is still married. I feel bad for my friend and can't help but wonder how many other people like her are on these sites. I think these sites might be okay but the chance of meeting someone with a bagload of troubles is intimidating. These are not the type of people I even want to know, much less start a relationship. I think I'll pass on the internet.

My wife left me for a man she was having an affair with and moved in with our two kids. It was a bitter divorce.

After a year we worked out an equitable arrangment but I was angry and pretty selfish and I guess, uncaring about what other people needed. I also wanted female companionship, not a relationship, but someone to sleep with.

I found plenty of company on match and yahoo. I'm no stud, average looking but it was easy. There were some crazies, desperate and many women with esteem issues. I didn't feel guilty at first because the women seemed to want the same thing. Some wanted long-term relationships but didn't understand that no guy is going to want to go further with a woman who sleeps with him on the 2d or 3d date.

I realize I was wrong, angry and selfish. I used it. I don't think balanced people go there for relationships. If you do, good luck.

I think many of the people who are involved in internet dating are most likely the ones who have left their long-term relationships to "find themselves"; these people are usually self-absorbed a-holes.

Just "my take".

At least in my case you hit the nail on the head. Wife left after 17 years because she wanted to have fun. I wasn't making her happy.

We separated but started divorce proceedings. Three months after we separate she goes onto match.com. It was stunning to see her there. All of a sudden she's not the insecure, delusonal woman who walked out of her marriage because she refused to look at herself. She's a vixen. She said about a dozen things about herself that were blatant lies. Her picture was taken when she was 39.

People like my wife is perhaps the biggest reason why those sites are terrible. You don't know the back stories of these people. It's too easy to lie. Most are not normal and are running from something. They can get away with fantasizing about themselves.
I know there are success stories but they're probably a miniscule percentage. I would think that most people have enough going for them that they don't have to go trolling on the internet.

All of what has said in the posting and comments is true -- there are some damaged people listing themselves on sites.

Having dated for 4 years through these sites, I have learned how to vet people through emails and phone calls before meeting them. Yes, I have fallen for ruses and untruths only to find out many dates later what the underlying truth is. But that can happen anytime you meet someone. Even if you meet someone through work or friends and the other person seems sane on the surface, I've learned they can have hidden unsavory needs or issues once the layers of the onion are peeled back. So Internet dating can be like "organic" dating -- you just have to look for the clues as you get to know someone.

Internet dating does provide more "inventory" -- you can sort by your most important criteria. Yes, people lie about body type, height, age, and income. So you can't believe everything in a profile. But that is one of the first things you clarify when you meet for coffee. "Is everything in your profile up to date?" Or a favorite one to ask after a few emails, "I like that picture of you doing XXX. When was it taken?" If it was more than a few years ago, you know you have someone who hasn't a clue that one should only post recent pics. I showed up once for a date with a man whose picture was from 20 years ago -- and he still thought he looked like that!

Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com

I think that after having been through a wringer of a divorce, then recovering for two years, adjusting to my new life and and dealing with trust issues, it's hard to gather the energy or enthusiasm to want to give these sites a try. I keep thinking of meeting someone like my ex-wife - surface pretty, glib but a self-absorbed liar. The ends justify the means.

Eventually these people get found out but it's wearying. I have three freinds of both sexes who have met one zero after another. They give up and then after a month or three, try again. I think these sites are the first place damaged people run to. Most of them aren't expecting anything long term anyway, certainly not anything honest. Any port in the storm will do. Float from one disaster to another.

All in all, there are probably a minority of very nice and decent people. For every good anecdote there are probably 100 unpleasant one. I think that having to wade through the muck could get tiring and make a person cynical.I am so sick of liars and empty people.

This post really spoke to me. I haven't ever posted a comment here but this topic is a timely one for me. I've been out of my marriage for two years, and I have Romantic Comedies for friends, too. Frankly, I feel so burned by the behavior of my husband, who advertised himself on match.com while we were married, unknown to me, that even two years later I feel quesy at the thought of getting out there in the dating pool. Online dating sites are, I believe, rife with liars and damaged goods. No thanks. Good luck to you, ctomshaw. Enjoy your children and your new life. Look for the good in it every day. I hope you are well.

Three years after divorce from mlc wife I was excited to try it. I found my self looking forward to the initial meetings. Dating made me nervous, but it was a good kind of nervous. More like anticipation. You just never know, was my mantra.
It was stunning how many pathetic misfits I encountered. I'm not perfect and got my own issues that I face and work on. So I'm not picky but I never in my life knew that there were so many otherwise normal looking, even very attractive people, who are so messed up. Most people you couldn't believe a word that came out of their mouths. Everthing was a fraud. Others were so cloying and needy I felt sorry for them. Do these people actually find dates?
I live in a major city so it's not like I was stuck out in the boondocks. There are a lot of people in pain, and others looking to inflict pain is what I learned.

Goddess is right - internet dating increases your chances. The burnout comes from having to sift through the numbers, something that would not normally happen in real life (do you ever meet a couple hundred people in about a week??). After a while you get tired and wonder why you ever signed on in the first place! I live in Asia and actually had one guy tell me that I write very well. Then he asked me if English was my first language. After I responded (told him I grew up in the midwest), he became "busy". I wasn't quite sure what he had expected! So much for internet dating, I decided to date the old fashioned way!

Jo

I'm sorry to hear about this. To the uninitiated, internet dating seems like a blessing but the reality is, it can really be a curse.

You have my sympathies. And your experiences with internet dating seem to have at least gone further than mine, as I never got to a 2nd or 3rd date with anyone. And I admire your ability to find sexual companionship but still recognize you are not ready for a relationship. That's very tricky, but also necessary if we are all to heal.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss people who want to find themselves. In the end, it's perhaps the most important thing we can do not just for ourselves but for those in our life. Going on that search for self, though, requires patience, understanding and sympathy for everyone around us.

Goddess --

Thanks as always for your post. I do realize that internet dating can be great for some people. It just requires more patience than I think I have right now. And as I continue to realize, although there are days when I think I'm ready to really throw myself out there to meet people, I'm most likely still not ready. I need to date women, perhaps sleep with some, and then use all of this experience to help me perhaps look for a real relationship again.

First, thank you so much for our comments. I really do appreciate them. I'm doing my best to enjoy this life I've moved into, and to realize we don't need partners to be happy. We just need to appreciate ourselves, and the rest will flow from there.

I feel like the optimist around here. My darling husband died last year of brain cancer. I grew my hair and kept my grief weight (down 10 lbs.!)and recently jumped on Match.com. Even though I am hardly youthful, I have already had coffee dates with two perfectly nice engineers. Probably not my type, but I'm just getting started. So many interesting fellows hanging from the trees, ready to be sampled...
In the late 1980's, pre-Internet, I met my husband through the personal ads. He was number 24 out of 26. (I had a hard time stopping.) I worked for 2.5 years to find him. He was a jewel, a prince, and I'm so glad that our son is just like him.
It's stressful to jump back in the dating game. But I believe in love, and I know that eventually, I find a lonely, smart guy whose neuroses are compatible with mine. And then I'll be content once more.