Is this a midlife crisis and if so how do i handle it??

Wow, you've certainly got your hands full. I must say, even before I read the part about your wife's mom dying, I kept thinking in my head that your wife sounded depressed to me. Of course, I'm no expert, and she also seems to be showing signs of a midlife crisis. Who the heck knows.

Perhaps with the miscarriage she may be experiencing hormonal problems. Has she seen a DR. about her situation?

Good luck to you. Fight for your daughter, no matter how hard it is on you, because it will be much worse if your daughter ends up six hours away from you. You haven't asked for this situation, nor has your daughter. Would you even feel comfortable knowing that your daughter is with your wife while your wife is seemingly unstable?

Your wife observed that you can't make her happy and that she has to find her own happiness.

But she also blames you for things.

I think it's true that we're all responsible for our own happiness and our own feelings about anything, because we choose our responses and what we pay attention to. But in practice, that isn't completely a good philosophy because when my husband and I tried it, we ended up losing our closeness and our friendship, trying to enforce the emotional independence. One of us would get mad and, since we were responsible for our own emotions, it was up to us to feel differently. It drew us apart. It was better when we started to see that our thoughts inform our moods, and if our thoughts were only about ourselves, our moods excluded each other and we could no longer be sources of comfort for one another.

On the other hand, it's very important to learn how not to make one person's emotional troubles your own. I think it's difficult to learn how, but important to stay balanced on your own two feet when someone else is going nutso. So, when they don't care what you think, they're going to do whatever they think will ease their pain, even if it really dumps on you, I think you have to learn a way not to let them hurt you so badly. Like, if you can realize that the things they're thinking and doing are not coming from their best nature, but that they are wigging out and you don't want to go with them, trying to pull them back, asking them to please stop hurting everyone, but that they're not going to respond reasonably, then you will be able to protect yourself.

So when they criticize you, it's being done according to unsound judgment. And when they say you won't give them what they need, they are asking for something unreasonable. You can't tell them that, but you can keep in mind that you're talking to someone not in their right mind. Roll up the drawbridge. Remove anything combustible. If you're going to lose them anyway, stay safe and sane.

Hey--it's another great metaphor in the works--When under assault, build a fortress.

This is what I'm seeing around here and in my own crisis, which is in the later stages.

"she discovered that I can't make her happy and that she was going to find her own happiness."

Of course you can't make her happy, no one can "make" another happy. It is always found by and within oneself. Unfortunately your wife's epiphany appears to be more of a blame game than anything else. I think your observations vis-a-vis your wife are on the mark and since you asked for advice here are a few things you might want to do/consider:

1. Read and research. You are already doing this and keep it up. Reading stories of others experiences will help you see that you are far from alone. Furthermore you will see patterns that might help you decide what you do/don't want to try.

2. Focus on your daughter. Do whatever you can to shelter her from whatever stresses and challenges are in the marriage. 4 years old is old enough to pick up that something is wrong.

3. Do not rule out counseling for yourself. Going through something like this (not to mention losing your mother) is stressful and you might benefit greatly from professional help in coping with it all.

4. Don't forget things like exercise, eating properly and getting enough sleep. These might be the furthest things from your mind but as the situation drags on from weeks, to months, to years, it is simply too long to ignore your own health.

5. Have patience. No matter what happens it is likely going to take awhile to pay out. Don't forget to leverage your own personal network of friends and family. They'd most likely love to be asked to help you.

Good luck and please keep posting and sharing.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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