Is this a midlife crisis and if so how do i handle it??

Wow, you've certainly got your hands full. I must say, even before I read the part about your wife's mom dying, I kept thinking in my head that your wife sounded depressed to me. Of course, I'm no expert, and she also seems to be showing signs of a midlife crisis. Who the heck knows.

Perhaps with the miscarriage she may be experiencing hormonal problems. Has she seen a DR. about her situation?

Good luck to you. Fight for your daughter, no matter how hard it is on you, because it will be much worse if your daughter ends up six hours away from you. You haven't asked for this situation, nor has your daughter. Would you even feel comfortable knowing that your daughter is with your wife while your wife is seemingly unstable?

Your wife observed that you can't make her happy and that she has to find her own happiness.

But she also blames you for things.

I think it's true that we're all responsible for our own happiness and our own feelings about anything, because we choose our responses and what we pay attention to. But in practice, that isn't completely a good philosophy because when my husband and I tried it, we ended up losing our closeness and our friendship, trying to enforce the emotional independence. One of us would get mad and, since we were responsible for our own emotions, it was up to us to feel differently. It drew us apart. It was better when we started to see that our thoughts inform our moods, and if our thoughts were only about ourselves, our moods excluded each other and we could no longer be sources of comfort for one another.

On the other hand, it's very important to learn how not to make one person's emotional troubles your own. I think it's difficult to learn how, but important to stay balanced on your own two feet when someone else is going nutso. So, when they don't care what you think, they're going to do whatever they think will ease their pain, even if it really dumps on you, I think you have to learn a way not to let them hurt you so badly. Like, if you can realize that the things they're thinking and doing are not coming from their best nature, but that they are wigging out and you don't want to go with them, trying to pull them back, asking them to please stop hurting everyone, but that they're not going to respond reasonably, then you will be able to protect yourself.

So when they criticize you, it's being done according to unsound judgment. And when they say you won't give them what they need, they are asking for something unreasonable. You can't tell them that, but you can keep in mind that you're talking to someone not in their right mind. Roll up the drawbridge. Remove anything combustible. If you're going to lose them anyway, stay safe and sane.

Hey--it's another great metaphor in the works--When under assault, build a fortress.

This is what I'm seeing around here and in my own crisis, which is in the later stages.

"she discovered that I can't make her happy and that she was going to find her own happiness."

Of course you can't make her happy, no one can "make" another happy. It is always found by and within oneself. Unfortunately your wife's epiphany appears to be more of a blame game than anything else. I think your observations vis-a-vis your wife are on the mark and since you asked for advice here are a few things you might want to do/consider:

1. Read and research. You are already doing this and keep it up. Reading stories of others experiences will help you see that you are far from alone. Furthermore you will see patterns that might help you decide what you do/don't want to try.

2. Focus on your daughter. Do whatever you can to shelter her from whatever stresses and challenges are in the marriage. 4 years old is old enough to pick up that something is wrong.

3. Do not rule out counseling for yourself. Going through something like this (not to mention losing your mother) is stressful and you might benefit greatly from professional help in coping with it all.

4. Don't forget things like exercise, eating properly and getting enough sleep. These might be the furthest things from your mind but as the situation drags on from weeks, to months, to years, it is simply too long to ignore your own health.

5. Have patience. No matter what happens it is likely going to take awhile to pay out. Don't forget to leverage your own personal network of friends and family. They'd most likely love to be asked to help you.

Good luck and please keep posting and sharing.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

My wife lost about 80lbs over the past several years. She is so obsessed with working out, that she sometimes neglect the kids activities so she can work out. She also spends hours in the mirror before going out in public. She does not make time for me, but will for her friends. Lately, she has been very selfish. She tells me everynight that she loves me, but she doesn't exactly show it.

Any thoughts?

It is almost like I wrote this and didn't remember. Not to sound unsympathetic, but I am glad someone else is in the same situation at the same time. The baggage is great, here. I have "learned" many things that have jumped up and shocked me-- and had no idea that I was such covert destructor of her and her happiness. I was not very supportive in the beginning because her behavior was so self indulgent. I did give her time (go out of my way to make sure she can get extra "alone" or "friend" or "workout" time) and space so she could adjust to her looming birthday (the claimed trigger). But I also offered a number of negative comments, suspicious questions, and occasional hostility. I have to say this was a mistake and I wish I had taken the time to start researching from the beginning. I think I have pushed her to the denial stage and the hope is fading quickly. I realized I was not really listening to the rare times she actually spoke up-- and those few moments changed quickly to accusations that it was all my fault that she was unhappy to begin with. It is hard to step back-- especially since I pushed to the point of clinging. I am making changes in my behavior to give her the space she needs and refuse to engage in fights and comment battles-- and she interprets this as an ulterior motive to harm her professionally, turn people against her, hide my secret plan (I have none), and prepare to turn the children against her. I suppose there is no real point here but a pressure release. I don't really know what to do. I have an appointment with a counselor and the reaction to this was horrific. She really resents this idea and has issued a vast number of threats and accusations over a rage so intense I thought her eyes might actually turn me to stone. She is insisting I go to the bank with her to splint the finances. She scheduled it at the same time as my first appointment. I am still going to the counselor, though. You should go, too. Keep your distance. Shut your mouth. Swallow your pain and share it with someone who isn't her. Tell her (and believe it when you say it) that you have no control over how she thinks, feels, or reacts to you, and that you can only do what you can do for yourself in this situation. I may have reached this realization too late, but maybe you can save something of yourself before she cuts you out of her life completely. I had no idea that hate and despise could vanquish love and commitment. I had no idea pain like this could permeate everything. I had no idea sleep could be so impossible, appetite would fade away, and fear could shadow every thought. At least I lost those pesky 25 lbs. It is cold out here, but not as cold knowing I am not alone. Good luck. You are not alone, either. This was sort of cathartic. thanks.

I'm not sure what is going on with my hubby. On one hand we know he has chronic deression,but I thought we had that under control. He isn't interested in anything but sitting in the bedroom in his pyjamma's,he's not interested in his family,he's angry all the time,he's not interested in sex. I'm working through some very emotional stuff from childhood,and he's not interested in my healing. He was never like this before. He was so loving and supportive a year ago. He went off his anti depressants and soon found that he really did need them. Ever since then everything has been going downhill and all of a sudden he doesn't love our daughters and myself and he wants a separation. Nothing he's saying is making any sense at all. One minute he wants something to do with us and in the next breath he can't stand us. He goes out of his way to let us know that we are a pain in the butt. There have been times when he will yell at our youngest in front of her friends when my oldest daughter comes home to visit with her boyfriend,she will go into the bedroom to say hi to him and he will not say hi to her,he instead asks her what she is doing there. I am at a complete loss,I don't know what to say or how to react to him. It's like some alien has taken over his body. We know that he has chronic depression it runs in his mothers side of the family,but when I read some of the symtoms of MLC I see a lot of symptoms there as well,especially the one where he doesn't know where his life is going? And that he feels that there is no hope for us as a family,which is really disturbing to me. I don't know what to do? My head is spinning.I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Do I give him the separation? He is in counselling,I'm in counselling for childhood abuse from my family. My youngest daughter is in counselling. It has been suggested that we do family counselling which I agree with and also marriage counselling. We all have just started our individual counselling. When should we add other counselling to the mix? At such a loss and really hurting.

Crazylady

Has your husband tried listening to the messages of his depression?

For example, sometimes when I was depressed and wishing to die, that thought was a form of wanting some part of my life to be killed off, so the rest of me could be set free.

Or when I was thinking I was nothing, nobody, worthless, that thought was a form of needing to stop going by what I should be or thought I was supposed to think or do.

Also, I found that artificial sweeteners really did a number on my mood.

Maybe he's forgotten what it's like to feel good.

I wish you the best. There's this book by Lara Honos-Webb that I recommend. It's called "Listening to Depression." I wish I could put my copy through the computer so he could see if it's relevant.

it's been often said that idle hands are the devil's workshop. has she thought about maybe getting a part time job or even volunteering her time with a worthy organization?

Hi Lisa,

Just ordered a copy from Amazon. A whole $1.38 used, plus $3.98 s/h. For that price, I'm willing to take a look at it.

I was helped by it and I know one other person who found it very helpful. The author says that sometimes we are like a fly trying to get through a window, not knowing which direction will lead to open air. Sometimes we are like a tree with a dead branch that needs pruning. And so on. But for some reason or another we are unable to listen to the voice within us. Sometimes when we feel like killing ourselves, what we truly want is to die to our problem situation and we really want good life.

'Sometimes when we feel like killing ourselves, what we truly want is to die to our problem situation and we really want good life."

How could you possibly know that I was having that ideation...Did it come through in my story?

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)

you mentioned suicidal ideation. I think in the logic of depression makes it start to sound like something you could think about. It doesn't know there are so many new depths to be found in life, new avenues of understanding that can only be found by walking through the blackness and not stopping, like in your tag line. Churchill would know, wouldn't he.

It never ceases to amaze me how many leaders in history were high-performing alcoholics, depressive personalities, etc.

I suppose my ideation is the logical result of self-hatred and the desire to end the pain and shame, especially since I won't even consider alcohol. I know where that leads.

Tomorrow afternoon, I see the new MD and get started on the path to whereever it leads. I've concluded that I have to win this battle for "my self." It's "it" or me. No quarter, no surrender. I now understand what Dante meant in the Inferno, when he wrote:

"Midway upon the road of our life,

for the right way had been missed..."

"When you're going through Hell, for God's sake, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)