When (the lack of) Love Makes Us Do Crazy Things

Tom:

Wow! I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable,insightful and funny all in one posting! I know how hard it is to do all three!

Your take on life after divorce is frighteningly real. While I haven't succumbed to the When Harry Met Sally drug, I have found that Internet dating is a similar addiction. Always wondering if the man who just winked at me is The One. Compulsively checking the sites throughout the day, even though they send an email when someone contacts me.

Come share your comments to some of my postings on the same subject.

Dating Goddess Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 http://www.DatingGoddess.com

First and foremost, thanks for the compliment. I really do appreciate it. I've wanted to purge a ton of stuff since the divorce drama began, so I'm glad to have the chance to do it and to have people read it. And if you want to see vulnerable, I'm thinking my next entry will be about my complete and utter terror about having sex for the first time after divorce. Embarrassing to throw out there, but I figure, what the hell....I also have a fair amount to say about Internet dating, which I have found to be, well, let's put it this way. The TITANIC was a disaster. Internet dating was worse.

I will definitely check out your site and see what I can possibly add. Thanks.

What a brilliant page you made me laugh cry and think! i am struggling with my own disasters at the minute and it was nice to hear the male side if things.I truley hope that everything works out for you in the future and you know what they say if at first you fail try try again-followed by a good bottle of south african white . good dreams jackie - england

Jackie --

Thanks so much for your kind comments. I'm very pleased you like what you read. I'm doing this because I want everyone to share in all that happens after a divorce, because the only way to get through it is if you don't feel like you're the only one going through it. So truly, thanks.

I disagree with only one thing. I prefer Irish whiskey....

Craig

you see again i have to disagree with you-i have a cabenet full of irish whisky as my brother just married an irish girl and when they come to visit they bring a bottle-i hate the stuff i think i will have to use it to light my fires at home. im not at the divorce stage yet to be truthfull i dont want to be there . i love my husband very much but i just need some time for me to think about what i want from life now my kids are older and dont need me as much we have grown apart which was expected as we have been together 17 years , i am 34 now i dont want to do the going out on girls nights that has just never appeald to me i like cosy nights in and a nice bottle and a good dvd, hubby now wants lads nights out and he works away a lot and we are just not the same anymore. he left for work 2 weeks ago and i dont know when he is coming back recently i have lost weight for health reasons and it has given me a little bit of confidance and before he left we argued he said that he was not in control anymore i asked him in control of the situation or of me and he said both.i just dont know what to do i know i am changing as a person doesnt everyone? i am not a confident person i dont go around flirting that is just not me i just think i need to a bit of time to find me, does that make any sense.i am just so desperate not to go down the breaking up root cause i feel thats the easy way out. when you said you watch soppy films with me its music and at the moment there is a song i listen to all the time an english singer you should listen to her if you havent already -Adele and the song is called chasing pavements. best wishes jackie

Okay, I see your point on the Irish whiskey. Let's compromise and settle on Chianti.

Sorry to hear about the complications you are going through. If you think what you have is worth fighting for, then definitely fight. And trust me, breaking up is not the easy way out. It's the hardest way possible. Take however tough people tell you it is and multiply by 100, and you get the idea. If you see it as a final resort, then that's the best way to go. But if that's what it takes for you both to achieve what you have left to achieve in life, divorce is not a bad thing. See it not as saying something negative about your partner but, rather, something positive about yourself.

And yes, I've heard the Adele song. It's quite good.

Take care.

I love reading your threads (blogs/comments). You paint pictures with words, which is a true art form!

The Harry Met Sally story was sooooo making me want to find out what you discovered on the next line, then the next and so on. I kept thinking, wow he's living the life that most women (stereotypically) do after a bad relationship. You know the Lifetime movies, sitting around in their grunge wear, eating to be eating, living life through the movies, crying. I would def. have expected (because I would stereotype prob.)the Cinemax, drinking and getting back on the horse mentality you spoke of toward the end of your piece. You exposed yourself emotionally for all of us to see and it was beautiful. Thank you so much for being real and sharing a piece of your life, although no one WANTS to go through watching Harry Met Sally 157+ times or the pain and depression that comes with a divorce, it is refreshing to have those feelings we all feel at one time or another in our lives PAINTED into words and given for all to enjoy and admire.

A great work of art isn't always the things that reflect perfection, but rather the things that draw attention to it and make one think and ponder and discuss it.

Thank you VERY much.

I was surfing the internet and suddenly wondered if "Craig" had posted anything new on LifeTwo. And there you were...with your most recent and hilarious entry. And I say hilarious with empathy, no offense intended!

Immediately after my divorce, I was in stage 1, "Geez, what did I do? Is this the right thing, etc.". That lasted for about a month. Stage 2 was the discovery of freedom. Thank goodness that lasted only 3 months! Stage 3 was the reality phase and that lasted about 3 years. Although I had moved on to another relationship (both of us fresh from recent divorces), I was still coming to terms with the actuality of being divorced. That relationship has since ended, I think we both got what we needed and moved on. Stage 3 was the toughest one for me. There were stages 4 and 5 after that, but nothing real significant. I just remembered knowing when I moved into a new stage. I think I stopped counting and seem to have become quite settled with the single life. Now my thoughts have been, what if a significant relationship comes along...do I really want to get involved again? I wonder if that is because I have come to terms with myself and what I am willing to do and not do for a potential partner. Hmmm.

BTW - I hope that you at least purchased your small potted plant at this point! It tends to start looking very nice after a glass or two (or three) of wine!

TS

Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate all you say, and am happy that somewhere out there, people can relate to all this. As I said at the beginning of the blogging, the goal is for everyone who reads these entries to say, "So it's NOT just me..." It will always feel that way to all of us, but it doesn't have to. And while I'm not sure if all men feel the same way I do about this, but many more do than will ever admit it. I just know I could never be one of those guys who just leaped into one fling after another. That seems so counter to what I think most of us really want.

Anyway, thanks so much for all that you wrote. And hopefully, you'll like the other columns coming soon.

Thank you for all that you say. I'm glad you're liking all this, since when I write it, I try to write it just for myself and if others get into it, great. If not, fine too.

I'm a bit envious of your ability to get through all those stages. I've yet to even get to another relationship, and while single life definitely has its merits, it'd be nice to actually start seeing someone. I guess all good things require patience. So we'll see if something does come along.

And sadly, no plant yet. I'm still adjusting to the sheets. But soon....and frankly, I prefer the three glasses of win and pretending that I see a plant.

Thanks again.

Craig

The stages just happen, and you just sort of know when you've moved on. I have been doing this for a long time...13 years...so I think it has been easier to see where you are at in the process.

You know how folks say when you stop looking for love, it just happens? Well, out of nowhere, it happened for me just a week or so ago. I'm not saying that I'm in love, but the attraction was just sort of WHAM! And it's nice when it happens, especially when it's been a while.

So, at the risk of repeating what everyone says....it will happen again for you. You can take that to the bank! The process is just so darn slow sometimes! Let me know what kind of plant you see after 3 glasses of wine!

TS

Thanks for the note. And I know it takes longer to adjust to the new life than I know it's takes. Just feels so long already. My problem -- most of which I'll milk in a future column -- is falling incredibly hard for someone right as my marriage ended. She was somebody who helped me feel all that we wish we could feel. Then, as soon as I was ready, she denied any feelings for me and is now very serious about someone else.

That crushing blow has become VERY hard to get over. Near impossible, actually. Which is why I think I really have stopped looking for anyone. My trust factor for relationships has plummeted faster than the public's trust factor for George Bush. So I'm thinking the best dates I want for the next long time will be taking my daughter to Build A Bear and ice cream.

And after 3 glasses of wine, I think the plant I start seeing looks kind of like that one from Little Shop of Horrors.

Thanks again for reading all I'm churning out.

I'm sorry to hear about the added blow. I know completely where you are coming from, the same thing happened to me when my marriage ended. It was difficult to deal with the end of the marriage PLUS the pain from the additional rejection. You wonder how you are going to get through it...but you do. I remember asking a friend of mine who was on the receiving end of a divorce (her husband left her for a younger woman) since I was going through something similar from a post-divorce relationship. Her response was "you don't, it just becomes easier." I think you're doing the right thing by realizing that this is probably not the time to get involved again. Baby steps for now.

Take care.

TS

Craig,

I just stumbled onto this site and read your contributions with earnest. I'm not into Harry and Sally but the things men do when our marriages end can sometimes surprise us all. Personally, it's what to do next that keeps me up at night.

Along with the loss of friends, family and routine comes the realization that we don't know ourselves nearly as well as we should and, unfortunately or not, those unknowns hit us at the worst possible time. I'm glad you've been able to capture these challenges so eloquently and I look forward to reading your next offering.

Going for a swim now - cheers!

Steve

Thanks for this. I think I have to write about rebound relationships at some point. The one I fell into seemed so real...she was somebody I'd know for a dozen years, and who had really become my closest friend as I went through the divorce...and it turned out it was really just a phase for her. So as a friend of mine told me, it's dealing with the end of two relationships rolled into one. Which is never fun. It'd be nice to find the good feeling from a relationship again but you're right, now's not the time. My trust issues are now the size of redwoods, and I'm not sure when I'll learn to trust again.

First, thanks for the kind words. It really is nice to know that people out there may actually understand and feel what I do going through this incredibly crappy process. And to your point, I know the reason I have been stuck on romantic movies even now ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is the new one I'm memorizing) is because I don't know what to next. Or more accurately, I don't want to know what to do next because it's too scary. But I hope at some point, I can stop watching relationships on a screen and start seeing them in person.

Thanks again for your comments. Keep on reading.

You have helped tons of people with yur posts-including me. My wife left the marriage a year ago. Divorce is in the courts so we're waiting for a date, hopefully in the next two weeks or so. Anyway, I'm well into recovery. The year was rough but I'm doing very well. I've detatched from my ex and am in the opening phases of my new life. I had dabbled with the idea of dating. I'm very eligible - wonderful job/career, fit, good health, thoughtful, good charcter - at least I think so. I live in a city with about 100 coleges, universities and a sizable white collar industry. There are TONS of single, independent women on the hunt. Although dating seems tempting I feel deep down that I'm not ready. I think I will go with my gut. Right now I want to reach a point where dating or relationship is not on my agenda anymore. I just don't want to think about it. I like the idea of taking your daughter out. It is a great way to spend time and we enjoy each other's company - although, at 11, she can talk a dog off of a meat truck. It's all good though.

It's good that you realize that you were losing contact with reality. Movies can get the best of us when the pain is deep because you are hurting bad enough to crave anything that will lift you above the "now."

The characters, the lighting and scenery, background music plus the story trajectory from misery to happy ending look like as sumptuous as a good meal. And there are no commercials, no interruptions. It all looks so possible and easy. I don't know. It was hard for me to pull away from that. Who wants to go out into the miserable cold when I can stay inside Jerry Maguire's warm, comforting world and have such a fetching, understanding, humane partner as R.W?

I abegan to feel entitled. I surveyed my life and asked: "Why didn't I get that? Where's my Jerry Maguire girl?" Then a wash of self pity and a gradual wall of resentment towards my ex-wife that was about to collapse and bury me under it. It snowballs downhill fast.

Best thing I could do was to take a walk and sort out movie from reality. Then get into bed and sleep it off.

Wow! What a fine writer you are. You manage to entertain with your hilarity and brilliant satire and then when you have us laughing, you punch us in the heart or the gut with some insight and wisdom. Good combo! Gentle sir, don't be afraid of your "Lifetwo." Usually when I hear friends are getting divorced I try to lift their spirits by saying "Congratulations!" Some people immediately smile, look relieved and say "Thank you!" Others look pained, even horrified, and ask, "How could you say that?" It is because this is the DAWN of a NEW ERA in your life, and you might as well say, "GOOD MORNING." I know people who lost everything they owned in a fire, but their kids and their pets got out all right so all they could be was incredibly grateful. I know people who've suffered tremendous tragedy and loss, and had such strength of character and wisdom that somehow they managed to smile, albeit weakly, and behold a bright new day.

The Titanic was a true disaster. Divorce is an opportunity to evolve...however damaging and treacherous the waters, my friend, you are still alive and KICKING, and you WILL maneuver out of the undertow. Please be aware that some people literally do not survive their attempts to divorce. Some people are shot in the back while they try to walk out the door. Let us remember their valiant efforts to free themselves from truly disastrous marriages. To all the souls who have suffered so mightily, rest in peace.

As I have grown older and, hopefully, wiser, I continue to be amazed and heartened by what the human spirit can survive. Use your old friends and network, make new friends and cherish them, and somehow together you will all prevail and "LOVE long and prosper."

And don't be afraid to wait until you are really ready to begin another relationship. Your love is a chalice, so be sure that you hand that precious cup to someone who will respect its value, carry it gently and drink it with joy.

Whew! I don't usually offer unsolicited advice, but the freedom of this excellent forum at Lifetwo, and your beautiful and soulful writing has me inspired! Hope you take it in the spirit of friendship in which it is intended. A last point: I learned in graduate psychology that most second marriages are much happier than the first! Why is that? The scientists theorize that as people move on, they use new knowledge and wisdom gleaned from the first time around. Specifically, psychologists say that we are wiser about what we really want and need in a spouse, are less inclined to select one on the basis of his or her looks alone, and are more mature and capable of BEING a good spouse as well as SELECTING a good spouse. Hooray!

So do yourself and the world a favor. First, KEEP WRITING your beautiful and meaningful prose that can help so many. And second: lift your chin, throw your shoulders back, take a deep breath, look to the horizon...and Behold the New Dawn.

Love to you in all you do.

NLove

Tom,

HI, I deal with this everyday with my clients, Ive been through it. Ive found some clients love to wallow in thier saddness and loneliness. I had one ex boyfriend that was just a friend I had to tell him about a Kabillion times I didnt like him like he wanted me to or like he did me. Only to find his favorite movie was Lonesome Dove.. and he would cry in his beer over the rejection. He asked for it.

Bottom line here is your expecting to be alone watching too many Love Stories, and your negative "expecting worse" about whats going to happen even on your new sheets. Your inviting negativity in your life and your going to have to start thinking positive even if logic dictates otherwise.

Dating sucks and we all kiss a few frogs along the way. Be patient, and positive... It will happen.

In Harry met Sally, they both were a bit negative if I recall, about thier feelings and it took them a long time to realize they should be a couple.

Watch Preditor... it will get your mind off the subject.

DatingBobbi Bacha, PI Blue Moon Investigations, Security and Protection www.pibluemoon.com (281) 332-1622

When you read someone else's thoughts and experiences its so refreshing. What you wrote has really hit me and I'm going to think about how i've spent the last year or more getting over my ex. Thank you for being so articulate and open. i hope your clarity rubs off on me. :) London Las

i feel after having read this... though i was searching something completely random... that i should be obligated to comment... maybe a moot comment given its a year later... almost.. but hey, what the heck... so i'm a young woman.. never married.. probably never will be.. 3 best friends are.. when we were younger we all thought i'd be the first... but don't think i'm bitter yes i'm a fan of the classic chick flicks and feel good movies myself... and i'm sure many guys can tolerate them in hopes to get an invitation into the bedroom... it shocks me that a divorcée took this route in wallowing...

i cant imagine getting divorced... i honestly cant imagine getting married.. anymore atleast... but life, no matter how perfect you think things are going, never exactly pans out like that perfect movie sequence... i've had the crap 2year hopeful romances and then BAM... time to move on... i must come off so scorned... the truth is i am... the truth is i'm worried... im at a place in my life where the whole goldie hawn/kurt russel thing sounds so appealing...

im actually dating my 'harry' so to speak... a good friend who is my 2nd longest friendship... 11.. almost 12 years.. and the resemblance is horrifying... but i dont think he loves me... im far more successful in life than he is... thus far atleast... but he.. im not sure exactly... he picks apart my personality too much unlike harry he finds all my quirks... infact quirky.. annoying... something i really expected would turn out like a film and hed say 'i love that little wrinkle you get when youre looking at my like im nuts'... but he doesnt... and hes a wonderful guy really but real life is not when harry met sally... real life is annie hall...

annie hall is the truest to life account of a relationship turned out not perfect... and maybe my harry is a bit more alvy singer... no he is ... except very handsome.. woody allen not so much... but more to the point... our relationship is a dying shark... and yeah i would love that whirlwind romance that sweeps me off my feet... i would love my best friend to tell me that all my annoying habit actually dont annoy the hell out of them... but it isn't real... it isn't life... i mean im not a cynic.. really i'm happy for those who get married raise families... i still wish i get the chance... but here we are... yet another 2 year relationship failing... 2 years old... non the wiser... and all the more sure im unmarriable.. and possibly unboyfriendable.