Women at Mid-Life Dreaming of Divorce and Happily Married

Amy, I cried when I read Ms. Tien's article.

My ex-wife could have written that same article.

Your analysis is thoughtful and inspiring.

God it all hurt. She has no idea, because she bailed to a new man and left on a dime. Since we had no kids it was a clean split in her eyes, and a "gift to her and to me." We have not spoken in months. I don't suspect that we ever will.

Amy, I have had the last year to think about my new life direction. Honestly, if Ms. Tien is representative of most 30-somethings and 40-somethings, I don't know if I ever want to ride the marriage train again. I think I would rather be alone.

take care of yourself and thanks

sam_in_la

I crave a quiet place to call my own, which I design and I handle the problems of.

I want to go there and learn all about it and give it what it needs--and I decide what it needs.

I decide who gets to go there with me. It is a nice place.

And... Maybe my quiet place of my own might not have to be physical.

Either way, it's a huge challenge to find this place and obtain it. How much does it cost? What do I owe to the rest of the people in my life, to pay along with my ownership costs?

What can I have of my own? That I don't have to apologize for, or ask permission for?

sam_in_la:

I am sorry that you have had to go through this with your ex-wife. It is a heart wrenching experience. I am sure that it is very scarey for you at this time, especially after reading Ms Tien's article...it gives men who have gone through dealing with a wife in MLC very little hope...doesn't it?

This is why this article angered me beyond belief. It was an affirmation to women who are dealing with these thoughts, normalizing them and even giving them permission to act upon them....a fatal mistake.

Please know one thing...what has happened to you with your wife is NOT about you...it IS about her. IMHO...MLC is about a woman's self-esteem, their lack of or ability to cope with their lives, unresolved childhood issues and dealing with physical changes that are out of their control. Most women who go in to crisis vice just transitioning through this season of their life are liable to be control freaks or perfectionists. When they can no longer create the perfect life or control their lives...they step out of the situation in to one that they can control and perfect. The woman that this other man is seeing and knows is NOT the woman that you know and love. She is only presenting the best of herself to him OR the best of what she wants to be. She is trying to live her fantasy. It works for a while, but soon they discover that they are who they are...even the OM realizes this also. Rarely, does an affair end in marriage...the OM soon grows tired of the MLC woman...he will leave. She is too needy and he doesn't want needy.

Do not be scared of becoming involved in another relationship. You have seen this before...I hope you have taken mental notes...you will recognize it in another if you see it...and when you do...run...run fast! Most importantly, use this time to learn about yourself...become strong within yourself. Experts say that you should wait a minmum of two years before entering in to another relationship of any kind. Allow yourself to grieve and heal. If you need encouragement and advice in doing this, check out other forums that deal strictly with women in MLC. I am a expert moderator at Women in MLC and Path Partners....both forums are filled with stories, men and women that are dealing with women in MLC. Go there and get tips and tricks to get through this difficult time in your life.

You will be alright...there is hope...

Amy Harden

Shepherdess

My wife of 23 years left me a couple of years ago. I loved her very much and do not want to go into the details. I agree with you what you said. The divorce devastated me and almost took my life.

If women would stop and think what effect there actions are going to have on their loved ones I am not sure they would carry through. I am all for women working, or staying home with their kids ...what ever makes them their own person but not ripping apart their families for their own selfish needs. On the other hand, I do see where others perhaps can not help what they do. These are deep psychological issues that are complex and education about this phenomenon needs to be discussed early in a woman's life and for that matter mans also.

Things still hurt and I am dating but knowing what my ex is going through grieves me and to date I know her life is utter turmoil. Shes finding life is hard outside of what we built as a marriage.

Thank you.

Houston Polasek

I suspect that we women are taught "how you should act and put others first," and so we do that, but there's nobody there for you when you want to change and be more "real." I'm struggling to be honest now when I'm angry or something, even if others wouldn't be able to lock into my point of view like I want them to. Maybe that's why women go out and find friends who have such unhealthy themes. There's either the good people who accept what they're taught to be healthy, or the bad ones who just say "bag your social norms." There's nothing in between. I wonder if that could be started.

I think a universal truth is we all should put others first and parents do have a responsibility to teach their child how to act and put others first. As a culture, I think "me first" has has failed many. Men and women. The womens movement while progressive in some areas has forgotten that women are the natural nurture's. I do know some women that do work very hard for their families and do earn more but there is a price. As to the "real" part. I think becoming more honest with yourself is a good thing but if it effects others to such a degree that it endangers a life such as mine or impinges the well being of your children then another approach should be taken. I have studied much on this topic and talked with several women and I am amazed at the fact few of them understand menopause and its implications. I would think it should hold as much importance as childbearing or learning about the monthly cycle. I tend to think that to gain equality the womens movement down played this as an issue while stereotyping the male crises which to some degree I do believe in. In any event, a MLC hurts people, children, our country and has life time consequencies. Something needs to be done to stop the insane behaviour or we will ourselves and future generations.

HGP

It is better if children learn not to make themselves and their wishes the center of everything. They need to learn to consider others' needs and feelings.

I also think that children need to learn how to experience all their emotions and not be afraid when anger arises. They need to learn how not to stuff it down, not to blame others, but to feel it and own it and see how it passes. Adults need to learn this too.

We get to a point where we don't even know who we are anymore, if we can't feel angry or sad or something. We're given the notion that it's only okay to be a happy camper, and if you're not, that's aberrant and you must be cured of it. But that comes to a head at midlife, and we need to know that we're okay people even if we're lost or angry or grieving. We smile a lot here in the US, and are told to smile, to "fake it til you make it." If you smile it makes you feel better. But that pretty smile is a little tyranny of sorts. There's so much more to us!

How DARE women dream of being fulfilled and happy? How DARE we encourage them to pursue their dreams? How DARE we validate their perfectly valid feelings? How DARE we "give them permission" to live their own lives?

Why, you'd almost think women were actually human beings with a right to do what they want! We can't have that!

Nobody should be miserable, but this "I DESERVE to be happy" nonsense where it means upsetting the lives of husbands, children, family and friends is crazy especially where the "happy" is some sort of nebulous, unachievable idea that had more chance of becoming reality if it was pursued within a marriage. But that would require work and being responsible for one's own happiness, wouldn't it?

No, I actually do not believe anyone is a "human being with a right to do what they want" in a society based around the family unit. There is no "right" to it at all, it should be a goal and something to work towards. There are many things we would all like to do or not do but the law, morals, obligations and responsibilities should keep us on track. What sort of world would we live in otherwise? Can you imagine the mayhem? What were you not being allowed to do in your relationship that you wanted to do? Were you really not allowed or was this perceived control? What if we all just said "stuff this, I'm not sure but I think I could be happy elsewhere"? We have it too easy these days and we expect to be handed the world on a plate. Think of all those selfless heroes in WWI and WWII. Think of all those people coping with looking after elderly relatives now. Do they declare "I deserve to be happy" and drive off into the sunset in a convertible BMW? Thankfully not most of them.

Or does this "happy" state involve the giving up on the vows in order to chase or be chased by other people?

If you want to behave irresponsibly then fine but don't accumulate responsibilities beforehand.

Of course, abusive marriages are an entirely different matter and some marriages really should be ended. Here on this site however you will find the stories of husbands and wives left behind by partners who probably should never have been allowed to marry anyone. You will find heartbroken parents of children who are watching their world fall apart. Indeed, you will find the stories here and elsewhere of women going through MLC readily admitting that they have near perfect husbands and homes yet are still on the verge of leaving due to some "restless" feeling that they themselves accept is unexplainable. They are NOT being made miserable by their partners.

If you feel that marriage and children are likely to make you unhappy then don't get married in the first place. Otherwise accept that you will have to trade some aspects of freedom for other rewards.

Do I blame the government for spoiling my driving fun by imposing speed limits? Do I accuse them of “controlling” (a favourite term amongst the divorcing/divorced community) behaviour? No, I accept these boundaries in life and do not seek to place responsibility for my own happiness on others. Although I have to admit I now blame my wife for my unhappiness but she broke the boundaries, the marriage and the family.

How DARE anyone think of someone other then themselves? This thought that women get tired of caring for others and should start living for themselves is baffling. Sure, who could argue with living for yourself? Sounds reasonable. But does that have to mean casting aside the burdens of the life you've already made and I'm assuming entered into of your own free will? I don't understand how "finding yourself" means leaving your previous life behind. And it is nothing other than being selfish to assume you can live without any sacrifices and only in total pursuit of happiness. The sad part is it seems people going this route also seldom find what they're seeking, probably because they're so uncertain about what it is they truly want and need. Anyone does have a right to live as they see fit, but it's still important to treat others as you would want to be treated.

having felt this way and struggled with sacrificing this moralizing isn't especially a help, my mum divorced with an unfaithful spouse as did her mom. So your analysis fell flat for me. I've realized I could put aside my "self" no more, and if with another or with my spouse a "me' was there to make. You basically seem to be on such as surface level as to be irrelevant to the very things you bring up

This is what I am going through, partner of 15 yers and best freind and thought loving father of a thirteen year ol met e woman just before xmas has falling deeply ion love left, no contact with son son devastated all because he told him on leaving your mother has not made me happy, we were fine I thought, has to now follow hins heart and will not be coming back, son had a couple of texts in beginning and basically told dad if he truly loved him prove it. no contact since no letter, missed call if I had to speak to him didnt ask how son was or how we were doing O am in UK and weather bads here at the mpment. This guy has turned from a great freind and loving father in to a spiteful and mean b-----d. I wish I could change the situation but no contact or even trying to (iwould be around every night to tryand seee my child) I just dont know MLC is that just a label or and excuse. I was not always happy, had chances of flings etc but would never risk my family, I think you can do that later when kids not aroud to see. The good people out there try and make it work, at least we know we can sleep at night. Also no contact for my sone from his side of the family, I dont know wghat he has told them he could have said I was sleeping around but there should be a card or something for my son to say they will always be there for him if he needs anyone. By the way night I threw partner out for cheating did ask him later to stay to sort things out. My son rung his mum to ask t speak to his dad (but had gone for walk) guess what no returning phone call. What a family. Beggers beleif