The Silent Beginning of a Mid-Life Crisis

This brought me some tears. It's so true. Last winter I was in a state of realization that I had nothing of my own. The children take lots of attention and support. The husband is in need of a lot of love and consideration and I know it, and that puts me last. I don't need a massage or a facial--I need a me inside here.

"The withdrawal is an indication that the women is dealing with her "fight or flight" instinct....she has grown tired of the "fight" and is trying to squelch the "flight" instinct that she is continually feeling."

I've never thought withdrawal as flight but I can see that this is exactly what it is.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

This past week I noticed that I didn't want my husband to make any gestures of affection like the hugs and pats and the arm around the waste while I'm standing in the kitchen. I tried to avoid it. I even made gestures like dodging away suddenly. And it must have looked playful to him, but I meant it! I didn't want to be touched like that. In the past I've said, "Don't touch me," but he didn't seem to want to believe that I could possibly be offended by those little gestures of affection. And, I don't really understand it myself. What's wrong with me? We used to do those little things to, I guess, connect in a casual way. Now I'm withdrawing from it but he doesn't see that.

This is part of the silent beginning, I think. I've been in my midlife transition for a year now, and I guess it's not something that passes cleanly away. I'm still struggling with it. It's an "I love you and I hate you too" kind of feeling.

Logically, and judging from what I read in here, I ought to be so very thankful I have a loving spouse. Or should I? Should I force myself to think grateful thoughts, or should I speak only the truth? Or should I just keep my mouth shut to avoid giving any pain? I want to be left alone--is that so bad?

This woman's post is the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard or read. It's interesting that when a woman writes about a female "Mid-Life Crisis" it's completely sympathetic, and involves poorly-written rationalizations such as this post. So, the woman Earth Mother Gaia Goddess is "drowning", "fighting for her life", fleeing to "save herself", et cetera. When a man has a so-called Mid-Life Crisis, and strays or runs away he's called every sort of foul name, and he's referred to as childish, weak, and pathetic. The "Dorothy Syndrome"? Oh, my God, that's too funny. Thank you, though, for one of the biggest belly laughs I've had all week. I just love the politically correct, estrogen-infused, Oprah-ized, man-hating culture we live in nowadays. There's literally no sympathy at all on the part of women for men who are suffering, scared, and unhappy. Look at the post from "Lisa". She calls her loathing and rejection of her husband a mid-life "transition". I love the way women sanitize their speech when talking about their own neuroses, illnesses, and contemplation of greener pastures out in the world.

By the way...What's with...all the...periods...in your...post?

I'm just sayin...

Okay. It's just started to be clear to me how a description of my struggle gets taken as an indictment of the other person in the relationship.

Or, it can even begin to look like marriage is hopeless, if Venus' path moves far out of Mars' path. What do we have in common after that?

But I think the real enemy is a kind of a specter. It's the ghostly hovering expectations of what and who we thought we were supposed to be, based on models we were shown.

Even the models are not to blame! The good wife, the good husband, the good family...we looked at them in cross-section from time to time, and only on the surface, never realizing that every couple has problems and over the long run it's not always lovely to be married.

The specter is that when we were young, we thought we'd be different. We thought we could have that shiny model marriage. So I, as a wife, tried to act like the good wife, never dreaming that I shouldn't have to act like anything. And, maybe this is just me but I made a promise when I was a kid and I have to stick to it, even though I have so many thoughts I am not permitted to say out loud, according to my own rules.

So, blame and bitterness can't stick. Only a search for understanding and a light on what a good next action might be.

I'm just saying, too...And asking.

Actually, my wife and I are very, very happy together (for over 12 years now), and, because of that, I admit, we're almost universally loathed. When we were younger, though, we had no troubles with other people around our age. Now, we're both over 40, we both look at least 10 years younger than our ages, we're both thin and in great physical shape, we have no large debts such as a huge, ridiculous mortgage, we have no children and we're EXTREMELY thankful for that. Kids ruin your life. We have no responsibilities to anyone but each other, and we love it. We're constantly laughing, we spend all our time together, we think almost everyone else in society is a fat, lazy, over-indulgent, frightened, miserable moron who blindly followed the rest of the herd like a brainless automaton wildebeest, without thinking about what life would be like if they actually did what they wanted to do. We're totally free. My wife's brother, who is a cocaine abusing alcoholic and habitual aldulterer with a wife and two kids he hates, recently threatened me physically because my wife and I were at a wedding smiling at each other and hugging briefly, and he happened to see it from across the room (no kidding...that's all we did). He was drunk, and totally out of control, as usual, and trying unsuccessfully to pick up another wedding guest who was about half his age.

Listen, believe it or not, I have great sympathy for people who are so unhappy. But, I'm really getting tired of shrill, angry women who just HAD to have a husband, kids, and a house by the time they turned 30, and then, at 40, they find themselves fat and unhappy, and hating their husbands. It's not necessarily his fault, you know? It boils down to this: Stay young, stay thin, don't have children, don't participate in our country's useless consumer culture, avoid debt, and try to laugh a lot at the world, life, and the idiocy therein. Believe me, jokes work. Otherwise, from everything I've ever seen in my 45 years, you're just going to end up overweight, miserably unhappy, sexless, and divorced.

If so, this is a good place for you. People are doing all sorts of things you don't agree with. I am too. You probably wouldn't like my big butt, either.

I'm glad you're happily married and the two of you agree on who's worse than you. It gives me hope.

Lady, you're obviously looking for someone to dump on. I knew you were overweight, even though it's hard to see you in your very small photo.

Actually, honestly, I don't wish to engage anyone in anything. My original post was simply a comment on the moronic fairy tale fantasy post which started this thread. The woman who wrote it sounds, literally, like a delusional crazy person. She's talking about "Oz", and "Dorothy", and the lion, and all the rest of it. And, she means it. She really thinks the world is like this. It's actually frightening that such disturbed and ignorant people are walking around in society. True, I mentioned you in my first post, because you sound like every other angry, man-hating married woman I ever heard. You sound like a dishonest and unfair person who seems to want to hate your husband with impunity, and have us all agree that, yes, men are evil and unfeeling scumbags. Well, as a reader of this forum, I have my doubts about a lot of the bullshit people post here, because it's always the same "I'm grossly unhappy, and it's all his/her fault." Please, for your own sake, cut the shit. You probably were the sole architect of your own miserable and unhappy life, and you should admit that, I think.

As far as my supposedly disagreeing with what other people do, actually, I couldn't take the time to give a shit, really. What other people do doesn't interest me in the least. Most people are stupid, religious, obese, whiny jerkoffs, who take no responsibility for their own troubles while they max out their credit cards buying crap they don't need. I may notice these things and comment on them, which is my right, but I don't really care at all what you or anyone else does with his or her life.

Glad I could give you hope, though. You sound like you need all you can get. It's a shame.

If you are so happily married, living such a wonderful and perfect, childless life, why are you commenting on Mid-Life Crisis threads and taking pot shots at someone who is searching for answers?

You, my anonymous friend are a coward and have no clue!. The fact that you can comment so strongly on my article and then attack another LifeTwo member with such ridicule and anger is NOT the demonstration of any honorable man that I have ever met. Go ahead and be so judgemental of others...you are a liar when you state that you have great sympathy for those who are unhappy, for if you understood the dynamic of how MLC in men AND women destroys marriages, breaks up families and damages children, you would not be so critical of what I write, speak and coach on. I would dismiss your uninformed, misguided, overly critical and similiarly woman-hating bashing of what I have written, but you have taken it upon yourself to attack a reader that actually might find help in what I have written and the extensive research I have done on this topic. Take your pompous, judgemental, angry comments elsewhere...YOU are helping no one!

I would just like to say i think that what you have said about people that chat on this site is disgusting children are a wonderful thing to have created and i am so grateful i have them i also have a fantastic marriage i have still got this marriage because a lot of people on this site listen to me and gave me great advice we cant all be peter perfects which obviously you are. Also you have got a hang up on fat people which im sorry in this day and age is very sad fat people can also be very fit. i am fat because i am on steroids for an illness does that make me a bad person? should i stop taking my meds get thin again then, but oops i will be dead so what would you say i should do . i personaly think you should think before you say things cause you make yourself sound a complete arse. and when you are old sitting at home on your own think of us with our children and grandchildren and who will be missing out then.

I am going to take the sweetheart message out of your post, and say I respect that you seem to have a caring heart, couched in all that violent, negative talk.

I'm not here to defend myself against you, and the problem with what we're doing here is that LifeTwo is a wonderful forum and if we start an ugly exchange, it hurts the forum. So I must withdraw from responding to you. I shouldn't have started.

I care about the people at LifeTwo who are undergoing midlife crises and like you I know there are people who have been hurt by spouses undergoing MLC and I want to speak with them too.

It doesn't sound like you're dealing with a MLC. If you were, or had dealt with it, you'd have more empathy. So, while it's kind of interesting to see how we look from the outside, speaking for myself I don't have time or energy for old fashioned tear-downs. And your judgment only means anything to you. Please keep it.

I didn't say I was fat. I said I had a big butt.

I'm not defending it, it's just that a percentage of women of Western European extraction have wide hips and big butts and strong legs.

I used to think I was defective because I didn't have very nice bodily proportions, and I've worked through that issue and have appreciation for my good health, strength and ability to heal. It's wonderful to appreciate these things while I still have them, as I understand they might be gone one day.

Now that I have that insight, I work hard to see other people, with all their flaws and signs of aging and whatever their habits have done to them, for the life that is in them. Everyone has a gift and I'm trying hard to exchange my old, cold way of thinking for a more loving one. And I'm trying to move through this crisis in my life with self-respect and willingness. But I get angry and I look for answers, and I'm changing and I'm sick of the Dr. Laura proscription. (Not dogging her. I like her a lot.)

The Dorothy story is a wonderful metaphor and I look to it for creative inspiration. I don't want to trash my husband, but I resent marriage in particular and I want to be free. It's a huge problem and I want to be there for others who are trying to cope too.

His words are bitter, harsh and puzzling (what does thinness have to do with anything?) but i do think he has a point about the "Dorothy Syndrome" claptrap. I don't think this leads anyone towards addressing any issue that may be troubling their life or marriage. It's inane and insulting really. This dumbs down what could be a very helpful forum. What purports to be "help" is actually repackaged psychobabble brought down to the lowest common denomoinator. Fog when people need clarity. A lot of people are dealing with some very sad struggles, some better than others. Honesty and straightfowardness, I think, is perhaps the most effective way out. People will gladly buy into any diversion to avoid looking squarely at their lives and facing themselves. Some will pay money because it's better than living with themselves. I wonder how many subscribers to this "Dorothy Syndrome" actually progress through their troubles and emerge healthy. My guess is that it becomes another seat on the carousel. Today it's Dorothy,Oz and the Crystal Ball. (This has got to be a joke!)Tomorrow it's another quack theory. Or maybe Ophrah has the answers, or Dr. Phil, maybe an affair, maybe the comfort of another dysfunctional soul...around, and around and around. They never get off and the people who profit are the snake oil merchants who churn out books and sell tickets to their forums. Meanwhile time goes on, the only thing that changes are the seasons. People get older, no clarity, never healthy. It becomes their life. I talked recently with my ex-wife, who walked out five years ago because I was not making her happy. She deserved to be happy. It was all about her. We had large house, affluent community, friends, travel and well into upper middle class. I was a "modern" husband who shared childrearing, domestic work and so on. She found a wretched friend, someone she happened to meet a a women's meditation group. This woman - unemployed, substance abuser, miserably married but stays because husband bankrolls her lifestyle - spouted some Dorothy Syndrome-esque philosphy and gave her books. My wife ate it up. Now, my wife had something to cling to. There was no reason to do any work. Her new psychobabble concept, she thought, explained and normalized her being selfish, ungrateful and hungering for "more" eventhough she had no idea what it was that she wanted. (That was another of my faults - she blamed me for knowing what she wanted.) It was all okay now, and perfectly excusable, because SHE was the one suffering. The world should understand. At 43, she had two affairs, internet liasons before the divorce was even finalized. In the aftermath, I struggled but did manage to assess my life and lessons learned and then moved on. With my wife, it's as if our breakup happened last week. (I had to see her to discuss finances for our son's college tuition.) She is the same person, only now more harshly convinced that rotten behavior in a marriage and self-pity is quite normal. It's like she's locked in time. Now she's part of a confederacy of disappointed women who have blown up their marriages. Rather than face truth, they cuddle up with their delusional thinking.Stupid and Sad.

Just a thought: Everyone is entitled to opinions but I think you put your site's credibility at risk by allowing professionals" contribute theories that insult people's intelligence. This talk about Oz and Dorothy and Auntie Em is a new low. The theory has just barely enough substance to sound authentic and then mixes in an annoying amount of silliness and blather. It's one thing if a poster offers up a discussion/explanation or just muses out loud and i know all of this is subjective but to have "professionals" trumpet nonsense can delude more people than it helps. It's like reading a late night infomercial. Imagery is a wonderful literary tool and can work when used well. And the actual Wizard of Oz book is a wonderful story with meanings on many different levels but its use here is spacey and plain ridiculous. How can a person contemplating mlc or a spouse about to see his/her family torn up take this seriously? I could be missing something. Granted it may be over my head. I'm not a dour person and do like to laugh at life. I'm going through a very awful patch in my marriage but this did crack me up. I think what gets me is that the coach here seems to be so serious and earnest, yet the way she conveys the message is hilarious. It's the funniest thing I've read. My wife has an emotional relationship with a neighbor, a woman, and is also sleeping with a guy at work. I picture her in bed with this guy and calling out to Auntie Em because her cup is not full and there there are lions, tigers and bears looking outside the window. It cracks me up.

I regret that you have missed my point with using this metaphor...but it has worked for many people... several women and men that I have coached...it may be simplistic and humorous to some of you who are in the midst of dealing with a wife or husband in MLC or the aftermath of this damaging and distructive season of your life. When I wrote this article or use this metaphor it was in an attempt to give a person who is confused, frustrated and most times suffering from an inablity to connect the dots to relate to something...see the similiarities...put their circumstance in another perspective or context. Since women seem to relate to this story more than probably men...it does speak to them...they do see themselves as Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road trying to get home. The thing is "home" is not her physical home it the "home" that lies within her and no matter how hard you try to tell her how to get there, she must figure out how to get there on her own...she has always had the power, she just had to learn the lessons first. The horrible result of this IS the fact that marriage, families and children are hurt beyond repair. My soul purpose of using this metaphor was to show women and men what is going on, to see where they are going, what is happening with a story that they could relate with and maybe even consider. The metaphor in this instance is not completely developed and apparently loses its meaning when not thoroughly explained...this may be why is appears laughable. NOTE to self: Don't use this metaphor unless it is fully explained, otherwise it seems simplistic and stupid. Word pictures and metaphors are one the best way of teaching and advising. If this metaphor does not ring true for you...have your chuckle, dismiss it as blather and move on and find the type of articles that speak to you and will utlimately bring you the help that you need.

Before you make a decision on my ability to present this in this way or in any way, I invite you to at least go to the forum and read other articles, comments and threads that are there and even check out the other web sites that I write at and other forums that I moderate.

I appreciate your comments and I have always known that everyone that reads my articles will not agree or see their worth...in this case, I am not writing for you. When writing or speaking, the reader or listener must have the eyes to see and ears to hear...maybe the use of this metaphor is over some readers head or maybe they are just not ready to appreciate it. At least, I have given you a laugh, which was not my original intent...yet in the end I do have many others who have expressed to me how much this approach has worked for them...it has served a purpose. These appreciative comments are more important to me...the one's that tell me that I have helped, maybe even eased the pain...given a perspective that they hadn't considered. I am writing for them...not you.

If it doesn't work for you...it doesn't work for you...find one that does work!

PS: Beleive it or not...I am a SAHM, who is a free-lance writer, researcher, recently navigated the MLC Yellow Brick Road myself and was able to keep my marriage and family intact...I just created the forum for women because the other forum that I moderate at was taken over by the men and the women no longer had a venue to dicuss what was going on with them. I am present at both these forums, Women In MLC and Path Partners as a volunteer...I do NOT get paid for my time or any coaching that I give....The degree I earned is a degree in Professional and Organizational Communication...I served in the Navy for 16 years as a Public Affairs Specialist and Broadcaster. I am the mother of five and have been married 21 years. If my experiences in these categories makes me a professional than, by golly I'll take it! My true reason for writing on this topic is to help the very same people who have criticized me here and to possibly help those who may go through this in the future. Maybe if there had been a forum or a web site that your wives could have gone to way back when they first started to feel the rumblings of MLC...maybe she wouldn't be where she is today. She would not get permission from me to betray her marriage, her children...her life as she has known it. Read the "The MLC Bradley Method".

I understand your purpose, I think, but my ex-Dorothy was the witch and there was no Auntie Em or stupid crystal ball. She was/is a foul person. From what I've seen, there's a growing industry of hucksters who manufacture pop theories that comfortably allow people to screw others with impunity and without conscience. You take a dysfunction, slap a label on it, and a person feels comfortable because they're no longer the jerk, the cheat or the selfih liar. They're victims you see. It's not them, it's the Dorothy Syndrome. Victimhood absolves responsibility and allows them to blame. Victimhood defines them. It's an American sport. They've found a place,a person who tells them evrything's alright. And they're deserving of sympathy because they are suffering so much and trying so hard to come home and the world is such a big mean place and how can anyone expects sanity from Dorothy because she has lost herself in her role as a mom, a wife. Give me a break. Ozland is a comfortable place people can go to wallow in self pity and blame and never grow up. I wonder how close your confused, frustrated "victim" is to connecting the dots. My guess is that she will stay locked in Oz a good number of years. It becomes normal - it's soothing, non-threatening and populated by enablers. Most people selfishly locked in mlc probably gravitate towards the easiest destination. Oz is as easy as it gets. The one thing that saved me from disaster was a therapist who leveled with me as if I were an adult. No silliness about Oz - a clear discussion, which allowed me to disengage from Dorothy before she crashes and burns. She is still in Oz. As always, her not happy life is someone else's fault.

BTW: It's also counterproductive when you smugly make distinctions between what men can understand versus a women. It's divisive.

Your counter criticism is recognized...noted.....you don't like what I have done here. You find it simplistic, fluff that gives permission to women to do whatever they want with little consecquence. You couldn't be further from the truth, but no matter how much time I spend here trying to defend my writing you will dismiss it as crap. But...In no way shape or form do I enable the women to act out in MLC or give permission to go off and have affairs, betray their marriage vows...abandon their children...ask the men at Path Partners...they will tell you that I am even tougher than they are on the women who come there saying that they are doing this. Everything you stated in your comment is exactly what I speak to in my book (which hasn't been released yet, I guess you won't buy it)....and in essence you are preaching to the choir here...I would agree on most of your points. I was not intending to be smug in my comments about what men can understand and what women can...but many times on this issue it is divisive...that is why it is frustarting, infuriating and painful. You have made my point exactly...many Dorothy's do not return from OZ...they don't navigate the Yellow Brick Road, they are tricked by the man behind curtain and are attacked by flying monkeys and in the end The Wicked Witch does get the little pretty and her little dog too.

PS: Have you read my commentary on "Dreaming of Divorce and Happily Mariied"? In that you will see where I am coming from...I actually side with the men in the majority of occasions and strongly disagree with this Oprah Magazine author who wants to make all this stuff okay and politically correct.

I have to constantly "tell" myself that I should be thankful, because...well...I should be, however I would rather just be left alone at times. Most of the time I'm thinking, reflecting and concentrating on my voice within and who wants someone "loving" and "grabbing" on you when your in that state of mind????

I feel this way, but I know I must "come out of it" for his sake and for "our" sake or I might be damaging our relationship or what will be left of it months from now or years from now.

I'd like to know too if "I want to be left alone--is that so bad?" too. I guess i choose not to say it aloud in fear of the you might get what you ask for and then some.

If I could animate the clap in here I would. Hats off to you on many points. If someone soooooooo strongly disagrees with Shepherdess's metaphor or the way she makes herself available to help others who have "lost their way", why don't you just start a NEW blog, SEPARATE from this one, so other's who feel as you do can comment and agree/disagree with your philosophies????? I mean it really doesn't produce anything good knocking down someone who is obviously trying to help or someone expressing a feeling by penning the thoughts that go on their head, trying to spare their ever loving spouses unnecessary grief and sadness. It in no way, in my opinion, produces a positive, which it seems you would have loved to have had happen in your relationships.

Those who have "perfect", "wonderful", "glorious" marriages....I salute you! Congratulations!!!!!!!! You are the minority!!! This prob. isn't the forum for you...we would all just make you sick hearing about all our woes and what not. If your marriage suffered a divorce/separation and you think this is all fluff and excuses then this prob. isn't the forum for you either....you're prob. still bitter and haven't fully healed from it as of yet and so to relive it through posts of other women who are TRYING (that's the key word!) to fig. things out, TRYING to find their way and TRYING TRYING TRYING anything that will help them keep what they have and still discover and find out who they are in the process...well that might be too much for you and by you tearing down ANY hope of our healing process is just non beneficial.

So claps to Shepherdess for putting herself out there for others and I'm sorry you had such a crap load of complaints. All you can do is keep on keeping on.

I have my image and my name on what I write. Step up and put a name on yourselves, why don't you. It's not dangerous, and it's just kinda funny how people want to say some of these things and be anonymous. There are two kinds of posters on forums; those who just want to see their words online, and those who want to connect and find insight. What kind are you?

"I'd like to know too if "I want to be left alone--is that so bad?" too. I guess i choose not to say it aloud in fear of the you might get what you ask for and then some."

Yes, exactly. It's why I'm so afraid to say what I really think. It would come out like, "Don't touch me, but don't go away, but don't expect me to love you, but don't stop loving me."

Someone would have to be a saint to put up with that, and last time I looked there were no saints around here. So I have to look to myself to change, but in the mean time, yikes.

Thanks for standing up and speaking out!

+1mark542 hours, 2 minutes agopermalinkHi

Originally posted on Wome in MLC forum

Shepherdess.....(I like to use periods, too!) Well, you got blasted pretty good on LifeTwo, but clearly the guy was just venting, and presumed you to be another pop/fluff female apologist. I considered responding to his post, but I think you defended yourself quite admirably, so I'll post this here instead.

I can somewhat relate to this guy's anger and initial negative reaction. When I first stumbled across your Dorothy site, my first thought was "Great, another cute pseudo-psych excuse for bad behavior. POOR LOST DOROTHY." You know my story well enough by now......I was confused, sad, angry, and totally befuddled by my W's seemingly bizarre behavior, and I had already seen way too many articles like the one you posted from Oprah.

Still, there was something very intriguing about the whole OZ metaphor, so I stuck with it and actually started to explore your site, and read your posts. And the more I read, and the more I compared your insights to my own experience, the more I began to appreciate the Dorothy/Oz comparison. My own W, before she began to isolate herself completely, tried to express her total, overwhelming confusion....."what is happening to me?" I could sense her anxiety and her panic, but when I tried to talk to her, she would just become agitated and irritated, and could never explain exactly what was going on in her head. After learning more about MLC's, it is clear to me now that she was stuck in what you have eloquently described as a "vortex," a whirlwind of emotions..... suppressed anger, frustration, fear..... all jumbled together by hormonal and life changes. Chaos and confusion, spinning out of control.....Dorothy in her tornado.....the metaphor is perfect, and finally I started to understand what had happened to my own Dorothy.

The rest of it....the search for heart, and courage, and wisdom.... also works beautifully as it applies to my Dorothy. Once she had been lifted off, and had separated herself emotionally from me and our family, she began to express this irresistable urge to go "find herself." It became her obsession really, changing her looks, trying on new personas, distancing herself from anything that was remotely connected with her "old self." I can only describe it as her "quest", a quest much like Dorothy's, in a very strange place, with all comforting assumptions left behind. She finally left Kansas for good.

Oz is a very enticing place, I have learned. It is interesting to note that like Kansas to Dorothy, my W's old life had become dull and drab.....black and white and gray. But OZ.....the moment she landed there it was all in glorious technicolor! It is all so new and exciting and full of possibilities! Monkeys can fly and trees can talk! She is free to dance with the scarecrow and sing with the tinman. It is all so wonderful!

My Kansas cannot compete with OZ.

I could go on, Shepherdess, but this is your metaphor, not mine. And it is a good one.....a very good one. Don't let the critics deter you. Continue in your research, continue sharing you thoughts. The Dorothy concept is still in its early stages, but it will get even better as you refine it, and redefine it. Keep going, Girl!... you're doing great things here to help people, and the OZ concept is your divine inspiration.

Mark54

You should also include a word or two about the sewer that runs through OZ. It's deep and populated by an odious tribe of losers who have copped out on healthy living. They thrive on bringing more people into their misery - wives, husbands. They encourage spouses to think about themselves, only themselves, do whatever it takes, affairs aren't bad if they make you happy, integrity is for suckers. There was a moment when my ex may have walked away from Oz but she fell into this sewer. These losers practically smothered her with phone calls, text msgs, nights on the town. From nowehere come these guys,vermin really. It's no mystery what they're up to. Everyone is divorced, dysfunctional and negative. They're just loathsome people. My wex defended them. She said, "We take care of each other." This was an education for me. These people are scum. They can't resolve their issues so they infect someone else's life. It's like a club of misery. Granted, my ex did make a choice. The big question I tried to get her to ask herself was: What next? This co-dependent freak show has to get old at some point. maybe not. She's 45, nice looking but age is starting to show. She had a nice home. That's gone. OKay job but now she has to work like a dog because she's on her own. She's done things to suggest she has no self esteem. She will date and continue sleeping around. But that's can't last. The sleazebags are always looking for someone else's wife, a younger, slimmer model. What happpens to Dorothy then? The ending to all of this is so obvious. I can write it now.

Your wife's plunge into OZ sounds like my wife to a T. She did leave Kansas, for good. She met plenty of flying monkeys and talking trees that told her she could have a good time, and the happiness she was entitled to, if she just left the marriage and came along with them. It was as simple as that. She told me plainly that the purpose of her life in the world was "to be happy and have fun." This is a 43 year old woman. It tried very hard to see the techniclor utopia but I couldn't. What I see is the real world that we all have to come to terms with, and grow. My wife will never find that Oz is truly a mirage. Boyfriend, new car, new wardrobe, hairstyle, eyewear, internet swine - none of that will make Oz real. When the mirage evaporates you are left with yourself and that is an empty place for the seekers. BTW: Your metaphor sounds fanciful at first. There is a penetrating, precise truth in it after one think's about it. I think one has to have lived through it to connect. k

My ex didn't fall in with the lot you describe, but the result was the same. She works in an industry that is mostly populated with youngsters...20's and early 30's...and when her MLC kicked in, she just loved getting attention from all those cute young guys. I have nothing against the guys...I was 20 once, and a willing, attractive woman was always fair game regardless of her age. The sad thing is that while this is all so new and exciting for her now, it really is totally meaningless. These guys have no desire to actually DATE my 53 year old ex, regardless of how great she looks. It's not like they can take a woman home to meet the family who is older than Mom is! No, this is all about casual, easy sex, just like it was when we were young. And that, apparently is exactly what she wants! It's just sad to see this happen to someone who used to be a really fine woman.

You hit the nail on the head when you said this was all about self-esteem. At some deep level, my ex (and maybe yours) is feeling old and unatractive, and the clock is ticking very loudly. This is her way of feeling younger again..."see the boys still think I'm hot!" The outcome to all of this is, as you said, obvious. In a few years my Dorothy is going to look really silly in that polka-dot pinafore. The munchkins won't be hanging around anymore, and she will get old whether she wants to or not. By then, sadly, nothing can be done. My kids, (now in their late teens) will be gone, and I, most likely, will have moved on to a new life. That is what makes this whole MLC nightmare such an awful tragedy.

Mark54

Why can't Dorothy see the endgame? Anyone can probably look around and see the casualties. Divorced men and women who left Earth for Oz and 5,10-,15 years later they've become flotsam. Older, tired, cynical and not very pleasant people. I know one woman, a neighbor, who left her husband to "live." She frets over a 15-year-old cat and fancies herself a birdwatcher. She's also become the biggest in the hemisphere. Her husband got blown out of the water by her actions but recovered and now runs a tennis school. My wife's search for fun and happiness has taken her into the orbit of about a half dozen other people- men and women - who have done the same thing. One woman has become my wife's "Best Friend." They're on the phone at least twice a day to each other. The woman's life is a wreck. My wife has essentially found an expression for some kind of weird co-dependency. My wife fixes her. This woman is 56. Go figure. Our daughter - we have joint custody - calls the woman a "sponge." Talk about young insight. She's 12 and can see what a loser this woman is. But my wife cannot live without her. Her other new crowd are the younger "girls", half her age, in the office where she works. My wife is an attorney and works in an office with other lawyers and MBA's. She chooses the "girls" for easons I don't know. Perhaps they make her feel good about herself. They convinced her to post her picture, full cleavage, and bio on the internet. She's stuffed herself into a sweater a couple of sizes too small and heaved up her breasts. In it, she remarks that she wants a man "who sees the glass as half full instead of half empty" and is interested in "erotic sex." This is no joke. I joked that it was her recruitment poster: "Middle-age woman in heat, wants you." She is co-head of the Sunday School committee and begged me not to tell our friends because it's private. "Private? You had it on the internet Einstein." Oz is really strange and works according to a different logic. These people socialize, drink, have dinner, lunch together. The share their redundant, self-manufactured problems and then cast blame. They are more intelligent than anyone else. They're either in a tryst with some other loser or angry because the one they just left didn't work out. Someobeody's alwasy doing somethng to them. And there's always a new trick. My wife is a devotee of weight watchers now. She believes she can make the first string if she cuts the calories. Then she'll really have it made. That's the while thing in a nutshell, I guess. There's is always something else, something external and superficial, that will make everything alright. There must be a sequel to OZ or do you just stay.

Frightening reading your post and the couple prior to that. I think the Dorothy theory is onto something. I worked in offices like your wifes. The good times dont last. It'a casual sex and a good laugh for the guys until the woman gets serious or boring. My second job is a downtown restaurant with a nice bar. Ever Friday, these "couples" are part of there. The young guy and the obviously older woman. They're actually clinging to these boyos. I've been at the bar 11 years. It's never changes. The guy moves on - becasue there are absolutely tons of women in this state, easy pickings if you got the stomach for it - and the woman gets dumped. She picks herself up and goes lower on the food chain. My wife is now one of these Dorothy's. In our final counseling session, a waste of money, she broke down crying. She said she feared that she would end up single and alone and broke and didn't know whats she was doing but felt she had to get a divorce because she had to do this. Mind you, she would never take one step to start the divorce process. We were in limbo. The very next week, she went out drinking after work. It was somebody's birthday party. Birthday boy is all of 30. She could barely say the words without slurring. Dorothy's are disgustingly delusional people and will take you down in a New York minute. I knew where this was heading. A week later I told her that she should prepare to move out of the house and gave her a list of apartment listings. She had two friends, a man and a woman from who knows where - maybe Hell - help her move. Meanwhile, I filed divorce papers. Dorothy is about to leap off a cliff and she will do so without me. P.S. This Dorothy Blog is one of the most interestting ones on the site. Good stuff.

To respond to "There must be a sequel to OZ or do they just stay there?" Absolutely, some do take up residence in The Emerald CIty! They truly believe in the fantasy and they refuse to do the work that needs to get done...they even miss the audience with The WIZ to get their task to prove their worthiness so he will help her. They just settle in with all the other residents of The Emerald CIty...all the other women or men who are divorcing and are divorced for the same reasons that your wife has spewed out at you. Some women don't even make it to the Emerald City...they fall alseep in the Poppy Field...life becomes good again in their minds...they may even return or stay in the home, but several months or years down the road the same things that were rationalized in to excuses will rear their ugly head again...Dorothy has woken up...she is back on the Yellow Brick Road with a vengence...this time if she doesn't do the work, fulfill the tasks of working on herself, unpacking all the life baggage and dealing with her issues THIS is when Dorothy takes up permenant residence in The Emerald City.

The Sequel to the OZ story depends on whether or not Dorothy is ready to take on the task of killing the witch and getting her broom and fighting off the flying monkeys of her life, seeing that the Wiz is only a man pulling levers behind a curtain (The OM's are only smoke and mirrors), and that she must find her brain, heart and courage...then and only then will she know that she always had the power to go home. Seeing a women clicking her heels is an amazing sight, while those who remain stuck in OZ...well, that is a horse of a different color.

By the Way: Men can be a Dorothy too!