What I've learned from my wife's midlife crisis

Wow, I had to copy that and save it for later… did your problems actually start when your child was diagnosed with the illness? Were you working too much before? I just question that it all started at that point. I mean that was quite an issue in itself but any logical person could see what was going on. I say this because, I am, I think, ha ha, almost 36, I tried to stop at 29, lol, I look very young for my age, well, until last year anyway. My daughter’s back was hurting and I took her to doctor after doctor, they gave her muscle relaxers, pain meds, whatever, but I knew something bad was wrong, and they all, along with my husband made me feel like a hypochondriac. But it came down to one day I took her to an orthopedic surgeon, it just popped into my head one day and I, unlike me, called daily until they had a cancelation, she was in the next day, she was scheduled for tests a month away, I called a hospital on my own and scheduled the test the next day, I wasn’t playing, I knew something was wrong! She had tumors in most of her torso, she has a very rare cancer, no one has ever even lived to her stage in this cancer (the last stage 4) they diagnosed her on my birthday, November 6th of 2007, I knew before they told us and even told them the stage she was in, they agreed. She began a harsh, very harsh, the 3 most toxic chemos that are out there, (BEP- p= cisplatin) for those that know… after 4 rounds of 3 days each some kids go deaf, she had 6 rounds at 5 days each! Every third week she was in the hospital for 5 days at the time. I never left her alone, but once, for about an hour. She just turned 17 in June, a miracle, as they told us that they hoped this would work and later I found out if we had of not found it when we did, she would have died in less than two months, since it was in major organs. She has been through pure h_ll! If anyone has watched the Bucket List, that showed so little of what they go through but still… it was so sad as my child went through worse! She could not even walk by the end of last year and now she can. Her lumbar was shells filled with tumors and it collapsed upon itself, the tumors poked out and touched her spinal cord and nerves that send horrible pain down her legs…. Ok…. That is all I will say on that… now what happened with me….. I am NOT a crier!! Not in the least, I am a tough girl! I could not stop crying, and my husband… well he took care of that, he yelled at me, told me I was stupid and that this was about her not me… this was my baby!!!!! Now while I was taking her to doctors the summer of 2007 he lost his job, guess what, I told him it was coming… he told me no way!! For the next 6 months he played, he says he worked where he could but he was offered so many opportunities, it was unreal… he played, had his friends and talked to them constantly on his cell phone, our cell phone bill was close to $2,000.00 that November, I talked them out of it, but that is how much he had so many people behind him. And yes, I read some of the texts and kept records of the calls and found out the women he talked to the most. He denies it all, anything at all, but even before our daughter was sick, he was blocking me out of his life…. I knew I was on my own, I had no one… I had to deal with this, my daughter was pretty much dead and I had two other boys. I dealt with it alright, I totally pushed him out of my life, he was nothing to me, an obstacle, an item full of pain and horror.. no matter how much he cleaned, helped around the house, was gone, whatever, I could care less if I ever saw him again. I was moving on with my life, I saw where he stood, and it wasn’t beside me! I realized he had NEVER EVER been there for me when I needed anyone! I was always right there for him, telling him he could do anything, writing business plans, whatever he needed! I stayed with him because I didn’t want my kids to suffer any more than they had, then he started to abuse her verbally, that was too much for me, I mean I had dealt with it for years, but not her, no, I protected my kids no matter what! It was over… I told him I never wanted to cross paths with him again… he begged… he pleaded… he realized once his father passed away at a very young age and I was in the hospital with our daughter, he was at the funeral alone with our boys… that was his turning point… it had been over six months since he pretty much deserted me and then in December… he was all sorry about it… I was over him by then…. I gave him ONE task!!! To get a marriage counselor… did he do it? No, he put it back in my lap… I wasn’t the one that wanted the marriage, I told him there was no way I could get past the things he had done and said to me on my own…. Did I call? Heck no, I gave him ONE task!!! ONE!!!! And it has almost been a year, has he done it yet….. NO!!!! I am in the process of looking for a good attorney… I will not live this life, this lie any longer! He speaks of how he does and does…. I’m glad, in his mind, he can make himself seem sooooo good… is that what you are doing? I would never abandon my kids though, I have fussed at them when I was upset over him, but they know and understand because I make sure they do, and no, I don’t tell them bad things about their father, I want them to have a good relationship with him, like I did my dad, but I will NOT have them believe the lies and stupidity that him and his family put upon me! I have never done anything wrong… I often say.. I should do something really bad to make up for my being so good and getting this life in return… I haven’t yet…. Good thing I am kind of germ crazy,,, lol…. But something will have to be done… I will not keep living like this, getting accused and lied to daily as I take care of my children.. it is quite stupid to live this way!! I confront him, I ask in a nice voice about things and he totally blows up and manipulates the conversation jumping from one subject to the next, I can’t get out a full thought… it’s just stupid! He goes on and on and contradicts himself constantly… I have just started laughing… since it is just so stupid!! There is no reason to bring up anything as it will always come back to what a horrid person I am and things I have NEVER done! He thinks what he does is scaring me into staying with him… it’s not…. I want out… I want love, I am a beautiful and pretty good-looking person, I won’t live like this!! Why should I????

I did want to say that if you are truly sincere... I did not mean the previous as a cut down, really just a realization... I would love to hear your wife's story... it is always hard to give advice with one side... you want to make the person feel better but then again, not encourage their wrongful behavior, if you understand... I hope for you the best, your family, your son. I know what it feels like to have hell on earth and have no one on your side... it isn't pleasant... especially when your husband makes you out to be a person that you are truly not... total lies to make himself look better... it is really sad...

What was she doing all that time on the computer, was she looking up health info for your son.. I know that is all I did, I didn't read my email, nothing... I didn't hardly speak to anyone, I was in total shock and so alone! I took my laptop to the hospital... when I wasn't doing for my daughter or helping her to the bathroom, I was trying to find something that would help her. My knowledge and questions and ideas drew me very close to the doctor, to whom I actually miss having someone in my life to have "real" intelligent conversations with, he was a great guy and was true to his wife and daughter and I admire him for that. It goes back to the first message being happy with what you have... I have no idea why my husband would be unhappy with me... I did all I could and never gave him any reason to even think I would cheat on him and was only there by his side to help him through life, but what did he do the one or MAIN time I needed him most???!!! Abuse me... do you think that is what I deserved? I'll tell you... NO it wasn't... I am a proud individual, but I needed someone, I needed my husband.... a husband more than I think I will ever again... what does that change? His excuse of how that was how he coped with the issues... no that didn't help me one little bit! He abandoned me... but I am stronger now that he could even guess... We still live together but I find things out little by little that do not fit in my “ideal.” Lie after lie, how can you trust, with no trust, there is no marriage… that is how I feel, you have to be able to think he can go on a business trip and come back to you and not give you some type of disease… trust is very important… honesty is so important, I think one of the most important things is just being friends and actually enjoying each other’s company and being able to talk and really, can you see yourself old with this person… that is so important…. I mean… I may look good now… what will I look like in 40-50 years? If I live that long…. Do I have a relationship that will build upon itself…. That is a good question…. I don’t right now… I think he could… I guess, just not with me…. We have been together since I was 15 years old… I wasn’t pregnant, (I have to say that) but we got married 6 days after I turned 17…. Wow!!! Can you imagine… my daughter just turned 17….. there is no way in H_ll she could even think about that…. It was so different back then…. I graduated when I was 15, then went to business college… then got married…. I had so much potential… and even married, if I had of not married a control freak and his mother…. Where would I be now??? Who knows… it could have been good… it could have been bad… I can’t look back…. I have to move forward… Who knows what will happen with my daughter, she is on an experimental treatment and she is in remission, which is just a total miracle!! They didn’t think she would get here! She is one strong, smart, funny, beautiful person…. (takes after her mom… lol) I get down quite a bit, but how could I not, then again… I have to continue for her, for my boys who are awesome… for myself… I really have to find the right value in myself… Any ideas on work from home stuff… I’m so sick of the pay this do this junk.. that is around… I need something real! I am so good at so many things… lol…. Yes, I did just say that…. I have come around… going through all of this…. I lost so much weight, I was only a 5/6 in size but I got down to 80 lbs due to worry and doing it alone… I have gotten back up to a 1 or 2… lol…. Well that’s all for now.. I will continue later…. Let me know what you think!!????

Feliciti -

Love all, do wrong to none, trust few.....

A women's Mid-life crisis is NOT about the marriage/relationship really...it is about the person that is in the crisis. The difficulties or the dissatisfaction that is occurring with in the marriage relationship is only feeding the the MLC fire, which has probably been building for a life time. Many MLC's in women are a hormonal induced re-evaluation of their lives...it is a revisit to the estrogen induced identity crisis that occurs when women are teens....this time it is the lack of estrogen that tends to kick it off. Stir in several life events such as: the death of a parent, illness of a family member, exit of grown children, retirement, a milestone birthday...add several bags of unresolved childhood issues and various life experiences and an overwhelming dose of being consumed by their roles as wives, mothers and maybe career women...you will have a raging fire that will cause all kinds of hurt and damage. Women, like men who are in MLC will fall in to deep depression, illness, act-out, cause drama...change their outlook on life, their look, buy a sports car...even enter into an adulterous relationship. It is mental...it is physical...it will not go away with out a lot of work. The work is not necessarily in marriage counseling or group therapy...the work occurs with in the person that is in the crisis. Yes, the marriage partner can play a huge role in the helping and encouraging the MLCer through the crisis...but in many cases it is a hands off, go it alone discovery of who a person is, the true role they play in the world and in life, absent of all of the other roles that they have been drained by in the past. Mid-life crisis is a journey of self-discovery. It is an inward journey...not an outward one. If teh MLCer is acting in an outward fashion...looking for the answers through others, such as another person OR through behaviors not appropriate for their age or their roles, such as partying, drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling and other addictions...then this person is not doing the work that they need to do to successfully navigate out of the stage of their life...they will repeat their journey down the road when another life altering experience occurs. A person in MLC does not just get over it...it is a long and hard road...it is not caused by one thing...it is NOT about the marriage.

To the writer of this article: Your wife's MLC is not about your marriage or her uncertainty about your relationship...it is about her uncertainty about herself within it. It has nothing to do with you really...yes, you may not have said or done the right things within your marriage at times...what man hasn't met their wife's expectations?...This whole thing is about who your wife is as a woman...she has lost herself...her worth comes from her relationship with you and your children...she thinks she has no worth without you. At 40 -50, women question their worth as a stand alone person, If a woman has not been diligent in being worthy, lovable and significant away or in of herself...she questions why any one would find her interesting, worthy of being listened to in any way shape or form. If she doesn't see it, why should you, your children or anyone else for that matter? She goes out of her way to regain this power...even if she has fallen in to a deep depression over this task. It is a complicated mental and phsyical undertaking. Your marriage is only a microcosm of the over all problem...and our society and media is perpetuating and giving permission to women to look, blame and exit their marriages...this is what they think is the cause of their problems...having an affair or walking out on their spouse is NOT the answer! They still have much work to do!

www.womeninmlc.lefora.com/forum/

It might not even be that huge of a change if you're unsatisfied with your life, to find the great thing that gets you up in the morning other than obligations and expectations and the old routine.

Also, experiencing the deep, profound unhappiness also stretches the capacity for real, abiding joy when some time passes and you've grown.

I have to admit everything you have replied on with a woman going through a MLC is correct. The spouse is usually the first one to belame theirself, but the woman has to find the way out through herself. Divorce should not be an option when the spouse has not purposely done anything wrong. A strong marriage that works through the MLC together brings each other close again. The spouse must have trust in the women, and the woman must believe in herself to do what is right.

This might be hard for you to understand. Many of us think we totaly understand the person we are with, but we never truly understand everthing about that person. This does sound like a MLC, but you being strong for your children will be the outcome of your sucess in the long run. Time will take her place, and you will see that everything happened for a reason. Set a good example in front of your children, and never talk bad about their mother. They will see for theirself as they get older what to think of her. Remember you are not a bad person, and nothing last forever in life. Some people are meant to grow old together, and then one dies. Some are meant to give you two beautiful children and then leave. Some are meant to only make you realize how strong of a person you can be without the other person. For what ever reason you came together with your wife just think of the happy times. Move on as hard as it is to move on, and remember you are a truly an amazing person for being the best person you can be in life.

Hello. My name is Thomas (tommy). I have been searching for answers to my problem since my wife's apparent MLC. The categories mentioned above seem to fit the description of my soon to be Ex- wife. Only, my wife happened to be 29 years old when my world collapsed. I will try to explain as briefly as I can. The problem started in July 2006. My wife went to Hungary, three weeks before me, for vacation. She took my then 3yr old daughter and 11yr old son. Until this, we were a very loving couple, who adored their children. Upon my arrival in Budapest (her birthplace) I immediately noticed a certain change in my wife. I didn't put everything together until about six months ago though. She didn't seem to be the same person who I had been married to for almost 12 years. She became selfish. She was the epitome of what a mother is supposed to be. And then- she just stopped caring for our children (or me). Jump ahead to April 7th, 2007. I picked up her cell phone (she was asleep) and found the text from a man who said: "of course I will accept your kids" and "I love you". My wife was having an online affair with this person in Budapest. Since that horremdous night, my story and my life have changed so dramaticly, that sometimes... In the time we were together, she never worked. I as a doorman in NYC supported us as best I could. Surprisingly, we had all we needed. I am a gentle person who loved his wife and children above anything. I put this woman ahead of everything else. She in turn put me out of our home. By accusing me of the most ugly, and malicious thing a woman can do to a man- claim child abuse. Today, I have full custody of my 5yr old daughter and 13yr old son. She had abandoned us on March 28th, 2008. She ran off to Hungary while my kids and I were on a two nite trip. She left 3 short goodbye notes for each of us. She said " Not to be angry". It has been over 7 months now. She has called twice; not to speak to me, but to the kids. My son refuses to speak to his mother. I have tried to sort this whole ordeal out, but I can't! How can a Woman -Mother- do such a thing to two children, and a man she said she loved? Was this a classic Mid Life Crisis? And what about us? Especially my children. Yes, there is more you should probably know, but it would only be more of the same, and it would go on and on. So I ask again( as I do every day to myself) WHY- HOW COULD SHE- and WHAT'S NEXT?

Zen Buddhism is the answer.

Once you stop attaching yourself to material objects and clinging onto other people for your happiness, your suffering will cease.

Dear Shepherdess56,

I read your article and am having a hard time understanding that it is not about the marriage since my ex-wife uses that to her defense to validate what she had done to our family.

I can't find the post I wrote yesterday about my situation but would like to provide some details for you and get some feedback so that I can better cope with what has happened since I'm having a very difficult time with this.

In Oct. of 2004 our 3rd child was born and the summer before his birth was one of our best times in our marriage. The day after his birth it was discovered that he had severe birth defects and that crushed me and caused me to withdraw from my wife since I was unable to fix him and felt so guilty and helpless about his issues. I knew this was wrong but it took me some time to get through this but even with everything that was going on, I still went to work to provide food, pay for the mortgage, bills and all of the medical expenses. I still helped aroudn the house and spent quality time with our other kids since they were also going through a difficult time. My outlook finally changed in the late spring of 2005 and I know I had hurt my wife with how I feel apart but it was never something that was done on purpose, it was my coping mechanism.

Over the next 4 years we had to plan endless hospital visits and trips to ensure that our son got the best medical care possible and from April of 2005 through April of 2008 we did everything possible to ensure that our son would have the best care and would eventually have a normal life.

We also worked on our marriage by doing lots of selfhelp counseling which really seemed to work. 2007 through March of 2008 were close to our best times and even our children noticed how much happier we were and how there was so much less stress in our family life.

In April my wife fell ill and withdrew to our sons bedroom where she spent weeks from early morning to late at night on her laptop. I did everything to make sure she got the foods, medications etc... she needed but saw a complete change in her during this time.

Our kids were also home schooled at this time and other than for the basic needs, they were not attended to during the day and at night I made sure they were fed, got to play outside and ready for bed to make this time less difficult on them.

A few weeks later when she emerged, she stated that she no longer loved me and that she needed to find herself and that she wanted a divorce. That maybe in a year or so, we could try things again on her terms.

This was so weird because the 15 months before were so good that I was not able to explain her behaviour. She also started to go to concerts with one of her friends which I encouraged because I have never ever kept her from doing those things to give her time off from the kids and things in general.

Through May and June she avoided me and the kids told me every night that mommy had not spent any time with them and was on her computer all the time. In late May she stated that she wanted to go to Europe on vacation and I supported it in hopes that she would come back re-energized and happier and the kids hoped for the same.

When she returned, she was actually worse off and ignored me even more and asked me to move out. This was a total shock to me and the kids were so upset about this. In July I moved out but close to the house so I could be there for the kids.

She has been so hateful to me ever since and all the blame is pushed onto me and she says she can not forgive me for how I fell apart when our son was born. I tell her I know it was wrong but it was not something I did no purpose but that it happened and she gets very very angry when I say this.

The kids and I don't want this but now we are having to adjust to it all. My wife/ex-wife is also going back to college which I admire but everything seems to revolve around her....when ever something does not go her way she cries foul, when she needs something she calls me and I have the kids most of the time which I love but the kids miss their mom and are not getting any time with her. This of course she again blames on me because I caused this divorce and she has to go back to school.

The other thing that is frustrating is that she tells me that I don't realize what I had and I tell her I do realize it and that is why I did so much for the family. Work a full time job, work extra jobs to be able to go on nice vacations, clean the house regularly, watch the kids every evening, do all of the grocery shopping for years and the list goes on but I never hear about that.

Many comments she makes now in relation to our sons minor on-going health issues state that she realizes she will be single for ever or until he is grown up and thanks me for ruining her life.

What exactly is going on here? I'm so hurt that my marriage is over and that the kids are also going through such a difficult time. Why would something like this come up so suddenly and so many years later? Any feedback is appreciated.