A Moving Experience; Literally Moving On After Divorce

When facing the thought of starting over again, I just could NOT picture myself in some crumby little apartment, like back when I was 20. I couldn't stand the idea for the very reasons that you list.

Inspiration hit suddenly. An old friend had left town two years before, and her house had never sold. It was run down, it needed repair, love, paint, carpet, tile, replacement windows ... it was a dump.

I called her up and gave a low ball offer for it. It was accepted, and I closed on the house four days after signing the divorce paperwork.

I had a place to land. I had work to do.

Using my angst and frustration and pain, and a paint brush, tile knife, a carpet shampoo-er .... fixing that house, through the miracle of sublimnation, fixed me.

Get busy, get building... it was my blood, sweat, tears and toil that built that house into a nice place to live... and knowing that I could build a nice PLACE convinced me that I could build a nice LIFE.

But, if my husband chooses to leave our family without at least trying to give us a chance, then I could care less how horrible his living condition will be.

Shortly after my divorce, I started developing new traditions with my kids. I also spent a lot of time with taking care of my home - the physical work (hours of scrubbing) helped to off load the anger, etc. It also helps to develop a sanctuary in your home, just a space where you go to put your feet up and know that you are in a safe zone. Small things help quite a bit and as you found out, new sheets are one of the small things that you can do for yourself. You'd be surprised how a small, potted flowering plant placed in a space that you are at everyday can do wonders for your spirit!

I am facing many of the same realities of which you speak of. This may the reason and rational for why many stay in unhappy marriages - the fear of starting over! Focus on those reasons you pondered over and over in your mind before making your decision to call it quits. Focus on that and shake off this depressing frame of mind. Feel good about being alone and able to get to know who YOU are. Get some cinder blocks, a couple of pieces of particle board and build yourself a shelf to store pictures of your children and your future life. You sound like a very sensitive man that loves his kids and cares about their lives. Do that and there will always be someone there who loves you.....but first love yourself. Get busy building your new life and forget about the past. It will take you five years to be happy again. That's the magic number that comes back to me when I talk to other men that have gone through this desert filled with depression. You will be happy again. Go buy the John Lee Hooker/Van Morrison duet "Don't look back".

Peace out! Joe

Divorce whether you want it or not disrupts your way of life. Marriage whether good or bad creates a routine which those involved adapt to. Disruption may be good for the soul, however it takes the body and mind a tad bit longer to move on. Yet, move on you must and you will. It is up to you how much time you will take. It is a process.

That sounds great. You're very fortunate, and very determined. Two qualities I'm aiming for as well. I have been putting money aside for two years now in the hope of finding a house, and when I do, it will be a physical manifestation of how my post-divorce life has settled down and become something good for me and my kids.

That's not petty at all. It's very real and honest. It's important to work on things as much as possible. Divorce is the last option. But sometimes, in the end, it does need to BE an option.

A house really is a sanctuary in and of itself. It represents more than I ever realized when I had one with my wife and kids. It is the place where you pull your life together, a physical manifestation of how you're doing as you try to build something new. I'm still working on finding a house, but in the meantime, I'm taking you up on your floral suggestion.

Sorry to hear you're going through all of this as well. You're very right. I know many people -- and I was one of them -- who stay stuck out of fear. And having made the leap, I will say the fear never entirely goes away. It's just a matter of minimizing it and finding positive emotions to hide it. I will do as you suggest about the kids' pictures. They're scattered randomly about the apartment right now, but I want to make more of a presentation with them. Not sure I have the strength to go three more years to hit that five-year mark. But I'll check out that song and see...I'm a big Van Morrison fan.

Thanks for the encouragement. I have to keep remembering the point is the journey, not the destination, which means appreciating rather than fearing every step along the way.

God, the pain. Many of us have been there, but it is so hard and your post really captures the anguish.

I want to help you get going on creating a great new home for you and your children. This book inspired me to that for myself. It's called "Create the Space you Deserve," and it's by Jill Butler. As she says in the intro, you need to decide that you're worth paying attention to, and that you deserve to have the best you can create. Getting started is one of the most difficult actions, she points out, but she helps break everything down.

Good luck.

21 months since separation (coming on a year of divorce), months of internet searching (because not one friend could align), still struggling to get up in the morning, I'm happy to come across your words (from a male's perspective). Normally extremely solutions oriented, I just can't seem to scratch my way out of this cliched divorcee' state. Everything you've described hits home for me and my current conditions. I literally told my mother, recently, that "I'd rather eat poo than do anything about my life right now". No children, I chose to leave all possessions behind (with exhubby). I felt they had too much of marital attachment, but the reverse actually happened, I left "myself" behind and have since lost more stuff and more of me! It totally sucks that I still have to work with my ex (we built business together) and it is a daily nightmare! The thought that in order to get on with myself, I'll have to start a new career and possibly relocate to a new city makes me want to vomit. There is nothing about my life that isn't stained by interactions with my past mate and though my friends have been great, they are restless with my endless turmoil.

Reading this article I realized that what I was REALLY looking for was someone who could align with me. That sounds overrated, but seriously, I needed for someone to validate my pain (no pity party, but to really understand). I have spent countless dollars on new "get over yourself and on with your life books", but none could soothe me like me yelling, "I know, right?" after your every sentence in this post. Having everything I've worked for ripped from under me, my hobbies and sense of self vanished, I thought my case was "oh so rare" and "insurmountable".

I have zero idea where to start... bed sheets huh? Seeming that I ONLY own a mattress and bed frame... guess I gotta start somewhere.

~Merci~

Dificult words to hear, eh? You Cannot Skip One Single Stage in the recovery process. But you alone must go through each of the stages after a divorce before you can live again. So chill out, take a deep breath (or two or ten thousand). I know, I have felt your pain, anger, depression, lonliness, lostness, confusion, guilt, and blame. Readers Digest version of my story: I was sitting in the kitchen sipping coffee on May 8, 2007. There was a knock on the door. It was an official looking corpulent man with some papers for me to sign....You got it!!!!! Divorce papers. 23 years of marriage and I never (I repeat) NEVER saw this coming. Never did she even hint that our marriage was in trouble. I am not a clod who was unable to see the obvious (or even the subtle). So I embarked on the ickiest journey of my life (so far) to complete the A) social divorce, the B) legal divorce, and the C) emotional divorce. Guess what....I've exited the other end of the journey...and I can tell you this I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. But you must work at it, really. So here are some phrases defining the stepsI've discovered that may help you: 1) ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Why don't you say this to yourself and decide that today you will move on, look forward, live again. Look at the birds, smell the flowers, absorb a little, it is therapeutic. 2) YOU CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. Yes you have the power to choose to be happy. You also have the right to be happy. Decide now to be happy, and act accordingly. 3) IT (The marriage) JUST DID NOT WORK OUT. No blame game, no guilt trip, no nothing. Try to believe that IT JUST DID NOT WORK OUT. Remember (write this down) You are a valuable person, capable of loving and of being loved. Really. Believe this. Because it is TRUE. That was not a dumpster you were thrown into, it was a fabulous life changing adventure machine! Sounds goofy, IT JUST DID NOT WORK OUT. 4) YOUR LIFE IS AHEAD OF YOU, SO GET ON WITH IT. I know that every day when you awake your first thought is something like, "I am a divorced loser." Make that your second thought tomorrow. Then make it your third thought the next day....get the picture? Take a file to the sharp edges on your broken heart. 5) YOU NOW CAST A LARGER SHADOW. You are experiencing the pain of a huge loss in your life. But guess what, now you can look into others' eyes and see things that you likely previously ignored. Why not invite those who also cast a larger shadow into the club (like I am doing now). Your larger shadow makes you a more interesting person.