Picking one's poison: Waterboarding or be a middle-aged divorced man trying to date

I was involuntarily divorced after 17 years. There wasn't any real drama but she just didn't want to go on. By contrast, I've found dating in middle age much better than in my teens and 20s.

I can't say that I', happy that we got divorced. It still seems rather pointless. However, as a practical matter, middle-aged singlehood is not bad.

I think that if you could get past your own attitude things could be a lot better for you.

ctomshaw:

Yes it's good to get right back on the horse but it's also okay to wait until the cast is off before doing so. Yes maybe it's guilt you are feeling. Perhaps it is something else that is telling you that you are not ready/willing/interested in dating.

Instead of forcing yourself to get out there why not wait until you either want to or better yet you come across someone that so intrigues you that you say to yourself, "I want to ask that person out!"

Just thoughts.

I love your (2) posts. Please keep them coming.

After I was married for 13 years, I suddenly found myself divorce.

I had this plan to wait at least six months before even THINKING about dating ... and met someone wonderful three weeks later. And when a Goddess comes into your life, and you are starting a new life anyway... well, I had to try.

And it was wonderful. Such a faboulous, kind, intelligent, passionate woman. We had the best relationship I've ever experienced.

Notice that "had" in that sentence.

Yeah. It took a while to realize that I was a bit too screwed up to give what was needed. I lost myself in depression, after the new love started to wear out, and that feeling of giddy relief passed. And jumping back on the horse does not cure your previous wounds... it just gives you MORE to deal with when you are close to emotional overload.

And I ended up hurting someone I cared about deeply because I was still too volatile, too wounded, too fresh, and too lost.

K.C.

I'm glad to hear your dating experiences have been good. And that you've beena ble to adjust to middle-aged singlehood. I guess we all get there in our own time. I know I could take a more positive approach to the whole idea of dating, but it's very tough. Divorce has left me not feeling much like someone date-able, but if I can just get the one serious date under my belt, I like to think it gets easier.

Thanks for your comments.

Craig Tomashoff

First, thanks so much for the kind words about the post. I've amazed myself in that A) I am finally writing again and B) the writing is making some of the pain of all this go away. I guess sharing is more like purging. But whatever it is, it feels good.

And second, I think I am ready to try dating. But then, I either am frustrated by the people I meet or they are frustrated by me, nothing clicks and I go back into my shell. And the guilt of trying to date while I have young kids I should be with is pretty tough.

Hopefully, I'll work a lot of this out with my posts here. And you all get to be like my therapists. Only you don't charge me $175 for 50 minutes. Thanks again for your ucomments.

Craig Tomashoff

Thanks for your comments. I really do like hearing nabout other people's experiences. It helps me look at mine in a different way. I'm happy you were able to find someone after your divorce, and sorry to hear itt didn't work out. Truth be told, there was someone I fell for not long after my divorce. Everyone warned me those first relationships can't last, and I didn't believe them. Until that relationship fell apart after a month. Which doubles the divorce hurt. I wish you luck finding a new special person, or in rekindling with the one you found once before.

Craig Tomashoff

I'm married and working hard not to walk away. I just wanted to say I can see how dating would be difficult, especially if your dating life before marriage wasn't the greatest. Mine wasn't either, and I too got married because it would solve the dating problem. Many times I've wished I'd waited and found someone different, but the truth is that my own emptiness was the problem. Not generalizing to anyone else.

But at least when I was a single twenty-something I liked dancing with guys and smelling them and seeing what their hair felt like, and making out with them. Now, I don't think most men would really entice. I'd be checking out their ear hairs and feeling awkward because I'm a little overweight.

I think what I'd have to look for would be "a story in his eyes." I love to hear people's personal stories now. I'd like to know what he did that meant the most to him, and that would mean he'd have to be someone who had thought of things that way. But, talking about meeting people is just a useless preoccupation and I've got a husband I need to work with.

Thanks for your post. And as I read it, I had to tie my ear hairs into a weave so at least they looked vaguely stylish. And believe me, I know exactly what you are talking about in regard to looking back and wishing you'd approached life differently back in the day. What I've found by making this leap that I have made, though, is it's never too late to try for anything if you really want it. It's also impossibly hard, but better to make yourself into the best possible you than to lie there in 30 years wondering why you didn't. Or so I hope, anyway.

Good luck with all you're going through.

Craig Tomashoff

"I've amazed myself in that A) I am finally writing again and B) the writing is making some of the pain of all this go away. I guess sharing is more like purging. But whatever it is, it feels good."

First off we love your posts and are thrilled you are contributing. The stats back this up. Second, it does feel good to write, share, respond and communicate about things like this and that is exactly why we are here. One person's "purge" is another's realization that they are not alone in what they are feeling.

Once again, glad to have your participation.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

It's been two years since divorce. I plan to dat but not in a hurry. I also believe things are more likely to happen organically, when your're reslly not looking.

A relationship too soon after a divorce is like the athlete who suffers a terrible knee injury in the course of a game. He/She hobbles to the sideline, helped by mates who gather around. He's on the bench, watching the game and missing the action. Doctore comes along with a needle and injects cortisone into the knee. Athlete rushes back onto the field, painless. Until...

...waterboarding, I choose waterboarding.

Thanks for the kind words. And if nothing else, writing here is cheaper than therapy, so that's good thing. And I don't have to fit everything into that 50-minute hour.

My point exactly....

I like your analogy. Although I'm know crazy about how I keep striking out on that playing field...

As a husband going through a marriage crisis, I find myself thinking about what it would be like if I'm forced back into the dating pool and it often appears like it's teeming with people obsessed with reliving their 20s. That may be the last time divorced people were single, but that doesn't mean you have to revert back to the same behavior and lifestyle. I think some people get divorced because they glamorize that life. However, it also seems many people with divorced thrust on them follow suit, maybe because it offers some distraction from the realization that the longterm marriage that was the foundation of your life has crumbled, leaving you to sift through the wreckage. Fearing the end of my 17-year marriage, I find myself sometimes trying to think it would be fun to date, but I know whatever interest I have is more about me building a protective wall so that it may be easier to take the pain if divorce does happen. I actually dread the prospect of dating. Yet I know that it's possible to find love again, even if I never regain the same sense of absolute trust in a relationship that I once had. I wish you luck in forging ahead on a path I hope I never have to take.

My divorce from wife gave me the chance to see how much of myself I compromised to get along with her. She was stifling me. I think she was more insecure, hollow than I ever knew. She also did a good job of concealing it. I was 17 years younger, carnal and not as wise as i am now. She, by the way, left me at the behest of her new "friends".

Anyway, I think dating is fraught with fears if it's high on your agenda. I'm trying to realign my life's trajectory - which means taking a hard look at myself, addressing faults and shortcomings but also appreciating the blessings. Sure I'd like to find Ms. Perfect. It's been two years. I found that it creates pressure. Everthing in my life that is worthwhile has come to me when I wasn't really looking. If you take care of yourself other things may falk into place. No guarantee but it's a can't lose mindset. At a minimum, you're a better adjusted person, which is a rarity.

Instead of focusing on "dating," which can be an intimidating process, why not focus more on having fun, doing things that takes you out to meeting new people? Go to concerts, join a bowling league, take dance lessons, yes, maybe even try a bar that has music or dancing. Wait. These are things I want to do, and I'm still married! But wanting someone to do these things with. Ah, there's the rub.

Well, that last comment cleared the room!

As the wife of an MLCer (Mid Life Crisis) I too have ended up on my own and wondering where to go from here. I found out about 3 affairs he had had, and now he's living with one of them so reconciliation is out of the question.

Unfortunately, we are both 60, yes 60 and been married for 41 years!

Who'd want to be looking at dating again at such a ripe old age? But the thought of living on my own for the rest of my life is not something I look forward to. In fact it scares me. Don't get me wrong, I've lots of family and friends - but they're no substitute for a husband.

And the hardest part about all of this is that MLCers just walk into the room one day and say "sorry, I'm out of here" - and they are gone. Divorce, here I come......

I agree with the 3rd post from the bottom. Dating isn't the only option for a middle-aged single man. Joining different social clubs can work wonders as it plugs you into a social network of people that share at least one interest. This makes it easier to meet and get comfortable with someone you would think of dating...and when you do finally go on a date with them it's not as intimidating.

I finished a 8 years relationship few months ago and It's so difficult to find something that i wouldn't want to share with him. I guess i love him so much. but, this blog give me so hope that it will pass. I hope in less than couple years.. but it'll pass, right?