And so my second life begins

Hmm, you should not get nervous or exasperated. This situation is not unique. You know that a lot of people get through these kind of things. Why don't you go to the New York Cruises and take a vacation? I'm sure it will help you a lot. Sweet escape!

Think back to where you were two years ago, if you were the good actor, and the ex dropped the bomb. As for me, I I felt: helpless, betrayed, angry, suicidal, stupid, used, overwhelmed.

I've recovered and progressed - slowly but in a substantive way. It was hard at times because I felt like I'd been hit by a locomotive and there was my wife, the engineer, grinning. It was awful. For me it was like being sentenced to a term in purgatory. The human impulse is to escape - find a quickie relationship, booze, drugs, loser friends - because the present hurts so much and the future looks so daunting.

My wife took off through her early months "free" like a bat out of hell. There was internet friends, phone sex, match.com and then Sunday School teacher and Bett Crocker in the daytime. The sad thing is she doesn't realize that people see the fraud. Her friends are dreadful, hapless people - stuck in their dysfunctions. My wife revels in this world.

I had enough brains to realize that I had to sit tight, make no sudden moves - just stay focused on our child, sell the house, find an apartment, pray, pray, pray, show up for work and be the solid employee I've always been, stay presentable, nurture neglected friendhships and accept new ones. (I've gained some penetrating perspective from people. I've found that most people have had pain in their lives and some have managed through it rather than chase an answer.) I think I've been able to help others with my experience.

I began to draw pleasure out of little things. I would like to marry again. I think I'm a good husband and willing to work on my defects. But I think the best time to date is when it is not a priority. If I live a good life I'll cross paths with the woman who is right for me and I'll know it. If that doesn't happen at least I've lived well. I accept that some people are meant to be single. My divorce and my marriage is in my rear view mirror and the image shrinks each week. My daughter will be in college soon and, at that point, I will have less contact with my wife.

My wife is not one bit happier. She's overweight, frazzled and wears a perpetual scorn over her face. She's had several lovers - who else would answer an ad on the internet in which the "surrently separated" woman says she's looking for "erotic sex" in her date. Her life now is a high wire act and she can't live with the sorrowful emptiness inside her. In short - she's become a clone of her new friends.

My toughest struggle, and one that I wrestle with today, is to forgive my wife. I wouldn't want her back for all the money in the world but forgiveness is grace and, for me, that is true recovery.

That is a nice way of putting it. I usually advise clients to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter in their life. If you reframe it like this it is not so daunting. Looking back is not usually helpful.

46 is not middle aged these days, you could easily have another 40+ years to live so it makes sense to make the most of them. You now have the opportunity to be selfish and do what you want to do. Exploring new hobbies and interests is the best way to meet new, like-minded people.

Good luck with your journey.

Best wishes

Annie O'Neill New Horizons Divorce Coaching

This may sound trite, but it's true. It does get better. It just takes some time. Two years sounds like a long time, but it's really not. You can't go back to the way you were single before you married, because you are a different person than you were then. So you pretty much have to "reinvent" yourself. The loneliness undermines this process. There is no magic bullet or easy answer, because it is indeed a process.

For a while, exploring new hobbies and interests can seem fake, because your heart isn't in it. But eventually you start to discover things in yourself that you didn't know were there, or never had time to explore before.

In terms of finding a new partner, you have to be patient. I was 43 when I became newly single, and I felt a sense of urgency to find someone before I got "old." I made mistakes, and learned from them, and now, at 47, I have realized that there really is no rush. As you said, 50 percent of the people your age are in the same boat, and they aren't going to all disappear before you are ready.

It is hard to find people to talk to who can relate, although I'd venture to say it might be easier for women than men. But again, with so many of us in the same boat, there are a good many who have moved beyond the pain of the split so that spending time with them won't just remind you of your own pain. Finding those people is difficult, just as it is always difficult to find new friends that you can really talk to. Building friendships also takes time, so it's really a solo effort for a while.

I can see that you know how to write, and writing is also therapeutic, especially if you have someone to write to. For me, I found myself spending a great deal of time talking to people on the web. I don't need that as much now, but for a time, it was more satisfying than forcing myself to attend activities where I might or might not get to actually talk to anyone with any depth. People kept telling me that it was more important to "get out" and do things with "real people" but in reality, if you look at most people in a social situation, they are there with someone else or a group of friends, and even if you are outgoing and gregarious (which you don't always feel when you are struggling) you can be more lonely than if you stayed home.

So... just keep on keeping on, and it will get better.

Patricia

I wasn't logged in when I posted the comment above.

Patricia

My wife developed new friendhsips in her life with unhealthy people, assessed my "shortcomings" after 13 years of what I thought was a solid marriage and took off at the advice of her new friends. She told me that I m holding her back, that at 47 her husband should be man whose salary wouid put her in a bigger house, a newer car, travel,nogjhts out on the town, limitless credit cards...Her search so far has led her to match.com where she posted a deceptive profile of herself. Happy hunting.

It's been a year. I've been thinking a lot. I've unshelved some very promising projects that I put away becasue I just didn't have the time. I thought I would also begin to date, socialize with women, etc.

I got some wised advice froma friend. She said that I could choose to use the period after this divorce to explore inward, to become the person i was meant to be. The impulse and temptation, she said, is to get back out there and date - which could very well put me back in the same boat I am in now. I live in a northeastern city, a college town, with a huge single, divorced/single population. Women outnumber men.

It was wonderful advice. It made me stop and ask mself: "Do I want to use divorce as an opportunity to size up my life? Explore my strengths, find out how this marriage went haywire? Do I readjust so that I can enjoy the second half of my life? I don't want loneliness or neediness to be involved with someoen to chase me into another relationship so soon.

I feel like a made a ton of compromises to be married. Some parts of "myself" was supprassed to fit into this marriage mold. There is no need for that now. I probably have developed personal assets that I don't know I have. I have also grown.

I figure that I can stay connected to healthy acitivities and devotions - my daughter, my faith, work, friend, hobbies - and also spend quiet time thinking. It's quite difficult to do that with the pressures, responsibilities, drama of a budding relationship. My focus right now is health not so much as starting a new relationship. I'm confident thhat will come. I'm hoping that my 15 years of marriage, and this divorce contribute to me having a good life in my second half.

Incredible post. I look forward to your more contributions. You are a great writer and have put in words things that I have been thinking but haven't been able to express.

You expressed that so beautifully. Thank you. I felt those feelings when I divorced at 28, and I can only imagine what it's like when you've shared a life even longer.

It's true life goes on. There's even love. Then, the question becomes how can we make this midlife relationship work. More maybe even sing. I remarried and it feels like a second life but in an unconventional world. We jointly create the life we have. Scary, but fun.

I just might make it to 50 years married...happily married.

Dina Lynch Eisenberg http://www.thismarriagething.com

Well said even though I'm not sure I'd complain about a date that was barely alive when you first married. Some things could be worse. Keep writing.

Ann --

Thanks for the kind words. And I appreciate the advice. Although a life time of training to be the opposite is making it very difficult to be selfish for a change. But for the first time in a long time, I'm actually starting to figure out my hobbies and interests and, I'd hope, find someone whose mind I can like.

Thanks again.

Craig Tomashoff

Patricia --

Thank you for your thoughts. I really do appreciate it. I know I've got a long road ahead of me, but writing this blog will undoubtedly help. As will reading the responses from everyone. I hope to get the next installment up in the next couple of days. Keep reading, and keep commenting. Thanks again.

Craig Tomashoff

Thanks for your thoughts. You seem to be in a better place than I am, so I appreciate hearing from you. I know I made compromises myself, which I was happy to do at the time. But I've put myself in this new situation, and hopefully, it will turn out to be the smartest move I ever made. We'll see. Keep reading. And let me know what you think.

Craig Tomashoff

Thanks for appreciating what I tossed out there. And the important thing is to know that you have similar thoughts. Once you realize that, expressing them becomes natural. Eventually anyway. Keep reading. I hope I can strike a chord again.

Craig Tomashoff

Dina --

I'm glad you could relate to my words. I am glad life goes on. Still not so sure about love. I hear people talk about it, and they might as well be speaking Swahili for all I understand of it. But hopefully in time....we'll see. Thanks for your thoughts, and please keep reading.

Craig Tomashoff

Thanks for your thoughts. I hope you'll keep reading. And as for the young date, trust me, not such a good thing. Especially when she had to get home early to study for a social studies test.

Craig Tomashoff

Thanks for your storoy. And I'm sorry to hear what you went through. Your experience is very different from mine, but I'll never cease to be amazed at how no matter how different our divorce experiences seem on the surface, they're all the same underneath it all. Because in the end, it's all about pain and recovery. I think I'm also coming to terms with the idea that maybe not all of us are meant to be in relationships, and that's okay. Finding someone new woud be nice, but being by myself is a growth experience too. Good luck with your continue recovery.

Craig Tomashoff

My wife told me yesterday that after 18 years we never loved each other enough and does not want to spend one more day under the same roof. We have young teen daughters who I'm very close to and I am distraught, overwhelmed, scared and completely lost. I will be following this website closely for support. Thank you all for your contributions. I feel so alone and these help.

Ironically my two test words below are "tailspin" and "susan". Guess what my soon to be ex's name is?

I have enjoyed reading your posts. I am recovering at a much slower pace than you are. It has been over two years since my divorce was final and I am not ready to start dating yet. Even though you have had a lot of first dates, you're out there. Good luck and look forward to more posts.

No personal offense, but obviously a solution from someone not one of "a lot of people get through these kind of things".

Sure you go on vaca, only to return to your personal HELL! Been there done that, got the t-shirt and still the despair.

~Your partner in "the 20 month club"~