Are there any MLC stories that end with a happy marriage?

I want to commend you on posting a very informative article on what to and not to do when those infamous words come rolling off the tongue of the ones we love have become under the delusion that the grass is greener. I made the mistake of doing the crying, begging, trying, for the better part of 2 or 3 months before I just gave in an let fate take it's course. Was it damaging for me to do this and not have the insight which is shared by the article you have posted? At this point, I think not. It is about them and it is about pride. She left for greener grass - but what she didn't expect is that the grass she left became greener than the grass she is now currently grazing on. Life is such an amazing journey. Other people don't put us in chains - we need to learn to free ourselves from the chains we have put ourselves into. I was once a work-aholic - no time to take time for the small, important things. I thought that providing for my family better than what I was given in my upbrining was the ticket to hapiness. Not so much. I have done more self-improvement in the past year than I have done in my entire life. Life is too short, sometimes you need to slow down and smell the roses, tour a national park, go camping in the Rocky Mountains with your son and teach him how to shoot a BB gun, go to a professional baseball game, walk the beach during sunset, or go to a playhouse and watch a play. Maybe it's all about learning how to live and not looking back with regrets. When I pass on to the other side I want to know that I finished strong. Get out of the norm and stretch your boundaries. A man's reach should extend further than what he can grasp. May your end be better than your beginning. Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see. I am done being dead to this world - I am free and know what life truly means and what living, as we were intended to live, really feels like. I know trials will come, but knowing that they will come is half the battle.

Pray for those that are on a different journey, for they are on a wide path that will lead them back to where they started and even more depleted than what they were from the beginning.

God Bless, Jim

I have to report a success story - but not in the way that you think. I am divorced from a woman going through her MLC. Like many of you, I had questions as to whether my marriage would survive. Despite my best efforts, it did not. But how can you call that a success, you ask? Well, shortly after my divorce became final, I met someone. A truly wonderful woman who I am marrying early next year. I dated for a while and then met my fiance by pure chance. I was standing in line behind her at the DMV and she dropped her purse. I helped her pick her things up and we started talking. It sounds cliche but there it is. The fact that I am happy and with someone who loves me is a success story. After going through the whole MLC process and the pain that it entails, I know where I made my mistakes and what I have to do not to repeat them. I learned that two people don't have to live in each other's back pockets to be together. I learned that I am strong and can survive whatever live throws at me. I learned that I can be loved for who I am and not expected to be something I am not. That a strong body brings out a strong mind. Everything that happened in my life led to this point. When I met her, I was ready. I didn't plan it. I didn't hope for something that was out of my control. It just happened.

Some words of advice that worked for me: look after yourself! You have no control over your partner. What they say, do or think is not up to you. It doesn't concern you. Even if they're saying nasty stuff about you, it's not about you. If you don't believe what they're saying, then it isn't true. No one can make you feel bad about yourself. You do that all on your own. Get active - mentally and physically. Go for a walk. Go to the library. Take a rocket surgery course in night school. It's a cliche but living well really is the best revenge - not that that's the reason to do anything. It's just that you'll feel better about yourself. You'll get stronger emotionally and your MLCer will realize that no matter what they say or do, you won't break. You will survive. You'll be able to take whatever shots they throw at you. Maybe you'll be strong enough to be there when the MLC has run it's course and they settle down. I know that my ex is having regrets now - my kids have told me that. I didn't have the strength to survive. I'm speaking from the viewpoint of someone who knows what they "should have" done. But I don't see that as a failure. I see it as an opportunity to grow and learn. To avoid the same mistakes and have a happy life. And that's a success in anyone's book!

Take care, Buddy

Congrats on your new life and new woman in your life. You are right on all accounts of what you have posted above. When someone doesn't move forward it's not because they are being held back by some external force - they are holding themselves back. Don't be afraid to fail. When we were all infants we failed continuously when learning how to walk and learning how to eat. Most times we ended up on our backsides and half of the pasta down the front of our shirt. We can run now and we eat quite proficiently. Learn and move on.

-Jim

http://www.theweek.com/article/index/99512/The_last_word_He_said_he_was_...

This article in The Week.com is about a wife's response to her husband's mlc. Basically, when he said "I never loved you" she just didn't buy it. Long article but not difficult to read quickly.

In my current studies I'm told that being an adult means choosing to love people.

Being a child means trying to get what you want and not knowing any better than to cheat, lie, call people names, and hit people.

Being an adolescent means trying to see whether you are cool, have the greatest muscles or hair or boobs, and it means challenging authority.

Being a grownup means submitting to discipline and knowing you can't control the outcome. And it means choosing to act in love, with humility. It doesn't have to mean putting up with things. It means giving 101 percent to what you consider the best effort.

So...maybe where a marriage has broken down, a happy marriage is one where the two people are working out all the problems that come from the divorce. I don't have experience in this area but I think surely it must feel good to know the problems and get each one worked on.

I have read many posts by many people and i know the pain of having your wife of 14 years with 2 kids 12,16 leave the house and tell you the " i love you but not in love with you" and also "i dont know who i am and i dont know why ". My question to lisa and to others, should i tell her about this site or have someone else like a friend or mother tell her. I feel if she could see that she is not alone it would make her feel better and look at herself and not just blame me. Its going on a month and she is already wanting a divorce. I told her she could file today but am not ready to get a divorce and am not signing anything. Thanks for time and God bless.

I once felt the same way as you do; that if I could just show her that there are other people that feel the same way, maybe things would turn around. I never showed her the site because I felt that no matter what I would do, it is still ME telling her what is wrong with HER. We all have to discover ourselves through self-discovery. I don't think sharing it with her will do anything but fuel her to rebel even more. As it is said many, many times on this site, the best thing you can do is step away and take care of yourself. It is SO hard because we don't want to fail and we don't want this destructive behaovior in our lives. You can either clear from the fallout zone or stay in it and let it drag you down with whomever is causing you pain. Lisa makes more good points with her most recent post. Sometimes love must be tough. Dr.James Dobson writes a very informative book by that name, Love Must Be Tough. It deals a lot of spousal abandonment - it would be a good read for anyone viewing this thread.

-JIm

My wife is re-writting our past. I can't believe that anyone would believe the world she is re-building. And the anger from her is incredible. How can we have been such good friends and now the it was always terrible. 14+ years together and it was terrible?

I think she is trying to keep the conflit level high, as then the judge is less likely to grant joint custody. She is in a hurry to get divorced, so she can move 900 miles away to the OM. She is telling the kids that they will have a new dad in the spring.

As this continues, my heart is hardening towards her. I had been holding out hope that she would "wake" up from this sudden change. Sadly I feel that will come too late. I have spent A LOT of time going over our life together, and ecspecially the last 6 months. I am proud of my attempts to hold this family together. My kids have been watching, they see everything that has transpired.

I have not spoken one negative word about my wife. I had been hoping for reconciliation. She has run me down and even told my kids she wishes I was dead. Unbelievable.... I was trying to meet her every need and she was just biding her time and getting ready for the Divorce.

After all of the damage, and pain she is causing, I don't know if there ever could be a chance for our family again. Say a quick prayer for my kids...... and me, I guess. We could use a miracle today. Turn this boat around, there is a waterfall ahead and my wife threw the life jackets away.

How did your marriage turned out? I had the exact same thing happened to me over the 4th of July weekend and like you, I was totally blindsided. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and been together for a total of 21 years. We have two wonderful boys (ages 9 and 11). We are both very successful at work and I work long hours but usually home by 7:00 pm. I take the kids to school / before care in the morning and he takes care of the kids after school. Over the past two months, he mentioned that he's been very bored since the kids are more independent and are pushing him away. A week ago, he said that he has not been happy for a long time and there are something missing. I encourage him to pick something he enjoys doing up and he thinks it is not it. Actually, he does not hang out with friends since the kids were born and really took significant efforts taking care of the kids. We do all the family things nights and weekends but don't talk much outside of kids for the past years. I figured we always have time to reconnect as the kids grown older and now it is the time to focus on kids and career.

Over the weekend, he said everyday after 7:00 pm, he just want to separate and get away. It took me a long time to understand what he's saying. He said he wants to continue to be close to the kids and me "as friend". He wants us to go to vacation together. He wants us to see if the new arrangement would work for awhile. When I ask him if we can work on this together, he said he doesn't think so. I told him that all my friends don't talk to their husbands much except for kids. Most of my friends' husbands don't talk much to the wives, period. He said he doesn't want to be like everyone else and why others can stay miserable in the marriage.

He said he will always be there and think this is better for both of us. In this past week, he usually waits until the kids go to sleep (around 9:30 pm) and leaves to go to our condo. He usually comes home by 6:30 am to take the dog out. I asked about marriage counseling and he said he didn't want to give me hope that we can still connect. The next morning he apologized and said he was not able to respond to my request since he thinks he's the one who needs individual counseling.

I've been reading a couple e-books and am going to "go with the flow". It is so difficult but I would welcome any thoughts and comments on what you think may be happening. He doesn't want the kids to know, doesn't want his parents/my parents and friends to know and think we can live under this type of arrangement but I am worried about his mental health.

I was transferred to a new job 1400 miles away, My wife and kids stayed to sell the house / finish the school year. No sale, I was finally able to transfer back, I thought we were going to be ok.

She told me she was no is longer "in love" with me in January. I went to work trying to show my love. I read books, tried the love dare (100 days). Really thought we were getting closer. She became involved in an EA with someone online. I started finding signs of a second life being built. She had lost 100+lbs spends whole days online chatting. began sending photos of herself to men online. I would confront her about these things, and she would deny and then admit the lies, and then ask for forgiveness. rinse and repeat.

June 1st we sat and talked about our life together. She professed how much she loved me and she wanted to stay with me forever. After 14 years and 3 great little kids, we were going to make it. I said the same, and we cryed together, that we had gotten through the worst in our marriage.

June 2nd, I got served Divorce papers. I can't believe how she used me right up until the day I got served. This means she was filing her papers on the 1st. Our divorce is barreling along. She is re-writting our past. Unbelievable. I am losing my wife, friend, lover, our future together, our house. I , at best, will get to see my kids 1/2 of the time. I wish we could've held on while she struggled with this, but she sees me as the reason for her life as it is.

Mlc has destroyed my family. I have known a lot of people that survived being apart for a while. I did not leave the relationship. Sorry I don't have good news. i was the best dad and husband I could be, sacrificed for my family, tried to give them what they wanted. Everything done is being forgotten, or worse, twisted from reality. Please say a quick prayer for my kids. Don't see this as turning out very good for any of us.

I can totally feel for you and I couldn't agree with you more that kids are the one who suffer. My hubby of 14 years told me on 4th of July that he has been unhappy for many years and we were not communicating. We both have very successful career and we do have different interests but we do things as a family during weekends and on vacation. He said he wants to be friends forever and be there for my kids. However, he doesn't want to live like this for the next 20 years. I asked if we can work out the difference together. He said he does not want to give me false hope since he thinks we are two individuals and it is just not that easy to talk to me.

Not sure if this is MLC but surely sounds like it. He told me I can date others but I told him how can I do that while still married to him. He said that the kids, and our family don't need to know. I thought I could stand living like this for awhile but only a week past and I cannot stand living like this anymore. My sister in law's family is visiting this weekend (right now) so he had to share a bed with me. Of course no communication and with back turned from me last night, why do I want a marriage that only looks okay from outside and horrible from inside.

Hang in there, must be difficult for you. I still could not believe I am doing this right now also since I thought my life was so smooth to this point of my life.

PickleJ

To PickleJ

Many times when a spouse says that he is ok with his wife dating others, it means he is dating others. Also, in some states this can have negative impact on a spouse getting alimony. Except for violence, whatever you do, don't move out of the house. If he can't live like this for another 20 years, neither can you, but he has to leave.

You hang in there too. Like yours, my spouse refused to try to work things out. Now I am dealing with her legal team.

Big Dog, & the Little Porch is 4 Sale

Thanks for your words and advice. I am not going to move out of the house. I am still very hurt from his words and his determination to not even work out the communication issues. He told me just now that we are in a dead relationship and I don't even know it. He will be looking for a better relationship next time.

Within the last two months, he has been texting nonstop from his blackberry, even during driving. When I/kids confronted him, he would put down for a sec and continued. Yesterday while he was at shower, I took a look at his messages. It was 7:30 am and he/this woman at work already texted 4 times to each other, including "I had a long run this morning, how was your stomack, ..etc". I did confront him after shower and he said they are just friends. She's 27 (with a boyfriend) and he's 44. I really should have seen it coming. Coming from my background, I always thought once you're married, that will be for a lifetime.

Are you getting shared custody of the kids? The arrangement will be very strange since he said he will be here everyday after the kids get off school and then leave around 8 - 9 pm to go to the condo (since I don't get home until 5:45 - 7:00). He said I need to allow him to see the kids since we don't want this to turn into a big ugly custody battle.

I need to find what I need to do and what I want to do for my life. You will need to focus on yourselves to see what you want to do for your life. Hopefully when we look back 5 years from now, everything would pass. I still haven't told my family and my co-workers. Just wondering how to even start and would this hurt my career.

You need to have good lawyers to deal with the sitch.

PickleJ

I too am going through my husband of 31 years, mid life crisis. He turned 50 this year, decided he didn't want any responsibility any more. Took up with not a younger woman, but an OLDER woman than I am. He is 50, I am 53. He took up with a woman 55. I too, had the kind of marriage every one aspired to have. We never fought rarely argued about anything. Went just about everywhere together. 5 years ago, we lost our only child, in a horrific car accident at age 20. Needless to say we were devastated. I was just starting to come out of the depression that I have been in for 5 years. Now I get to go through Hell again with this crisis. I caught him with, you guessed it, cell phone records of text messages and phone calls. He too expected me to start screaming and calling him names, and kicking him to the curb. I didn't. I was very calm and rational about it, which surprised him. I wanted to go to counseling and work on fixing the problem. He said we had grown apart and he was ready for a divorce. He said the last couple of years had been rough. So for 29 years it was good, then the last 2 were rough. I would think the odds were in our favor to save the marriage, but he doesn't even want to bother. Now that he has another woman waiting in the wings, he is ready to throw the 31 year marriage out with last weeks garbage. I too, was completely blind sided by this. Its like he drove a dagger right through my heart. He claims they haven't slept together. But at the very least, its an emotional affair as he has divulged intimate information to her that he should have been discussing with me. He went to her and told her what our problems were, but never bothered to tell me we had one. He claims to be in love with this woman and that she is his very best friend. Oh by the way, she has been married 4 times already. This is both our 1rst and only marriage. She had no problem trying to make him her 5th marriage. This mid life crisis has changed him. He is not the man I married. The man I married used to tell me divorce was not in his vocabulary, he did not believe in divorce. After 31 years, the man has found a new vocabulary! The man I married would never even have thought of doing this. But this man not only has done it, and is still doing it, but continues to say he is not having an affair. There are all kinds of affairs, and he is definately having one.

After the devastation of losing our daughter, I am not sure that I will survive this too. But if I do, I will be like the phoenix rising from the ashes and be a stronger person for it. I will be able to survive anything after surviving two of the most horrible things a woman has to go through.

Are you still checking your responses to this post. I would love to speak with you about what has happened since you posted. My husband of almost 20 yrs. is going thru a mid-life crisis, and i, too, am devastated. This is October and I've been dealing with it since January. If anyone that want's to talk about it sees this post...my email is marlenekwhite@msn.com Thanks for your time.

So glad to see someone's success story but my husband refuses to go to counseling. He says if we can't solve it ourselves then it's not going to work. I am at a loss...he says and does the most hurtful things. It's like he's a totally different person. It's been over 10 months so i'm hoping to stay patient and together and we will work it out. He says he won't file for divorce and we will stay together unless i agree to a dissolution. He doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' to our 6 adult kids. sigh...patience patience patience...

Marlene

This might be your husband's midlife crisis. I've had one and I'd like to say what's the best thing to do to address a crisis like this:

In the parable of the sower, where the seeds are being planted and the desire is for good grain to grow, the seeds fall into various places. One place is hard and dry, and the seeds can't sprout at all. One place is right on a pathway where people walk, and the seeds may sprout but they'll get trampled. One place is in the dark nd the seeds may sprout but they can't find the light and can't create the food they need. But one place is good, healthy soil that is protected from trampling and given proper watering.

I wouldn't know what to do that would address the particulars, but I'd like to encourage you to stay on your eating requirements and especially get you and those you take care of living with good nutrition because then your mind will be clear and your physical energy will be adequate for you to handle stress. I'd think that with your gastric bypass surgery, you ought to be taking liquid minerals and the vitamin supplements your doctor recommends, because the nutrition in you is what makes your brain, your hormones and your emotions regulate themselves. Be healthy ground. Get your fresh air and sunshine.

Whether you do a complete overhaul or just start throwing the cigarettes away as soon as they stop tasting good, or dump the shot or the beer down the drain as soon as it doesn't refresh you anymore, and do gradual improvements, even making the effort will help you feel better and put you in a state of mind that is better for dealing with these challenges.

This is my two cents' worth.

Not sure but think my wife has/is going through the MLC and has turned to my best friend for what seems and Emotional Affair. At first I thought it was a full physical affair she was having with him but having confronted both of them I am pretty sure having spoken to my best friend that it is a case of her turning to him for emotional support using me as the excuse due to the fact my health had been poor. My question is should I now speak to my friend quietly and explain what I feel my wife is going through and hopefully point out that she needs help getting through this not encouragement to be deceptive which is what has been the case. On the positive side she is still living in the same house and says does not want to leave but is sleeping sepratley. Says she could not leave because would worry to much how I was and the kids would be devastated so not sure if that is good or bad. I am trying to be strong to be there and offer the support its hard and some days I feel stronger than others but I'm still here and I think she has been going through the MLC for approx 6 months. It has taken me 4 months to relies what it was.

Hi hope you can give me some advice. Not sure but think my wife has/is going through the MLC and has turned to my best friend for what seems and Emotional Affair. At first I thought it was a full physical affair she was having with him but having confronted both of them I am pretty sure having spoken to my best friend that it is a case of her turning to him for emotional support using me as the excuse due to the fact my health had been poor. My question is should I now speak to my friend quietly and explain what I feel my wife is going through and hopefully point out that she needs help getting through this not encouragement to be deceptive which is what has been the case.

One thing you might ask her to do is wait and think about it a good, long time before she makes any moves.

It takes time to ask yourself...

...if your unhappiness is really to blame on someone else, or could it be your own attitude. If someone were making you unhappy, can they or should they change, or is that not workable? Then, what are other possible attitudes to take?

Another question you have to answer for yourself is, has life passed you by? Is everything you want right now gone away into the past, wasted in your youth? Or could there be better things to want right now, and what are they? Have those things like your energy, passion and enthusiasm gone forever, or could you get them back? Do those things come from a lover, or do they come from inside you?

Do you think your family will be in pain, and will they lose faith and trust in you? Does your family's faith and trust have to be the price you pay for having excitement and passion in your life again if you decide to have an affair? Or is there a way to grow and find your true self and your passion without stepping out of the family circle? Would your loved ones stand by you and trust you after you decided to break away?

I hope your spouse will explore the questions because there's so much to be gained from facing these issues honestly and openly, and nobody can help you on this part of your journey because nobody lives inside you but yourself.

Hope this can help or at least send out a helpful energy.

I know what you mean I am living this right now. I notice your post was from June, so I am sure a lot more has happened at this point.

It got too painful and I asked him to leave. He was hoping to stay until his parents left for the winter home, but I could not take him sleeping in the basement on an airmatress anymore. It has been a long time already, but he has not made any legal moves. He is disconnected and has one friend that he relies on only. This patience thing is destroying me inside and our family. THe kids don't expect anything from him and are scared. The more that I don't love you is that I always have gotten my way and him leaving once again affirmed that according to him. I asked him to leave before he was ready. Since leaving though, he stops in all the time whether I am there or not. Always asks where I am and tells me where he is .. I just want to shake him. His family is calling and he is living with his parents but there is not real communication. I think he wants them to do more, but I can tell them what to do.. I know my husband, he is the type that if you don't call you don't care, but he rarely makes the call. Help me out here.. I feel stuck.

For about two seconds I looked at him as a whole person and thought he's really okay. I could like that guy.

See what happens when you get yourself back into a semblance of balance?

I have talked to his mom and my freind about everything. Both of them say that there is no way he is going to go thru with this. They say he is just confused and needs some time to figure things out. I know he cares. He tells me I am a great person and mom, he does not deserve me, he loves me but is not in love with me. I know everyone we know will be shocked. We were the couple everyone else was jealous of. I dont get it. I am trying so hard not to break down and cry or throw up every waking moment of the day. I can barely function for the sake of my kids. I literally feel like someone is pulling my stomach out. I dont know how I am going to make it through fathers day tomorrow. I am going to do everything for the kids sake, the whole breakfast in bed thing, church, etc. I just hope I can get it together. Last night we celebrated my daughters b-day with all my family. He sat here appearing to have a great time, laughing, joking, playing with my nephew who is HIS godchild!!! Does he realize he is going to be giving all of that up? no more happy birthday parties. One of his best freinds is my brother.

"but you really can make a difference if you will support your son and get him doing things he loves to do,"

Not only will this help your son but it will help you as well.

Best of luck.

One of my best friends has his world rocked right out from under him sending him into 2 years of anxiety, frustration and depression at 50. Unlike many others who write here however he didn't turn to drinking, infidelity, etc. but it was still quite a strain on everyone involved. Fast forward to today and his marriage is strong, he's back on his feet and I would definitely call it a happy ending.

The circumstances might be different and a critical factor was that he turned inward to face his demons. He didn't act out and stray which kept his family on his side as they worked their way through it.

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My husband of 17 years has suddenly decided he does not love me and there is no working this out. He tells me I am great, there is nothing I did worng, I am his best freind, but there is no romantic love between us. We have 3 children. I am devestated. He finally confessed there is someone at work he is interested in, but nothing has happened yet. He said he expected me to kick him out, but I love him. If you ask anyone who knows us they would say we are the last people you would expect this to happen to. We dont fight, we get along. I have been completely blind-sided but this.

Very sorry to hear your story. As you read the various discussion posts at LifeTwo you will read many similar stories. Do your best to take care of yourself during this very challenging time even though proper diet, rest, exercise, remaining social connections might be the furthest thing on your mind. Between dealing with your husband and insuring that your children are sheltered from as much as possible it is easy to see how you might have little left for you but try anyway. The other thing that you will read is that these kinds of things play out over a long period of time so no matter what directions it goes it is likely going to take awhile to get there, This brings us back to insuring that your needs are addressed during this--not just your husband's.

Good luck and you have our thoughts.

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how often does this turn out okay? I am sure everyone has there own timeline. I am giving him his space and time. We are starting counselling. We dont fight. Everyone tells us we have wonderful children, we agree on raising them. We are both loved at our jobs, church, our kids schools. We have great families, not screwed up or anything. There was no warning, it came out of the blue. he recently got a promotion at work and went from working at home to be at the office. I think that had made a huge impact on him. he does not think we can rekindle our love, and I just dont get that. Why not try?

My wife doesn't care. Plain and simple. If she loved our son as much as she loves herself, she would try everything to wor it out. Period. No need to unravel it. If that is who she is, then I am not going to be with someone like that. That is a foreign thought process to me. So, as they say, good luck and good night. She will be seeing the therapist Monday night and I will be telling her that she needs to go and stay with her parents. I am very uncomfortable when she is here and when she is not. If she were gone, I could start changing paint colors and rearranging to make the house mine. she says that we should seperate for 6 months and not see anyone to see if the break helps. I've news for her, I am not going into it like that. As soon as she leaves, I am going to work as hard as possible to move on. I will be civil and nice for my sake and for that of my son. If she were to reconsider down the line, I find it hard to see a way that I would accept her back. It would be an extreme situation for me to reconsider. Tae my advice and do the same. If he loves you, he will come back, if not, you will be further along in the process if you start now. Hang in there. I am obviously on the upswing of my emotional rollercoaster. Here's to you ride bac up!!!! :)