Are there any MLC stories that end with a happy marriage?

One of my best friends has his world rocked right out from under him sending him into 2 years of anxiety, frustration and depression at 50. Unlike many others who write here however he didn't turn to drinking, infidelity, etc. but it was still quite a strain on everyone involved. Fast forward to today and his marriage is strong, he's back on his feet and I would definitely call it a happy ending.

The circumstances might be different and a critical factor was that he turned inward to face his demons. He didn't act out and stray which kept his family on his side as they worked their way through it.

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My husband of 17 years has suddenly decided he does not love me and there is no working this out. He tells me I am great, there is nothing I did worng, I am his best freind, but there is no romantic love between us. We have 3 children. I am devestated. He finally confessed there is someone at work he is interested in, but nothing has happened yet. He said he expected me to kick him out, but I love him. If you ask anyone who knows us they would say we are the last people you would expect this to happen to. We dont fight, we get along. I have been completely blind-sided but this.

Very sorry to hear your story. As you read the various discussion posts at LifeTwo you will read many similar stories. Do your best to take care of yourself during this very challenging time even though proper diet, rest, exercise, remaining social connections might be the furthest thing on your mind. Between dealing with your husband and insuring that your children are sheltered from as much as possible it is easy to see how you might have little left for you but try anyway. The other thing that you will read is that these kinds of things play out over a long period of time so no matter what directions it goes it is likely going to take awhile to get there, This brings us back to insuring that your needs are addressed during this--not just your husband's.

Good luck and you have our thoughts.

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how often does this turn out okay? I am sure everyone has there own timeline. I am giving him his space and time. We are starting counselling. We dont fight. Everyone tells us we have wonderful children, we agree on raising them. We are both loved at our jobs, church, our kids schools. We have great families, not screwed up or anything. There was no warning, it came out of the blue. he recently got a promotion at work and went from working at home to be at the office. I think that had made a huge impact on him. he does not think we can rekindle our love, and I just dont get that. Why not try?

My wife doesn't care. Plain and simple. If she loved our son as much as she loves herself, she would try everything to wor it out. Period. No need to unravel it. If that is who she is, then I am not going to be with someone like that. That is a foreign thought process to me. So, as they say, good luck and good night. She will be seeing the therapist Monday night and I will be telling her that she needs to go and stay with her parents. I am very uncomfortable when she is here and when she is not. If she were gone, I could start changing paint colors and rearranging to make the house mine. she says that we should seperate for 6 months and not see anyone to see if the break helps. I've news for her, I am not going into it like that. As soon as she leaves, I am going to work as hard as possible to move on. I will be civil and nice for my sake and for that of my son. If she were to reconsider down the line, I find it hard to see a way that I would accept her back. It would be an extreme situation for me to reconsider. Tae my advice and do the same. If he loves you, he will come back, if not, you will be further along in the process if you start now. Hang in there. I am obviously on the upswing of my emotional rollercoaster. Here's to you ride bac up!!!! :)

I have talked to his mom and my freind about everything. Both of them say that there is no way he is going to go thru with this. They say he is just confused and needs some time to figure things out. I know he cares. He tells me I am a great person and mom, he does not deserve me, he loves me but is not in love with me. I know everyone we know will be shocked. We were the couple everyone else was jealous of. I dont get it. I am trying so hard not to break down and cry or throw up every waking moment of the day. I can barely function for the sake of my kids. I literally feel like someone is pulling my stomach out. I dont know how I am going to make it through fathers day tomorrow. I am going to do everything for the kids sake, the whole breakfast in bed thing, church, etc. I just hope I can get it together. Last night we celebrated my daughters b-day with all my family. He sat here appearing to have a great time, laughing, joking, playing with my nephew who is HIS godchild!!! Does he realize he is going to be giving all of that up? no more happy birthday parties. One of his best freinds is my brother.

That is rough. I really feel for you. You have to hang on for your kids sake. The thing that you need is closure. If it is going to happen, you need to know.

I have finally accepted what my wife is telling me. We started to argue this morning then it turned into a honest conversation. We then cried together and told each other how we felt about one another. It was so emotional. I tolde her why I am so thankful to have had her in my life and she did the same. I went to my first yoga class and had a crazy zen moment of clarity. I had told her to move to her parents by Wednesday because she is going out late on Thursday with work friends (karaoke). I came home after yoga crying and telling her that she can stay as long as she needs and I will help in any way that I can. I want to be nice and want to love her through this. I am so tired of being angry all the time. I was angry in marriage because I was not happy. Yes our marriage is potentially ending, but she is right. We have split apart in many ways. We need separation. It may lead to a divorce as we both think is likely, but we are holding out a sliver of hope that we may end up needing each other. I'm scared and already feel lonely, but I am on the right track. I can feel it. Going to yoga and now kickboxing are things that I wanted to do but never did. I got complacent and didn't nurture myself or my relationship.

What I took so long to say is that you need to look at your relationship honestly and see if you can objectively find some cracks. They are there. If they weren't, he wouldn't be looking to leave. It doesn't mean it is your fault. You just need to find the answer. It may not be crystal clear but it will lead to a answer. Once you get to that point, you will see much more clearly. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but at least you will know. For me, the answer was that there are problems with both of us, and most importantly, I need to work on myself. No matter what happens to us, I need to work on myself. Either my wife or my next girlfriend/wife, will be much happier with the product that I put out there. I know this is a little deep, but maybe it will help you. If not, I am thinking about you and your family and truly hope you find happiness.

I'll be checking back if you need to talk.

So much for trying to be nice to the STBX. Here's what happened so I figured that I should post it so that it may help others:

Well, where do I begin. I have been working on being nicer to the STBX and was going to let her stay until she found an apartment.

Then, tonight, she was acting super nice. Too nice. We had watched TV while she rode the exercise bike. Afterwards, she mulled around and sat at the computer. I could tell she was wanting to ck her work email. I went into the other room and walked out quickly. She had her email up and closed it quickly. I confronted her and as usal she strongly denied it. I told her to open her email if there was nothing to hide. She was nervous as hell.

She finally admitted that she had met someone at one of the work mixers and they were emailing and seeing each other. She said that they had not been "together yet". I went ballistic... a controlled ballistic. what I mean is, I was relieved to know what most of you and my gut already knew. I just wanted her to feel my pain and be scared. I never touched her or threatened her. I just wanted her to see what I was feeling. I was kind of laughing inside because I new that she was freaking out. For once, I was in control.

I called her mom and dad and told them to get ther room ready because she had cheated on me. I was polite and calm. Her mom cried and told me that she was sorry and loved me. I told her I was sorry too. The STBX was begging me not to call. Too freaking bad!!!

I made her pack her expensive clothing and all her easy to carry crap. I threw her clothes on the floor. The whole time my son slept in his room. He never woke.

My friend came over just to make sure I was ok and I am. I think I reacted strongly for two reasons:

1) I wanted her to finally know what was being done to me for the last 3 weeks. She has let me suffer and beat myself up while she was having this affair.

2) I wanted to end it once and for all. No way back. Never give her or me a chance to give it another try. I want to move past her. I never want that again.

I have been beaten down for years. Nothing in this house is mine. I mean, everything I had was stupid or worthless to her so it went in the trash. My little worthless life meant nothing to her (so she thinks). I need to find myself and find my dreams again. The Harley, the 68' Cadillac, the camping trips, all of the things that I like to do and that were erased. I let it all go because she needed to be in control. As they say, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Never been more true than now.

I will always look at Fathers Day as an Anniversary. The day I started to live again.

I will also now be very civil to the STBX for my son's sake. I am going to kill her with kindness. I am done being angry. I want to be happy again. I want to let it go. I know I have a long road ahead but I am ready. I am going to not talk about her or the situation as much as possible. I will not get into it with her when I have to see her.

Well, I need to get some sleep. My boy will be up in about 5 hrs. He is looking to go to breakfast and then Fishing for the first time. Big day. My day. Love you all and I will need you as I ride the Rollercoaster. Help me be happy and strong. Good night and Happy Fathers Day to all the Fathers!

That was me up above posting Happy Fathers Day.

I am so pleased to see a response like yours, like you my husband has also decided he cannot decide what he wants. He is away a lot and probably has the chance to do many other things, he has decided I am boring and fat (UK Size 8!!!) I have decided to find someone who loves me as I am. He is welcome to sleep with someone else if that is what he feels is right. However he is not welcome to come back afterwards. The choice is his! I think sometimes you have to be strong enough to say this is not good enough for me, and if someone canno love or respect you enough to treat you accordingly then you have to take the immediate pain but know that eventually you will be bettter off, as at least you are left with self respect. i would love an answer that involves a longer marriage (17 years before sudden MLC and now everything (me from his perspective is wrong) he even said he wouldn't find me intersting in a pub! I thin it is time for him to go out and find someone who intersts him, but to know - he will not be coming back! And for all those women out ther who think I should be thinking of the children - I AM!!! i am not prepared to let my children (6 & 8) grow up thinking that this is an acceptable standard of living, and way of treating a partner! they should learn love and respect and if that is not what we are showing then it is time for a new start!!! Good luck to you too, from someone who is about to be on a downswing but will get back up soon enough!

my wife just got up one satday morning and informed me she was leaveing no why wat for or anything just there must be something better well we both work things are hard at minute but so are lots people the funny thing is her better was moveing in with her friend who she goes out with at week ends now i thought this a bit funny as every week end her friends boy friend stays now just out of cureriosity i whent and stayed out side her friends house a few week ends to see if she was seeing some one may be her mates boy friends mate or something but no nothing she just went home with her mate and boy friend every time they went home home now i dont know a lot about MLC but my wife is 39 but only looks 29 and always gets comments from blocks on how good she looks she has lost so much weight she is a size six she is not botherd about my son who is only 11 could this wieght loss and MLC be the couse please help

I don't know if you can do anything with your wife in her state of mind, but you really can make a difference if you will support your son and get him doing things he loves to do, and listen more than you talk, if he's a talker.

"but you really can make a difference if you will support your son and get him doing things he loves to do,"

Not only will this help your son but it will help you as well.

Best of luck.

my husband left me 4 weeks ago told me hes been papering over the cracks for years hasnt loved me for 10years dosnt want family life any more ive begged him not to go through with this but he did everytime i see him he keeps remininding me how he feels and then gives me a big hug and kiss but we have both agreed on no contact for few months because iv taken it really bad we have been together 21years married 18 have 3 lovely children 18,16,14 could you please give me some helpful advice

Crumbs - I wish I had your strength. I think my husband is going through a MLC. He says he is very confused about how he feels. He assures me there is no OW and I believe him as he is a very blunt man when it comes to honesty. He is due to leave the army in a few months and my perspective on it is that he is panicking and can't deal with the prospect of not being in such a disciplined environment (He has been in the army for 23 and half years).

I cannot let him go as I believe my husband is still in there somewhere and just needs time but there are days when I feel that I deserve better than this and wish I had the self respect and strength to just say fine - if you want to go and have a life without any being tied down just do it!!

I am normally a strong outgoing woman but this has knocked my self-esteem and I love him very much.

"...we have been together 21years married 18 have 3 lovely children 18,16,14 could you please give me some helpful advice"

Yes we can.

1. Take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Do not discount professional counseling. Make sure you are eating properly and getting exercise even though these might be the furthest things from your mind.

2. Make the kids the priority. Your children are at a critical age and they need at least one parent to be on solid ground.

3. Leverage your support network of friends and family. You are not being a burden by going to them for help and advice. In fact they will likely be flattered you think highly enough to ask them.

Keep posting and sharing.

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check this website, very helpful: midlifewivesclub.com

After many months of added stress with job and commitment to exercise he has now told me he does not love me anymore . The week before that he will always love me and the weeks before that he was saying i love you at prompted moments. THe most impactive major bone of contention has been his commitment to body building and exercise and being sure that he can fit that in his day before any leftover time can be accounted for. He is making his best friend his only form of communication, who by the way, best friend is a very strong person always telling him how he should be a tougher supervisor and not get shit on. So now,, I sit and wait,, on eggshells for him to decide he can't take the pressure of staying in the home or leaving. While I fear him leaving as the impact on the kids will be great, I also get angry that I can't be the one to go. Either way I will have to clean up his mess. I do love him, seeing a counselor and reading as much self help as possible. The weak moments are hard.. Any suggestions?

The fact that he goes from saying I love you unprompted to "I do not love you" shows that his head is all over the place. You are seeing a counselor which is great. Patience is the key and also seeing if you can get him to open up. Don't pressure him with questions if you can avoid it and try not to rush in and argue the points he makes. I think the first step is just getting him to share more than "I don't love you anymore" which doesn't tell you anything. Is he unhappy, depressed or feeling like he isn't doing everything in his life that he expected to? Does he think that leaving this marriage is going to allow him to pursue his dreams or lift weights all day? It's no fun going through what you are going through and your feelings are understandable. Unfortunately there just aren't any easy fixes. The best thing would be for him to go to counseling himself, with or without you, but that is easier said than done. Make sure to take care of yourself and your kids during this difficult period.

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this was by far the best piece of advice i have read in a very long time. it's been three years for me since i tried to make it work with my husband who was in a midlife meltdown. looking back it really wasn't worth my time or energy. he did and said all the same crazy stuff you talked about. as far as I know he's still no further along. i on the other hand have a new relationship, have made my house my own again and have found happiness in the activities i enjoy. no more having to hear how unhappy he is blah,blah,blah. no more sitting around waiting for him to get out of his funk to participate in life with me. now i have an activity partner who is interested in me and the things i love to do. why waste you empty nest years with an ungrateful bore. move on and do it fast. i wouldn't have been able to deal with him this long, he would have completely depleted me. your saniity is worth more!

My relationship of 30 (yes 30 years) has just ended. I didn't realize at the time it was a mid-life crisis but I do now. All the classic symptoms. He has quit his job and moved almost all the way across the country to live in the town he was in when we met over 30 years ago and moved in with his girlfriend he had before me - over 30 years ago. He had not seen her in over 30 years but she connected with him over the internet and then by telephone. Her 3rd marriage is in the midst of falling apart and her husband is in the hospital but she moved my husband into the bed with her 16 year old son in the house. I had no idea of any of this until I found a video he made for her on our computer. Im' still in shock and trying to figure out how to pull my life back together. Talk about a roller coaster ride. The pain right now is unbearable but I'm determined not to let him destroy me life - I will go on and become a much better person for this. I'm pretty sure where his relationship will end up - it was built on lies and betrayal but that is his problem now and he will have to live with the consequences for the rest of his life. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm going to celebrate as a re-birth of my new and more fulfilling life.

"The pain right now is unbearable but I'm determined not to let him destroy me life - I will go on and become a much better person for this."

You're correct. It will be painful but take it one day at a time. Stay in the day. It does get better. Setbacks occur but you can move through them. I found help through friends. Compared to my wife and the flotsam in her life, I have a little army of healthy, balanced people. Don't let this moment define you. That would be a loss.

Your husband's new thrill will fall apart. It's rotten from the core. It's bound to. With all do respect they both sound like abject losers. One could say that he is under the influence of an MLC. I say bollocks. He made a choice.

I made my greatest movement forward when I let go, let my wife take off, sold the house and split the equity. You don't know what you are capable of until this thing works itself out. It's been two years and I can only vaguely remember the panic-stricken victim I was when things fell apart.

You canread these postings and know a lot of us have been where you are. Just hold on. Whenit get's really bad, call a good friend or family member.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. It truly does help. And I'm already finding out that I am capable of doing things that I didn't think I could.

I'm glad to be of help. In the early phases, I was the walking wounded. My wife reveled in asserting her control. I resolved never to argue, raise my voice or plead. I did end up yelling at her three times however. But overall I kept my composure.

I stayed away from my wife as much as possible once I could see that her only interest was in seeing how low she could take me. She made some pretty cruel and cuttting remarks. I'd dash to the phone first chance I got and call up a friend.

I tried to maintain my routine - Look my best, feel my best and do my best. When I stumbled and felt the urge to let things go to hell I remembered that it's progress not perfection that counts. Never invest time into examining what you did wrong. The tendency is to magnify them and end up feeling worse. No future in it. I'd remind myself of these things every day. I had to.

In time you will come to respect yourself for living well under these most disheartening circumstances. I looked at this as a bad season, a disastrous one. But seasons do pass.

Now it seems as if something has shifted. My wife is harried and unpleasant. She's like the "pigpen" character on Charlie Brown - there's always a cloud around her. She whines. Things are never right. She wants a new car, a new home. Always broke. As long as she's doing right by our daughter on the days she has custody - her troubles don't concern me. I'm not angry or bitter, but detatched and focused on living.

The more I can actually say that I've risen above her. I can feel it. I wonder about the future. I try and do the next right thing and surrender. Small things gratify me now. It's been a rough two years but, when this ride started, I never thought I'd ever feel so placid inside my own skin.

I'm 46 and have taken care of myself I think about dating but then get the feeling that there are a ton of women out there like my ex-wife and it scares the living hell out of me. Then I realize that's a silly thing to be concerned about, considering what I've been through. I'm a closet optimist.

I can relate to what you said about the control thing. I think that's how my husband justified in his mind that what he was doing was "taking control of his life". I have to admit that when I initially found out what was happening I went through what seems to be the "normal" response - shock, despair, anger, trying to show him I could change and make this marriage work. That phase lasted about six weeks - during which time he was still in constant communication with this other woman. I think that was what hurt the most - that despite that fact that I was trying everything I could think of he was already past the point of caring. It took me awhile to realize that. When I did I couldn't get him out of the house fast enough He's been gone about six weeks now. Aside from a few e-mails to him regarding his mail I haven't communicated with him. That seems to be the recommendation - no contact is better. However on his side I am getting e-mails every couple of weeks that originally started off "Hope all is well" - did he think he was on holidays back there? Now the e-mails are "Please let me know how you are doing" - a whole bunch of guilt I suspect. I have no intention of responding. I'm trying to be the bigger person - if you can't say anything good it's best not to say anything at all. Most of the anger has gone - that was so destructive to my health but now all that is left is the pain. I'm trying to do all the right things - keep busy. I'm taking up photography - I've joined a club. Something I always wanted to do but never got around to. I'm also getting involved in a support group - one that not only deals with the emotional issues but also the practical side of things - like how to deal with the everyday life issues and starting over. Did you get involved in a support group or did you have enough friends to help you? One of the things I'm finding is that most friends are part of couples. During the week I don't find it too bad - I work and that helps. But the weekend, particularly Sunday can get pretty depressing. As you said one day at time - I just have to remember on the depressing days there is a good one around the corner. It helps writing to someone who has been there and can relate to me.

A support group would have meant introducing too many new people into my life at a pretty fragile time. I didn't feel like I was not in a good enough state of mind to discern the people who could be allies versus the unhealthy ones.

I have friends and family. The shock of my wife's antics and the abruptness of her demand for a divorce staggered me. I would have crashed without the friends who rallied around me. Most were married but it didn't make a difference. They just listened to me rant and rave, invited me to their homes for a walk or cup of coffee/dinner and told me to hang in there because I'd come out okay on the other side. My problem was I could not see the other side.

I do have flashes of anger becasue of the self-centered betrayal but it quickly goes poof and disappears. I have far less negative things in my life now. I don't brood, don't look back too much.

I've found that one can act their way into a new way of thinking rather than think their way into a new way of acting. I'm a lot closer to the person I was meant to be than when I was compromised for the sake of marrriage. I have plenty to do. I'm a professional writer so there's always a new thing to learn, to research and to explore. You get to the point where being single is no abberation. It's your new life. It can be alright. You can survive this.

Funny how they want contact. I avoid my wife as if she were a leper. What are these people thinking? Stab a dagger into a person't chest, hurl insults and lies and in a few weeks we can be friends. Please. Every contact with her picked the scab off of healing wounds. And she knew it. So I shut her out in matters that did not involve our daughter.

I look at things this way: My divorce happened because it was supposed to happen. My wife could not/would not hold up her end in the long run.

I feel like not much else in the world can surprise me.

I understand what you mean about the support group - I am trying to be positive not reinforce the negative. The only thing I'm finding is that I don't have any family around me - they all live on the East Coast and as far as friends it was my best friend that stabbed me in the back. It's funny when you are together for 30 years our circle of friends seemed to shrink - I guess people change and develop different interests and we seemed to drift apart from most of them. We had each other and I guess at the time that seemed like enough. I guess I'm hoping with the support group that I can connect with other people that do have a more positive outlook and we can help each other. I can only try and if I find it is only bringing me down I can stop going. Everyone keeps telling me that for every door that closes another one opens. And you are right - these things happen for a reason. One day I would like to be able to look back at all this and remember the 29 years he was a good husband and not just the last year (that is how long he has been in communication with this woman). Am I being too optimistic? I hope not - I don't like to think of myself as a vindictive person.

I didn't mean to put support groups down at all. In the right circumstances they can be wonderful. Your world of people does shrink a little as you become more older, wiser and acquire different standards. But that's all a part of growth, I figure.

At the worst time of my crisis I had a fried who said the same thing about dors closing/opening. It burned me up. Another trite, cliche from the world of positive thinking, I thought.

I cannot say that doors are opening - it may be too early so I don't want to get my hopes up - but three areas of my life have gradually blossomed to the point where I am able to see huge potential.

I have two years of distance since my wife went nuts. I worked hard to move on and can say with certainty that she now occuppies less space in my head. With our daughter at camp for two week stretches, I have no reason to be in contact with my wife. I can go 2,3 days without thinking about her. When we do talk it's usually her whining or trying to goad me into a petty argument. I don't take the bait but listen and respond politely in a cold, business-like tone. Now she's the one having difficult days. I'm not gloating. I just don't care enough about her to get worked up or to wonder where it all went wrong. No future in that. True liberation.

Life is a very fluid, dynamic thing. Five yeras from now, I don't expect to be looking back too much. I'll see my marriage as an event that produced some good years and a wonderful child but ended amidst unfortunate cicumstances beyond my control. I hope to be busy living and practicing the things that I have learned since the debacle.

Mu advantage is the fact that we didn't have any children and with him living on the other side of the country I don't have to have any contact with him. It drives me crazy to think that he'll still be in my thoughts for the next few years. I just want to move on and fill my life with so much more that I don't have to think about him other than in casual passing -gee, I wonder what he's doing now? I know deep in my soul that I'm going to come out of this so much richer than him - not in financial terms but in every other aspect of life. I know there will still be moments of anger - we still haven't settled selling our home. That will likely fall on my shoulders - I don't particularly want him to come back out to "help" with that. I expect it will be very painful cleaning out the house. I still can't decide what I want to do with my living situation. I'm just not ready to face that yet - it will be the final break. I have a few more months before I have to deal with it so hopefully time will provide me with the answers.

I tried to not worry too much about the future. You can't know it. If I could have prediced the future I would have seen my wife's insanity before it happened.

Circumstances and feelings change. Whatever you think about the future is based on how you feel or think right now. That is bound to change. So will the circumstances.

Your house will get sold and you'll have the resolve to do it - because it simply has to get done. You are no less a person because of this. The one certainty I held on to throughout my nightmare was that I would always show up and take care of business.