This is freakin' scary! I have questions and need help.

MY HUSBAND OF 22 YEARS MOVED OUT 3 WEEKS AGO. SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT NEEDS SOMETHING MORE, NEEDS TO FIND HIM SELF. FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS AND WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY. WE HAVE BEEN GOING THRU SOMETHING FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS, IT'S JUST GETTING WORSE. I HAVE CRIED FOR 3 WEEKS STRAIGHT, NOW I'M FINALLY PICKING MY SELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. HE IS MY BEST FREIND, MY WHOLE LIFE AND THEN SOME. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT A DIVORCE BUT HE CAN'T GUARANTEE THE FUTURE. WHAT IS THAT! I HAVE SUGGESTED COUNSELING BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK TO ME LET ALONE ANYONE ELSE. HE SWEARS THERE'S NO ONE ELSE BUT NEEDS TIME ALL ALONE. HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING MARRIED 22 YEARS TO WANTING TO BE ALL ALONE. I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG I CAN BE ON THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. HE HAS BEEN MY WORLD UP TO NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM LOST AND A MESS. I'M HANDLING THIS THE BEST I CAN BUT DEFINATLY LOOKING FOR ANY ADVICE AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD GIVE HIM THE SPACE AND HOPE HE FIGURES THINGS OUT AND GETS LONELY. OR IF I SHOULD TRY TO BE IN HIS LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO REMIND HIM WHAT WE HAVE. YOU ARE RIGHT THEY ARE VERY SELFISH ALL I HEAR IS WHAT HE NEEDS, WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED AND HOW THIS AFFECTS ME AND OUR 2 GROWN KIDS. BY THE WAY HE'S ONLY 41.

It is respectful to take someone at their word.

I am sorry your heart is breaking.

I am a woman in her late 40s going through midlife for over 2 years now. I have been married 30 years. My problem is that my enjoyment of life seems to have jumped off a cliff without my permission! I've heard my husband and other men complain about women being driven by their emotions but now I often have no emotions or feelings. I think that this is even harder for men, so I don't know what they were complaining about to begin with. I do still get some enjoyment out of bible study and prayer times alone. Church, however, is very hard for me because I have absolutely no enjoyment of public music, public speaking, or being publicly scrutinized and I also can become distressed about what I am thinking/acting like in public settings my own self. I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of church but haven't enjoyed church for years now unless it is my own home church from which I have moved away.

I hear the stories about women complaining about their husbands and how hard it is for them. Well, my husband daily tells me about what is wrong with me. Sometimes, I feel like I don't like men anymore and frankly I find this to be more comfortable then being sexually attracted to them, which I find to be highly embarrassing. Sex, in this fallen world. What a mess! When I was younger all of this fallen activity was going on but I wasn't nearly as tortured by it, because I was blissfully unaware. Now, even sex with my husband seems fallen. I think that this is partly because he doesn't fulfill any of my emotional needs in order to keep sex from feeling like anything other than an animal act.

Can't do "for better or worse, for richer or poorer?"

I have no acumen about business, only opinions. All I can say is, now that the worst has happened with business, can your wife and your history together and your kids become the good thing going on in your life?

You would think that the changing world view has everything to do with it. Too many people are pushing away 'Who' really satifies in hopes of finding it in cheap sex, alcohol, drugs - you name the vise. It's a sad state that our world is finding itself decending to. Sadly, many more victims are casualties of this than we would like to be led to believe. And those that run, keep searching for the satisfaction that they'll never truly grasp. Sad.

-Jim

Married 36 years - I'm 58. I was told last Friday after a great dinner on our deck that this was the end of it apparently hasn't for 15 years. I'm slowly picking myself up off the floor. I've got to question myself as to what I did and will see a psychologist on Wed. by myself. I've got to question - is this rampant. I've just heard of 2 other couples 1 in his 50's going through this and now I've just discovered this blog. Is this the result of the rapidly changing world we live in?

7 months? I wish. This has been killing me slowly for 2 years now. The typical story..THE speech on how I love you..but not in love with you anymore. I am bored, I want excitement in my life. I got married young, and never experienced anything in life. I want the passion we had when we first were married. We are in our 40's, married 22 yrs so far. I have been riding THE rollercoaster for the past 2 years, with no forseeable end of the ride in sight. The past 2 weeks have been about the lowest they have been. She has bought up everything possible that she does dislike, has disliked, and will dislike about me and our relationship. I try to keep things together, hoping that the ride will end soon, but I am becoming more and more resigned to either A) this is now who she is B) Divorce is in the future. She says she is sorry for putting me through this, and that she is the one going to regret any decisions she makes. I just want to scream out "YOU ARE SO SELFISH THINKING THIS ONLY AFFECTS YOU!", but keeping the mouth shut at certain times helps...

Best of luck to you my friend, I can only say that this will only last as long as you have the patience and the love to allow her to find her way back, hopefully. As for me, I will be living in my hell as long as I can take it.

Trust me it aint a walk in the park!! We also feel like we are on a rollercoaster of mixed up feelings. I have been married 16 years and had an affair 7 months ago until he got smart and found out. I'm on medication to help clear my mind and am going to therapy. The meds have helped with my depression and anxiety and still I feel confused about being married and being a homemaker with my two kids who I love dearly. I'm at my wits end as well as you and probably your wife too! Luckily I have a very supportive husband and has been here for me. I just feel totally guilty for what I'm putting him th rough and sometimes I j ust want to take off but have nowhere to go. I have no job, no place to live, etc.... So, it's not easy on this side. My advise to you would be to let her do her thing. And let her figure out what is going on in her life and let her do what she needs to do. She may not feel like she's in love with you anymore as I feel with my husband, but there is hope!!

Take Care, Desperate and confused

Your story sounds just like mine only I am not 7 months into it it is just starting. so confusing, exciting, nerve racking, scarey and just don't know where to turn. Feel like I am loosing my mind. Married 20 years turning 50 in 6 months and never ever, expected this.

"Can someone give me any sense of a timeline? I mean how long will I be in this totureous limbo?"

Two very different answers. The timeline probably longer than you think it can be or that you can handle. Whatever happens is going to take quite awhile to play out. Even if the other "shoe" does drop, you can expect ups & downs to be the rule not the exception.

The much better news concerns the "limbo" you are feeling. You can get out of this limbo by getting more in control of your feelings regardless of what your spouse does or does not do. You read a lot in these discussion forums about how good people feel when they are able to start the healing process once they are able to assert some level of control over their lives and not leave it 100% in the hands of their significant other. You are in therapy which is good and I'm sure your counseling sessions are dealing with this aspect. The cliche "it is darkest before dawn" does in fact have some applicability. Even if it does not seem like it now as you read this, you will get through this.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

Wesley is 100% correct. Although mine ended in the divorce she wanted, I came out better and more responsible than I was up to this point in my life. I too was at a point of the lowest dispair that you can feel - I had NEVER felt like this at any point in my life. I think because it was the most unexpected, devistating news one can receive. Divorce can be worse than the death of a spouse for the simple fact that the spouse is still living and you have interaction with them (if you have kids.) Like Wesley said, you'll come out on the other side just fine. Seek counsel in good friends who have strong, supportive character and continue to openly share your thoughts with your therapist.

-Jim

I am going through the same thing. 17 years married and she filed for divorce after I busted her in an emotional affair with another guy. I was devistated. I recommend reading a book called "He Said, She Said". It really explains the differences between what men and women need in a relationship. After reading it, I recognized that my wife was giving me all of my emotional needs which is why I thought everything was fine. However, almost none of HER emotional needs were being met. This had been going on for years and it finally got to a boiling point (more like exploding point). This just started three weeks ago. She has been ice cold since and refuses to acknowledge that there is a chance to work it out. She is reluctantly going to counseling, possibly on the advice of her attorney so it doesn't look bad for her in court.

In any event, get that book and BOTH of you need to read the book so BOTH of you can understand what the other is feeling and going through. Another book to read second is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". That book too has perspectives for both men and women but I don't thikn it is as good as His Needs, Her Needs. While my wife seems to have built up concrete walls, I have not given up on our marriage.

OOPS, the book is HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, not He Said, She Said.

I must say that I disagree with Thomas Moore's view on religion and coupling it with "Dark Nights of the Soul." Perhaps you might try reading the Bible and not using another book as a substitute for what is intended to be The Manual for Life. I would suggest starting with 1 Corinthians 13, that will better suit the needs. Galatians is effective as well. Galatians 5:22, "But the fruit of the Spirit (yes, we all have the Spirit of Christ indwelling within) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, FAITHFULNESS, gentleness, and self-control, (emphasis mine)

-James

I have been married over 7 years and I truely do love my husband. We have two wonderful children together 7 and 5. My husband keeps telling me he wants a divorce. I tell him no I do not I believe we can fix this marriage. This has been going on since about Sept of this year. I have cried myself to sleep several nights and said why do I try cause he doesn't care. He has been off work since April of 2006 due to a car accident so i know that is part of the problem. He will go out with a guy friend and not come home till 2:30 or 4:00 and sometimes he does not come home till late morning. My mind wonders what in the world is he doing. Is he ok or what. He told me that he needs his space. He has to watch our kids while I am at work and that makes him say he is tied down. Isn't that his reponsibility also. I don't think I should have to pay for a babysitter when he is there. I am scared and don't know what to do can anyone help me. I don't want my marriage to end. I still love him very much. How long do midlife crisis last?

"Let the past go?" Does that include the wedding vows? I guess so.

Most of us men were never "invited ... to rejoin life". We had to face an affair, abandonment, sudden divorce etc. What was the "willing to reconcile" about? Why was the divorce "inevitable"? What happened? My goodness, twelve marriage proposals? Maybe it is not supposed to read like it or it is just me as a (bitter) man but this type of defiant and proud attitude of partners who have turned their spouse's life upside down does come across as self justification. Was the husband a bit too comfortable and unexciting? Perhaps the ex husband had expected to spend the rest of his life with you and to get some STRONG warnings if things were not going as you wanted them. You both got each other to where you were (for better or worse). Not surprising that he got "blown up in the minefield" (your minefield...nice image). Sorry if I have got your situation all wrong - I only have your post to go on.

Humility? Don't see it in your writing! As with my wife, I see no empathy. Somehow the ex husband was good enough to marry, to build a family with and to live with for many years. It was not unreasonable for him to be suspicious if his wife SUDDENLY decided that she wanted to get a motorbike, get a tattoo etc. It is very confusing behaviour that we are not able to understand. I was suspicious of my wife - guess what? I was right!

Nobody would argue that most couples probably need to re-evaluate their lives and relationships at some stage. We all get complacent and boring. We need a shake up and a reminder to make the most of life. The trouble is that the glorification and empowerment given to this MLC thing with all the flowery language and ultra positive metaphors is allowing it to happen too frequently, too aggressively and too quickly.

If your post was more contemplative and reflective then it would not reinforce the stereotype...

For better, for worse or until I get bored.

I was married for 27 years and with my husband for 30 years. I loved him with all my heart. It never occurred to me that this sweet, gentle, compassionate man would ever leave me. I adored him, up until the day he finally revealed that he was not only having an affair, but he essentially had been living with this women for a year. Looking back I saw all the signs, but he had so much trust in the trust bank that I felt bad if I questioned him.

I watch my husband spiral out of control for about 4 years, with the last 6 months of his life like being on a runaway train. Not only for me, but for our children who were along for the ride. I was completely blindsided by what would happen next.

Instead of asking for a divorce, counseling or anything else, he chose to end his life. For all of you who are afraid to let you love go, I say to you, that I would much rather have the father of my children and my husband in my life as a ex than have him gone forever. I am reasonably sure that we could of at least come out of this friends with the right love and compassion.

What is it they say, if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they don't come back they never were.

I certainly do not want to minimize your suffering, believe me, however, I would of given anything to have buried the man I loved versus the man I found out he had become feeling trapped in his mind from depression spawned by his MLC.

Peace and Love to you All.

Dawn

Last year when I was feeling my worst, it seemed to me like my horrible feelings would never stop and that it would be nice to go away, and that it might even be good for my husband and kids if I were gone. They'd learn.

Now I remember it but I learned something important: I am changeable. My mind is just a processor. It can't know the truth, it just does its best to approximate what is real. It's only in relation to other people that I can really know myself.

I am so sorry your husband let himself go down that road, and for what he put you through.

I do horrible things...I've been checking his messages and calls on his mobile...I feel terrible about this but I do it...Yesterday he came home just an hour before kids went to bed. We sat and had a cigarette together and then he went out to see a movie. Today, I checked his mobile again...After midnight, when the movie ended, he gave a ring to this girl again...I lost it totally! Today he won;t come home at all because he's going out, same again for friday. On saturday the kids and I are going back to our hometown for the holidays and he will be joining us next wednesday. I don't see him at all, and when he feels like talking, he talks to her. This morning, I was begging him to tell me if he has the intention to find someone else. He said no. I mentioned again the incident of england, he got furious. He said he had enough of me. I was throwing things down and I was screaming like crazy! It felt like I was losing my mind...I told him that by the end of school year (mid-june) I am leaving him...I also said that if I could I would leave today. He said that he is fed up with my ultimatums...He also said that my jealousy is paranoid... You're right... I have to be independent and find space for myself. It's so difficult when I live with him under the same roof (even under the circumstances that I'm describing). I'm lonely, I feel crazy, I'm scared and insecure but deep down I know two things: first that the situation needs to be CLEARED (so I have to go) and secondly, that I have to do so before he comes to me with the devastating news that he found a new love...Whether I act angry or "civilized", it doesn't really matter...He will find an excuse for doing so and at the end of the day, he might even say that it was somthing he hadn;t planned or foreseen... I guess, I'm already out of his life...it almost seems reasonable for him to be looking around...

Sounds very much like midlife crisis, with a person who appears to need counseling. The comment about who would want him really seems like it's coming from someone who is putting himself out there because of a need to feel desirable, as if he's not certain of that himself. You would hope people can find that support in their spouse, but they often feel that the spouse has to find them attractive, so that doesn't count. On top of that, it seems almost like someone who wants to drive a person to give them an excuse to leave the relationship. Mind you, this is all conjecture and certainly not an expert opinion, but there seems to be more than enough here to warrant seeking out counseling. If he doesn't want to go, do if for yourself.

I posted a comment a few hours ago, but I thought i set the background of my story last night, which I didn;t it (it does not figure anywhere in this forum so I probably didn;t send it properly). I am 36, married for 7 years and in a relationship with my husband for 13 years in total. We have two daughters, age 6 and 1. My husband is diabetic (Type I, since the age of 14). I would like to start by saying that our life so far hasn't been easy. We had several problems but at the end we always seemed to find the way to solve them. I am far more negative and miserable than him, he has always been more calm and positive and that worked in a therapeutic manner for myself...I also thought though, that I was offering a lot in this relationship. Because of his diabetes, our love life of the past 2-3 years has been difficult. I never complained, but he seemed to have a problem with it. His problem, as he claimed, was that he wanted us to have another child so, with medical support, we made it happen and gave birth to our wonderful baby girl last year. My complaint as far as this whole situation was concerned, was that love making was only done for this reason. He would approach me sexually only in my fertile days. I started thinking at that time that this couldn't be right. While I was pregnant he left for a business trip to another country for 3 months.By mistake, I found out at a certain point that he was seriously flirting with another woman. I was shocked! While I was pregnant, working, renovating our house and taking care of our daughter, he was miles away and he was doing this! It felt so unfair! I told him...he said he was indeed flirting...he also said that I tend to flirt myself from time to time and that he didn;t complain...I told him that when pregnant and in addition, your husband being so far away, makes jealousy and uncertainty increase...He said I was exaggerating. When he returned from his trip, I could not help but thinking about the other woman. Did he return out of pity? Was it just a matter of "must-do-the right thing"? Did he feel bad because of the children? Did he have any feelings from me? For a whole year I did tons of stupid things to attract his attention. I would pretend I was approaching other men, I would pretend I didn;t care about us... other times, I would just shout and scream and cry...He said I was paranoid... 2 months ago, we moved to a new city. He said he loved it here...One day, for a stupid reason again, I ended up shouting...He wasn;t helping me with things that needed to be done for the household and I claimed that it was because he didn;t care...He said absolutely nothing. A few days later, he told me things I could not believe: "I love you but not in the way that you want me too", I feel better when I'm alone", "all these years you've been pushing me too hard", "I want to be happy", "I don't regret our relationship, you are a good mother, but I need to sort out myself, I need to find myself". I thought that it was a temporary explosion of anger but 2 months later, he remains the same. On top of that, he says he feels very ill, very old and a loser, he wants to recapture his youth so, he buys clothers, spends hours in front of the mirror, goes out until very very late, drinks and smokes excessively...He has a bunch of male friends, he tells them that he is with them all the time because I work a lot and he is alone.He took his wedding ring off. We sleep in separate beds. although he gives me a hug every once in a while, he avoids my lips, he never kisses me... On top of all this, he has been closely linked with a girl at work...He says (once again) that nothing is going on...she is in another relationship and has told him that out of female solidarity she doesn't want to cause trouble in his marriage. He was upset because of this and decided that he won't be introducing me to the people he meets. I would also have to add here, that despite the claims this girl made, they talk to each other on the phone and exchange messages after midnight...Is that normal? If I did this to someone, I would feel that I'm encouraging him, not the opposite... Emotionally, I 've been through several stages. I wonder if he acts like that because he realizes, perhaps for the first time the serious implications of his illness, other times I think he is having an MLC, there are also times when I think I am the only one to blame...I ask him whether he wants to find someone else and he says "no". He adds however "who will want a sexually disfunctional diabetic as a partner?", which basically means that he would like to do something with someone else but he is scared... When I am down, he accuses me of making him guilty, when I am calm, he carries on his scedule of late hours without even calling, when I try to act more independent, he blames me for not being patient ("you don't wait for me to recover" etc). I said to him that he should seek medical advice and he says "no" because he is following what he considers to be the right path in his life. I tell him I feel weak, insecure, lonely and he looks at me with a frozen look... On saturday, the children and I are flying back home for the holidays. Today and tomorrow, the last two days that we have together, he has planned things with his friends. Essentially, last night was our last night together. He came back home just an hour before kids were put to bed. He had a cigarette with me and then went out to see a movie. I felt so hurt and lonely... I checked his mobile (as I wrote in my previous post) and around midnight, after coming back home from the cinema, he called this other girl. I lost it...I got furious! I asked him if he looks for someone else and he blamed me once again for my jealousy. I was throwing objects on the floor, I hit him with my hands, I lost it TOTALLY. At the end, I told him that I cannot stand all this anymore and that I will leave him by the end of this school year. He said he is tired of my ultimatums and that he doesn't understand what hit me and I ended up acting the way I did. I think I'm going to lose my head at the end...I cannot way for him to find someone else...what I'm going through is already too much! I wish I could leave today but there are so many things that have to be taken care before I do so, it makes the whole plan impossible to accomplish! 6 months ahead...It's a long time and I don;t know how (and if) I will make it. I feel terrible, weak, lonely, scared, insecure, angry, helpless... I'm worried about my children, I'm worried about my job...I need to stay strong but I cannot function in such obscure circumstances....Although I love him (god knows why, but I do!!), I think the only way forward at this stage is me disappearing from his life... Have I given up of him too easily? Nothing makes sense to me anymore...

we discussed again this morning and he said he will consider the possibility of leaving. I feel so hurt but on the other hand, deep down I know that this is the only way forward at this stage... By the way he is looking at me, I think he knows what he feels but is afraid to admit it... It's tough to throw your life away, but if he really wants to act as a "grown-up" (that's what he claims), then he needs to clear things up... I feel very very low today...I just hope that there's happiness and joy, somewhere in the future...

Joy in the future? Most definitely. Just keep your head about yourself and you'll do fine. Keep posting/venting on here and seek guidance from strong-charcter friends.

-Jim

I’m on my patio today for the first time in 6 days. Having spent the last three all but unable to get out of my bed, I just plain ‘ol made myself, poured a glass of wine and was - alone. Not able to contend with the chatter in my head I managed to do some things around the patio, my mood improving all the while. Yes, I KNOW I need to do this kind of thing more – just don’t have the energy to. Even worse, I just don’t have an interest to.

Anywhooo .... a half of glass of wine later, I find myself search for “women and mid-life crisis”, actually laughing when I catch myself thinking “where the hell did that come from” – did I say I was a half a glass of wine into it. This site came up (not more than 45 minutes ago) and after reading two articles and all of the posts on this thread (my God people are amazing - people living with people like me - I'm sorry {I'm alone so I don't see how it impacts husbands but I have alienated my most favourite person - my brother, and some close friends.) I realized ............. I’m not crazy. I’M NOT CRAZY.

And there is an end, and I’m doing the right things, and I will be better having gone through this. That feeling hopeless, worthless, empty, scared, alone, like I have to act all the time is normal. That others have wondered silently “my God how am I going to get though this”? I wonder if they ever wondered, “do I want to get through this”? I know they wondered, “can I?????”.

Breathe ... just breathe ... yes. I’m doing OK. I find such surprising comfort in knowing that I’m doing OK. Thank you. I always thought, or at least really, really hoped I was and now I see that there is a life after for others and Come Hell Or High Water there will be for me too.

A million thanks.

Susan

I'm your age and I've had to drop a lot of the stuff I used to like. There's a song that goes, "It's a coloring book that's all colored in..." and "what once was fun is now boring." My point, and I do have one, is that there are things you would like that you haven't discovered yet. This is a good place to be, because you are in store for more color and enjoyment than you even had the capacity to enjoy before this.

With regards to your husband fulfilling emotional needs...I have had trouble with that. But I really think you can take the steering wheel on your emotional needs, AND still stay faithful.

How? I...don't...know...

BUT I know that I enjoy my sex life more now, because I have found new dimensions to it. Can't explain any more than that.

Back again (have used the same subject header so you know who i am - i really must register!!). Just to update from last time...he text wednesday and said he was only able to offer friendship at the moment. I asked if he wanted my help and that i thought i may know what was wrong, i offered him the notes i have taken from my doctor and on-line. He said he would take the notes. I dropped them to his parents house yesterday. Later i text and asked if he had read them and if it sounded like how he was feeling etc. He agreed it did sound just like it!! His parents then apparantly asked him what was up because he had been staying there and not at mine. He told them we were over and that he neeeded time out. They took him out for a meal last night and he told me he planned to tell them everything else about how hes feeling. I text him about 10pm and said i hoped he was ok, that he had managed to tell them and that i hoped he felt a bit better for getting it out. I have had no reply and i have restrained myself from texting him this morning - we usually text just a 'morning, hope you are ok' etc. I dont know whether to text or not now - i s'pose im being selfish but i want him to text me - i need to know that he cares - he only wants friendship for now but has he really just stopped caring atall. Would he not text and say 'are you ok' - does he not care if im ok? Hes supposed to be coming over later to see me but says he only will if i 'dont get upset' - again i see this an a awful thing to say - i know he has guilt because hes hurt me but does he really think i can control my emotions after he has been my whole life - how is he able to detach and not get upset if he loves me so so much as he says??!! I cant help but wonder if this is a MLC or whether he has just been trying to distance himself till he made the big push to go?? Any advice? Is he able to just detach and come across as not giving a toss about me?

Well my marriage is a in shambles once again. I don't know if MLC is an excuse for the unhappyness or the reason. six years ago my wife had a weekend affair with a guy on the internet. I found out went through a lot of heart felt conversations and due the children thought best to stay married. We grew close again then the bomb dropped again. I am not by any means a perfect husban but I am level head some what vebally abusive when confronting that issue. Now my spouse is going through a MLC once again, found the old first lover did the deed, then tried to break it off before I found out. The O/M didn't want that so I am dealing with calls to her and texts. She is not answering the calls and she saids the same about the texts. I think it is over but can't be foresure. I don't want to end the marrage because all and all she has been a good wife. I have never had an affair, been offered, but never wanted to put my spouse through what I have been. Now she is wanting to talk about how she feels. She even said that she hasn't gotten out of life what she exspected or achieved what she wanted. I feel alot is her own doing because I have spent most of my income on getting things she thought would give her that boost to make achievements in life. I would do it all over again no problems. Now I am asking my self is she what I want? Two afairs, still confused, spending money well like it's free. Where does my life begin? Where is my happiness in this? Our boys, 15 and 16 both think it's a waist of time since she is not the mom they knew. My step-daughter tells me to move on, but don't forget your are my dad. I can move on but I still feel that doing so will only hurt her more possible sucide. Been dealing with that also, caught her tring to hang herself. My oldest son also seen this. What to do? She is now sleeping off yet another night of drinking of course without me. She saids I make her feel uncomfortable when I go with her and that the guys don't buy her drinks. Do I give her more time or just wait tell the nexted affair. Our sex is good not great like when we first met could this be the problem? Trying other ways to make it more enjoyable for her. Which way do I go? Should I wait it out or just give up? Thoughtless and hopeless

On October 1st my husband dropped the bomb that he is confused about life, career, marriage etc. I have a 12 year old girl that adores him. I have a psyc background and that has helped me with this issue.

He will be turning 40 in January. We started counseling and he did not leave because we can't afford it. My husband also swears there is noone else and often looks for his alone time. I have male friends that have gone through this and say they do need time alone and are not looking for another relationship. I have started to be independent and find my own interests. It's hard but it's the best thing to do for yourself. Also, I'm not so sure about the therapist thing is workink yet. It may be to soon to tell. If he won't go I would advise it for you. You need to hang in there for yourself and your children. If you would like to contact me just to talk let me know.

My husband and I have been married 22 years. Four boys, three are teenagers. Stressful right there.

A few months back I kept at him to open up to me, etc. etc.I would push and push. He seemed fine to keep going the way we were going. I was thinking, I want more. But I didn't know what. Other than in my head I was thinking. Passion, time, honesty, openess, etc. I started treating him as if he was my lover. Instead of going to find it elswhere. It helped a ton. He was open to all of the sex of course. Things got better, but I wanted to talk more, get closer emotionally. I was a mess, and I was pushing him away even more.

I read the five love languages book. I visted the site growthtrac, and other sites to help me figure out what I needed to have a better marriage. Are we going to stay together for the next 25 years? What is that going to take?

I then found the book called Love and Respect. It turned everything around. Pretty much women need love and men need respect. Which I think in today's society women fail to give thier men respect. I highly recommend this book. My husband doesn't read much, so I bought the CD's for him. He is a good-willed man and he decided to do this for us. His eyes have been opened and so have mine. We have a chance.

I too, was in a positon to have an emotional affair. I stopped myself, told my husband about it so I had accountablity and told him I wanted him to be my lover, my friend, my husband and to start fresh.

From reading what is on this site, I feel at 43 I am in somewhat of a midlife situation too. My husband is 51 and I think he is too, even though he denies it. So this site has been very helpful.

I believe my husband's MLC started when he had a minor heart attack in Oct 2005. Very gradually he began to change though, of course, I didn't notice. It's only been the analysing since he's been gone that's made me realise what was going on.

We were 60 when he left, married for 40 years. I found texts on his cellphone while we were on holiday in the UK indicating he was having an affair. I cut the holiday short and flew home. I wanted to come back on my own but he begged me to take him with me. Like a fool I did. We arrived back home (New Zealand) at midnight after 2 days of travelling and he packed and bag and left. He's been gone 3 months now - gone to his "new love".

He hasn't seen his son or daughter since we got back in late August and has only seen his 18mth old grandson twice. His friends don't want him around - they say they've lost respect for him. He has nothing now but "her".

I belong to a club called MidLife Club (www.midlifeclub.com). It has been my saviour. There are so many people like myself whose husbands have walked out of their lives.

To this day, I still can't believe what has happened.