This is freakin' scary! I have questions and need help.

Trust me it aint a walk in the park!! We also feel like we are on a rollercoaster of mixed up feelings. I have been married 16 years and had an affair 7 months ago until he got smart and found out. I'm on medication to help clear my mind and am going to therapy. The meds have helped with my depression and anxiety and still I feel confused about being married and being a homemaker with my two kids who I love dearly. I'm at my wits end as well as you and probably your wife too! Luckily I have a very supportive husband and has been here for me. I just feel totally guilty for what I'm putting him th rough and sometimes I j ust want to take off but have nowhere to go. I have no job, no place to live, etc.... So, it's not easy on this side. My advise to you would be to let her do her thing. And let her figure out what is going on in her life and let her do what she needs to do. She may not feel like she's in love with you anymore as I feel with my husband, but there is hope!!

Take Care,
Desperate and confused

Your story sounds just like mine only I am not 7 months into it it is just starting. so confusing, exciting, nerve racking, scarey and just don't know where to turn. Feel like I am loosing my mind. Married 20 years turning 50 in 6 months and never ever, expected this.

"Can someone give me any sense of a timeline? I mean how long will I be in this totureous limbo?"

Two very different answers. The timeline probably longer than you think it can be or that you can handle. Whatever happens is going to take quite awhile to play out. Even if the other "shoe" does drop, you can expect ups & downs to be the rule not the exception.

The much better news concerns the "limbo" you are feeling. You can get out of this limbo by getting more in control of your feelings regardless of what your spouse does or does not do. You read a lot in these discussion forums about how good people feel when they are able to start the healing process once they are able to assert some level of control over their lives and not leave it 100% in the hands of their significant other. You are in therapy which is good and I'm sure your counseling sessions are dealing with this aspect. The cliche "it is darkest before dawn" does in fact have some applicability. Even if it does not seem like it now as you read this, you will get through this.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Wesley is 100% correct. Although mine ended in the divorce she wanted, I came out better and more responsible than I was up to this point in my life. I too was at a point of the lowest dispair that you can feel - I had NEVER felt like this at any point in my life. I think because it was the most unexpected, devistating news one can receive. Divorce can be worse than the death of a spouse for the simple fact that the spouse is still living and you have interaction with them (if you have kids.)
Like Wesley said, you'll come out on the other side just fine. Seek counsel in good friends who have strong, supportive character and continue to openly share your thoughts with your therapist.

-Jim

I am going through the same thing. 17 years married and she filed for divorce after I busted her in an emotional affair with another guy. I was devistated. I recommend reading a book called "He Said, She Said". It really explains the differences between what men and women need in a relationship. After reading it, I recognized that my wife was giving me all of my emotional needs which is why I thought everything was fine. However, almost none of HER emotional needs were being met. This had been going on for years and it finally got to a boiling point (more like exploding point). This just started three weeks ago. She has been ice cold since and refuses to acknowledge that there is a chance to work it out. She is reluctantly going to counseling, possibly on the advice of her attorney so it doesn't look bad for her in court.

In any event, get that book and BOTH of you need to read the book so BOTH of you can understand what the other is feeling and going through. Another book to read second is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". That book too has perspectives for both men and women but I don't thikn it is as good as His Needs, Her Needs. While my wife seems to have built up concrete walls, I have not given up on our marriage.

OOPS, the book is HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, not He Said, She Said.