This is freakin' scary! I have questions and need help.

Trust me it aint a walk in the park!! We also feel like we are on a rollercoaster of mixed up feelings. I have been married 16 years and had an affair 7 months ago until he got smart and found out. I'm on medication to help clear my mind and am going to therapy. The meds have helped with my depression and anxiety and still I feel confused about being married and being a homemaker with my two kids who I love dearly. I'm at my wits end as well as you and probably your wife too! Luckily I have a very supportive husband and has been here for me. I just feel totally guilty for what I'm putting him th rough and sometimes I j ust want to take off but have nowhere to go. I have no job, no place to live, etc.... So, it's not easy on this side. My advise to you would be to let her do her thing. And let her figure out what is going on in her life and let her do what she needs to do. She may not feel like she's in love with you anymore as I feel with my husband, but there is hope!!

Take Care, Desperate and confused

Your story sounds just like mine only I am not 7 months into it it is just starting. so confusing, exciting, nerve racking, scarey and just don't know where to turn. Feel like I am loosing my mind. Married 20 years turning 50 in 6 months and never ever, expected this.

"Can someone give me any sense of a timeline? I mean how long will I be in this totureous limbo?"

Two very different answers. The timeline probably longer than you think it can be or that you can handle. Whatever happens is going to take quite awhile to play out. Even if the other "shoe" does drop, you can expect ups & downs to be the rule not the exception.

The much better news concerns the "limbo" you are feeling. You can get out of this limbo by getting more in control of your feelings regardless of what your spouse does or does not do. You read a lot in these discussion forums about how good people feel when they are able to start the healing process once they are able to assert some level of control over their lives and not leave it 100% in the hands of their significant other. You are in therapy which is good and I'm sure your counseling sessions are dealing with this aspect. The cliche "it is darkest before dawn" does in fact have some applicability. Even if it does not seem like it now as you read this, you will get through this.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

Wesley is 100% correct. Although mine ended in the divorce she wanted, I came out better and more responsible than I was up to this point in my life. I too was at a point of the lowest dispair that you can feel - I had NEVER felt like this at any point in my life. I think because it was the most unexpected, devistating news one can receive. Divorce can be worse than the death of a spouse for the simple fact that the spouse is still living and you have interaction with them (if you have kids.) Like Wesley said, you'll come out on the other side just fine. Seek counsel in good friends who have strong, supportive character and continue to openly share your thoughts with your therapist.

-Jim

I am going through the same thing. 17 years married and she filed for divorce after I busted her in an emotional affair with another guy. I was devistated. I recommend reading a book called "He Said, She Said". It really explains the differences between what men and women need in a relationship. After reading it, I recognized that my wife was giving me all of my emotional needs which is why I thought everything was fine. However, almost none of HER emotional needs were being met. This had been going on for years and it finally got to a boiling point (more like exploding point). This just started three weeks ago. She has been ice cold since and refuses to acknowledge that there is a chance to work it out. She is reluctantly going to counseling, possibly on the advice of her attorney so it doesn't look bad for her in court.

In any event, get that book and BOTH of you need to read the book so BOTH of you can understand what the other is feeling and going through. Another book to read second is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". That book too has perspectives for both men and women but I don't thikn it is as good as His Needs, Her Needs. While my wife seems to have built up concrete walls, I have not given up on our marriage.

OOPS, the book is HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, not He Said, She Said.

7 months? I wish. This has been killing me slowly for 2 years now. The typical story..THE speech on how I love you..but not in love with you anymore. I am bored, I want excitement in my life. I got married young, and never experienced anything in life. I want the passion we had when we first were married. We are in our 40's, married 22 yrs so far. I have been riding THE rollercoaster for the past 2 years, with no forseeable end of the ride in sight. The past 2 weeks have been about the lowest they have been. She has bought up everything possible that she does dislike, has disliked, and will dislike about me and our relationship. I try to keep things together, hoping that the ride will end soon, but I am becoming more and more resigned to either A) this is now who she is B) Divorce is in the future. She says she is sorry for putting me through this, and that she is the one going to regret any decisions she makes. I just want to scream out "YOU ARE SO SELFISH THINKING THIS ONLY AFFECTS YOU!", but keeping the mouth shut at certain times helps...

Best of luck to you my friend, I can only say that this will only last as long as you have the patience and the love to allow her to find her way back, hopefully. As for me, I will be living in my hell as long as I can take it.

Married 36 years - I'm 58. I was told last Friday after a great dinner on our deck that this was the end of it apparently hasn't for 15 years. I'm slowly picking myself up off the floor. I've got to question myself as to what I did and will see a psychologist on Wed. by myself. I've got to question - is this rampant. I've just heard of 2 other couples 1 in his 50's going through this and now I've just discovered this blog. Is this the result of the rapidly changing world we live in?

You would think that the changing world view has everything to do with it. Too many people are pushing away 'Who' really satifies in hopes of finding it in cheap sex, alcohol, drugs - you name the vise. It's a sad state that our world is finding itself decending to. Sadly, many more victims are casualties of this than we would like to be led to believe. And those that run, keep searching for the satisfaction that they'll never truly grasp. Sad.

-Jim

I have been married for 32 years, and my husband has lost his mind. I have 4 children the oldest is 30 the youngest 12. It seems like my husband was abducted by aliens and was replaced by another life form. I have stood by him for the most part, but now I am done. I stayed because my 2 younger children would get upset and I didn't want them to hate me. His doctor suggested a psychiatrist for therepy and medications. This was last week, he still hasn't made the appointment. I am getting to the point where I have become emotionally detached from him. I wish I knew the answers, but take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. I thought this man was my rock and that he would always be there for me. Instead I have a moody, sullen, depressed person who reminds me of a dark storm cloud. I hope in some small way this helps you. Go to therapy, do it for you.

My heart goes out to you and thank you for the advice.

I listened to the podcast about midlife crises and some of the pieces of the puzzle are starting to make some sense. (just type in podcast in the search box on the top right). I can understand the detachment... no question. I think you should take his appointment and I say this with my utmost respect.

I`ll go to therapy because I need to know how to chart my course - I still feel like I have a few things to contribute in life. This blog is certainly a big help ... the feedback about the rapidly changing world and yours.

I happened to tune into a radio program about the financial world today - what a big mess. One observation they concluded is that the odds against a marriage working for life are slim because of the daily pressures we deal with and the false expectations we`re sold.

How do we hand this legacy to the younger generation...

(Sometimes I feel like curling up under the bed).

My mind keeps playing the Jimmy Hendricks - Bob Dylan song, All Along The Watchtower.

Sure hope my psychiatrist knows the song.

I forgot to tell you that we have been in this war for approx. 2 1/2 years. He has every symptom of a MLC. I warned him early this year that if he did this to me again...silent treatment, that I wouldn't be in it for the long haul. When it happened again in August...that was it. I wish him the best but I want a divorce. I am not the least bit confused about it. My 12 yr old who formerly loved to spend time with his father, no longer wants to be with him. He said, "You are different." Out of the mouths of babes.... I have contacted an attorney, and will start proceedings after his therapy begins...or rather when we know what is wrong with him. I am soooo ready to move on. My only unrealistic? goal is that we can settle this amicably, as we own several houses as income. I will go into therapy if necessary, but I think I have a good handle on my situation. If it helps my younger children, then I will run not walk. I wish him the best life has to offer. I hope he will be happy and fulfilled with his new life.

I think you should print the lyrics to the song, in case the therapist is not familiar with it. It may mean something significant...you never know. What I really found interesting was what you had said about marriage not working for life because of daily pressures and false expectations we have. You would think after 30-35 yrs if marriage that you were one of the few who made it. I know I did. Remember one thing...you do have more to contribute to life. Don't sell yourself short.

"I forgot to tell you that we have been in this war for approx. 2 1/2 years. He has every symptom of a MLC."

Nikki:

You've shown a lot of patience. I'm particularly saddened by the effect it has had on your son. The years from 10-12 are particular important for the father's role as the opportunities and challenges that face young maies face begins to increase dramatically. I would suggest that you talk to a family counselor about this. It is important that your son understand that they have not been rejected and didn't do anything wrong. You do not want them acting out and/or rebelling at some point in the future because of what is going on now.

Good luck on your next chapter and I hope for the best for you all.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

After 2 years of riding the rollercoaster, and trying to be patient, I lost it today. I MADE her sit down and take 3 hours of verbal bashing. She pretty much was non-emotional, until I told her that I was in love with her, but do not love her anymore. Then asked her how it felt. I continued, and told her to multiply what I just did by at least 700, and she would get a hint of what I have been thru. For good or bad, I went against advice and went off instead of being understanding. Truthfully, I think this may of rung a bell in her head that her security blanket may not be her much longer. I saw a quick glimpse of the old wife ...if just for a few mins..

Too many anonymous postings and I can't tell which postings belong to whom. So, come up with a tag and let us keep you straight, n'kay?

Lisa, I am Nikki, the one who is? married for 32 years. The first time I did post annonymously...sorry. It was my first time here, but since then I did log in.

Thanks for the sound advice, Wesley!:)

Hi all,

I deal with this everyday of my life as Im a well known Private Investigator and a victim myself. Its like he or she turns off a light switch inside thier head that you cant reach and turn back on. Your suddenly off and you can turn the switch back on. It happens that quickly.

My best advise is to get your divorce as amicably as possible and move on, remember, your not the cheater, your not the only person cheated on and you did nothing to cause the cheating. It was the free will and choice of your partner. Now the downside is you cant turn off your feelings or your heart.. like a light switch. So, you and your family and community will be in pain over all of this for a long time and sometimes for generations. You cant controll or tell anyone what they should do or how they should feel or what is right vs what is wrong. You can say it but its doubtful they can hear you now as the switch has been turned off. Your tuned out. Is it wrong ?.. hell yes. Can you stop it ? No and dont try. Remember when a door closes another door will open and after over 28 years in this business, Ive always had my clients tell me after crying on my shoulder and bearing so much pain that they are better off with out the cheater.

Hang in there and you will recover and you will have a new chapter in your life, a happier chapter and youll look back someday and say, I cant believe I married .. whats his or her name. Its true. ... I see it every day, although I know now you dont believe it... it will happen. Just dont focus on negative, focus on your future and the positive.

Bobbi Bacha, PI Blue Moon Investigations, Security and Protection www.pibluemoon.com (281) 332-1622

I am 48 and been married for 20 years. We are the "couple" that lights up a room when we walked in at parties. Our 3 kids are the most gracious and outgoing in their classes and yes...and into my 3rd year of my MLC.

My wife focused on our kids...too much. We drifted apart, forgot to be friends, the sex died, the communication went nowhere and we were too "civil" to argue.

I fell in love with a beautiful woman at work (13 years younger than the wife) and after 2.5 years, the affair was revealed, and my wife and I decided to work on it.

The roller coaster was headed in the right direction (UP!) for about 6 months. Now, my business has failed, I am losing everything, including all my savings, holdings, and filing bankruptcy. I think about my lover every day and the roller coaster is now down (Way down!).

I am sick of putting my wife on this ride. She deserves better.

Can't do "for better or worse, for richer or poorer?"

I have no acumen about business, only opinions. All I can say is, now that the worst has happened with business, can your wife and your history together and your kids become the good thing going on in your life?

MY HUSBAND OF 22 YEARS MOVED OUT 3 WEEKS AGO. SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT NEEDS SOMETHING MORE, NEEDS TO FIND HIM SELF. FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS AND WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY. WE HAVE BEEN GOING THRU SOMETHING FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS, IT'S JUST GETTING WORSE. I HAVE CRIED FOR 3 WEEKS STRAIGHT, NOW I'M FINALLY PICKING MY SELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. HE IS MY BEST FREIND, MY WHOLE LIFE AND THEN SOME. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT A DIVORCE BUT HE CAN'T GUARANTEE THE FUTURE. WHAT IS THAT! I HAVE SUGGESTED COUNSELING BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK TO ME LET ALONE ANYONE ELSE. HE SWEARS THERE'S NO ONE ELSE BUT NEEDS TIME ALL ALONE. HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING MARRIED 22 YEARS TO WANTING TO BE ALL ALONE. I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG I CAN BE ON THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. HE HAS BEEN MY WORLD UP TO NOW, NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM LOST AND A MESS. I'M HANDLING THIS THE BEST I CAN BUT DEFINATLY LOOKING FOR ANY ADVICE AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD GIVE HIM THE SPACE AND HOPE HE FIGURES THINGS OUT AND GETS LONELY. OR IF I SHOULD TRY TO BE IN HIS LIFE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO REMIND HIM WHAT WE HAVE. YOU ARE RIGHT THEY ARE VERY SELFISH ALL I HEAR IS WHAT HE NEEDS, WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED AND HOW THIS AFFECTS ME AND OUR 2 GROWN KIDS. BY THE WAY HE'S ONLY 41.

It is respectful to take someone at their word.

I am sorry your heart is breaking.

On October 1st my husband dropped the bomb that he is confused about life, career, marriage etc. I have a 12 year old girl that adores him. I have a psyc background and that has helped me with this issue.

He will be turning 40 in January. We started counseling and he did not leave because we can't afford it. My husband also swears there is noone else and often looks for his alone time. I have male friends that have gone through this and say they do need time alone and are not looking for another relationship. I have started to be independent and find my own interests. It's hard but it's the best thing to do for yourself. Also, I'm not so sure about the therapist thing is workink yet. It may be to soon to tell. If he won't go I would advise it for you. You need to hang in there for yourself and your children. If you would like to contact me just to talk let me know.

My husband and I have been married 22 years. Four boys, three are teenagers. Stressful right there.

A few months back I kept at him to open up to me, etc. etc.I would push and push. He seemed fine to keep going the way we were going. I was thinking, I want more. But I didn't know what. Other than in my head I was thinking. Passion, time, honesty, openess, etc. I started treating him as if he was my lover. Instead of going to find it elswhere. It helped a ton. He was open to all of the sex of course. Things got better, but I wanted to talk more, get closer emotionally. I was a mess, and I was pushing him away even more.

I read the five love languages book. I visted the site growthtrac, and other sites to help me figure out what I needed to have a better marriage. Are we going to stay together for the next 25 years? What is that going to take?

I then found the book called Love and Respect. It turned everything around. Pretty much women need love and men need respect. Which I think in today's society women fail to give thier men respect. I highly recommend this book. My husband doesn't read much, so I bought the CD's for him. He is a good-willed man and he decided to do this for us. His eyes have been opened and so have mine. We have a chance.

I too, was in a positon to have an emotional affair. I stopped myself, told my husband about it so I had accountablity and told him I wanted him to be my lover, my friend, my husband and to start fresh.

From reading what is on this site, I feel at 43 I am in somewhat of a midlife situation too. My husband is 51 and I think he is too, even though he denies it. So this site has been very helpful.

I believe my husband's MLC started when he had a minor heart attack in Oct 2005. Very gradually he began to change though, of course, I didn't notice. It's only been the analysing since he's been gone that's made me realise what was going on.

We were 60 when he left, married for 40 years. I found texts on his cellphone while we were on holiday in the UK indicating he was having an affair. I cut the holiday short and flew home. I wanted to come back on my own but he begged me to take him with me. Like a fool I did. We arrived back home (New Zealand) at midnight after 2 days of travelling and he packed and bag and left. He's been gone 3 months now - gone to his "new love".

He hasn't seen his son or daughter since we got back in late August and has only seen his 18mth old grandson twice. His friends don't want him around - they say they've lost respect for him. He has nothing now but "her".

I belong to a club called MidLife Club (www.midlifeclub.com). It has been my saviour. There are so many people like myself whose husbands have walked out of their lives.

To this day, I still can't believe what has happened.

a few years ago - age 51 I experienced a minor heart health scare. This triggered two things - first, a desire and will to get healthy and a desire and will to follow a child hood dream. I got myself healthy and then while on vacation with my life partner of 25 years I informed him that I was not going home. We talked, yelled, cried and came to an understanding that we would work this out. I had hated the city we lived him from the day we moved there - I did not want to spend any more time there. Our children were gone and he was absorbed in his career. We decided to purchase some land and I spent six months of the year in the wilderness in my little log cabin. The past two years I have lived there exclusively with my partner joining me about 4 or 5 times a year. My life there is rustic and labour instensive - I live in solitude. Our relationship significantly improved.

Then one day early last spring I awoke to a full blown case of MLC - I was confronted with memories and issues from my abusive childhood, its impact on my life and my decisions and then the grief for all of the lost potential. Instead of moving away from my husband emotionally and physically, because of the years of separation while still married, I was drawn back to him. Although I still have bad days, I am back in the city living with him every day and enjoying our new found relationship. A relationship that is not based upon young love/infatuation; parenting or financial dependency. It is a relationship of mutual respect for who each of us is and what we want to be. We choose to be together, not because of some document or familial responsibilities - but because we are friends, lovers and partners.

I know everyone is not as fortunate to have the opportunities I have had of the place, the space and the time to get through MLC - but it is worth perservering. She will come back if there is something to come back to.

MLC has been the best thing that has happened to me - and almost the most painful.

This is really inspiring. "She will come back if there's something to come back to." In midlife, one thing I can definitely say is, I need something to come to. For me it's my missed self and self-discipline. I want to make this happen and I'm scared to as well. I'd better start now to be where I want to be when I'm 50 plus. I'm 44.

I too was looking for "self" and "self-discipline" - for me the self discipline was taking control of my physical body - I lost weight - began developing muscle and stamina - I am now the same size I was when I was fifteen and in the same good lean, muscular shape. I found that once I was able to take control of my physical self - I was ready to take control of my emotional self. Finding my 'self' was more difficult and more painful. I began with writing my thoughts down in a journal - now I look back and can see how far I have come. I came to the realization that unless I was happy and fulfilled I could not be a good companion to myself nor my life partner. I became selfish - I did it my way - I made decisions based upon my needs. My life partner has been incredibly supportive emotionally and financially. Together we made the space for me to follow my journey of self-awareness. The rewards for doing that have been beyond what we both expected. We both realized early on in this journey that if we did not do something totally 'out of the box' that our relationship would be doomed - because I would be doomed. His patience and unwavering trust in me made it possible for me to deal with MLC without rejection or loss. We took a gamble and it worked for us - when the boat is sinking you need to become creative to survive. PEACE

I apologize to all the crazed husbands who are confused by their wives' MLC's which "isn't a crisis; it's an earthquake," to quote a friend of mine. Inside us is a sense of exploding life which can kill us or grant us something new and brilliant,a nd our husbands, in freaking out, get blown up in the minefield--or potentially brought to new brilliance in the "nova." A new star giving birth to itself. I invite you to join the excitement. My former husband refused to talk when I invited him to rejoin life, made assumptions and accusations,none true but which sure as heck gave me some great ideas. My husband fought the thus inevitable divorce not with love adn logic but with nastiness; I was absolutely willing to reconcile, but he cost himself and the kids their relationship and all the family's finances. Revenge? Stupid. I ended up remarried to an old friend with more than adequate income to make up for that hell, and who was attracted to my energy, enthusiasm, humility and open-mindedness, while my ex spiraled down into bitterness and self-destruction (drugs). Sorry, apparently my "crisis" reflected some real limitations in my ex. So I invite everyone to look at what they are REALLY offering each other; to let the past go and see midlife as one of a few lifetime chances to recommit to what is possible in life. I have a new career that is taking me overseas, three kids who think I'm wonderful to have survived this horrible battle, and a new life that makes me grateful every day I had the courage to follow my instincts. My ex fell back on that label "MLC" to accuse me of something bad. It was, actually, something very wonderful. And if you chase and beg and stalk someone in that supposed state, you may well drive him or her away. I suggest you simply take the same medicine: Create a meaningful life that your partner will be envious of or want to share in; offer to contribute to your partner's new path. I am now married to the man of my dreams and grateful every day I had the courage not to back down when I heard life calling me back again in my forties. By the way, I had a total of twelve marriage proposals after my divorce. Yes, this "MLC" stuff is powerful. Catch the wave, or drown. I'm sorry; you have my sympathies in facing something so huge and powerful; there were days I thought I would not survive my trip through hell. But please stop fighting it. Weena PS Thomas Moore's beautiful book "Dark Nights of the Soul" became my bible. I highly recommend it: From him I learned to embrace even the darkest points in life as a gift on this great journey.

"Let the past go?" Does that include the wedding vows? I guess so.

Most of us men were never "invited ... to rejoin life". We had to face an affair, abandonment, sudden divorce etc. What was the "willing to reconcile" about? Why was the divorce "inevitable"? What happened? My goodness, twelve marriage proposals? Maybe it is not supposed to read like it or it is just me as a (bitter) man but this type of defiant and proud attitude of partners who have turned their spouse's life upside down does come across as self justification. Was the husband a bit too comfortable and unexciting? Perhaps the ex husband had expected to spend the rest of his life with you and to get some STRONG warnings if things were not going as you wanted them. You both got each other to where you were (for better or worse). Not surprising that he got "blown up in the minefield" (your minefield...nice image). Sorry if I have got your situation all wrong - I only have your post to go on.

Humility? Don't see it in your writing! As with my wife, I see no empathy. Somehow the ex husband was good enough to marry, to build a family with and to live with for many years. It was not unreasonable for him to be suspicious if his wife SUDDENLY decided that she wanted to get a motorbike, get a tattoo etc. It is very confusing behaviour that we are not able to understand. I was suspicious of my wife - guess what? I was right!

Nobody would argue that most couples probably need to re-evaluate their lives and relationships at some stage. We all get complacent and boring. We need a shake up and a reminder to make the most of life. The trouble is that the glorification and empowerment given to this MLC thing with all the flowery language and ultra positive metaphors is allowing it to happen too frequently, too aggressively and too quickly.

If your post was more contemplative and reflective then it would not reinforce the stereotype...

For better, for worse or until I get bored.

I must say that I disagree with Thomas Moore's view on religion and coupling it with "Dark Nights of the Soul." Perhaps you might try reading the Bible and not using another book as a substitute for what is intended to be The Manual for Life. I would suggest starting with 1 Corinthians 13, that will better suit the needs. Galatians is effective as well. Galatians 5:22, "But the fruit of the Spirit (yes, we all have the Spirit of Christ indwelling within) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, FAITHFULNESS, gentleness, and self-control, (emphasis mine)

-James