Will faith really get me through this... midlife crisis, divorce, economic downturn, depression...?

To me, the feeling of faith in God is a sensation like there's someone "up there" who's with me and wants me to succeed. I've had that feeling on occasions throughout my life.

And then there's the feeling like I ought to pray, even if no intelligence is listening or cares. It's like wishing on a star, and then in my mind remembering sayings, like "This too shall pass," and "God doesn't give you more trouble than you can handle." I don't bother much with this anymore.

Then I notice a feeling like "I can do this." It's faith in myself. According to my religious upbringing, you should always look to God and not "lean unto your own understanding."

Not sure how comfortable I am writing this, even anonymously. But when my now-ex decided to stray I tried everything to deal with the pain--from excessive drinking to straying myself. Not surprisingly nothing worked. A friend suggested that I go to church to meet a new group of people. What I noticed was how positive people were and it reawakened a feeling in me that had been long surpressed by my always-negative spouse. I liked being positive and with religion I was. I brought God back into my life and, at least for me, was so very much better for it. I tread carefully because it is an individual choice and people need to want it in their heart. But for me it was the best thing that could have happened and I am so thankful that my friend pointed me to church instead of yet another bar.

It's good that you posted what you have. Far too many times do you see people who go 'the other route' and find themselves even more depressed than they were when 'whatever' all began. I am totally dedicated to my faith. While attending a Bible study where I work, just a couple of days ago, the person giving the lesson said this, "Sometimes you have to get to the end of yourself to get to the beginning of Christ." And that is exactly where I was in early December 2007. After my wife had given me the unexpected news in the worst possible place I feel anyone could get it, via e-mail on a ship at sea that wouldn't dock for another 8 days - coupled with the death of my grandfather, whom I had the deepest respect, coming to the end of myself. I had found my lowest low. I would NEVER wish some of the thoughts that went through my head in October of 07. Going through boxes of letters that we had wrote each other, even before we were married, I stumbled across one dated in the fall of 88'. She surrounded the text of the letter with hearts and the words, "I'll love you forever!" Reading this, I fell to the ground in the garage and curled into the fetal position; the letter in one hand and my cell phone in the other. Calling her and crying out, "You said you'd love me forever" as tears fell - her response was as about as cold-blooded as they get. "Oh, you found the letters, you might as well just throw those away." At that point I literally wanted to end it all. I rose to my feet, spotted the tow rope on the shelf, and had overwhelming thoughts of ...... Yes, my lowest low. However, you see, He has better plans for me. For me to share my story with others and show the strength He can give when you commit to the life of Christ. I didn't think much of religion before this happened; I had control of my life. Young, successful, family....I had it all. Sure, I believed in God, Christ, but really didn't grasp what the Cross really meant. If you read the Bible, just pick Proverbs and Psalms to start off with, and you really take it in, how can so many things be so true today that were written so long ago? I’ll finish here for now and share more later.

-Jim

One time I hated my husband so bad, I was asking myself if I could finally say I was going. Then I found one more ounce of love for my husband somewhere in there, and it was a different kind of love--not mushy. I was thinking based on a religious concept but I can't remember it. Anyhow, that was an interesting experience, and it gave me faith to seek more of that brand new experience.

This 'crisis' in my life, which was triggered by an action by my wife, has only made me a better and stronger person. I think that pretty much says it there. We men, who have received the news of our spouses sudden departure, are too, going through our own crisis. In Henry and Tom Blackaby's book, "The Man God Uses", they speak of crisis. "Crisis is often mistaken to mean a "tragedy" or "threat." A truer understanding is that a crisis means "a turning point." For a believer, a crisis of belief is a point at which that person either trusts or obeys God or places his own wisdom and interests above God's." He goes on to say, "Perhaps you are dealing with a crisis in your life now, or maybe one has just passed. It may be well that God is using you as His instrument to bring hope, peace, or truth into the situation. Be careful not to be so focused on the crisis that you are unable to see God in the midst of it."

-Jim

I've been utterly broken by my wife's walking out but I had friends, and most of all, my mom who is a bedrock when it comes to Faith. It's how we were raised.

Anyway, I came to see that this was one of those horrid times that can define who you are. There were more horrible days than I could count but I knew where to put my trust. Once i gained assurance I could openly say, "It hurts now but He's promised never to leave me or foresake me." I also tried to stay in touch with what He wanted me to learn from this. Tony Dungy's book, "Quiet Strength" was a blessing.

Anyway, I've found that people tend to watch you, not necessarilty to pass judgement and be critical but to actually see if this "Faith" thing is authentic or is it rubbish. It's one thing to babble on about Faith when the sky is blue and sun is shining but what about when the bottom seems to fall out?

I never say I expect instant turnarounds, or that my wife will come back, but that Christ will bring me through this. No magic bullets, no "Chicken Soup for the Soul" claptrap.

They're good people who have been supportive. They know I've been hurt and have had down days but they have also watched me emerge, without bitterness, little self-pity thankful for small things. I would have preferred that my wife didn't leave but I like the way God has led me to respond to this.

All I'm saying is that in suffering through this crisis you become an example. Faith is abstract until you see someone literally being saved by it. Anyway my two cents.

I have just one prayer that I say, that I really mean:

"God is eternal; I am changeable."

That always helps me when I'm feeling down.

I'm still working on "Thank you." and "Forgive." They're not here 100 percent yet.

What you have wrote is so true. People do watch and they do see. I can see where I had my part in where the marriage went, but I don't think it was bad enough to just walk out on. Regardless, as I posted above I was as devistated as I could get. Christ will not bother with the prideful people, they have it all figured out; it's those that strip away their pride and literally get on their knees seeking His salvation that He gives so abundantly. I know - I've been there and felt that. You'll know when He has entered your life because EVERYTHING changes. First, your old ways don't satisfy you anymore. Material things, wanting 'this and that' to "keep up with the Jones,'"...I mean honestly, the list is actually too long to post here. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says it best,"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." And that is exactly where I am today...and still growing. God Bless you all and keep growing in your faith as well.

-Jim

My wife was the one who walked out, indulged in affairs, developed new friendships with some very troubled people. She is currently on an internet website - recently divorced and looking for "erotica" - her words.

But she teaches Sunday school and attends a church "Where Everything Goes" so she figures that she's alright. (I stopped attended this church long ago bu stopped once i realized that the theology was paper thin. Faith took on more significance and I could not stand a church where practically everything was good because nothing is bad. Relativism 101)

Anyway, my wife teaches Sunday School and proclaims herself as pure as a lamb. This woman has not cracked open a Bible at home in our 15 years of marriage. But she's a tramp but uses "faith" to vindicate her behavior. It's sickening. I think that there is a lot of that going on.

wow anonomous you sound incredible i am going through a divorce. today was our first meeting with lawers. he has cheated on me twice that i know of and actually he is the one who said i dont love you and left. i just keep trying to make sense of it all . from forever to i hate you. how does it get there when i am such a faithful servent of the lord. i am not perfect but i gave our mariage everything i had. i prayed ademently every night for him and our marriage. but sometimes someone choses the wrong path and others pay. but what i have learned through this is that my faith is in the lord and no matter how it appears to me he is working it all out for his good. even though divorce does not look like his will i am still in his will and he will carry me. i know i am never more close to god than when i am without answers. i am out of answers. i love the song i will praise you in this storm. when i step back i can see that i am closer with my lord right now than ever and i thank him for that. he is the only one with unfailing love. thats my two cents. i would love to chat with you guys. this is a lonley emotional time and i have so many decisions to make. i spend too much time thinking and not enough time remembering he is god and in control

" I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth." Yes, Casting Crowns does a very good job with that song; it is one of my favorites.

so jimmy what do with your time this early on . i am 2 weeks out and i have been through this once before with him and took him back with open arms. this time it just cant be that way . i have two kids and it is to hard on them . especially the devistation i go through and they see that. so without moutain moving miricles the divorce will go through. but i try to be quiet and wait on the lord . i read my bible and go to every church function i can find . and i know i am in good hands with the lord taking care of me. but i am still sad knowing he is with someone elseand i am extremely lonley. i havnt worked since i was 18. so enough said of my social life. there is none. i put everything into my marriage and kids. now its all falling apart. boy poor me i am bad but dang it sucks. so where are you from anyways. i am in the great state of oklahoma.

I improve myself, as everyone on this site who chooses to move on with conviction to self does. I study the Word of God daily, I am enrolled in college through distant learning in pursuit of my Bachelors in Management and I work. Those things pretty much keep me busy throughout. This isn't so early on for me. She gave me the word last September that she wanted out of this marriage. She had found someone else and it was over. There are strange things happening with her now though. She is even making strange decisions which I will share later after all is settled here in the next few days. All I can say is that this is coming out better than expected on my behalf and my attorney completely agrees. By the way, I live in California.

we seperated for i think 5 months 7 months ago because he was cheating. so it is my second go at it. it isnt as hard this time as it was the first. the first time i had a 3 month old baby and i dont believe my body was even back to right.the first time i just new he was screwing up gods plans because i couldnt see divorce in gods plans. i still dont understand but i am sure god does and that is all i need for now all our things were still seprate from the fist time. his things were at our lake house and i had already got another house. he moved in here while we were building a new house thinking we would put our things back together when the house was done . the house was two weeks from being done. thank god for watching out for me. icould not have handled another move. i have moved 3 times since my son was born 1 year ago. i was praying intensly to god that i could not handle another move. if i had moved into that house i would be moving again. i really enjoy chatting with another man who is in the same boat and still loves the lord through it all. the old saying is give a man enough rope and he will hang himself. it sounds like your ex is. mine is going to church all the time and playing super dad. he is trying to prove me crazy to his family. they are missionarys in africa who have adopted 15 children. but they know the truth . i have been attending church with his family our entire marriage while he was laying in bed. in time his true colores will shine if i can let the lord do his work and stay out of it . i look forward to hearing from you and hearing what the strange things that are happening are.

i give up i have been looking for an hour and i cant find the settings page to put my pic and name in . help anyone

Solomon wrote about "seasons." This is one of them. Just as I recovered from an awful childhood with a belligerant, selfish and abuseive father, left home for college and became successful in my career I will recover from my season.

My "mid life crisis" was actually a moment when I returned to my roots and surrendered more of my life to God. I prayed then that He lead me, guide me. I had become a prideful, rugged individualist and knew I had to surrender my will. "Thy will be done. Not my will."

I had been reading C.S. Lewis and A.W.Tozer so I knew that getting to the point of surrender would become painful. I'd have to be broken. I knew that season would come. I'm here to tell you that once you choose that very narrow path, God is going to keep coming.

My marriage is gone. Wife cheated, then said I was a loser, made mher miserable, etc. I chuckled because in a way, I knew this day would come. God did break me. My wife laid me low, wrecked our finances and spewed evil and vileness. It came out of nowhere.

But in her absence I was able to focus on what He wanted me to learn from this. I HAD to find a way to forgive her and not respond in anger to anything she had done. Talk about growing.

Tons of people will tell you that they want to have a strong faith but they want it on the cheap. I was that way. Faith doesn't come easy. If it were easy more people would have it.

God is faithful. There is no such thing as partial faith. If I turn my life to him, then I also have to believe that He has not forsaken me. Nor am I alone. It's been awful but it's been getting better. I see my wife's leaving as something that had to happen. It matters that I'm a good father, a good worker and am able to achieve goals but in walking close to Him I can do those things.

In a wordly sense life may not get any easier because the devil never stops working. But up to now God has been faithful.

There is a difference in me ever since I gave into God and let him be the one to guide through . I can sit back and see that although I am suffering - GOD somehow pushes me to see the light of hope- I believe sometimes in life you have to be broken down to be built back up.

Some of my favorite verses are Romans 4:7 -"Blessed are those whose disobedience is forgiven and whose sins are pardoned. (we all can learn from this)

James 4:7 - Submit yourselves (humble), then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you

Although one is saved by in grace through FAITH -Eph 2:8

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the GIFT of God—"

Its GOD who gives us HIS FAITH - Romans 12:3 "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you"

God Bless- EVERYONE

-RICH

You have both hit the nail square on the head. "By the Grace of GOD I am saved!" I also keep a journal. Last night I did a quick review and found on April 23rd I wrote, "Who I am hates who I've been."

God Bless you all.

-JIm

It's the title to one of the most uplifting things I have ever read. Google it.

I am not a very religious but I have found solace when listening to Joel Osteen. He gives a very positive and upbeat message. My wife (born again) has been exchanging text messages, phone calls and meeting with another guy who is almost done with his divorce. At this point I honestly believe it has only been an emotional affair but that hurts me bad! I went through all the self pity and have cried every day for the last week (when I discovered this). Her feelings and her heart for me have been replace by someone else's. I bought one of Joel's books and downloaded a Podcast. No matter what happens, I am determined to make ME a better person. If this door closes on my life, it is because there is a better door that is about to be opened. I have seen this happen on many occasions in my life. I did not get a work promotion but months after, I got a special assignment. That assignment resulted in my getting specialized training that allowed me to open my own business. When trying to buy a house, deal after deal fell through on houses we "knew" we wanted. Finally, the opportunity came up to get a brand new house built. Had we gotten any of those houses that fell through, we never would have gotten a new one.

I cannot make her love me. I am just giving her space and time to sort out her feelings. Whatever her choice, I will survive and I will be a better person.

I can't see where someone claims to be 'born again' then goes out and has an affair of any type. If you are truly born again you cannot continue to be repeatedly committed to deliberately sin. Yes, you will sin and every day you awake you will awake a sinner however, if you have torn down the barriers that were between you and the spirit, you cannot continue to sin and feel 'okay' about it in any capacity. -Jim

There are all types. My wife os so-director of education committee at church and teached Sunday School. Guess what she was doing when no one was looking?

Secret texts, phone conversations with men she met on internet. She said these weren't affairs when I busted her. Then she went on a dating internet and posed with a tight sweater and her chest heaved out, seeking "a man who loves sports, travel and sees the glass as half full." She also wanted someone interested in erotica. This woman is 48.

We separated a year ago. All you can do is wait for divorce to come through and shake your head. I have found my strength through this ordeal in my Faith. I know there is something God wants me to learn from this.

We live in a world now where tons of so-called Christians screw over other people, wreck marriages, have affairs, walk out on their families and sit in the front pew come Sunday. There are no absolutes, everything is right because nothig is wrong.

Luckily I've seen enough goodness i people who have helped me through this to know that some people aspire to be good.

Exactly. It's sad when you cant even trust a marriage that you thought was built off of faith (not that mine was.) Satan is patient and will disquise what seems to be something 'good' and turn it all around on you as time unfolds. He does this on both sides of the marriage; that is why you should have a couple of good, Christian friends or couples that you can talk to when things seem to be heading in the wrong direction. When this all first started for me I felt the sense of loneliness setting in; I wanted to find a friend of the opposite sex that I could find caring from. This, in most cases, turns out to be the worst thing you can do. Luckily, I never committed to pursue my desires. I am rebuilding me, my social circle and my finances. I know who is in control and He will not let me pass up the one that will be right for me when that day comes. Until then, why worry? One day at a time. And yes, you will get stronger through all of this.

-Jim

My wife has her feet in two worlds and one day those worlds will collide. She has no peace. She knows there is at least one person in the world who knows the truth - me. There are imes when I just look at her and say nothing because I'm trying to fathom what's going on below the surface. It unnerves the hell out of her because she knows, that I know, that there is nothing.

She scoffed at me because I wasn't making her life "happy" enough. Her friends, all miserably married or tragically single, are the answer. The new idea is to keep moving. Ditch the marriage - new friends, new apartment. Find a safe harbor in someone's bed. Maybe a woman close to 50, staring to age, a bit paunchy will get lucky. Maybe find a husband, or someone to keep the delusion going. Keep moving. Empty laughter. Stupid gossip. Lose yourself, otherwise you might have to sit and think about it all.

What I don't understand is why the pretense? Why the saintly church mom who bakes cookies and tends the arts & crafts table at the Christmas festival while she lies and cheats and goes slumming on the internet? She even pleaded with me not to tell anyone who she really is. Go figure.

I myself have not given up on Faith. I'm as strong as I have ever been and it kills her that some people are not buying the fraud. I stayed in the house, kept it tidy. paid bills and became a better father, though it's tiring at times. I think people like her count on the dumpee falling apart so they can point and say, "See? Told you he was a schmuck."

I still hurt but am not drowning in self pity. This is a life change so it's not all easy but people have it worse. Life is simpler and less noisy and unpleasant wit her gone. Nothing like a person intent on finding reasons to be unhappy and pointing the finger at you. You don't know what a releif it is until the person is gone. Besides this is my trial. Faith must be tested and it doesn't happen on the mountaintops. You gotta go into the valley. It comes to every one. Actually I feel like a lot of things - including my marriage - have been stripped away. I'm closer to Christ than ever. I may not like every moment but I feel whole.

Your way of thinking is right on the money. I, too, think that someone who is miserable and wants to find an 'out' will do things to drag the bad side of someone out so they can point the finger and say, "see, I told you so!" I said a few harsh things that I wish I hadn't said the last time I saw her before I left the state. But would what I said change things? No. The divorce would still go through as planned. Sometime the truth hurts. But the way I did it wasn't who I have turned out to be and it disappointed me. She commented that she loved me once, but I am not the man she married 19 years ago. Think about that for a minute. Then I asked her on the way out the door if she ever, once, cried about the decision she had made - if there was any emotion because of not having me anymore. Her answer was no. As I started to cry (because that hurt) I remarked at least three times, "who really loved who?" True love does not surrender without a fight.

-Jim

If you can find it in your hearts please pray for me. I have lost my faith. My wife cheated on me and moved out with our four children. I was so wrecked I had to quit working. I prayed ceaselessly that she would return but she didn't. I have been travelling around Europe since the divorce but a year and a half later I can finally forgive both my ex and God for letting this happen to me. I want to have a relationship with God but just don't feel his existence anymore. I thought my faith was rock solid. I attended christian schools my whole life and attended church every sunday. I guess I was dead wrong.

I want to comment that faith is a great thing when it's real and true for you personally.

All my life growing up I was told what faith should be, what it should look like, and what I should ask for. In the end I didn't have real faith in what I was taught to. After that I couldn't say I had faith in anything. I thought if I didn't have faith, I might as well try some of the wayward things I'd been told not to do. That just got me lost further.

I have faith that you can let go of your concept of a relationship with God and that something more germane and true to you will come in.

I read these comments and see my situation reflected back. My 21 marriage ended this past June with the divorce being final. My ex-wife is Catholic and I'm non-denominational, this was the source of a good deal of conflict in the marriage. Due to bickering and fighting I stepped out on her at the 7 year mark, I took responsibility for this , resulting in moving away jobless to another state and getting myself back into fellowship and counseling. The last place we lived as a family turned out to be a big mistake as we got in over our heads financially which added more stress. The ex went to work for a doctor where there were only the two of them. They went out of town on a seminar and consummated the affair. I was working in another city in the oilfield to get the family back on track when it happened. Long story short, I was willing to forgive and work things out, she wasn't. She still works for him, claiming it's only work. He has 3 young children and a wife at home. I left the oilfield on New Years Day 2008 and moved to San Diego where my dad and a sister live. I lost my entry level job last Sat so I'm back looking for work again. My faith was never put to the test until last year, I got saved at 12 yr's old and missed a lot of chances to get in trouble. Nothing really bad ever happened to me until last year and now I lean on Him 100%. I have grown as a man and Christian so much and I give Him all of the thanks!

Bill N.

Yes, Bill, when you lean on Christ you will grow. The more you stay in the Word (daily) the more the Holy Spirit nurtures from within. I can honestly say that when I read "because the Holy Spirit dwells within, nothing can seperate us from God" in my textbook; I literally dropped onto my knees, started crying out of joy, and thanked God for the man He has, and continues, to make me.

Be Blessed, Jim

My wife is not recognizable and I feel like I'm battling an entire society which tells her she;s entitled to happiness, even at the expense of our daughters. She's sure that, in the long run, they will be better because they won;t see their mom miserably married, as though love isn't a choice. I am placing all my faith in God that he will grant me the strength that my children need from me. But how do I balance fighting to preserve the family I know God has called me to defend with allowing her adequate space to work all this out. I want to model faith, hope, and love for my children and their mother.