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What’s Your Relationship Recovery Time?
“Recovery time” is however long it takes one to return to normal after an event. Whether it’s the time it takes an athlete’s body to return to normal heart rate or hydration after a grueling event, or someone’s return to health after a setback. Or how long it takes for someone to recover after a relationship’s ending.
When I was first divorced I was told it would take 25% of the time I was married to recover and be ready for a serious relationship. I was married for nearly 20 years, so that meant it would take 5 years! I was incredulous. I didn’t want to wait five years to find my next LTR. But here it is at the five year mark and I feel I’m truly ready. I had too much healing and growing to do.
I don’t know if the 25% rule of thumb applies to short term relationships as well, but my experience is the more emotionally attached you were, it takes some time to get over. If you find you are grieving the loss longer than the relationship lasted, something else is going on. I posit you’re not just grieving that relationship, but perhaps the hopes and dreams you had for a future with someone you thought was a great match. And now the daunting task of finding someone else to help fulfill your dreams is heartbreaking.
Just like a champion athlete’s body, I think the mark of an emotionally healthy person is how quickly one can recover from a breakup and get back to normal. That is not to say you shouldn’t grieve — I think it’s healthy to go through the stages of loss and feel what you feel fully, without trying to say you’re fine when you’re really not. But if you linger too long in denial, anger, bitterness or pain, you are not doing yourself any good.
How long should one grieve the loss of a promising relationship? It will vary with each person. But I think you should be conscious of if the time you’re spending being resentful, angry, etc. is more than 25% of the relationship’s length, you need to shift and let it go. If you need help from a counselor to do so, get it. The longer you wallow the less time and energy you’ll have to focus on what you want next. And frankly, you’re not any fun to be around in this state so no one new will be drawn to you.
If you are still holding on to anger about a breakup — recent or past — how can you let it go to complete your recovery? ______________
Got a topic on dating after 40 you want Dating Goddess to address? Send your issue to Goddess@DatingGoddess.com.
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Not sure how 25% came
Not sure how 25% came up..and I hope I dont have to wait that long...God willing, I will find someone when the time is right..Im not even really worried about that considering my present self is going through a wife Ive known for 17years is going through MLC (doesnt want to be a mom, wife, wants to go back to school and do something else, wants to party and drink, etc etc)...Not sure if I can handle dating someone else that might do this to me again - so at least my first priority would be to date a woman who puts GOD in her life.. anywaysssssss...Being single is not so bad..
All I know is that I am doing well considering all, but thats because maybe I have put GOD first to help me through it..I have NO HATE in my heart..Just forgiveness..and I have come to grips that LETTING HER GO was the best thing since I can not change her even if I wanted to..So I wish her by the grace of GOD a good and healthy life - with and however she chooses.
My teenagers need DAD - someone who is grounded and doesnt require a CHANGE OF LIFESTYLE in their more important years..Someone less selfish...
Time Helps, But...
They say that time will kill the pain I say that pain is gonna kill my time...
Time heals all wounds and all that. I know.
BUT... we can influence and affect how well time works it magic. I learned that early on. I watched my older brother, after his divorce, try to heal by crawling inside a whiskey bottle, and putting a revolving door on his bedroom.
I knew there had to be a better way.
I learned that we have to honor ALL the emotions in order to recovery. Not just the I feel great days, but also the negative days of I feel pain and loss. You have to feel it.
I learned that journalling your emotions helps you deal with them. Its so easy, when it's all in your head to keep thinking the same thought thousands and millions of times. But when you write it, it seems like you've handled and addressed it. It's easier to answer and move on.
I learned that we can get stuck, and when that happens, ask for the help you need. I'd never been so angry in my life as I was about the betrayal and infidelity. I didn't know constructive ways to deal with anger. I asked folks on my support forum and got some good help. I needed more help. I get into councelling.
I learned that emotional strength and recovery is tied to physical strength. That I was better able to cope if I had a good night sleep, and a nutritious meal. I learned to take good care of my body.
And I learned that there isn't a shortcut. I gave myself some better days, in the early difficult "shattered" parts. But a few good days, or even almost all good days... is not the same thing as being done. You gotta go through it.
Take the time it takes. Don't expect to be all better tomorrow. Don't worry if you are not done in a few years. We all heal at different rates. If you get stuck, then ask for help.
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