Dear Oprah - How Much Good Can A Do-Gooder Do If A Do-Gooder Could Do Good?

Dear Oprah

How are you? I am fine. Well, all except for that little mishap at the grocery store yesterday. I suppose I shouldn't have had the second cup of coffee before I left to buy milk but who knew something as innocent as a little sneeze could cause that to happen! You would have known how to handle it - or should I say, hold it - Oprah.

And that brings me to why I'm writing you today. I've got a question and seeing how you always know how to handle things, who better to turn to for advice.

My question is about charity Oprah. Now don't be modest - it's no secret that you just give and give and give. Gosh, it's a wonder how there's anything left over for you. But unlike you, your Oprahness, our family is of more modest means.

Why when they raised the price of my Botox treatments I just didn't know what I was going to do! I'm considering asking them to give me a double-dose so I can come less often and at least save on labour costs. I should probably book that appointment for sometime around Halloween.

Anyhow, I'm having a little trouble knowing just where to direct the money I've set aside for giving when there are so very, very many charitable causes out there.

Why I learned about a new one just this morning when I was out on a stroll with the dog. By the way, Oprah, you'd just adore her being a dog lover yourself and all. She's perfect in every way! Well, except for that propensity to car sickness and the depression thingy. But don't worry, the meds seem to be helping. Hmm. . . maybe you could do a show on it!

Anyhow, I was right in the middle of a stoop and scoop when I glanced up and saw the sign on my neighbour's lawn.

"Clutter For Cancer"

Now I asked myself, "What do you suppose that's about?" I assumed it was some sort of fund raiser with proceeds going towards cancer research but I couldn't quite figure out where the clutter part came in.

Were they asking me to collect my clutter and come to some sort of collective yard sale where I'd sell my stuff alongside fellow Clutter For Cancer volunteers? Would we all go home feeling virtuous albeit the proud owners of each others stuff? I suppose I could store it and re-sell it at next year's Clutter For Cancer event.

Oh, and then there was that time I was waiting in line at the drugstore to buy toothpaste. I had to go pee really, really bad (too much coffee again) but the line just didn't seem to be moving at all.

When I finally got to the front I realized the reason things were going so slowly was because the girl kept asking everyone if they wanted to add a dollar to their purchase. It entitled them to a piece of paper cut out in the shape of a shoe. The dollar went to support people with some disease I had never heard of. To sweeten the deal, we were invited to write our names on the shoe and stick it on the front window of the store.

Well, what choice did I have? The window was covered in shoes and I didn't want to look like the only one who didn't care about this terrible disease. So I forked over the buck, crossed my legs and wrote out my name.

But when I got home I began to wonder if there really was a disease. Maybe some clever marketing types at the drugstore's head office had made it all up. How do I know? Maybe they were pocketing the dollar. Or maybe it was a plot to keep us in line longer so we'd buy those tempting but useless and ridiculously expensive impulse items they keep near the cash - you know, things like gum and lottery tickets and Oprah magazines.

You get the idea Oprah - we're asked at every turn to donate to something worthwhile and frankly, I find it overwhelming. And why do they think they have to make all these initiatives so complicated?

It reminds me of when my daughter was a Girl Guide and every September they'd give us boxes and boxes of cookies to sell and I'd keep asking Wrinkly Owl or Bitchy Bear or whatever the heck my daughter's leader called herself, "Can't I just give you a cheque?"

And every year the answer was the same, "No. You and your daughter must sell the cookies then bring the money to us."

And I would finally give up and drag a wagon load of cookies home, throw them in the freezer and write a cheque for the whole darn amount.

If only we had one person who could be in charge of it all and in her benevolence, decide where the money should go. Someone Oprah, like you.

You've already got tons and tons of experience at giving things away. Why, when you gave all those girls cell phones, I said to myself, "Now here's a woman who really knows how to spend money."

You don't have to answer yet, just give it some thought. And while you're mulling things over, in the spirit of giving, I've included a box of cookies for you to enjoy.

Best,
Karen

--Karen Hamilton lives in Toronto, Canada, where she publishes The Best Kept Secret, an e-newsletter and Web site for women over 40. Like the proverbial Seinfeld of the perimenopause set, Karen is fascinated with “the little things” of midlife. You can reach Karen via e-mail at karen@thebestkeptsecret.ca or visit her Web site at www.thebestkeptsecret.ca.