Could my husband be going through an early mid-life crisis at age 28?

I think another reason I am getting frustrated is because even though he had this one breakdown and seemed like he was coming alive somewhat, I am still frustrated because he never seems to want to do anything. He doesn't want to try new things. He is completely settled and everytime I suggest us doing something, he has a reason not to. We never have anything to talk about and dont have really much of anything in common. I think its frustrating probably because we are 6 years apart. I am in my young 20s and I still want to live. I feel like he has just given up, and I am the type that always has to be doing something, always learning something new, always growing, always striving to become a better me. e isnt any of these things. I cant really afford counseling but would love to go even if it was just me but would love to do marriage counseling. I dont think he'd be up for it though. I feel bad because sometimes I think about divorce...its not that I want one...I just wonder if it would be better sometimes. Dont get me wrong I love my husband more than anything....maybe his mid-life crisis has sparked one for me too, which is sad because I am only 22!!!! I hope someone responds with some real advice. Thanks for reading!

Camille

That sounds terrible, doesn't it? What you're describing does sound like what others of us are going through. I don't know for sure, but the way to treat it is probably similar. Here's my advice, which you might or might not be able to use.

I suggest that you find good support for you. By good support I mean people who won't support weak stuff like, "Yeah, just divorce him, you deserve more." If that is so, it is by far the best to find out from the heart of you and it's nobody else's business. But first, you need support for your best side. You need a good church, or group, or the best people in your family.

Don't complain about him to your family--they'll hate him, and then when things are better they won't move on.

You can't change him, either by trying to kick his butt or by being sweet. But you can find the best part of you. In the long run, this is good for you and if he comes back, he'll find a better you. But if he won't come back, you'll have learned so much.

Antidepressants are good. They let your brain register a sunnier outlook. I've used them in the past. (I'm not doing it this time because I want to be transformed. I also think it could be thyroid. But if this lasts much longer...) Antidepressants are not a crutch. They might help that 'stuck' feeling.

Look at the nutritional picture. Un-nutritious food and a lack of essential fatty acids can mess with your brain chemistry and your hormones. Look for the fiber, vegetables, et cetera. He might not be willing to eat them, but vitamins and fish oil capsules are easy to do. Get the vitamins from a health food store and not the grocery store, because they are in a more usable form.

Anyhoo, Sorry for your troubles.

If you live near a college, go to their psych department. There are psychologists in training and they are supervised by licensed professionals. You sometimes have to try several before you find a good one.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, especially so early in your lives. Your husband sounds like he might be suffering from depression and needs professional help. Denial is not uncommon. For both of your sakes I hope that you are able to facilitate him getting it.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

ok we have been married for a little over 8 years and in that 8 years he has bounced from one job to the other or not had one at all. we have 4 little girls. He started working at his current job almost 2 years ago which is the longest he has ever worked in one place. Recently he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. He suddenly desided he wasn't a mini van type but we have four kids I don't think anyone is a minivan type but when you have that many kids you don't have much of a choice. He says he feels lost, like he just woke up and this is his life. He says he doesn't know who he is as a person outside of being married and having 4 kids. He says he feels like we have been having marriage problems for a long time now and the thing is I don't see it. We have had a problem latley see there is this girl that has been working with him for 11 months now and the whole time he would come home and tell me the things she was saying about herself or to him. She is very open booked person and has a habbit of telling him very pirivate things about her and the conversations that they were having were wrong. She told him about her grooming habits down there tells him she is misserable in her marriage and whats wierd is that it seems like he created marriage problems for us so he had something to talk to her about. He told me a while ago that she starts the conversations and then last night he said he starts the conversation. He is balding very early and says he just wants her or any girl to find him attractive. He says he doesn't feel attractive anymore even though I tell he is all the time. WE are going to marriage theraphy starting on tuesday. I am very much in love with my husband I really don't want split up. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis depression or what I am just very scared and hurt right now and I really need some advice.

" I don't know if this is a midlife crisis depression or what"

I'm not sure the specific label matters. Your husband is certainly having issues and it is good you are going to counseling. I'm not sure which is stranger, the fact that a co-worker of his is telling him of her "grooming habits down there" or the fact that he comes home and reports them to you. He could certainly use some personal counseling as well.

In my opinion, it's okay to have changed quite a few jobs by 26 and I'm sure that it's not uncommon for 26 year olds to have not been at the same job for more than 2 years. However you and your husband have 4 children so the time of young adulthood that others might have to find themselves is much less of an option for you and your husband due to your family responsibilities. I'm sure you know that the biggest concern for many people your husband's age is where they will go snowboarding or what kind of beer to bring to the party. However you and your husband have far, far greater concerns and issues and (to me at least) it's not surprising that at 26 he's finding himself off balance. I hope things work out for all of your sakes (you, your kids and your husband's).

By the way, make sure that during this difficult time you are taking care of your needs as well. Between 4 kids and a troubled husband things like eating properly, getting exercise, etc. can fall off the charts. Make sure that you are working your own personal support network of friends and family as well.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

hi there i have to been sufferring from the same problem with my husband we havent even been married a year it has been a rough year for both of us i had to have two surjerys on my right shoulder and he has been in and out of jobs since december 2006 things seemed to be better around the time of our wedding then our wedding day was an absolute disaster due to the people that we had stand up with us we really found out who our friends were right after the wedding we bout a majorly run down house that he wanted to live in and we have been renovating and hes been gone for the last 8 months on a job in another town that made it so i rarely saw him i missd him so bad i just couldnt deal with it and all the other things in our lifes in february he found someone else and i began to rarely hear from him at all he came home begining of june and told me that he had been spending time with a chic online and it had gotten seriuos and that he had almost decided not to come home he is still talking to her all the time like four or five hrs a nite and he claims that she is a troubled women that needs help where i can understand that i no longer trust him like i used to i will always love him but he will have to earn my trust im in the same boat he seems to be going thru a midlife crisis and it sucks i know i really cant say that im much help but u know it helps to know that there is someone else going thru the same thing tk care and good luck :)

If you decide to move on, best thing is to do it and recover. Get on with your life. Preserve you sanity and morals. Realize that this is his mess. He may work it out. Probably won't. I think there are more avenues - like the internet - in which people can feed their delusions. I mean think about it: How could any "normal" person enage in an intimate relationship with someone they can't even see? Liars on both ends of the exchange. Then there's the fact that they're married.

I don't think these people can be fixed. It's to easy to continue the silliness. My wife graduated from the internet sex/relationships to the telephone and then to match.com.

At the beginning of this year my husband and I returned from a trip to El Salvador where he was born. We started building a house there and we were plaing to take our 3 children (ages 13, 11 and 2) there every year to see his family. We were at the point in our lives were everything was going well. We were well established and happy, or so I thought. A short while after we returned he informed me that he no longer had feelings for me. That he has been unhappy for years and doesnt think he has ever loved me. We have been together for 15 years. He is just going to turn 35. He makes excuses like Im too tall, I dont know how to dance, and we got married too young, and we just dont have 'it' We are expected to go to El Salvador for 1 month in a week but Im not sure if Im putting myself in a vulnurable situation or if there is still hope. He has been moved out since the begining of June whe I asked him to leave. He has been going out partying at clubs every weekend for months. He says he does it to get away from me and he needs time. Then when I went away for a weekend with my family he left the kids alone 2 nights to party all nite. I just dont get it. Hes always been a woderful husband and a great father. Always been really responsible. Now he says he doesnt want to be that responsible guy anymore and hes actig like someone I dont even know. I just dont know if going away with him and the kids to El Salvador would be a good thing or is it best to just let him go alone and stay here and work on my own needs?

These gutless, dishonest ingrates are all the same.

My wife dropped the bomb last July. She says we're different people, blah, blah. I knew it was hogwash. I've been a good husband because I worked at it. She had started an emotional affair with some lowlife most women would be embarraseed to even know. She had to demonize me. How else could she justify betrayal?

She also said we should not have married. We don't like the same tv shows. I don't like baseball and she does. I don't know how to have fun.

It was pathetic. They have to make it right within their own minds. They need the lie t make themselves feel good about this. I never, ever want to know people like these again in my life.

This is depression, not mid- life crisis. Nite work can make many people depressed, it messes up the hormones/neurotransmitters. He should get a day job. Take him to a doctor. Depressed people especially men, find it very difficult to do that. Good luck. Irene

PEOPLE DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT(DOESN'T THINK HE EVER LOVED YOU)LIGHTLY. PEOPLE KNOW WHETHER SOMEONE WAS THE 'LOVE OF THEIR LIFE "OR NOT.PEOPLE CAN 'BE GOOD' FOR YEARS TRYING TO FIGHT THEIR OWN NEGATIVE FEELING ABOUT A MARRIAGE. LET HIM GO ALONE. BE STRONG, TAKE CARE. SORRY.

I've been going thru problems in my marriage. One month away from our 4th anniversary my husband told me he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore I was todally in shock never expected this at all both my husband and I are 27. I felt desperate and couldn't imagine my life withoug him. After looking for help on line I came across this website

http://www.encouragingwomen.org/index.php

Now I believe that God is trying to tell me that I need to seek Him first. If you feel like there is no hope for your marriage and feel like the only way out is a divorce. Go to this website. Hope it helps and God Bless

My husband and I have 3 beautiful girls and been married for 5 years but been together 8. I have seen him hook up with my friend when I was 8 months pregnant, then got back together after my oldest was 2 months old. I am still not over the fact that he left me for my friend. Then I got pregnat again and we figured it was time to get married. For 2 years it was great, but while being pregnant he always wanted to party and I couldn't given the circumstances of being pregnant ( that made me mad). In the mean time, he would tell me he was no longer happy and he was going to get rid of everything in his life that would cause drama, which is definition of drama is anything that gets in his way. I have been kicked out of the house to many times, I can't count them. I have spoken with a lawyer and pastor to many times and I just can't seem to totally break it off with him. I really do love him, I have unconditional love. It might sound crazy to be with someone like him but I can't stop it. He lost his job because he smoked marijuana while I was pregnat with my 3rd one, and no one would hire me. We lost our house cars and moved with his parents and then my father. I stood in front of a building 7 months pregnant in 30 degree weather to get a utility bill paid, while he was at home with our other 2 children. With all this happening I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and depression. I don't get along with my inlaws. They never tell there son how he needs to change and he listens to them more then he does me. We do not communicate with each other, I try but I find things out from his mother, not from him. He recently lost another job again, I was at work and he called me I started crying and I promised myself and my children that we would never be broke again. It was happening and I was so angry because he came home with his friend and talked to him and not me about his plans for the future. He needed to speak with me, instead he totally left me in the dark. I decided it was time to let go and get away from him, I have moved in to a house will he is still in the rental. I am paying for groceries and other things for the kids and he is not helping me. He says he has no money but he buys beer every night. I don't get it. My parents totally hate him, and truely I am again not really ready to let go. I am not bipolar unless I am around him and I know god saids it okay to divorce if one commits adultry or your totally not healthy for one another. I am so lost because I know we fit in the category of not healthy for each other or my children.

This doesn't sound like a midlife crisis. I don't want to put you down at all. It looks like you're in a marital crisis. I wish you great courage and that you find some good things to anchor yourself to, and it looks to me like you're really a healthy person under bad circumstances.

My husband told me last week after almost 6 years of marriage that we were over. I am 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child, which he has now told me he never wanted. We just built our beautiful home less than 2 years ago and both have very good jobs. We both work a lot and different shifts and days off so we never get much time together but that hasn't ever bothered him. He says he has been unhappy and that we fight too much. I have asked him to go to counseling with me for the past 3 years but he always refuses saying he doesn't need it. No he says it is too late. But we have never tried to make anything better. We have no communication between us. He is always withdrawn and when i do try and talk to him he is always defensive. Last week I had a suspicion that he had been talking to another woman and I checked his voicemail sure enough there was an inappropriate message from her. He tried to say he had no clue what she meant. then turned it around on me for being jealous of him having a friend! He just started talking to this woman 2 weeks ago. She is the mother of one of our daughter's school friends! She is married with 3 children and is 10 years older than him. He says nothing is going on and the last thing he would do was be unfaithful and that he doesn't want another relationship. He just wants to be alone. I know he has many regrets in life but so does everyone and I have always supported every decision he has made or chose not to make. He isn't leaving because we have too much to lose right now, he is planning on staying with me until I finish school so I can afford our home on my own, but for now he comes and goes as he pleases and I am expected to just keep my mouth shut. The worst part is he is he is making a mockery of our entire relationship, basically saying we never should have got married to begin with! We started counseling a few days ago but if he is already saying he is finished, what is the point? His parents have been very supportive and think he is acting like a spoiled irresponsible brat but he won't listen to anyone. If I talk to him it turns to a fight and he uses it as another reason why we shouldn't be together. I'm just lost, I love him and our family very much and no matter what he says now I know in my heart that he loved me and wanted this life we built together. I guess it hurts so much because I know the man he is capable of being and he wants to pretend that person never existed.

I have just been thought the same thing, these people change into heartless selfish children, It has been a few monthe now of cruel actions to me and not seeing his son, stopping money etc selling home. You cant talk to them no one can - I was so hurt in the beginning, cried all the time. Time does heal that is true I didnt think it would, but you will get stronger and realise do you really want this type of person in your life and in the life of your children Remember they will be the loosers in the end - they cannot see that at the moment. I will be so glad when my ex is out of our lives for good I can teach my son how to treat people. You will also realise what good friends/ family will come out of the woodwork to support you. They are the people you need in your life. Be strong I was told this in the beginning, and I never thought the hurt would go> I get better every day, I cry and get angry sometimes, but in the end the deep love you have with your partner will never go, but you will realise that you are the better person and you just do not need it, life is just too short.

Sian

I have been reading all these entries and notice something. I have seen one posted by a guy? I am a 28 year old guy. I have been engaged to a women I love (26) for 14 months. We decided to buy a house and fix it up just so before we made any marriage plans. The house is ending up taking longer then we hoped and a LOT more money then we expected. With that being said. I have been reading allot on the topics and feel like am going threw has more in common with a Mid Life Crises then a depression. I could feel everything building up and going to explode. I wish she would listen to me. I try to talk to here all the time and it just goes in one ear out the other. With the economy the way it is she is making more then me and I think that bothers her. I have spent all my savings and every other penny I could on the house and new the bills are rolling in. I am very proud of her and love her; I just wish she would listen to me more. I know some of these just are just jerks but am sure at least some are just looking for that extra attention that talking to someone new can give... Thank you 28 Male

8/10 married american couples end in divorce. go figure, if you guys are part of the majority. and why the hell would you guys wed so early?

Let me be brutally honest with you, hon!

Stay away from this guy...get a divorce...he is a no good, two timing, loser...who is going to drain your energy, courage and spirit. This guy will live up to the old adage "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Your husband is not in MLC...he just has higher priorities on his list..it is drinking, his friends and messing around with other women...His parents enable his behavior...they never taught him to be responsible. He more than likely grew up watching the same things being done in his own home...children mirror their parents, you know.

You have made a wise choice of moving out and it doesn't surprise me that he is not helping you out. Did you really think that he would? He didn't help you when you were together all that much...it seems he was always on his own program. He only comes home long enough so he can play house....He doesn't even talk to YOU! This isn't a marriage. Your parents have all the reason in the world to hate him...just from your short post here...I'm not liking him too much either.

Look...You need to let go...this man is no good for you or your kids. You will not change him...he has betrayed you by sleeping with another woman when you were pregnant, for God's sake!!! That is the ultimate act of L-O-W! I'd be Bi-polar too if I was married to a guy who ignored me; except for when he wanted to have sex and I got pregnant x 3; made to live with his parents; didn't talk to me; losing his job all time and then slept around. Come on! How could you love someone who doesn't do anything to love you back? It sounds like you are addicted to him and the way he treats you...not in love with him. Loving someone unconditonally doesn't mean that you allow them to walk all over you.

God doesn't want that for you...God has opened the door Walk through it and then shut it tight...there is a guy out there that will love you the way you deserve to be loved...but it isn't your present husband. Any ways...you don't need a man to be successful or capable...You can do it all on your own if you have to...you have been proving it already...your husband hasn't exactly helped you out all that much.

This I can tell you...if you stay...when you get old enough for an MLC...I can guarentee that you go through one...you are setting yourself up for one at this very moment. Spare yourself from this horrbile event now! Choose to do what is right for you and your children now!

Shepherdess

PS Sorry for the CyberHotFLash (www.cyberhotflash.blogspot)...but my heart breaks when hear these sorts of stories...because I see this woman heaping logs on to her MLC fire...a fire that is yet to be burning...but one that will surely go ablaze when she hits the appropriate age. MLC can be prevetned by the choices we make when we are younger and by resolving issues now, taking care of our mind, bodies and spirits thoroughout our lives...unconditionally loving ourselves first. God Bless!

Join us at www.womeninmlc.lefora.com

Ok, my husband and I have been married for 5 years and we now have our second child on the way ( 7 months prego) all the while I have supported him with his music endeavors and bands he's played with, while semi sacrficing my time to ofcourse be a mom and wife, and finishy degree... Intimacy has always been an issueas well since I want more and he needs less.. But now, since I'm unemplyed and preparing for baby #2, he has decided to "hustle" and take up dj-ing on the side. Keep in mind, I'm 29, and he's 34.. Djing on the side, coming home almost every sat or sun at 430am with only 60 dollars isn't flying with me at all! when I stand my ground, I'm nagging or bothering him.. Iv supported him this whole time, without any appreciation, just more abuse. This has gone on since the beginning of our marriage. It's garbage and I've made this very clear. I don't want to lose my sanity and my marriage, but I'm an awesome wife, and don't deserve to be put 2nd to his music, or lofty Mid life crisis dreams.. What do I do!?