Could my husband be going through an early mid-life crisis at age 28?

I think another reason I am getting frustrated is because even though he had this one breakdown and seemed like he was coming alive somewhat, I am still frustrated because he never seems to want to do anything. He doesn't want to try new things. He is completely settled and everytime I suggest us doing something, he has a reason not to. We never have anything to talk about and dont have really much of anything in common. I think its frustrating probably because we are 6 years apart. I am in my young 20s and I still want to live. I feel like he has just given up, and I am the type that always has to be doing something, always learning something new, always growing, always striving to become a better me. e isnt any of these things. I cant really afford counseling but would love to go even if it was just me but would love to do marriage counseling. I dont think he'd be up for it though. I feel bad because sometimes I think about divorce...its not that I want one...I just wonder if it would be better sometimes. Dont get me wrong I love my husband more than anything....maybe his mid-life crisis has sparked one for me too, which is sad because I am only 22!!!! I hope someone responds with some real advice. Thanks for reading!

Camille

That sounds terrible, doesn't it?
What you're describing does sound like what others of us are going through. I don't know for sure, but the way to treat it is probably similar. Here's my advice, which you might or might not be able to use.

I suggest that you find good support for you. By good support I mean people who won't support weak stuff like, "Yeah, just divorce him, you deserve more." If that is so, it is by far the best to find out from the heart of you and it's nobody else's business. But first, you need support for your best side. You need a good church, or group, or the best people in your family.

Don't complain about him to your family--they'll hate him, and then when things are better they won't move on.

You can't change him, either by trying to kick his butt or by being sweet. But you can find the best part of you. In the long run, this is good for you and if he comes back, he'll find a better you. But if he won't come back, you'll have learned so much.

Antidepressants are good. They let your brain register a sunnier outlook. I've used them in the past. (I'm not doing it this time because I want to be transformed. I also think it could be thyroid. But if this lasts much longer...) Antidepressants are not a crutch. They might help that 'stuck' feeling.

Look at the nutritional picture. Un-nutritious food and a lack of essential fatty acids can mess with your brain chemistry and your hormones. Look for the fiber, vegetables, et cetera. He might not be willing to eat them, but vitamins and fish oil capsules are easy to do. Get the vitamins from a health food store and not the grocery store, because they are in a more usable form.

Anyhoo, Sorry for your troubles.

If you live near a college, go to their psych department. There are psychologists in training and they are supervised by licensed professionals. You sometimes have to try several before you find a good one.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, especially so early in your lives. Your husband sounds like he might be suffering from depression and needs professional help. Denial is not uncommon. For both of your sakes I hope that you are able to facilitate him getting it.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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ok we have been married for a little over 8 years and in that 8 years he has bounced from one job to the other or not had one at all. we have 4 little girls. He started working at his current job almost 2 years ago which is the longest he has ever worked in one place. Recently he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. He suddenly desided he wasn't a mini van
type but we have four kids I don't think anyone is a minivan type but when you have that many kids you don't have much of a choice. He says he feels lost, like he just woke up and this is his life. He says he doesn't know who he is as a person outside of being married and having 4 kids. He says he feels like we have been having marriage problems for a long time now and the thing is I don't see it. We have had a problem latley see there is this girl that has been working with him for 11 months now and the whole time he would come home and tell me the things she was saying about herself or to him. She is very open booked person and has a habbit of telling him very pirivate things about her and the conversations that they were having were wrong. She told him about her grooming habits down there tells him she is misserable in her marriage and whats wierd is that it seems like he created marriage problems for us so he had something to talk to her about. He told me a while ago that she starts the conversations and then last night he said he starts the conversation. He is balding very early and says he just wants her or any girl to find him attractive. He says he doesn't feel attractive anymore even though I tell he is all the time. WE are going to marriage theraphy starting on tuesday. I am very much in love with my husband I really don't want split up. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis depression or what I am just very scared and hurt right now and I really need some advice.

" I don't know if this is a midlife crisis depression or what"

I'm not sure the specific label matters. Your husband is certainly having issues and it is good you are going to counseling. I'm not sure which is stranger, the fact that a co-worker of his is telling him of her "grooming habits down there" or the fact that he comes home and reports them to you. He could certainly use some personal counseling as well.

In my opinion, it's okay to have changed quite a few jobs by 26 and I'm sure that it's not uncommon for 26 year olds to have not been at the same job for more than 2 years. However you and your husband have 4 children so the time of young adulthood that others might have to find themselves is much less of an option for you and your husband due to your family responsibilities. I'm sure you know that the biggest concern for many people your husband's age is where they will go snowboarding or what kind of beer to bring to the party. However you and your husband have far, far greater concerns and issues and (to me at least) it's not surprising that at 26 he's finding himself off balance. I hope things work out for all of your sakes (you, your kids and your husband's).

By the way, make sure that during this difficult time you are taking care of your needs as well. Between 4 kids and a troubled husband things like eating properly, getting exercise, etc. can fall off the charts. Make sure that you are working your own personal support network of friends and family as well.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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hi there i have to been sufferring from the same problem with my husband we havent even been married a year it has been a rough year for both of us i had to have two surjerys on my right shoulder and he has been in and out of jobs since december 2006 things seemed to be better around the time of our wedding then our wedding day was an absolute disaster due to the people that we had stand up with us we really found out who our friends were right after the wedding we bout a majorly run down house that he wanted to live in and we have been renovating and hes been gone for the last 8 months on a job in another town that made it so i rarely saw him i missd him so bad i just couldnt deal with it and all the other things in our lifes in february he found someone else and i began to rarely hear from him at all he came home begining of june and told me that he had been spending time with a chic online and it had gotten seriuos and that he had almost decided not to come home he is still talking to her all the time like four or five hrs a nite and he claims that she is a troubled women that needs help where i can understand that i no longer trust him like i used to i will always love him but he will have to earn my trust im in the same boat he seems to be going thru a midlife crisis and it sucks i know i really cant say that im much help but u know it helps to know that there is someone else going thru the same thing tk care and good luck :)

If you decide to move on, best thing is to do it and recover. Get on with your life. Preserve you sanity and morals. Realize that this is his mess. He may work it out. Probably won't. I think there are more avenues - like the internet - in which people can feed their delusions. I mean think about it: How could any "normal" person enage in an intimate relationship with someone they can't even see? Liars on both ends of the exchange. Then there's the fact that they're married.

I don't think these people can be fixed. It's to easy to continue the silliness. My wife graduated from the internet sex/relationships to the telephone and then to match.com.

At the beginning of this year my husband and I returned from a trip to El Salvador where he was born. We started building a house there and we were plaing to take our 3 children (ages 13, 11 and 2) there every year to see his family. We were at the point in our lives were everything was going well. We were well established and happy, or so I thought. A short while after we returned he informed me that he no longer had feelings for me. That he has been unhappy for years and doesnt think he has ever loved me. We have been together for 15 years. He is just going to turn 35. He makes excuses like Im too tall, I dont know how to dance, and we got married too young, and we just dont have 'it' We are expected to go to El Salvador for 1 month in a week but Im not sure if Im putting myself in a vulnurable situation or if there is still hope. He has been moved out since the begining of June whe I asked him to leave. He has been going out partying at clubs every weekend for months. He says he does it to get away from me and he needs time. Then when I went away for a weekend with my family he left the kids alone 2 nights to party all nite. I just dont get it. Hes always been a woderful husband and a great father. Always been really responsible. Now he says he doesnt want to be that responsible guy anymore and hes actig like someone I dont even know. I just dont know if going away with him and the kids to El Salvador would be a good thing or is it best to just let him go alone and stay here and work on my own needs?

These gutless, dishonest ingrates are all the same.

My wife dropped the bomb last July. She says we're different people, blah, blah. I knew it was hogwash. I've been a good husband because I worked at it. She had started an emotional affair with some lowlife most women would be embarraseed to even know. She had to demonize me. How else could she justify betrayal?

She also said we should not have married. We don't like the same tv shows. I don't like baseball and she does. I don't know how to have fun.

It was pathetic. They have to make it right within their own minds. They need the lie t make themselves feel good about this. I never, ever want to know people like these again in my life.

This is depression, not mid- life crisis. Nite work can make many people depressed, it messes up the hormones/neurotransmitters. He should get a day job. Take him to a doctor. Depressed people especially men, find it very difficult to do that. Good luck. Irene

PEOPLE DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT(DOESN'T THINK HE EVER LOVED YOU)LIGHTLY. PEOPLE KNOW WHETHER SOMEONE WAS THE 'LOVE OF THEIR LIFE "OR NOT.PEOPLE CAN 'BE GOOD' FOR YEARS TRYING TO FIGHT THEIR OWN NEGATIVE FEELING ABOUT A MARRIAGE. LET HIM GO ALONE. BE STRONG, TAKE CARE. SORRY.