Confronting Personal Issues

This crisis I've been in has forced me to take a good hard look at things.

What if my child is gay? What should I do? Tell her not to be gay? I don't believe I have a vote in that. Tell her if she's gay I won't love her? Never. BUT, if she is gay, will I stop loving her? I don't like 'gay.' Make it go away. What if it doesn't go away? What then? Can I love her? Could I possibly dissociate from my own child?

I don't get to vote, and so I will have to let her steer her own boat. What I want for her is to have good judgment in life, to work with and learn with people she can trust, and to find connection with God, and to be an honest person.

What if I don't love my husband? What if I secretly hate him? What would I do then? Doesn't that mean I'm a holder of hate? I don't want to be that. Wouldn't it be better to leave, then? But that would hurt my kids' sense of their own worth, and I'd rather preserve them knowing I love them so much I will be here, because they're here. But what about me? Isn't there a better way for my soul to live? What if there isn't, and this is all there is? Do I have to take this?

I will pay attention to the love. I'll foster it, live it, stop projecting, etc. Until the truth comes out and all is revealed, and then we'll see what's true. Until then, the only avenue I've got is to confront my demons.

What are your demons?