military husband having a MLC & affair....

If he's having an MLC he might feel like I have: It's like a death. The feeling of loss strikes suddenly.

I'm sorry you have to partake in all this. Having an affair, I think, is just trying to put a fix on the situation.

But I think the sex is the booby prize (unintended pun) and what he could be getting is a much better insight into life and what's truly valuable.

You deserve acknowledgement for staying lucid.

Thank you for your comments.....It does seem to be a difficult thing to go through if one is not prepared. Sorry to hear what you have been going through!

I am getting stronger everyday. I am not focused on saving our marriage as much anymore. Anyway, he still has a year left on this assignment. My main concern now is the damage (bridges he is burning)he is doing to his relationship with his children. It is heart wrenching. So, I pray that one day he wakes up and hope that it is not to late! Thanks again!

This is very unreal. I can relate with being in a relationship where one partner is not being truthful. My husband and I are both active duty with 12(me) years and him(13) years. I understand what you're going through. I sometimes use my kids to nudge my husband, who's cheated and I know that it's not fair, but I also feel as though I didn't get a fair chance to work on my marriage. There are lots of people telling me different things and I know several spouses that have tried everything and unfornately I don't work for the CDC or anything like that but it seems that cheating has become a pandemic problem. I know of at least 9 out of 10 Army marriages have broken up since all of these deployments began. It's sad and we need help to save our lives.

It's not pandemic, it's escapism. People aren't even ashamed anymore. Instead of guilt, people feel entitled. "My wife/husband was (choose your excuse). What did you expect me to do?"

My wife cheated and blamed me. She said she didn't want to work on the marriage. "Marriages that need work aren't working," she said. "We shouldn't have to talk." I still can't unravel that logic.

It's how we live. Life's a little rough - not living up to the "reality" you see on tv? Have an affair. My wife cheated. I feel betrayed. She kicked our marriage to the curb. I'll get over it. I come away from this with a clean conscience. To me that means something.

Unfaithfulness would probably not fit the definition for pandemic but that is not to say that it isn't an issue, isn't prevalent, and isn't growing. The statistics that you hear are usually something "% of men/women cheat on their spouses over the period of their marriage." That means that a person who has a single affair over a 20-year period is counted the same as someone who is a habitual cheater. This makes it difficult to grasp what the numbers really mean and where they are trending. Data collection is also challenging for obvious reasons.

Finally, I don't know if the #s are different for military marriages versus the overall population though the separations that are part of military families could certainly lead to higher incidence.

LifeTwo is currently working on a series of posts to shed more on the topic since it is such an area of interest. Here are the posts we've done so far on infidelity.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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No hard stats but anecdotally these relationships never last. The bloom wears off the rose. The cheater gts dumped or dumps the other ansd either continues with another relationship, living in denial. Or they wake up, at some point, and relaized life has moved on and they have nothig but sorrow, shame and wasted time? In their wake are the people they have hurt. Sometimes the damage is not fixable.
Cheating is one thing where the're no lasting upside. They's no future in it. I was rasied in two-parent family in the south with strict, traditional values. We were taught that marriage is a sacred bond and that loyalty was worth its weight in gold. How can a cheater trust someone who'd engage in an affair with a married person? Do people think, "Well, it's going to be different with me?" How does an afair fix anything?
Don't mean to rant. I'm generally ok but am having one of those bad days. My wife flew off because at 47 she realized a husband with a six-figure income all of a sudden wasn't earning the money she needed to be happy. I'm too content (her words), and can't give her things like new car, limitless credit card spending, renovated bathroom in an $800,000 house with three bathrooms. I'm not kidding. So she's found someone else.
This guy is either married or single. No matter, he'll stay with my soon to be ex-wife until he finds someone younger and prettier. Where does that leave her 2,5,10 years down the road? She thinks one of these guys is going to marry her a la Prince Charming and shower were with luxery? It's plent weird.

Infidelity.....It does seem to be prevalent. I never focused to much on how many people around me were getting divorced or having affairs....then it was happening to me! The more people you talk to the more you see how common these to issues are. It stinks! I put all of my energy into my marriage and family and now I get to see it unravel. Unfortunately, I do think that the separations, that the military families go through, do put a strain on the marriage. And, I don't feel that there is enough support out there to help us adjust to the separation or the return. Maybe there should be mandatory counseling before or after the separation...I don't know...just a thought! I would imagine the military would benefit by supporting the families staying together...they are always preaching how imp. it is to get the mission done and get it done right. Mission comes first! Well, I know that my husband seems to be irrational at times so I wonder how he behaves at work and if any coworkers notice any difference. I would like to believe that "these relationships never last" (the affair) and that "the bloom wears off the rose". Every relationship takes work and there are always up and downs. He seems to think that the grass is greener but I guess he will have to find out the hard way! The OP has to have doubts that this person they are with is going to be faithful to them. In the back of their mind they have to think...I will always be just the OW/OM. I too believe that marriage is a sacred bond!!

By Christian Peper

I am a sexual counselor. One bad thing about fascist movements is sexual repression. It is normal and healthy to have sex at a youthful age. Repressive religions restrict sexuality and this causes serious problems including marriage problems.

It is simple; control the body, control the mind. I hate the fact that in the Bible belt most people have some form of sexual dysfunction and most men are on Viagra or need it. Why are they? They have been taught to hate sex. I say it is far better to have fun (go to parties, etc) than be prude.

Incorporating swinging into marriages can prevent cheating.

Not sure what the credentials are for a "sexual counselor" but regardless I guess everyone is entitled to an opinion. I think your premise is laughable. The causes of cheating can go well-beyond the desire for sexual experimentation outside of one's marriage. There is often an emotional component, especially for women.

Sad commentary.

I have a question about that statement, 'control the body, control the mind': If you decide to have an openly sexual life, what does it lead to in the end? Is it more likely to...

a. Deepen your ability to love and accept love--real love that can deal with problems and fears and not go away?

b. Give you some memories, good and bad, and some hangovers, and maybe some buddies?

c. Give you deep-down shame that you have to cover up with a jovial attitude and more determination to party harder, until you catch an STD that you can't pretend to ignore?

Well, husband called mother and told her about the other woman???? He spoke to his mother for an hour. First of all, he rarely calls his mother. Secondly, he knows that his mother doesn't want the marriage to end. She asked him if he loved her and he said he thinks a little but that he "has been thinking". She asked him if the woman knows about me and he said yes. He told her that he was going to divorce me. His mother told him that he was making a huge mistake and that he would have regrets because this woman only wants him because he is American and for his money. I asked his mother to be honest with me and tell me if she thought he was just trying to get her on his side or is he confused. She thinks both! He told his mother several times that he has been thinking a lot. Also, he has recently sent me a friendly e-mail making small talk! What is going on? I am so confused. Any advice would be appreciated....

Not interested in advice about becoming a swinger though! :)

"I am so confused."

It's not surprising that you are confused. How could you be anything else? If you read the other forums on spouse issues, you see a similar pattern to what you are seeing in your husband. Hot then cold. Friendly email then nothing. Etc., etc. You hear the term "roller coaster" quite a bit. Your husband is confused and even his mother recognizes it.

All of this is why we suggest that you focus on yourself and emphasize your needs (mental, physical, and social). Leverage your support network of friends and family. You can't control how your husband acts so you need to be prepared for a continuation of what has been happening until: a) he comes to his senses; b) he doesn't but files; or c) you lose patience and decide to move on with your life.

Also, if you haven't read the articles on the site about husband's midlife crisis.

Finally, keep posting. Your experiences will help others that follow.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Thanks Wesley....I am getting tired of riding this roller coaster ride! I did reply to his e-mail and was friendly like he was...He didn't answer me and I know this is just part of the game being played.

I feel frustrated w/ my self because I know that I need to stop being concerned with him and start taking care of myself. It seems easier said than done. Why is it so hard to take that step? Why do I keep procrastinating? I cannot help but think that I wouldn't be going through this if he wasn't so far away....but then again, who knows! I am lucky enough to have a lot of friends and family supporting me (including his family for now)! When I finally get my act together, hopefully I will be able to help others.

"Why is it so hard to take that step? "

This is where your friends should be coming in. Ask a few close ones for help on this.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Hello - I am here after reading the above posts. I feel ashamed for writing, but I truly believe my husband is having an affair, but he has a pattern of lying over the years when confronted with ANYTHING. I feel like I have to 'pick my battles', so to speak. His unit was in Iraq; they were gone 18 months total. I would hear about other soldiers having affairs - it sounded common. My husband has a daughter from a previous "fling". He had cheated on a long-term g/f (way before our marriage), and got this other girl pregnant. His track record is bad. We have a beautiful, intelligent 4-year-old son together. Is our (lack of) sex-life worth terminating our 7-year marriage? I found a long, curly hair on my bath towel today - after pulling many if mine out - this is NOT mine. He received two hang up calls near midnight last night - "restricted". He uses his cell for work, yet sometimes he turns it off on weekend - another obvious signal. I control our finances. But one does not need money if just out having casual sex 'after work'. He bought new underwear too. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I just want to know if I should just keep quiet, because he will still deny anything is going on (habitual liar) (even every time when confronted with online porn). I wouldn’t mind the porn, "just looking", if he was honest and did not lie about it. But when I found a close-up photo on his computer of some girl, not nude but taken during his Iraq time, be denied how it got there. I found a history on his computer last year of a sex site-link, where he looked for ‘locals’ in our area. This was on his birthday a year ago. So I wonder if he acted on that, but I have no hard evidence. I have no local friends. I have a home business and have been constantly busy. I want to do something, but don’t know if it’s worth the arguing and crying and horrible gut feelings not to mention the financial cost of getting a divorce. I handle our finances and we make ends meet. He has enormous child support payments from his first child. I have the horrible gut feelings anyway. We sleep separately – he snores horribly, so I sleep on the couch. I wonder if I should just let things go the way they have because of the financial burden a divorce would be. His unit will be deploying again next year, but for ONLY 12 months instead of 18. Part of me can’t wait. I use this time to strengthen my bond with our son.
Crazy and confused -

I think the more you get ready, the less you'll have to cry.

Let's take this one step at at time. You wrote "I feel ashamed for writing,..."

There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about and certainly not by writing to seek help how to improve a bad situation. Yes I can see how some might feel bad for questioning their spouse's honesty without foundation but that is hardly your situation. Your husband's conduct and history are more than enough to lead a reasonable person to wonder whether or not their spouse was being on the level with them. So you checked their computer and far from clearing things up it has given you reasons to wonder even more. This plus the hair, the hangups, etc. all together would lead just about anyone to wonder what was really going on.

You asked whether "lack of sex" was enough to keep your marriage together, yet in your short posting you list so many issues that it is clear that lack of intimacy would be the only thing driving a dissolution of the marriage.

We cannot comment on the financial aspects of a potential divorce but for the health of you all that should not be the only thing keeping your family unit together. I would hope that for the sake of your son if nothing you would do everything possible to fix the marriage. At this stage (given what you've written) it would seem that outside counseling would almost be a must (that and the desire of your husband to want to improve things as opposed to just ending them). I don't know what resources the military has for families in situations like this but hope there are some. Otherwise there might be other forms of support via churches or others that could provide no-cost counseling. Also if you husband has no interest in this (which would speak volumes) then you might want to go alone. You definitely should be building your own support network of friends/family and focusing on your health and that of you kids. It sounds like an untenable situation and perhaps you will be able to buy some time with his deployment. That is something that you and your support team will have to decide.

Keep posting, sharing, asking and helping.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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During my husband's deployment I found out through emails that he was cheating with a female soldier. He was remorseful and vowed that wanted to reconcile and keep our family together. We were doing good for a couple of months until he found out his unit got extended from a year to 15 months. But right before he was to redeploy he began to say he was confused about what he wanted. When the question I intially asked him when all of this happend was to make a choice and at the time his choice was our family. I was shocked when I found out he called ahead to his unit and told them not to call me to notify me he had got back into the states.

When I did find out he was back, he apologized and kept saying that he was confused and he didn't know what he wanted and that it had been a long time away from our family. At first, I thought he was having symptoms of PTSD and that I should take the careful route and try to talk to him as much as I could to see what was on his mind. As we kept the communication lines open he confessed that he was now living with the woman that he had origionally had an affair with and at one point called and told me he was spending time with her kids. (Why would he even go so low to tell me that?) He would say that he wanted to go out and do things and not be bothered(meaning not having to tell me where he was or what he was doing). I thought why is he behaving like this? Was he gone so long that he convinced himself that he was a single man?

I gravitated closely to family and friends and tried to maintain my faith. Alot of people have told me to go to counseling but I don't even know if it's worth the time or energy. I waited 15 months for my husband to come back and I got a person who I don't even recognize anymore. Is counseling really worth it? Could he really be that mentally conflicted? We've been married for almost nine years and got married young. He's not even 30 yet and I ask the question if this is happening now then will he have a mid-life crisis later?I'm torn and don't know what to do.

"I'm torn and don't know what to do."

Then don't do anything, yet, and perhaps that would be a good enough reason for counseling--to decide what you want to do. One thing for certain his behavior does not bode well for a healthy future. If he isn't interested in reintroducing honesty into your relationship then that speaks volumes.

By the way, good job developing and leveraging your personal support network of friends and family. That is a must for weathering whatever happens.

Wesley Hein
Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com
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Are people really still wondering why men have MLC or why they cheat after being married for years? Hmmm, I'll see if I can give some insight.

As to military matters my step father was married to my mother for 30 years when he started an internet relationship and divorced her. I don't know if he was ever unfaithful to her when he was on temporary assignments or not. I at least grew up a military brat.

Why do men have mid life affairs? Well, when your wife is no longer attractive to you while no longer even trying to take care of herself, you never feel like you've lived any life, your marriage has become a financial arrangement which always seems to cost more than it is worth, you feel trapped, your job is a professional dead end with no real room for advancement, your only supportive social contacts are your coworkers, when you're 40, you seem to cry at the drop of a hat, your life is probably only going to get worse for the next 30 years before you die of some heart problem, and then a long time friend who is attractive and single wants to hook up with you, I guess there is no reason guys my age cheat.

We're going through all the things you mention in your third paragraph, but we know having affairs hurts people, and we don't have the right to do that, so how can we redefine ourselves and life to find the meaning in it? Life used to be meaningful if we could feed and clothe ourselves and go have fun sometimes. Then that glass got empty. An affair is obviously the choice of many people. Must be exciting.

If you're able to hold on through your husband's crisis and not self-destruct, not lose your sense of who YOU are, stay nimble so that you can keep your footing when your spouse throws garbage in your face you stand a very good chance of coming through this a better person.
It'll be a challenge for sure. I prayed a lot and leaned on friends - good, quality people. Many times I wanted to wallow in self-pity but they wouldn't let me. The didn't bash my husband so much as to constantly tell me that yes, I can live and thrive with him gone. Since the separation I have come to see how different we have become. I was rowing alone. In these 10 months, I have gained more self respect than I had in the last years of our marriage. I like myself more, now that I'm coming through ths struggle. I don't even feel like the same person.

Get off the pity pot. That explanation is a coward's excuse. An affair is the easiest, delusionally gratifying escape for people who are lost. You jump into bed with another flawed individual and then what? You're the same person. Nothing about you has changed.
Answer this: How many affairs do you know of that have lead to satisfying marriages or relationships? Isn't that a part of what we humans live for?
My husband left me for a younger woman. How novel! I would not trade places with her for a million dollars.