military husband having a MLC & affair....

If he's having an MLC he might feel like I have: It's like a death. The feeling of loss strikes suddenly.

I'm sorry you have to partake in all this. Having an affair, I think, is just trying to put a fix on the situation.

But I think the sex is the booby prize (unintended pun) and what he could be getting is a much better insight into life and what's truly valuable.

You deserve acknowledgement for staying lucid.

Thank you for your comments.....It does seem to be a difficult thing to go through if one is not prepared. Sorry to hear what you have been going through!

I am getting stronger everyday. I am not focused on saving our marriage as much anymore. Anyway, he still has a year left on this assignment. My main concern now is the damage (bridges he is burning)he is doing to his relationship with his children. It is heart wrenching. So, I pray that one day he wakes up and hope that it is not to late! Thanks again!

This is very unreal. I can relate with being in a relationship where one partner is not being truthful. My husband and I are both active duty with 12(me) years and him(13) years. I understand what you're going through. I sometimes use my kids to nudge my husband, who's cheated and I know that it's not fair, but I also feel as though I didn't get a fair chance to work on my marriage. There are lots of people telling me different things and I know several spouses that have tried everything and unfornately I don't work for the CDC or anything like that but it seems that cheating has become a pandemic problem. I know of at least 9 out of 10 Army marriages have broken up since all of these deployments began. It's sad and we need help to save our lives.

It's not pandemic, it's escapism. People aren't even ashamed anymore. Instead of guilt, people feel entitled. "My wife/husband was (choose your excuse). What did you expect me to do?"

My wife cheated and blamed me. She said she didn't want to work on the marriage. "Marriages that need work aren't working," she said. "We shouldn't have to talk." I still can't unravel that logic.

It's how we live. Life's a little rough - not living up to the "reality" you see on tv? Have an affair. My wife cheated. I feel betrayed. She kicked our marriage to the curb. I'll get over it. I come away from this with a clean conscience. To me that means something.

Unfaithfulness would probably not fit the definition for pandemic but that is not to say that it isn't an issue, isn't prevalent, and isn't growing. The statistics that you hear are usually something "% of men/women cheat on their spouses over the period of their marriage." That means that a person who has a single affair over a 20-year period is counted the same as someone who is a habitual cheater. This makes it difficult to grasp what the numbers really mean and where they are trending. Data collection is also challenging for obvious reasons.

Finally, I don't know if the #s are different for military marriages versus the overall population though the separations that are part of military families could certainly lead to higher incidence.

LifeTwo is currently working on a series of posts to shed more on the topic since it is such an area of interest. Here are the posts we've done so far on infidelity.

Wesley Hein Wesley [at] lifetwo [dot] com Sign up for the LifeTwo Newsletter!

No hard stats but anecdotally these relationships never last. The bloom wears off the rose. The cheater gts dumped or dumps the other ansd either continues with another relationship, living in denial. Or they wake up, at some point, and relaized life has moved on and they have nothig but sorrow, shame and wasted time? In their wake are the people they have hurt. Sometimes the damage is not fixable. Cheating is one thing where the're no lasting upside. They's no future in it. I was rasied in two-parent family in the south with strict, traditional values. We were taught that marriage is a sacred bond and that loyalty was worth its weight in gold. How can a cheater trust someone who'd engage in an affair with a married person? Do people think, "Well, it's going to be different with me?" How does an afair fix anything? Don't mean to rant. I'm generally ok but am having one of those bad days. My wife flew off because at 47 she realized a husband with a six-figure income all of a sudden wasn't earning the money she needed to be happy. I'm too content (her words), and can't give her things like new car, limitless credit card spending, renovated bathroom in an $800,000 house with three bathrooms. I'm not kidding. So she's found someone else. This guy is either married or single. No matter, he'll stay with my soon to be ex-wife until he finds someone younger and prettier. Where does that leave her 2,5,10 years down the road? She thinks one of these guys is going to marry her a la Prince Charming and shower were with luxery? It's plent weird.

Infidelity.....It does seem to be prevalent. I never focused to much on how many people around me were getting divorced or having affairs....then it was happening to me! The more people you talk to the more you see how common these to issues are. It stinks! I put all of my energy into my marriage and family and now I get to see it unravel. Unfortunately, I do think that the separations, that the military families go through, do put a strain on the marriage. And, I don't feel that there is enough support out there to help us adjust to the separation or the return. Maybe there should be mandatory counseling before or after the separation...I don't know...just a thought! I would imagine the military would benefit by supporting the families staying together...they are always preaching how imp. it is to get the mission done and get it done right. Mission comes first! Well, I know that my husband seems to be irrational at times so I wonder how he behaves at work and if any coworkers notice any difference. I would like to believe that "these relationships never last" (the affair) and that "the bloom wears off the rose". Every relationship takes work and there are always up and downs. He seems to think that the grass is greener but I guess he will have to find out the hard way! The OP has to have doubts that this person they are with is going to be faithful to them. In the back of their mind they have to think...I will always be just the OW/OM. I too believe that marriage is a sacred bond!!

By Christian Peper

I am a sexual counselor. One bad thing about fascist movements is sexual repression. It is normal and healthy to have sex at a youthful age. Repressive religions restrict sexuality and this causes serious problems including marriage problems.

It is simple; control the body, control the mind. I hate the fact that in the Bible belt most people have some form of sexual dysfunction and most men are on Viagra or need it. Why are they? They have been taught to hate sex. I say it is far better to have fun (go to parties, etc) than be prude.

Incorporating swinging into marriages can prevent cheating.

Not sure what the credentials are for a "sexual counselor" but regardless I guess everyone is entitled to an opinion. I think your premise is laughable. The causes of cheating can go well-beyond the desire for sexual experimentation outside of one's marriage. There is often an emotional component, especially for women.

Sad commentary.

I have a question about that statement, 'control the body, control the mind': If you decide to have an openly sexual life, what does it lead to in the end? Is it more likely to...

a. Deepen your ability to love and accept love--real love that can deal with problems and fears and not go away?

b. Give you some memories, good and bad, and some hangovers, and maybe some buddies?

c. Give you deep-down shame that you have to cover up with a jovial attitude and more determination to party harder, until you catch an STD that you can't pretend to ignore?

Well, husband called mother and told her about the other woman???? He spoke to his mother for an hour. First of all, he rarely calls his mother. Secondly, he knows that his mother doesn't want the marriage to end. She asked him if he loved her and he said he thinks a little but that he "has been thinking". She asked him if the woman knows about me and he said yes. He told her that he was going to divorce me. His mother told him that he was making a huge mistake and that he would have regrets because this woman only wants him because he is American and for his money. I asked his mother to be honest with me and tell me if she thought he was just trying to get her on his side or is he confused. She thinks both! He told his mother several times that he has been thinking a lot. Also, he has recently sent me a friendly e-mail making small talk! What is going on? I am so confused. Any advice would be appreciated....

Not interested in advice about becoming a swinger though! :)

"I am so confused."

It's not surprising that you are confused. How could you be anything else? If you read the other forums on spouse issues, you see a similar pattern to what you are seeing in your husband. Hot then cold. Friendly email then nothing. Etc., etc. You hear the term "roller coaster" quite a bit. Your husband is confused and even his mother recognizes it.

All of this is why we suggest that you focus on yourself and emphasize your needs (mental, physical, and social). Leverage your support network of friends and family. You can't control how your husband acts so you need to be prepared for a continuation of what has been happening until: a) he comes to his senses; b) he doesn't but files; or c) you lose patience and decide to move on with your life.

Also, if you haven't read the articles on the site about husband's midlife crisis.

Finally, keep posting. Your experiences will help others that follow.

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Thanks Wesley....I am getting tired of riding this roller coaster ride! I did reply to his e-mail and was friendly like he was...He didn't answer me and I know this is just part of the game being played.

I feel frustrated w/ my self because I know that I need to stop being concerned with him and start taking care of myself. It seems easier said than done. Why is it so hard to take that step? Why do I keep procrastinating? I cannot help but think that I wouldn't be going through this if he wasn't so far away....but then again, who knows! I am lucky enough to have a lot of friends and family supporting me (including his family for now)! When I finally get my act together, hopefully I will be able to help others.

"Why is it so hard to take that step? "

This is where your friends should be coming in. Ask a few close ones for help on this.

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Hello - I am here after reading the above posts. I feel ashamed for writing, but I truly believe my husband is having an affair, but he has a pattern of lying over the years when confronted with ANYTHING. I feel like I have to 'pick my battles', so to speak. His unit was in Iraq; they were gone 18 months total. I would hear about other soldiers having affairs - it sounded common. My husband has a daughter from a previous "fling". He had cheated on a long-term g/f (way before our marriage), and got this other girl pregnant. His track record is bad. We have a beautiful, intelligent 4-year-old son together. Is our (lack of) sex-life worth terminating our 7-year marriage? I found a long, curly hair on my bath towel today - after pulling many if mine out - this is NOT mine. He received two hang up calls near midnight last night - "restricted". He uses his cell for work, yet sometimes he turns it off on weekend - another obvious signal. I control our finances. But one does not need money if just out having casual sex 'after work'. He bought new underwear too. I feel like I'm going crazy, and I just want to know if I should just keep quiet, because he will still deny anything is going on (habitual liar) (even every time when confronted with online porn). I wouldn’t mind the porn, "just looking", if he was honest and did not lie about it. But when I found a close-up photo on his computer of some girl, not nude but taken during his Iraq time, be denied how it got there. I found a history on his computer last year of a sex site-link, where he looked for ‘locals’ in our area. This was on his birthday a year ago. So I wonder if he acted on that, but I have no hard evidence. I have no local friends. I have a home business and have been constantly busy. I want to do something, but don’t know if it’s worth the arguing and crying and horrible gut feelings not to mention the financial cost of getting a divorce. I handle our finances and we make ends meet. He has enormous child support payments from his first child. I have the horrible gut feelings anyway. We sleep separately – he snores horribly, so I sleep on the couch. I wonder if I should just let things go the way they have because of the financial burden a divorce would be. His unit will be deploying again next year, but for ONLY 12 months instead of 18. Part of me can’t wait. I use this time to strengthen my bond with our son. Crazy and confused -

I think the more you get ready, the less you'll have to cry.

Let's take this one step at at time. You wrote "I feel ashamed for writing,..."

There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about and certainly not by writing to seek help how to improve a bad situation. Yes I can see how some might feel bad for questioning their spouse's honesty without foundation but that is hardly your situation. Your husband's conduct and history are more than enough to lead a reasonable person to wonder whether or not their spouse was being on the level with them. So you checked their computer and far from clearing things up it has given you reasons to wonder even more. This plus the hair, the hangups, etc. all together would lead just about anyone to wonder what was really going on.

You asked whether "lack of sex" was enough to keep your marriage together, yet in your short posting you list so many issues that it is clear that lack of intimacy would be the only thing driving a dissolution of the marriage.

We cannot comment on the financial aspects of a potential divorce but for the health of you all that should not be the only thing keeping your family unit together. I would hope that for the sake of your son if nothing you would do everything possible to fix the marriage. At this stage (given what you've written) it would seem that outside counseling would almost be a must (that and the desire of your husband to want to improve things as opposed to just ending them). I don't know what resources the military has for families in situations like this but hope there are some. Otherwise there might be other forms of support via churches or others that could provide no-cost counseling. Also if you husband has no interest in this (which would speak volumes) then you might want to go alone. You definitely should be building your own support network of friends/family and focusing on your health and that of you kids. It sounds like an untenable situation and perhaps you will be able to buy some time with his deployment. That is something that you and your support team will have to decide.

Keep posting, sharing, asking and helping.

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During my husband's deployment I found out through emails that he was cheating with a female soldier. He was remorseful and vowed that wanted to reconcile and keep our family together. We were doing good for a couple of months until he found out his unit got extended from a year to 15 months. But right before he was to redeploy he began to say he was confused about what he wanted. When the question I intially asked him when all of this happend was to make a choice and at the time his choice was our family. I was shocked when I found out he called ahead to his unit and told them not to call me to notify me he had got back into the states.

When I did find out he was back, he apologized and kept saying that he was confused and he didn't know what he wanted and that it had been a long time away from our family. At first, I thought he was having symptoms of PTSD and that I should take the careful route and try to talk to him as much as I could to see what was on his mind. As we kept the communication lines open he confessed that he was now living with the woman that he had origionally had an affair with and at one point called and told me he was spending time with her kids. (Why would he even go so low to tell me that?) He would say that he wanted to go out and do things and not be bothered(meaning not having to tell me where he was or what he was doing). I thought why is he behaving like this? Was he gone so long that he convinced himself that he was a single man?

I gravitated closely to family and friends and tried to maintain my faith. Alot of people have told me to go to counseling but I don't even know if it's worth the time or energy. I waited 15 months for my husband to come back and I got a person who I don't even recognize anymore. Is counseling really worth it? Could he really be that mentally conflicted? We've been married for almost nine years and got married young. He's not even 30 yet and I ask the question if this is happening now then will he have a mid-life crisis later?I'm torn and don't know what to do.

"I'm torn and don't know what to do."

Then don't do anything, yet, and perhaps that would be a good enough reason for counseling--to decide what you want to do. One thing for certain his behavior does not bode well for a healthy future. If he isn't interested in reintroducing honesty into your relationship then that speaks volumes.

By the way, good job developing and leveraging your personal support network of friends and family. That is a must for weathering whatever happens.

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Are people really still wondering why men have MLC or why they cheat after being married for years? Hmmm, I'll see if I can give some insight.

As to military matters my step father was married to my mother for 30 years when he started an internet relationship and divorced her. I don't know if he was ever unfaithful to her when he was on temporary assignments or not. I at least grew up a military brat.

Why do men have mid life affairs? Well, when your wife is no longer attractive to you while no longer even trying to take care of herself, you never feel like you've lived any life, your marriage has become a financial arrangement which always seems to cost more than it is worth, you feel trapped, your job is a professional dead end with no real room for advancement, your only supportive social contacts are your coworkers, when you're 40, you seem to cry at the drop of a hat, your life is probably only going to get worse for the next 30 years before you die of some heart problem, and then a long time friend who is attractive and single wants to hook up with you, I guess there is no reason guys my age cheat.

We're going through all the things you mention in your third paragraph, but we know having affairs hurts people, and we don't have the right to do that, so how can we redefine ourselves and life to find the meaning in it? Life used to be meaningful if we could feed and clothe ourselves and go have fun sometimes. Then that glass got empty. An affair is obviously the choice of many people. Must be exciting.

If you're able to hold on through your husband's crisis and not self-destruct, not lose your sense of who YOU are, stay nimble so that you can keep your footing when your spouse throws garbage in your face you stand a very good chance of coming through this a better person. It'll be a challenge for sure. I prayed a lot and leaned on friends - good, quality people. Many times I wanted to wallow in self-pity but they wouldn't let me. The didn't bash my husband so much as to constantly tell me that yes, I can live and thrive with him gone. Since the separation I have come to see how different we have become. I was rowing alone. In these 10 months, I have gained more self respect than I had in the last years of our marriage. I like myself more, now that I'm coming through ths struggle. I don't even feel like the same person.

Get off the pity pot. That explanation is a coward's excuse. An affair is the easiest, delusionally gratifying escape for people who are lost. You jump into bed with another flawed individual and then what? You're the same person. Nothing about you has changed. Answer this: How many affairs do you know of that have lead to satisfying marriages or relationships? Isn't that a part of what we humans live for? My husband left me for a younger woman. How novel! I would not trade places with her for a million dollars.

My husband i were married for 18 years. He was deployed alot over the years. I basically stayed home and took care of everything, so that he could advance in his military career. After he came home from his last tour in Iraq, he was having basically melt downs all the time at the least little thing. If you asked him to go down to the store to get a gallon of milk he would cuss the whole way there and back, slamming doors etc. It was just unreal. We received orders to relocate to Alaska so i thought getting away and giving us some down time would help reconnect and help him. He went a few months earlier to get us a place and also we had teenagers so they could finish school and move in the summer. When we got up there i discovered text MSG from a girl in his unit. She was his soldier 22 years old and had a baby by a drug addict who got kicked out of the military. My husband is 37. I confronted him about the texts and he went off the deep end literally. The children and i were afraid to go home, so i had to call the 1SG to help me get him out of the house. The unit made him go to mental health, were he was diagnosed with PTSD. He moved out and never came back. He says he doesn't want to be married anymore. That he doesn't love me. He says very mean and hateful things. He acts like he wants nothing to do with his kids and that if he provides money for them that that is enough. When i tell him that they need him in their life, he basically says too bad. Its not going to happen. I took the kids and moved back to Texas so that they would not see what was going on. They know about the other women because they seen pictures of her on his phone. They said she is very ugly and is so young she could be our oldest daughters friend. Which is really disturbing. The other people in his unit say she is really trashy and not a good soldier at all. The unit relocated her to Fort Lewis. He said it has ended the relationship with her and says its was a mistake, that he wants to be alone and does not want to be with anyone. I received the cell phone bill again and there is another girls number on there that he texts no stop all day long. He is acting like he is 12 years old its very bizzare. He also told me that the counselor told him that he will probably just go from woman to woman all the time. Its like living in a fantasy world for him , its like going to a new planet every time where no one knows anything about you and there is no responsibility. The counselor told him though that there would always be a trigger to bring his issues full circle to the new planet and that he would move on. Its extremely hard to watch someone be so self destructive and not get it. I have tried to plead, beg, offered to go to counseling with him etc. He just does not get it. Now i am trying to rebuild my life. The children and i are basically homeless and have nothing. I have alot of self esteem and trust issue i am working through.It is hard to believe i am in this situation because i basically trusted someone i had been married to for 18 years. I know that he has had 2 other affairs with soldiers now in the past also. I told him i would give him the divorce in 2 years and that i would be taking half of his retirement check. I feel that is only fair after all these years. He would have never made it that far in his career if it would not have been for my support. That was his statement not mine. I have come to the realize though that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. Imagine if i would have stayed with him. Now i have a chance for true happiness and a great life. I just need to make sure that i have learned the lesson from all this. That i do matter, that my happiness matters, that i want an equal partner someone i could grow old with. Having an affair is not right for any reason. I destroys every ones life it touches. It doesnt solve anything make anything better just worse.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this - but DO NOT PUSH HIM AND YOUR KIDS TOGETHER. He's a mess - and children are a blessing. If his feelings for you are not positive and he's saying mean and hateful things to you, your children should not have to spend unsupervised time in an unhealthy environment with a damaged person listening to him bash their mom. It will only damage them - creating the next generation of damaged adults. .

How do I know? I'm that child that grew up in a similar household - and now I'm a damaged adult.

I am going though a simialr fate I am not married but been with partner 15 year s best freinds for 17 and have a great son who spent all the time with him caught him out a few weeks ago he was always a loner no freiends and not a loving family, always hated work never wanted to progress much I was always there for him through thick and thin. When Imthrew him out he always wanted to see my son now no contact at all son and me heart broken. He was the light of his life before meeting this new woman who he has told me wants to start a new life with only after a couple of monthes. Cant beleive how some people can change, I looked after him and the home and son for all these years which I loved but now it is like a kick in the teeth. Cant really understand why if he hated it so much he didnt leave earlier but seemed to wait until something better came along. All I know is that he will have to support us until we sell out home so we can get on living. This is the third time he has moved out (no woman in volved last two times) he came back but was never the same still loved my son to bits w but us just good freinds, which I sorely miss. He has gone so cold hearted and implied I have ruined his life. MLC or just bad person I do not know. Very hurt and raw at the moment but both my son and I realise that dad is not coming back wasted a family for a not so newer model. who can make him happy. I know what it is like finance way as I gave up a career to bring up a family now I have to try and find more hours of work to support us. All I have realised is that it is the kids that matter and if these guys can be like this they will never change and even if you take him back it will probably happen again it did to me 8 years later perhaps I should have know better and not taken him back.

Just be strong I know how hard it is my son is nearly 14 and cannot beleive what his dad and freind has done and does not want to see him at the momne t maybe that will all change but I think now that the father son bond has gone forever, he say mum we both dont deserve this and must look forward. I dont know about you but feel all my confidence down the pan and these guys getting all the wages anf having a great time with no regard for the carnage they leave behind.

Sorry guys I know women do the same thing to their familys as well it doenst really matter just think in the long run once the hurrt and pain has gone life can go on with the children and they will be with you always.

I am so hoping that this new love of his life will not put up with depressive moods etc and everything that comes with it and dump him then he will know what heartbreak is, all I hope is that he will end up a lonely man with no one there for him in the future, He has told me he is never coming back so I have to live with that

Good luck keep posting it actually keeps you sane. I thought I was the only one going through this but it is amazing there are so many S--ts out there. This isnt like a divorce it is more creaul families havent got a clue what is happening and that is just bad.

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Is there any punishment for a military member having an affair? Can I go to his commanding officers for help?

Its been said that swinging is "social and sexual intercourse with someone other than your partner, with the full knowledge and consent of that person."

Many confuse swinging with wife swapping (swapping) as a lot of swingers are not married or may be single. A lot of swingers like to think of it as swinging for fun, that enjoy sex, meeting people as a opposed to a steady monogomous relationship with one person.

Swinging is a a popular recreational activity for broad minded adults. The most common method is an adult male & female couple, meeting other couples for sex and sometimes ongoing intimate relationships.

In a nutshell swinging is about having sex with other people, it may take many forms; Parties/Orgies with partner swapping or group sex Gang Bangs Couples meeting up and having sex with each other Watching your partner get bonked by lots of people Specialist swinging ie; finding swingers with fetishes to play out fantasies

BASICALLY NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO EXCUSE OR RE-WORD IT TO FIT YOUR COMFORT LEVEL, THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT SWINGING THAT DIFFERS FROM CHEATING BESIDES ONE BEING KNOWN AND ONE BEING UNKNOWN. so the comment "Incorporating swinging into marriages can prevent cheating" is completely void. Cheating is cheating. if you cannot keep your dick in place, DONT GET MARRIED. i'm so tired of reading threads where people are looking for help with infidelity in their marriage only to find some comment like this placing the blame on the lack of "open mindednes" in the marriage. there is no excuse for cheating. there just isnt, plain and simple, black and white.

if your spouse cheated or if it is you who cheated then you should probably reconsider the concept of marriage altogether. Marriage is not for everyone and if you find yourself with that wandering eye, save yourself and your significant other the emotional distress and DONT get married.